Guys, I just did it again. I looked up porn with willful intent and masturbated to it. I've been apart of Nofap for about three weeks and I've given in about three times thus far. Here's the thing I've noticed and I'm finding it disturbing. I am looking up the porn in the sense, it feels like I'm doing it out of self-hatred. I don't do it for the porn, I don't do it for the masturbation, I do it because of this sense of self-animosity. I know I'm going to hate myself after I'm done. I know I'm going to regret what I'm going to do. But instead, I just look it up and then afterwards, I feel so horrible. I feel so numb. I feel like it is out of self-hatred but why? I am destroying myself, doing harm to God and all things implied. I feel as if I'm deliberately sending myself to hell (you can take that figuratively or literally). Why am I doing it so deliberately.