1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Self-improvement: Cleaning out sexual history.

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by CerealKiller, Mar 28, 2019.

  1. CerealKiller

    CerealKiller Fapstronaut

    28
    40
    13
    I am currently listening to the audiobook version of No More Mr Nice Guy and it has motivated me to talk openly about my sexual history to hopefully alleviate any subconscious shame that stems from it.

    Moreover, I have been on my NoFap journey off and on for about two years and I do find my psychology is usually what causes a relapse. I am hoping cleaning out my sexual history in this post will help me be better at abstaining from PMO.

    *Please note that this post isn't for attention, it is just a means of openly exposing my problematic sexual behaviours for therapeutic purposes.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    I'll start with a sexual experience that I have never openly expressed.
    I grew up in a low-income household; living in community housing. It was like a block of small houses. This meant that the other houses were commonly occupied by dysfunctional families and individuals. My mother was borderline negligent in the early years - spending the majority of her time either on the phone or asleep.
    There were two other kids that lived on the block and we would all play together on the nearby playground.
    At some point, I am unsure when or precisely how or why it started, the older brother coaxed myself and his younger brother into participating in sexual acts with him. My guess is that this older brother was likely a victim of sexual abuse. It carried on for a short while but not too long. It is an experience so far in the back of my mind that I find it difficult to fathom its reality.

    At an older age, around 7 - 10 years I acted out inappropriately against my older female cousin. It didn't happen very often, just at strange times. Come to think of it, it would seem I was sexually aware at a young age. As in, I could be aroused by things but likely was not able to understand or process the feeling.

    By the time I entered into my teens I had leveled out. I didn't try masturbation until I was 13, and almost never watched porn as we didn't have the internet at home. Maybe if it was a foreign movie late at night or a raunchy scene in a movie. But it wasn't a prevalent behaviour between ages 13 to 17 as far as I can remember.

    Things became unhinged after I graduated high school. Growing social isolation invited insecurity and mental and emotional instability and my porn dependence increased. At first porn was just dumb fun and I thought nothing of it. When I was depressed, dejected, or bored I could just marathon porn.

    At around the age of 21, I started to dabble in frequenting brothels. The first time sucked. I was living in a bigger city and had gotten a pay bonus and that's when I started becoming a brothel regular. I did enjoy the experiences I had there; and the girls were sweethearts, but it was an offshoot of problematic sexual tendencies. I moved to another town and it had an array of asian massage parlours which I also began to regularly go to - despite almost never having a good experience.
    These behaviours stopped me from being the best version of myself which meant I was erratic, impulsive, and immature. The more I felt like a social reject the more paying for sex and porn use increased.

    There were a few times when I was unfaithful to romantic partners due to various excuses (long-distance etc). I can't help but assume that part of the reason why I was dissatisfied and seeking other outlets was that I was unable to show up properly as a person, partner, and as a man.
    Disappointingly, I traveled to Tokyo last year and spent a good amount of time searching for brothels or sex services. Due to be freaked about by the language barriers I didn't follow through, but I did find a VR porn cafe. I only went once and it was a lackluster experience, but I feel like my urges were an interuption in my overall experience there.

    Now I am 26, and am in the stages of recovery from these behaviours. I am much better at resisting the urge to pay for sex, and my frequency of PMO is lessening.
    However, it is disturbing how difficult the journey is.
    I love the feeling the builds after a week or so of no PMO but because I have such a negative relationship to sex I am anxious to be intimate in future relationships because I don't want to disrupt my streak. I am afraid of feeling back into the hell pit of problematic sexual behaviours - even though I know sex with real partners isn't inherently unhealthy.

    Because PMO has taken so much time and energy, there is a part of me that wants to put that stuff aside and spend more time enjoying peoples company, going on dates, and non-sexual physical intimacy.

    I am scared that I will continue to struggle with these issues. These urges lead to mad swings, and impulsiveness that leads me to fracture my relationship with female friends because I get tempted to make advances on them. After PMO my brain fog makes me really slow and unable to think clearly. It kills my confidence and my motivation.
    Paying for sex is disappointing because it's a money drain (that I could use for bigger goals like buying food to help my gym training, or saving to travel etc). Also, paid sex is so impersonal because of the time-limit, and they often don't allow kissing or more than one round. This kind of outlet is embarrassing because I don't think there is any way a guy can respect himself for having to pay for women to fake being interested in him. There are times when it was very needed and therapeutic and I am grateful for that, but again it was a symptom of a greater issue.


    ... Well, that was kinda tough but it feels good being openly honest - especially with myself.

    Thanks for listening, I guess.
     
  2. I hear you. You are in the right place. Work on no PMO for 90 days and you will see a different person emerge. I am rooting and praying for you.
     
  3. Thank you for sharing your story.
     
  4. plugg

    plugg Fapstronaut

    18
    7
    3
    Thanks for being honest.
     

Share This Page