1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Sexual Anorexia (Intimacy Avoidance)

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by TheSolarShaman, Jan 21, 2017.

  1. TheSolarShaman

    TheSolarShaman Fapstronaut

    50
    73
    18
    ~~THIS POST MAY HAVE SOME TRIGGERS SO WILL BE CENSORED~~
    .
    TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Trauma
    .
    What does it feel like to connect intimately with another person in their entirety. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually? I do not know...I do not know because beautiful sexual expression was ruined for me at such a young age after my best friend from middle school brought me to his house after school one day, and the events that ensued left me with a dying innocence and permanent fear that physical and emotionally intimacy is horrific and painful. For me...it causes me PAIN to be comforted by someone (physically) in anyway, even if it's not sexual...and any time I am in a situation where sexual experiences happen, I have to mentally "check out" as my PTSD is triggered. (I rarely have any sexual experiences with another person, maybe only 1 sexual experience a year, sometimes less). It's from a past of sexual trauma, it became almost a "safe haven" to seclude myself behind closed doors with pornography...it was simply the only way I could receive "pleasure"...but over the years, it erupted into a horrendous pornography addiction. ALL forms of intimacy from another person towards me cause extreme responses of anxiety, exploitation, and vulnerability for me. Any time someone finds me attractive my brain registers their attraction towards me as them trying to HURT me, and I can't stop that response because I haven't healed from the wounds of my past just yet...this process of NoFap is causing all of those unhealed parts of myself that have been hidden for so long to finally come to the surface, and I'm finally beginning to learn how to be vulnerable and learn what healthy intimacy is...while I'm not at a point where sexual/physical intimacy is comfortable for me yet (and I'm not completely sure it will ever be, but I have hope), what I am learning is this: with proper help, with support, with an open mind, and with courage I can walk through this process and learn to return to a place of healthy sexuality, and no longer live in an isolated bubble of alienation, anxiety, depression, and paralyzing fear of other people and their bodies.
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing.
     
    TheSolarShaman likes this.
  3. TheSolarShaman

    TheSolarShaman Fapstronaut

    50
    73
    18
    Not a problem, it's a difficult thing to be dealing with, especially in the early stages of NoFap (Hard Mode), I'm not sure if other people will be able to relate...but this is my truth, and learning to accept my life in this fashion really opens me up to the possibility of healing and change. I've always been so envious of people who were very sexually active, it's been hard sleeping alone in a bed for almost 27 years now...the odd thing is, is that if you were to see me in real life you would NEVER think this would be a problem of mine...I am actually quite extroverted, very passionate and communicative, humorous, loud, and have many friends...it's even quite common for others to find me physically, emotionally, and spiritually attractive (to the point where I have had men and women almost force themselves onto me because they are so infatuated with me)...
     
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    The beauty of NoFap is we get to "see" you as you are no as everyone else does. With us you are able to share who you are and not as your supposed to be.
     

Share This Page