Separating The Addict From My Husband

I can see two separate people right now, don't know how long it will last. Today he is 57 days P free. I have seen him come back to be the loving husband he was so many years ago, but I also watch for signs of the "addict" I know those signs and I look for them. I am always afraid the monster will return. As long as I am seeing positive changes and I am still seeing my husband I am OK, not good but OK. Can you see the differences in him?

 

Its a Jeckle and Hyde situation for sure. The sweet side and then the addict. I am always on guard for the addict. I can distinguish his healthy new behavior from past unhealthy behavior.

Have you ever written down a list of the addicty/unhealthy things he used to do, used to be?

Keep your enemies close as they say, so I very intimately know "the enemy"(the addict) part.

For me, when Jak gets into a healthy space or demonstrates healthy behavior and we are close I point it out, his happiness, my happiness, the actually healthy behavior being displayed so he is aware that this is the healthy part of him.

It can be very hard to distinguish, and when triggered all you can see is the addict. I still am working on seeing healthy Jak when triggered. I think it takes time to really be able to separate the two.

 

i was told in a different thread of mine something that made me go hmm...
(sorry i can't remember who said it)
consider this, if the addiction was alcohol. it be easier to separate the two of them right?
the PA is an addiction as well.


now thats not to say that i have an easy time separating the two either, but it does make you go .....ok i can see the two people.

 

You're right it is one person but somehow it's split into husband VS addict at least for me because they are 2 different people VERY. I understand your difficulty it took me a while to get here. I just set up my counter- we're not quite at 60 days yet- thought we were.

 

This is me, right now - in a nutshell.

 

That’s how I always put too. It’s two different men in one body.

 

For me, yes because they act so differently. Night and Day

 

Yes, when I look back at the peek of PA and the whole timeline 18 years, I remember the man I fell in love with, he was watching porn and I knew but the escalation part, the dark out of control part. I could see him changing like a mental timeline. I knew then, the peek that something was changing but didn’t know what it really was (lies, secrets and escalation). I look back on the peek of it and I refer to calling him a monster as he behaved like one to me and sometimes with many other people. I can also think back and see de-escalation the last four 1/2 years and especially the last 6 months since quitting and him opening up.
He’s a better man, the man I always knew he could be, loving, caring and honest. Hes respectful and humble. I can feel it’s genuine and not an act or front like before no more flip flop between the two, Dr Jekle and Mr Hyde. I love one and fear the other. I have chosen to love the Dr (him now) but only if he handles and fights the Mr Hyde.

 

Yes, exactly! Love the Pysch in this response! Ive told my husband about his cognitive dissonance and I think he still has some lingering in certain area's hence why we get into big fights on occasion about things I thought were like pretty clear cut and already discussed.

 

I want to believe this, so badly. But this is exactly the conflict I find myself battling, it's just so difficult to get passed the facts. I want to see the difference; two different people; the man and the addict, truly and I am really trying but... at the end of the day HE was still there, when the "other guy" was hurting me.

 

@TryingToHeal, I don't think you are ever going to "get it".

I like drinking wine (red) .. and I like most beers .. but I don't understand alcoholism (personally). I am lucky/blessed that I have never had to deal with it in any close relationships (parents, etc.) .. so I've never had to think about or worry or really care about trying to get it / understand it.

Somehow, I think you need to let go of trying to fully understand how/why your husband was drawn into [and gave into] his secret porn addiction for all of those years. I DON'T KNOW what that looks like or how that is done.

..

When I read your last two replies -- at first, I thought your biggest concern was buried in these five little words => "...and could do it again"

But you went on to say, multiple times, that you really are hung up on not getting it / not understanding it _and you want to get it_. I think you should, somehow, try to give that up .. give up that desire to understand it fully. ("it" being how your husband could be both Dr Jekle and Mr Hyde at the same time.)