Sexual deprivation in marriage. Is this right for me?

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by EmilySears, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. EmilySears

    EmilySears New Fapstronaut

    My husband has low T levels, I have been sexually frustrated for a very long time. We have sex, but not enough for me (I have a very high sex drive) He is seeking treatment. In the meantime, I've masterbated to take care of my own needs. But, I'm consumed with sexual thoughts and consumed with guilt and shame. We've talked about going to marriage counseling as it's put that much of a strain on us.
    I don't know if trying to abstain from masterbating is right for me or not.
    On one hand, I've read the benefits (more productivity being the best for me right now)
    But, what about the downsides in my situation? Sexual deprivation plus not masterbating? I have made it to Nov 9th (trying the ladies form of NoFap November ,so 9 days so far of no masterbating) but I'm already feeling resentment towards my husband.
    Should I do this in congruence with marriage counseling or not at all? To what extent should I put myself through ignoring my sexual needs in order to be more productive in my life?
    The only other benefit I can think of is enjoying sex much more when I do have it with my husband, but it's over so quick that I end up resenting that.
    I'm so lost here.
  2. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Hi Emily, welcome to NoFap. I can't offer much advice about your own situation, but I can tell you that getting treated for low T made a huge difference in my life. Not just for my libido, but for just feeling positive and optimistic in general. So I want to give your husband a ringing endorsement for hormone replacement therapy.
    Best of luck
    Deleted Account and EmilySears like this.
  3. EmilySears

    EmilySears New Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much! I appreciate this. And I'm glad you were able to get help and things got better for you.
  4. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the community!
    I wish you the best in your reboot journey. Wish I knew more about T levels and how your husband can be helped but all I know is that I don't recommend M because it makes you more needy and unsatisfied. It would seem like that would be the answer but it actually worsens the situation as it usually make you crave sex the more and leaves you feeling empty. Also it makes you compare your solo sessions to the intercourse and the two compete against each other which I don't think helps you much. As you stated counseling can help so you can both reach some sort of compromise. Lots of luck! Stay positive stay alert :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. I don't see a problem with you masturbating at all. No need to be ashamed. If your husband has a problem with it, talk to him about it. Maybe he simply feels guilty when he notices you doing it.

    Thank you very much with standing by your man. My wife has had similar problems with me as well, and at a time she had problems with libido. That should not stand between partners, but sometimes it does. If it does, good communication and love helps.
    Romans 6 23 and +TenPercent like this.
  6. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

    I feel for you, my situation is similar but the roles reversed. Me and my wife’s sex life is terrible. Especially at the moment we are separated. So I haven’t had a release from a female since. It’s been almost 3 months.

    But before I was wanting sex, a lot. Like I could have almost everyday. I didn’t get it so I feel deeper and deeper into pmo. Which made me a worse husband, father, everything else too. Because I started to go to it daily. Looking back I feel so terrible. Sometimes if everyone was still awake I would get frustrated. I wanted everyone to go to bed so I could do my “deed”. So ashamed.

    Unfortunately I don’t have a answer for you since I have had similar problems. I don’t know if you are religious or not. But I am, and I have prayed over my sex life with my wife. I have prayed and surrendered my sexuality to god. I want him in control. He made sex to be amazing inside the covenant of marriage.

    Now if I was your husband. I would defitnley be seeking for ways to raise T levels. Start by taking some natural remedies. And if needed, whatever the doctor would say that would help.

    He is lucky to have a wife that would want it often with a high sex drive.

    If you said it didn’t last long, you mean he finished too fast? I also struggle with that and am looking for ways to improve.

    But if I didn’t get to feel my wife but once every few months, that could have something to do with it. She feels much better than my hand.
    Newgirl likes this.
  7. I remember lying next to my wife at night and hearing her masturbating. It was disturbing as i felt that I can't satisfy her. I felt guilty and ashamed. Maybe your husband feels the same. But you have a right to masturbate, especially if your husband is not able to satisfy you. It is not his fault, so he does not deserve to feel any guilt.

    There is nothing damaging about masturbation as long as it is not done in an exaggerated way that kills the sex drive for a partner.
    Romans 6 23 and +TenPercent like this.
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Hi @EmilySears,

    Let's get started...
    And you know this how? Do you have "test results in hand" that confirm this or is this something your Partner has told you?
    Have you considered that you may be a sex addict yourself? It is plausible that his addiction has dragged you down the rabbit hole with him depending on the depth the sexual addiction has taken in the marriage. It's worth considering if for no other reason to rule it out. NOTE: This isn't to be interpreted as any way laying any blame on you.
    Like what exactly?
    So, let me go ahead and nip this one in the bud. Masturbation IS NOT a need. If you masturbate because you feel like you need it, then it is a compulsion. You want to masturbate to fulfill your need for an orgasm and thus a dopamine hit.
    Let's see now. Remember when I said, it's plausible that you went down the rabbit hole with him? Yeah, I think you need to go check yourself out first. So let's start with this:

    Sexual Addiction Screening Test

    SDI 4.0 and the PTSI-R assessments.

    ***CAUTION*** The test results are only as good as the honesty you put into the answers. Also beware what you do with your results (i.e. DO NOT leave copies of any test results anywhere, for they can be used against you)

    After you do that, go check out and view all things Brene' Brown. Check out the videos on YouTube and her books on Amazon. "Shame cannot live without empathy". Check these things out, and come back and let's talk about them.
    Don't waste your time. More importantly, don't waste your money. Marriage counseling isn't going to fix anything until the underlying sexual dysfunction is addressed. Get this underway, and then look at marriage counseling. The bulk of all marriage issues here can be fixed by default fixing the underlying issues. Once the sexual addiction/pornography addiction is addressed, then the focus becomes on intimacy.
    YES! Just go with it! YES!
    OK. So yes, it's difficult. You do realize that "...Sexual deprivation..." is the very same argument that Sex Addicts use, right? 9 days is awesome. Just take it one day at a time. Based on your feedback thus far, I'd say you're as addicted as he is. And this resentment you speak of? Trust me, I should have a damn doctorate degree in resentment I've had so much of it. But resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But you have to have forgiveness in your heart. You have to forgive him, not because he deserves it, but because you do. It is the only way you are going to get beyond the resentment and let it go. Look up Bitter Root Judgments and Bitter Root Expectations. You'll likely find that provides you a means to get to the root of your resentments. It goes much deeper than not having sex and orgasms, I assure you.
    Should you do it? Should you do what? Quit masturbating? YES! Should you do marriage counseling? Not at this time.

    Let's get something straight my lady. You DO NOT have sexual needs. You have sexual wants. You have sexual desires to fulfill as a byproduct of what in my view is a sexual addiction of your own. But you certainly don't have "needs". You need Oxygen, Food, Water, and Clothing & Shelter (which is generally just Warmth). You DO NOT need SEX or and Orgasmic release. Think through this please. This seriously looks a lot like your addiction in as much as it is his.

    Ut-Oh! Un-BINGO (Is that even a word? I just made it up). Why? Is it PE? Why did it end so quickly?
    OK, so here is what it looks like:
    1. He has a pornography addiction/sex addiction. At least that's the indicators.
    2. You have a sex addiction that was likely created in large part because of his or even in a previous relationship of yours.
    3. Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money for now.
    4. You need to take the SAST. If you have any Sexual Trauma, you need to take the PTSD test also.
    5. He needs to take the SAST.
    6. He would do well to get this book:
      “Out of the Shadows” by Dr. Patrick Carnes]
    7. You need to generate Boundaries & Consequences and execute them. Contact me for help if you want/need it.
    8. Reach out to @AnonymousAnnaXOXO for resources. She has tons of them to help you.
    That's all for now. Good luck.
  9. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    What brought you to NoFap?
    Is the guilt and shame about masturbating or is it about the sexual thoughts? Is porn a factor?

    Personally, I don't think that masturbation is inherently bad. You seem to accept (which is good) that you have a high sex drive, and masturbation seems like a very healthy way to meet your needs if your husband's drive is low.

    What is really promising in your post is that you write that you have talked with your husband about this and that you are planning to see a marriage counsellor. I think that will help a lot. And, if your husband is going for treatment, then all of these issues may be resolved soon. Maybe if NoFap isn't working for you right now, take a break from it and take some time to see how his treatment and the counselling work out?

    If you have been using porn, I would recommend giving that a break. Lots of us are hooked on porn. There are a some (its a minority opinion really) which say that there is nothing wrong with porn. Maybe, so. But is there anything good about it?

    I wish you all the best and hope that you will have a healthier and more satisfying sexual relationship with your husband.
  10. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

    I like everything that Ten Percent says here. To me, you are a young woman in the Prime of her life, and you have what is most probably a healthy drive for someone of your age. Nothing abnormal here . Counseling with your husband is the right path. I hope you stay with that. Maybe he is doing to meet you half way and help you in ways that don't always have to be PIV sex, but help in other ways Best of luck
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    I always find this statement most troubling, as those who make it DO NOT understand the brain science behind it, for if they did, wouldn't make such a ridiculous statement. Masturbation IS inherently bad. And make no mistake about it, both (Masturbation and Pornography), have the same effect and outcome.

    Chemistry Class: A Lesson in Brain Chemistry

    Like I said, "marriage counseling is a waste of time and money" until such time you address these other issues.
    Fallensoldier1 likes this.
  12. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Masturbation IS inherently bad? Interesting. It's a behaviour that's been around for thousands of years in our species and is practiced by many other animals as well, perhaps most notably in monkeys and apes. It has been selected for because it is a reproductively advantageous behaviour.

    I would suggest reading the book Sperm Wars for an elegant discussion of why we masturbate and why we are ashamed of it. But be prepared to have some of your assumptions about mating choices, monogamy and reproductive strategies put to the test!

    I do appreciate your very thorough and thoughtful posts in these forums, but I disagree. Masturbation is very troublesome for me for all kinds of reasons, and I would like to give it up forever and only have orgasms with my (future) partner, but that is a choice. Is the act itself inherently bad? I think not.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

    I think you just said it there. I know I for one do not want to act like a animal or ape. And that is kind of what MO does to us. It might be possible to do it in moderation. But the odds and temptation of it becoming a raging addiction are very much there.
    darknight and EmmyB like this.
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    There is so much truth to that. It is that primitive part of the brain at work. I would be remiss if I didn't remind everyone that monkeys and apes sling shit too, so I suppose if we're going to justify masturbation, we need to use the same metric to justify slinging shit everywhere.
    Fallensoldier1 likes this.
  15. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

    I think you should do marriage counselling but find a reputable and well rounded counsellor. Our counsellor deals with more than just 40something married couples in midlife crisis (no offense to 40 somethings).

    I would probably never have come to the realization that I had a porn addiction if it wasn't for our counsellor.

    and part of counselling for marriage is looking at all dimensions. Frankly sex is a part of the equation for married couples. Sounds like you want that part of your marriage to be more balanced so YES please see a counsellor for your marriage. You know your marriage better than any strangers on here. If you think it would benefit the marriage then do it.
    Deleted Account and +TenPercent like this.
  16. EmmyB

    EmmyB Fapstronaut

    You don't need orgasms. Stopping would take a lot of pressure off your husband, especially if it proves hard to cure his condition.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  17. Epic Fight

    Epic Fight Fapstronaut

    Is your husband missing both hands and a tongue? Is the only way to satisfy you a PIV?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Of course people need orgasms. It is the duty of a husband to provide orgasms to his wife. He should stop wanking until he is horny enough to perform his duties. if he can't get an erection strong enough, he has to use his hands and tongue. Medication can also help if necessary.
  19. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    I think it's important to find out if OP is a PA, if she isn't, then M is not a problem if she fantasizes about her husband. If she is a PA, then PM should be stopped and O saved for husband once he is better. That's my opinion
  20. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Dear @EmilySears,

    Contrary to what anyone says:

    A) Orgasm is NOT a need. Air, Water, Food, Shelter? Those are needs.
    B) It is a duty and responsibility to provide your bride with honor, dignity, and respect, a key financial provider for his family, a strong and confident (not controlling and abusive) leader, safety and security, and spiritual leader of the household. Orgasm isn't part of that equation. However, it is prudent that you share your orgasms with your partner.
    C) Medication more often than not is prescribed as a bandaid for a hemorrhage, and particularly in most age groups. It only treats the symptom and not the underlying problem. Eventually, the drugs won't work anymore, and then you're left with what? An even bigger problem.

    If orgasm is your endgame, then why are we talking about any of this? I submit to you that it isn't. Your endgame is intimacy, and orgasm is just a byproduct of sex is just a byproduct of intimacy. No, you don't need orgasm. You need intimacy, and let the orgasms flow as a result of it.

    Happy Thanksgiving!
    ClaritySeeker and Epic Fight like this.

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