Seeking Techniques/Advice

So you had a WD?

Do you practice with a sangha? Do you have a teacher?

 

I am not one to begin trying to recommend techniques.

If you don't go to a temple or monastery I'd say that would be a good stepping stone. Being in contact with a sangha and one day finding a master to take refuge under.

The importance of being involved offline in practice with the Triple Gem cannot be underestimated if one really wants to take their practice seriously.

 

One more thing, unless you are aiming to have a lifelong partner or ideally get married, and are ready to begin a modern form of courtship to pursue that partner, one should not be having thoughts of romance towards people.

As you can see your desire may have been more than you were able to deal with and perhaps you were allowing thoughts and feelings to take over while talking to her that you may have had the ability to not indulge in. Latent seeds arose and boom a WD hits that night and rattles you.

So while I do not claim to not have the same faults as you, I understand that feelings and thoughts are our responsibility and if you seek to walk the Path, you really need to be clear on what it is you want. Marriage or celibacy? That's fine if you are unsure but you just need to avoid indulging in fantasy of attraction even if it isn't overtly sexual fantasy when interacting or being around people you find attractive.

Not everyone can accept it how it is and I understand if you feel different about romantic relationships.

 

So if I understand you correctly your main problem is unwanted wet dreams, right? These things can be either physical, such as too much accumulated energy (in which case things like the big draw to get it away from genitals and hence prevent it from overflowing can work very good), or mental. By mental I mean your brain is triggered to have those wet dreams because of your fantasies, memories or situations in life that stimulate you. Such as having a conversation with a pleasant woman. That's all normal.

One way how to deal with it would be to stay away from situations and thoughts that stimulate you sexually. That means no thinking sexual fantasies, not engadging in sexual acts where you don't get a release and also not thinking sexual thoughts during the conversation with a woman. That probably also means not feeling sexual feelings. That all is quite hard to do, unless you have strong control of your mind. So easier would probably be not to talk to women to begin with so you don't trigger these thoughts and feelings in you. Maybe not even look at women, cos often they walk around in provocative clothing for example. That's my advice, I get that it's not very practical. But that's just reality of things. Your environment will influence your mind through your senses and your mind further will influence your body. That's why people who are super serious about spirituality go and become monks or live in caves in mountains, or alone in forest.

That all being said, I don't necessarily agree with that type of approach of control. To me it is kinda against the whole Buddhist idea of letting go of attachments. So personally I would say stop being so rigid and in need for control. If wet dream happens let it, and then forget about it. There are just some things we can not control in life, at least not to an extent we would like to. And trying to do so will just cause more unnecessary suffering. So in this situation I would recommend just to let go of your ideas of how it should be and just be in as fully as you can in a present moment and accept it as it comes. If you want to have a conversation with a woman do so, but be present and don't fantasize about what you want to do, neither regret what happened. If you can menage to stay fully present then you might just not create any karma that will later visit you in night. Because if you are present there are no desires. And that's unfulfilled (conscious or unconscious) desires that your body fulfills in sleep.

So that's probably the most practical advice I can give you. Let go of need for control of how things should be. Just let them happen without resistance. And learn to meditate during your conversations and interactions with people, so you stay present and out of your head. That will prevent build up of tension, so there won't be need to release it via wet dreams. Resistance however may build even more tension. So by trying to avoid them with force and suppress them you might just be accomplishing the opposite. Think about it.

 

A possible alternative, Buddhist approach to the one suggested in message #4 above, is contained in an irreverently titled book, "The Buddha Walks Into a Bar...A Guide To LIFE FOR A New Generation," by Lodro Rinzler. You might want to look at his chapter on "Sex, Love, and Compassion," which he starts with this quote from Pema Chodron: "Being on the spot, even if it hurts, is preferable to avoiding." For me, Buddhism is not about extremes, e.g. rigid self control or over indulging in hurtful behaviors, but in finding the most compassionate path to follow, both in relation to myself and others. I expect that may differ somewhat for each of us. My goal with nofap is to step aside from the porn-masturbation-orgasm cycle, but not to deny my sexual nature or to even refrain from sex. Instead, I aspire toward a more compassionate approach to my sexual being. All the best to you.

 

Our minds tend to add reasonable explanations to decisions which we usually take on a purely emotional basis. We need to step back and question our true intentions and motives. The mind is Mara and so is the object of our temptation. Our rationalization and justification of talking and engaging with a woman (men for women) is also Mara. Our defilements (Kleshas) have the ability to trick us into thinking that we are following good reasons.

Never forget that lust has hidden agendas of its own. Its own hidden agendas that it won't tell our conscious mind.

Remember that the middle path doesn't necessarily mean a type of lifestyle. Middle path means to let go of feelings of desire and aversion in every single moment. Middle path is not some external lifestyle we have to adopt. Instead, the middle path is something which exists in this very moment in the present moment - which is free from feelings of desire and aversion.

"Bhikkhus, I do not see even one other form that is as tantalizing, sensuous, intoxicating, captivating, infatuating, and as much of an obstacle to achieving the unsurpassed security from bondage as the form of a woman. Beings who are lustful for the form of a woman—ravenous, tied to it, infatuated, and blindly absorbed in it—sorrow for a long time under the control of a woman’s form. (2) I do not see even one other sound … (3) … even one other odor … (4) … even one other taste … (5) … even one other touch that is as tantalizing, sensuous, intoxicating, captivating, infatuating, and as much of an obstacle to achieving the unsurpassed security from bondage as the touch of a woman. Beings who are lustful for the touch of a woman—ravenous, tied to it, infatuated, and blindly absorbed in it—sorrow for a long time under the control of a woman’s touch."
- AN 5.55

(in the above verse, vice versa applies to women as well regarding their relationship to men)

 

@Larophile

I don't know what your goals are but I personally don't think WD's are a big deal until you're at a very advanced level of practice. They're pretty normal for a lot of men when they give up PMO.

Is the big problem the fact that they make you really tired? Because that doesn't sound normal and there might be something else going on with your health. I'm speaking from experience here. O and WD's used to wipe me out more than they should've and it turned out I did have serious underlying health issues. Are you taking good care of your health in other ways?

As far as I understand it, most monks also have occasional WD's and they're not considered a break in their vows because it's beyond their control (at the level of the Individual Liberation Vehicle). So as a lay person, if you can give up P and MO (even better if you take a vow to do so if that's what you want), then that's already a really great commitment to practice.

As far as I know, the only Buddhist practitioners with control over WD's are advanced Vajrayana practitioners. If you get to that level in this life, you can just learn how to deal with them then. It's part of that level of practice to do so. As long as you're not on that level, it's probably not the most important thing to spend so much energy on I think. You can just let them happen and move on with your life.

If you want to practice on that level, you really need close guidance from an experienced Guru, it's not necessarily a good idea to try to do it without that kind of guidance.

My two cents, I hope it's helpful.

 

Good Advice well said, thank you AmeVirupa.....I wonder what Virupa would say to Larophile?
Namaste....