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Seeking support

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by white burger, May 8, 2019.

  1. white burger

    white burger New Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    In short, I'm 28 yo gay man. First sexual experience at 27. In a commited relationship with boyfriend for 4 months. PMO since I was 13 yo. Severe PIED. 60 days without PM, O only with boyfriend once\twice per week. Having hard time stop fantasizing (with or without an erection)

    Just had a very discouraging sexual experience with my boyfriend. Just could not get it to work. He knows about my PIED and he helps me, but I saw how disappointed he was. It happend after a few good days with random boners during the day and even one morning wood. Last week I was able to penetrate him, which is quite an achievement.

    I know that recovering will take a lot of time and I know that the progress is non linear.Still, I thought I might share in order to get some advice regarding my situation. Should I lower the frequency of our sexual interactions? Should I just push through and accept the current situation until my body will heal? Do this discouraging sexual interactions helps rewiring or harm it? Aside from stop fantasizing (working on it, these are not porn re-runs, but still), can I speed up my healing somehow?

    Thanks for everything,
    WB
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  2. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    Push through...you need to get used to real sexual experiences.
     
    white burger likes this.
  3. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Partnered, loving sex is something that you should learn to enjoy. Be in the moment, appreciate it for what it is. Appreciate your partner and their touch. Focus on their pleasure, not just your own. If fantasies are diverting you away from being in the moment and connecting with your partner, then you should acknowledge this and refocus on the moment and the act that you are living in. If you know you will be intimate with your partner, then there is no harm in fantasising about what you will get up to in the run up. This may help you to be more in the mood both mentally and physically, but only do this if you are keeping to fantasies of your partner and acts that they are confortable engaging in and enjoy.

    The thing that will most speed up your recovery is a total commitment to avoiding porn and masturbation. A single relapse or reset is the biggest barrier to progress. Avoiding partnered sex will not help you to be comfortable and confident having partnered sex.

    As with everything, different people will have different advice. I never really suffered from PIED, but preoccupation with specific fantasies stopped me from enjoying the sex that I was having. Your erotic thoughts are better focused on the erotic acts that you are engaged in. Really focus in on the moment, your partner and their touch. If you don't rise to the occasion, then focus on your partner's pleasure. Seeing them enjoy themself is a better way to get hard than worrying about your softness.

    Patience might be required. But the wait will be worth it.

    Good luck, and keep up the good work with your efforts.
     
  4. white burger

    white burger New Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you for your elaborate response. Focusing on my partner's pleasure is exactly what I was trying to do. It is still difficult to completely ignore my own physical failure, but it's work in progress.
    Maybe it is worth mentioning that my fantasies occure during day dreaming and not during sex. I intend to stop this by keeping myself as busy as I possibly can be.
    Other than that, PM is not an option. So I was happy that you wrote that this is the best way to speed up my recovery.

    Thanks again and take care!
     
    hope4healing likes this.

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