Sexual Performance Anxiety. Help

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by mribiza, Sep 16, 2018.

  1. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    In my 40's, married for over 8 years and with kids, in good health and love my wife.

    My sexual performance anxiety has been on and off for several years, but I have always been able to overcome it. At some point, thanks to NoFap and other similar sites, I realized that my ED was due to Porn Addiction, so I stopped watching porn. It was not easy, had some falls here and there, but now, 2 years after, I have been able to manage it pretty well.

    Really don't know if I have a high libido or I am addicted to sex, but I have always had a very sex drive. On the other hand, my wife is more interested in other things than having sex or just dedicating time to engage romantically with me. For instance she doesn't want to kiss in the morning because she feels her mouth is disgusting, then when we kiss is like she doesn't put any passion at all. For instance this morning: the kids being away, I was trying to engage with her, rubbing her stomach and body, but she was laying there and not engaging. That made me mad and I stopped paying attention to her.

    Meanwhile, when I go to places or hang out with friends, talking with women that are in the circle is easy, so I notice their sexuality, their interest they show to me and how I can easily get their numbers. In the past, I have acted on it and then I have felt guilty and horrible.

    After 2 years of having stopped Porn, I started to feel really good about myself, my erections were rock hard, I could fuck my wife in a a heart beat, so my level of euphoria was through the roof. Then, sex with her wasn't enough, because I started to notice all her downfalls, like: complete lack of spontaneity, lack of interest or demonstration of affection, shave before we do it, don't squeeze my butt cheeks too much, I don't want you to touch my asshole, don't this, don't that... So I went online on a rampage and started to communicate with several women at the same time. Didn't act on it, because I felt bad again.

    Then this is the time when my friend left me again! so now its very difficult to get hard and I know that its sexual performance anxiety.

    Has anyone dealt with this in the past? How has overcome it?
     
    hardowner likes this.
  2. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    229
    181
    43
    You have just found porn replacement, dude.
     
  3. tryinghardmode23

    tryinghardmode23 Fapstronaut

    61
    188
    33
    I would stop watching porn and masturbation and remind me why I married my wive, the person I love, and take her to a vacation.
     
  4. Epic Fight

    Epic Fight Fapstronaut

    351
    405
    63
    Well if your wife behaves like that, no wonder you not so much into it. Maybe she is a porn addict? You never know..
     
    SpiritAnimal and hardowner like this.
  5. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    229
    181
    43
    Wtf dude! Women can lost interest in sex if you run your sexual life yourself instead of creating it with her in relationship. What is more she don't have to be into anal or rough sex.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  6. Epic Fight

    Epic Fight Fapstronaut

    351
    405
    63
    Whatever makes your day dude
     
  7. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    No im sorry.. if a woman is not responding to, willing to kiss, show passion and tenderness with or work on sex in a relationship, that is not on.

    I am female, i have a lot of female friends who think its basically hilarious to ignore their mens needs because they just cant be assed. Then they complain that they arent being treated like a little princess. It is not on.

    OP you most likely have a high sex drive and are incompatible with your wife.

    She may be MO'ing, not even necessarily to porn. Or she may just have fallen out of love with you and simply doesn't care if you are satisfied or not. She might just not be a sexual person.

    My partner treated me this way when he was deep in PMO. I wanted to cheat on him, and I'm not ashamed of that. I didn't cheat on him, but I did move out, (which was not an easy decision as we have a family) and he has been fighting PMO since. We now have an amazing sex life. Infact, he is now the best lover I have ever had.

    Men need to be adoring and appreciating and pleasing their women. But women you need to be doing the same for your man.
     
  8. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    229
    181
    43
    Totally agree, but I don't accept poor excuses like "I have right to PMO and this is justified, because my woman don't want sex every day". A lot of PMOers use this "logic" and destroy their life because of that.
     
  9. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    Yep I agree with this too.

    Although if one partner is refusing sex for weeks, months years. Or they are grudgungly going along with sex but not engaging with their partner resulting in robotic, passionless, loveless sex, then the other partners sexual energies will be directed elsewhere.
     
    Immature and Epic Fight like this.
  10. SpiritAnimal

    SpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

    @mribiza are you making sure your wife reaches climax? Most women wont climax from PIV so you'll need to be using your hand/mouth.

    If she says she is reaching orgasm during sex with you, while she's not engaging with you or particularly enjoying it, then she's faking. Most women fake and it has serious repercussions. Because then men arent aware of what they actually need to be doing, woman ends up never being satisfied or even aroused, and sexual desire for partner dies. Woman cant suddenly turn around and say hey, I've been faking it all these years! So if she is horny, she has a quick MO instead. The more she MO's, the more her brain links sexual satisfaction to her hand instead of you, and the less likely she is to be able to O with a partner. Sexual desire for partner gone. Cue 'cant-be-assed-to-have-sex' syndrome.

    Most women start MOing when they are kids. Not to porn. Just MOing. So most are quite desensitised by the time they even reach sexual maturity and it makes it hard for a man to get the job done.

    Everyone needs to stop MOing & start communicating.

    I can almost guarantee, if you are keeping your woman in orgasms, she will want sex with you, and be passionate with it too.

    This requires a few things.

    • You both stop masturbating
    • You start communicating, openly, about what feels nice, and what you both like
    • You maintain your relationship outside of the bedroom, showing each other love and appreciation
    • She maintains her pelvic floor. Pelvic floor can get ruined after childbirth and just with the aging process, and if she doesnt do strengthening exercises she probably wont feel much during sex and will be quite 'disconnected' from her own vagina - making arousal and orgasm very difficult indeed.
     
  11. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    625
    1,475
    123
    Here’s a question, does your wife know or suspect anything about your past (Sounds like there is a possibility of current as well) infidelity? That’s the quickest way to kill passion and desire from an SO. If it’s something you are honest about affair recovery can take years to overcome, 2-5 years on average to start if it’s actually being in affair recovery.
     
  12. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    @SpiritAnimal Thank you for your insightful comments. Actually its incredibly helpful to have the female's input in such important topic that involves a woman.

    Lets start by saying that both of us work from home, in different parts of the house, so we don't engage much, but its no uncommon for either of us to pop up in each others offices at some point. Therefore, no P or MOing during the day for her. As for me, when I used to get involved with P, I would watch it, but not MO. The reason I was only watching P and not MOing is because in my mind, I was just watching it. Then I found it the desensitization effects and that's when I implemented the changes.

    She says that she doesn't MO at all and neither I. I believe her. Therefore, Oing is not difficult of either of us. Also, I always make sure that she is done first and then I finish.

    Demonstrating affection, support, love, praise, appreciation and dedication from my part is something that I am very well aware of and I do all those things. As I was raised by a single mother that was very open, she made sure to inculcate the importance of fulfillment for a woman. For instance: I do 90% of all grocery shopping, I cook dinner 95% of the time, I take the kids to school, I take the kids if she wants to go to the gym or if she has to work late, I am affectionate and bring her flowers around 10 times a year, I bring her snacks during the day to her office if I get one too, I tell her I love her all the time, if she is doing something in the kitchen I hug her from behind and kiss her softly in her neck and mouth saying "I love you" etc...

    On the other hand, its really rare that she approaches me to give me affection. When I give her affection, she engages with a little smooch and that's it. When we go to bed, she gives me a smooch says I love you and then goes to sleep. But its impossible to get her to deliberately make out. I love making out, kissing and fore-playing, but she is not too much into it. She only wants to have sex in the bed, after 15 minutes of her making sure she is clean (brushes her teeth, washes-off, etc.). We kiss a little before she expects me to stick it, but since I don't feel her passion and most of her kisses are smooches, I have a hard time getting hard.

    Meanwhile, I have have some affairs with a few women that we have had strong emotional connection and getting hard has not been difficult at all. The kissing and caressing is so passionate, that breathing intensifies really quickly, the heart wants to come out through the chest, the heat gets very intense and the movements easily flow. In 30 seconds of that engagement, I don't even think about my penis getting hard or not.

    Lastly, she has too many rules of engagement, so the easy flow of the love making session gets too rational. Honestly, in very rare occasions I have had women telling me no to this or that, so I really don't get it. Its like she doesn't let go!
     
    Epic Fight likes this.
  13. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    Good question! That is something that will die with me, because there is a lot more pain from oversharing than being honest. Once I went through that and believe me nothing good ever came out. She was always hurt and I was always the bad person. Actually, my wife has told me in some occasions: Do what you have to do... Never have asked her for details though.

    In addition to that, I have been with some married women in the past that decided to overshare with their husbands and the results have been catastrophic. A guy tried to commit suicide and a couple of others were looking for me or have stalked me on Social Media.
     
  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    625
    1,475
    123
    I decided to write more just for a possible perspective for you as an SO.
    Here is the thing from 19 year relationship/marriage with a PA.
    I had the high sex drive more so then him. We had very adventurous sex in our younger years (42 now).

    The more is PA took hold adventurous sex didn’t feel safe anymore. He was no longer loving in bed. Every time we had sex it was prolonged bad porn sex. Sometimes painful. He would make comments about how I wasn’t very good, it was to vanilla. He would get so ruff at time it could rupture an ovarian cyst. I would fake it at times, not be into it at all and at times wasn’t worth it to even start. Let me tell you it sucked. Our times were only about what he wanted, what he wasn’t getting and it’s impossible for someone to keep up with that. God forbid if he had been drinking.
    He was worried about sexual performance but when I tried to tell him what it was like for me, he became defensive and used it as an excuse to start acting out in real life. He wanted to continue the porn sex. That’s not real sex, it’s not connected or loving. It’s all take and pure selfishness.
    Our sex did suck, it was painful. Sex should not be painful especially with someone you love.
    Now he’s given up porn, truly working on recovery, connection and feeling safe with good communication it’s amazing for us both. He’s learning me and I’m learning him.
    Sometimes I want the harder stuff, I can’t or won’t be subjected to it on a regular.

    Talk with your wife and try to understand where she is feeling. Open honest communication is biggest key. Maybe stop trying to have the porn sex (fucking) and focus on making love to her. It will take some time however for her feel comfortable (trusting) it did for me. But try making it about her not you. You might be surprised how much of a turn on that can be for you in the long run.
     
    夜神月 and mribiza like this.
  15. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    625
    1,475
    123
    Have you looked into betrayal trauma? Even if you think she doesn’t know she most likely has a suspicion. I was there for a few years with my hubby. He was convinced I knew nothing and that was far from the truth. I became more passionless the closer I was to giving up. That was tournament. Knowing but not having the truth. It’s a killer in loving department and also builds resentment.
     
  16. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    That's a very good advice! Definitely, I will make a more conscious effort to communicate with her more clearly. Believe me, I have tried, several times, but she has a really hard time sharing her sexuality, because ,I think, her religious thoughts getting involved. She is not too sexual. She is okay to spread her legs and lay there, but I don't want that. That doesn't turn me on!

    Regarding rough sex and porn movie style sex, that has never been the situation at all.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  17. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    Actually, thank your for bringing that up. I have stopped all communications and connections with other women. In various occasions I have had dreams of getting caught or feeling bad for cheating.


    What does PA mean?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  18. Epic Fight

    Epic Fight Fapstronaut

    351
    405
    63
    Pa = porn addict :)
     
    mribiza likes this.
  19. mribiza

    mribiza Fapstronaut

    19
    23
    3
    Journal Update.

    So, after writing and engaging with some people in this site in the last couple of days, it has been very cathartic. Also, after reading other Fapstronauts and thinking more in depth about what helped me with my PA, I was able to find some interesting reasons, which I will share in my Success Story @The Benefits of Quitting Porn!

    Going back to my journal of Sexual Performance Anxiety. Yesterday I had great sex with my wife, without any issues. However, I have to admit that I did take a little bit of some of Anti ED boost. A few hours before, I opened a capsule and had a little bit of the powder. Even though these capsules are 1 dose, I make them last for 20 doses or so, because it is too much. When I say too much, its like I have to be careful not to lean on anything because I would get a boner. One time I was doing dishes, the day after taking this 24 hr dose, and I got a hard on that I couldn't get down. This is something that I did a long time ago that helped me get out of my PIED, which I didn't know at that time it was PIED. That little extra confidence turned into full blown confidence, so now I am applying the same concept.

    During the night, I woke up with a boner and this morning, I have to say, I woke up with a hard erection that took me some time to get down. After that, I had to be careful because any little thing would make me feel aroused. This is a great feeling, because even though I had taken the extra boost, I know from past experience that this is the way it goes. Before yesterday, I had taken the extra boost, but it didn't work at all. Actually, I did it in several occasions, so I was really confused because I had stopped watching P. After some thought and the communication with others in this site, I realized that communicating with other women was actually affecting my mind. Guilt!

    Now, the sense of relief is incredible and being able to have a clean mind has helped me concentrate even more. One thing I notice is that before I would constantly be looking at my phone, but now, I barely look at it. I wasn't looking at messages, but I would just pick it up and check anything.
     
  20. Male38

    Male38 Fapstronaut

    65
    34
    18
    what is anti ED boost?
     

Share This Page