Setting the Boundaries

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Trigirl78, Dec 29, 2018.

  1. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    can you please help me review the Boundaries I’ve come up with for supporting my partner and his addiction:

    Personal Boundaries:

    I will not re-traumatise myself

    I will not indulge low self esteem thoughts I have after slips.

    I will try to handle your slips with love and enthusiasm as much as I can.

    Our Relational Boundaries:

    I will commit to supporting your desired plan (PMO or PM etc) whilst you are making progress and boundaries are not broken.

    Whilst you are working on your recovery, when you break a boundary or act out in your addiction & hide it from me, I will ask you to sleep in the spare room .

    If you cannot work toward understanding how your addiction or how it has hurt me, and if you continue to excuse your behavior, I will move toward separation from you.

    Boundaries for Addict:
    1. NO technology EVER in the bedroom.
    2. Tell me within 24 hours of any slips
    3. Working away - look at alternative technology & phone devices to watch entertainment on.
     
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure yours are boundaries? They're more like goals or advice. If you hit a bad spot and "re-traumatise" yourself is that really breaking a boundary? I'd be easier, gentler, on yourself.

    For him I like what you've written but it lacks detail about what he should abstain from. Is it just porn? That's great but you might want to be specific if there are other behaviours you cannot tolerate any more.
     
    Trigirl78 likes this.
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    IMO you really need to spell out the boundaries, be specific. Mine are simple and few, other people have more. Whatever works for you and your situation. Mine are no p of any type ever. That includes p-subs. No ogling. No strip clubs. No masturbation, unless it is together and agreed on. If a slip does happen tell me within 24 hours, preferably less. NO LYING! Open up and TALK. These have been the ones he struggles with most, but it has been getting better. While not really listed as a boundary I need to see him putting in work, not just to get through the PA but the help heal us. While I don't have boundaries for myself I am working on things I don't like or want to change.
     
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  4. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Very helpful thank you I think mine sound so soft
     
  5. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Thank you I will re think now I think I’ve been too vague
     
  6. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Our Relational Boundaries:

    I will commit to supporting your desired plan (PMO or PM etc) whilst you are making progress and boundaries are not broken.

    Whilst you are working on your recovery, when you break a boundary or act out in your addiction & hide it from me, I will ask you to sleep in the spare room .

    If you cannot work toward understanding how your addiction or how it has hurt me, and if you continue to excuse your behavior, I will move toward separation from you.

    Boundaries for Addict:
    • No P of any type ever (includes p-subs)
    • No ogling.
    • No strip clubs.
    • No masturbation, unless it is together
    • If a slip does happen tell me within 24 hours, preferably less.
    • NO LYING!
    • Open up and TALK.
    • No technology in bedroom ever!
    • Detachment - look at alternative technology & phone devices to watch entertainment on.
     
  7. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Does this sound ok?
     
  8. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    What if they slip and break the boundary of ‘No P’ but fulfil boundary of telling me within24 hours ?
     
  9. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Then a boundary was broke and you stick to your consequence.
     
  10. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    So maybe I only need 1 of them as a boundary as if I state if slip occurs you must tell me then that should be enough right? I won’t need to state what a slip entails? Why is this so confusing to me lol
     
  11. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    That seems to vary from woman to woman. For some staying away from porn is paramount, for others they are willing to forgive human weakness but cannot cope with more secrets and lies. I wish we could give you a concrete answer, but I think it will only come from soul searching on your part and discussions with your partner. There is no right way to do this, but I am sure you'll find a way that works for you both.

    Did you manage to find other women's boundary lists? @Kenzi has some of her lists in the links in her signature, and here is the post about boundary lists (though it is a tad difficult to sift the list out of the post). And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has an interesting post here about consequences.

    I think your list is good. @Kenzi talks about making the boundaries list together, with each of you allowed to add no more than six specific items to the list.

    One thing though: porn-substitutes or p-subs. It's a vague term that means so many different things to different people. Is a nude scene in a movie a p-sub? Is having attractive friends on Instagram? How about noticing an attractive woman? Does it depend on the viewing intent? In my recovery I have always treated porn as very different from p-subs and everything else. I try to avoid anything that might trigger me back to porn (and that includes masturbation) but the bit that matters, to me and to my wife, is that I stop using porn.

    (N.B. These boundary lists are not for all. My wife and I never drew one up.)
     
  12. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I’m happy with my Boundaries or how I perceive them so far as right now all I need to see is his commitment to trying. His ability to open up when weak or has slipped and his dedication to trying to eradicate it from his life forever.

    I don’t think ogling and other terms are relevant right now but knows as we get we get deeper into this understanding we may have to revisit these boundaries if not relevant.

    My only consequence right now is move out of my room or life (worst case) if little or no progress has been made.

    We sat and watched the youtube on Boundaries together which was good. I plan to share these and see what else he comes up with or feels about them....

    Our Relational Boundaries:

    I will commit to supporting your desired plan (PMO or PM etc) whilst you are making progress and boundaries are not broken.

    Boundaries for Addict:
    • No P of any type ever (includes p-subs)
    • No masturbation, unless it is together
    • If a slip does happen tell me within 24 hours, preferably less.
    • NO LYING!
    • Open up and TALK.
    • No technology in the bedroom ever!
    • Detachment - look at alternative technology & phone devices to watch entertainment on whilst working away.

    Consequences:

    Whilst you are working on your recovery, when you break a boundary or act out in your addiction & hide it from me, I will ask you to sleep in the spare room .

    If you do not work towards fully understanding your addiction and how it has hurt me, and if you continue to relapse, I will move toward separation from you.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  13. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I know this can be confusing and overwhelming at first. Your list need to work for you, you don't have to copy what others do. Do what works for you and your relationship. But you really do need to be specific with addicts, they will try to find loopholes. If you just say 'if you relapse...' some will 'just look' at p and claim they didn't break the boundary because they didn't masturbate to it. Your boundaries can change too as time goes on, they are not set in stone. There really is no one right way to handle this.
     
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  14. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Agreed but if the boundaries are no p or subs and no masturbation then how can this be more specific?

    I may get him to think about what is a potential p sub?
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I define psubs as "ads, GIFs, pics, videos, social media, items, animals, animations, art, non-art, music, sound, smell, friends, strangers, family, fetishes, sexualized or arousing nonsexual items (Evan something as nondiscript as a loofah - if it's" turning you on" currently by visualization or otherwise)"... It's a damn p-sub
    If you..." like it" long enough to "linger" it's looks, and "notice it" in a "heightened heartbeat" way... It's a P-Subs.
     
  16. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Wowzers it’s basically anything that initiates arousal then!
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Absolutely.
     
    Numb likes this.
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Chronic porn users have gone down a rabbit hole and unless you know** what they watch and like, it's unnarrowable

    And even then... Strange things can end up being your specific persons triggers
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Numb like this.
  19. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I set them last night and this morning after looking at CE report for the first time I see he has already broken it!
    I’m back to square one!!!! Seems eBay is a place to look at lingerie!!!!

    So, obviously I have to follow through with this with my consequence of sleeping in spare room! happy new year....NOT!

    Did anyone on where request a complete technology detox for a period of time???

    Seems he’s looked but then stopped and moved on with no MO. But he doesn’t know why he sropped..
     
  20. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    If love it if any of you if you are UK based would swap numbers and we could look to support each other or whether that’s frowned upon?
     

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