Sex addiction and porn recovery

I'll touch on a few things that go on in the mind of an addict that may help give you answers to your questions.

Typical addicts show a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde behavior. Early on, before the addiction takes root, the addict learns to compartmentalize. When we are first exposed to porn we find it exciting, but our conscience tells us that it's wrong to look at that kind of stuff and feel sexually aroused. In order to rationalize and continue both behaviors the mind compartmentalizes, or separates into different 'identities'. You can have a work identity.... a family persona... a religious facade... a husband... a father... and the addict lies deeply hidden. This explains, for instance, how a priest can also be a child molester... two identities that should be impossible to occupy the same mind. Addicts are under the illusion that we can keep that identity hidden away in a box and never have it interact or interfere with real life.

We all have emotional needs that need satisfying. The addict is the hungriest animal in the zoo. It is a black hole of neediness. The illness is believing that it can be satiated with enough food. Other parts of the self are sacrificed in order to feed it - that is why people will get divorced, lose their jobs, or get arrested and still protect and nurture their addiction.

As addicts reach the height of their cycle (the point which they are most likely to act out) they feel enormous pressure to act out. There is a mental and emotional shift that occurs before the actual act. They are in the process of altering their mood to feel more excited, more relaxed, or more in control. They may not be aware of the switch, but an outsider will see them acting more selfish, irritable, argumentative, or unsettled. Imagine the drug user who is 'jonesing' for his next high. Relieving the pressure becomes the singular intent of the addict. Addicts do not know how to relieve this pressure in healthy ways... they only know how to act out in unhealthy ways that give the illusion of comfort and relief. The stress of fighting against this feeling only reinforces the temptation to surrender. Addicts at the height of their cycle are in an emotional/mental/physical pressure cooker. In the desire to relieve this pain they will do anything feel better. Rational logic goes out the window... there is only the promise of release from pain that drives them forward.

Addicts are masters at controlling their environment. They are emotionally out of control and seek to structure their lives to nurture the addiction. In the deeper stages of addiction they start to emotionally break down - they cry, they go into fits of anger, develop anxiety, and become paranoid. Deep down addicts are afraid of being alone and will prevent the one person left in their life from leaving them. So that might be why he feels intensely jealous and shows manipulative behavior.

So far what I described is an addict who is not in recovery. A person in recovery can show some of the same symptoms. I showed irritability, anger, mood swings, numbness, emptiness, and depression. But I did not show anger towards my wife or others, I did not blame others for my situation, I was contrite and repentant, and I was open and communicative with my spouse. Some things sounds off about his reboot. How many days has it been since he PMO'd? Is he trying to do this on his own and in secret? Does he have an accountability partner or are you his AP? Is he committed to rebooting or is he doing the minimum? A person can abstain but still act like a 'dry drunk' where they still act out in dysfunctional ways and blame everyone else but themselves for being forced to give up their addiction.

Again, I don't want to spin this and accuse him when he's innocent. But some of these symptoms don't sit right with me.

 

Just a thought but codependency comes to mind. It may be fairly standard with addiction and I don't know enough details of course but may be worth a search of the forum..

 

I'm no expert but I think in an intimate relationship both tends to be a bit codependent, all you can do is work on your part of it I suppose.

 

Just to be clear, I was a douche... an a-hole... selfish... a jerk... etc. during my addiction years. During my recovery I was still angry, irritable, moody, and depressed but I didn't blame my wife. I owned it. I had to re-learn how to be a normal, loving, compassionate person. In many ways I'm still learning.

I do agree with your assessment that we may have some deeply ingrained personality traits that's very difficult to change. Some of it may be genetic or biological. Addiction capitalizes on those weaknesses and brings out the worst in people. If a therapist is involved and things are not improving then there's not much more you can do. You can only work on yourself and he can only work on himself. At least you can have peace knowing you're doing all you can. I admire your determination to make this work. Just don't let the parts you have no control over ruin your life.

 

Both, kinda. Before my recovery, when I was regularly P/Chat-MO'ing, I was manipulative, selfish, etc. Sometimes I knew it while I was doing it, but genuinely believed it was justified/acceptable/right in the moment. Sometimes I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, and may or may not realize it later. In both cases, I would feel horrible, and remorseful, and guilty afterward. That would feed my self-loathing, and drive me back to my drug. I didn't really understand the depth of all those things, and learn to control them (you know - be a decent human being) until well into my recovery.

 

I'm 10 months clean so far. My physical symptoms cleared up in a few weeks. My anger and irritability lasted about 2-3 months. Depression and mood swings lasted about 3 months. Libido problems still persist. Strongest urges with dopamine dumps into my bloodstream lasted about a month. Had strong impulses for about 3 months. Behavior changes didn't feel natural until almost 6 months. I still feel drawn to porn. I still fight against objectifying. I still find my thoughts running in the wrong direction but I cut it off after a few seconds. My brain continues to remind me all day, every day, what used to take the pain away.

You ask why addicts continue to do things that bring them shame. Yourbrainonporn describes 3 things that happen during addiction.
1. Desensitization to good and normal stimulation.
2. Hyper-sensation to porn/sex/prostitute stimuli.
3. Hypo-frontality - weakening of impulse control.

Hypofrontality reduces an addict's ability to assess risk, make long term plans, control impulses, stick to a sense of morality, and the conscience (the ability to distinguish right and wrong).

Addicts are in a constant fight between the healthy Self and the Addict side of their personality. The Addict is able to wear out the willpower of the Self. Acting out is a way for that stress, the fight, the judgment, and the pressure of fighting to go away. It is an emotional decision - 'I just want the pain to go away now... I don't want to think about tomorrow's consequences.' Once that decision is made and the person has surrendered then they can immediately enter 'the trance' where all higher thinking goes out the window. All thoughts of consequences are far away. This state of mind can last for hours or even days. Prostitutes, hookers, escorts, porn shops, chat rooms, massage parlors, and brothels can all help create an atmosphere for an addict to act out.

Addicts have somewhere in their past lost faith that people can help bring them emotional satisfaction. They trust the consistent and repeatable process of their porn/sex rituals. They have learned to find comfort (fleeting and fake) in their rituals. Part of recovery involves rejecting the lies addiction feeds us and reaching out to others and receive true emotional satisfaction from those relationships. Addicts believe they are afloat in an ocean and porn/sex is their only life preserver... they will hold onto it every fiber of their being. Learning to trust others can be a monumental step for many people.

 

Yep. It's every bit as illogical and self-defeating as you think it is, but that doesn't matter because, when it happens, you're not thinking. His description, as you describe it, sounds pretty much how I'd summarize it.

I can point to a specific day when I went from getting less sick, to getting better. That was about 9 months ago, after about 9 months into my reboot. The way I am now ... I can't explain how it's different. It's beyond words.

 

This is my history of recovery. 12 years ago I went to therapy for my problem. It was diagnosed as an OCD and the approach they took wasn't very effective. But mostly my heart wasn't in it and I didn't want to change. My wife was aware of my problem but I kept her in the dark about how I was doing. My head eventually went back underwater and I went back to being my old self. 10 months ago my wife gave me an ultimatum - change or she was going to move out. My outlook was completely different this time. I knew happiness did not lie on the road I was traveling. I also understood that my habit was really an addiction and applied different tools to the problem. I also know I was out of chances.

I quit cold turkey on January 1st and have had no relapses. I have glanced at some questionable things but I did not linger or dwell on them. I have not masturbated and the only orgasms I have is with my wife.

I think once a person knows they have a problem then they are responsible to do everything in their power to address it. I believe it's possible to quit cold turkey. Some people need a transition period where they need to identify ALL their triggers and become aware of thinking and behavior that leads to a relapse. But at some point (usually within a few weeks) there has to be a concrete, set in stone, date when a relapse is no longer permitted. I have officially been an Accountability Partner twice. Both times the person I was helping made some initial progress but then slowly relapsed more and more often. When I finally pointed out that they were going backwards and told them they weren't doing enough, they pouted like little children, rebelled, acted out, and dove back into their addiction. Lots of people like the idea of change but don't want to put in the work... unfortunately many people are not able to do ALL that is necessary to get better.

This is the most confusing part of my recovery. My libido has been very low since the beginning. I don't know if it's because I've suppressed it and shut it down all together to avoid a relapse. I don't know if it's part of my High Functioning Aspergers. I don't know if it's because of desensitization. I don't know if it's because of the Coolidge Effect. I have heard some extreme cases where it takes up to a year to return to normal. Frankly the possible answers scare me.

My wife wanted to be a part of helping me the first time. I shut her out and made it an off-limits topic and I tried to get better in secret and failed miserably. This time my wife was willing to be supportive with the understanding that the primary work had to be done by me. She did not coddle me and kept pointing out my flawed thinking. She was there to listen to my epiphanies and discoveries. I made it a point to talk to her about her feelings during HER recovery. She did not act as my policeman and did not monitor my online activities because if I was determined then I could do things without her ever knowing. She did make sure I was never alone during my initial detox. She encouraged me to keep reading and educating myself about my addiction and how it affects a relationship.

I used tricks and exercises from the first time I went to therapy. I read several books. I read a lot of articles online. I confessed to an elder in my congregation who was very understanding and compassionate. He helped me with the spiritual side effects of this problem and kept checking in with me. I couldn't imagine lying to him or confessing I had a relapse so that kept me on the right path. I kept a daily paper journal and periodically posted to my online journal.

Every single addiction group has a support group that they are encouraged to connect to. Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, and there are various weight loss groups for people who are compulsive over-eaters. Reading about and connecting with others in a similar situation is critical. Firstly, it takes away the feeling that they are alone, that they are a freak, and that they can never get better. Hearing about success stories and applying the things that worked for others is important. The spouse, no matter how well meaning, cannot supply that unique kind of acceptance, information, or hope. The opposite of addiction is NOT abstinence... it's connecting with others and reclaiming your humanity.

I don't know the percentages but I know this truth - the more people that are involved in a person's recovery the greater their chances of success. A person who does this alone and in secret almost always fail. People who have a spouse or parent involved, a therapist, medication, a pastor/minister, Accountability Partner, co-worker, a friend who is a recovering addict, a brother, and/or support group have a greater network that they can tap into for strength, support, information, or intervention.

Those are discouraging things to see. If a person still has faulty thinking, mood disorders, emotional discomfort, unresolved trauma, harbors resentment, or continues secretive behaviors then that is a breeding ground for addiction to flourish. I don't know how much is simple addiction and how much is other stuff. In many ways mental illness is so much more complex and is so much harder to diagnose than any physical ailment. It's much harder for a spouse to make decisions going forward. There is so little concrete facts on which to base a decision. I sympathize for you in your situation.

 

This was the 9 month mark:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/feeling-rebooted-on-day-258.61469/

I'm at 508 (17 months) now.

 

570 today I think.

 

Yes. My husband said he wanted someone to be nice to him. Sad that he didn't even begin to think i needed someone to be nice to me. How about we be nice to each other. oy.

Emotional satisfaction didn't happen in childhood. I still want to give him my heart and I feel like an @ss b/c it seems like he doesn't care. @whyte

Interesting. The long-term plan issue has ben a concern for my husband even B4 I met him.

I wish my husband was interested in how i'm doing.

I, too, don't give up easily. I crave connection.

Thank you @i_wanna_get_better1 and @AllanTheCowboy for your helpful insights.