Seeking my future strong self

Hello, about 2 months ago I was here posting a diary about my streak, after some relapses I quit the diary. After those relapses I had some good streaks of about 10 days. Then i relapsed hard for more than two weeks, and now im here again. Im in a pretty bad psychological state now. This was my day1 of my new attempt, and most of the day (and previews days) felt mildy depressed which is very bad, lost interest in everything, and very anxious.

I want these feelings to go away now, and sometimes do go away for a short time, but then come again. I know that only time will heal me. I dont want to feel like this ever again, and maybe this relapse was important to prove to me that fapping etc are indeed dangerous. I dont even care anymore about whether nofap will make me more sexually active or not, i just want to feel 'normal' again.

As of today, i will keep posting even if i relapse, but right now i feel i dont want to fap ever again. I will let you know tomorrow how it goes + more about the last months that i wasnt posting.

 

Thank u for the reply! Indeed, it seems to be good motivation

 

Well, cz im too physically and phychologically tired, ill just say this: as hard as day2 and day3 may have been, day3 will become day4, and not day0...

 

I expected to see some improvement in how i feel on day4, however it was even worse than the previous days. especially in the afternoon i had a lot of anxietym and then no anxiety but feeling depressed. i dont want to accept that im feeling so much pain. However i try to keep myself very busy and it helps. urges also seemed to be getting stronger today. hopefully ill take a good nights rest, and see how tomorrow goes.

 

Thank you for the reply. I truly wish you good luck. At least we know we and other people are experiencing the same things in trying to overcome this, so we can give each other some power to continue. I will definitely read your posts

 

Thanks my friend. Indeed, a good nights rest (when you can get it)does help in difficult days, you just have to accept it and stop seeking other more harmful ways to endure the pain through the night. I will try to catch up with your posts. any sort of reply is more than appreciated.

 

wow, day5 is almoast over. These days, hard as they were, passed pretty quickly. This day was better in terms of social anxiety and urges (sort of flatline) and depression although strong when it hit, didnt last for long. the truth is i take some medical marijuana to soothe out the pain. i know i shouldnt be using it for this purpose, and dont suggest anyone else to do it, but i do, at least for now.
Its almoast midnight now, and feelings of self guilt and fear have emerged, resulting in thinking of relapse, but i must remain strong. Tomorrow theres this sort of party that i must attend with all my classmates. i dont want to go for various reasons that i dont want to mention here, but i think the best thing to do is go, and then try to leave as early as possible, and then when i come back home, just try to remain strong cz i know from now i will not be in a very good psychological state. on the other hand it could go better than i expect the party itself, the day will show...

 

Hey mate, thanks. Congratulations, and i wish you luck as well. It is true, what i have mentioned just now about self guilt and fear resulting in thoughts of relapse, the thoughts of relapse result themselves in an erge, an actual, physical urge. So it is a matter os shutting down if not the thoughts of self guilt, the urge itself... And then as youve said as days go by it will become easier.

 

Two hours until day6 finishes. Although i woke up feeling depressed, th day turned out to be better in terms of feelings of social anxiety and depression. Although i felt ok, i followed my plan and left from the party early enough to not get drunk, because i know that if i stayed longer there was a chance i got drunk, and i didnt want to risk it at all.
The downside is that im still having thoughts of relapse, even more than the previous days. Day6 was always hard for me, and i have relapsed many times on day6. The problem at the moment is that its been so long since ive felt an inner strenght, or enthusiasm about anything. So i turn my thoughts to relapse because i know it will make me feel good. However i know that fap to porn etc is the reason i am here, so i should remain strong. there should be no excuse to relapse, i should just endure the pain for yet another night, and not think about how tomorrow or the days after go. just focus on tonight. Plus, i want to make today day7, and not day1...

 

day7:
Last night was very difficult due to urges, but managed to go through. Today was finally a good day it terms of depression and social anxiety, i had no anxiety at all, and just felt bad for a short time, so im very happy for this.
On the other hand, urges seemed intolerable, i was home until about 16:00 and felt like i couldnt endure it. I then went for a walk, and guess what happened while i was walking for 40 minutes: i was relieved from all that physical tension, and my mind cleared a lot. So i have decided to put a long walk in my schedule to do everyday. I know that exercise might be even better, but i prefer walking much more.
I will not post tomorrow cz it wont be possible, but hope i come back here on day9
(P.s. it feels good to know that i can now get erections easier than before!)

 

Day 9: well day 8 and 9 have been good days i must day. depression when it hit lasted only for a very short time (about an hour) and social anxiety almoast non existent. Also, urges are there, but i believe i can handle them better: it feels like i can just feel my strong erections, but my body is not begging for me to wank.
In general i feel better, altough i do still feel a bit 'weak'. Not depressed, but not confident either, just ok with myself.
I now feel its time to share with you that during the time i was away from here, i found out that caffeine is very bad for me, but any form of it, be it coffee, tea, or even hot chocolate, and since i quit caffeine, i do feel calmer and sleep much more easily.

 

Day10:
Wow, finally reached double digits. i have been around people all day (and will be for the next weeks to come) so nofap now is easier. Depression has vanished, but anxiety hit about 2 hours ago, hope it goes away.
Also, today i though i hit flatline, but when i got to bed i had an urge, so maybe urges just come and go.
In a few days i will attempt to quit smoking, because the past months i have found out it makes me really tense, right now im just giving some time to myself to make sure that it does make me tense.

 

Day12 is over, and this means that ive passed my all time streak. Its the first time in years since ive done no pmo for 12 full days, so congratulations to me.
Depression has vanished, and any anxiety i feel is mostly due to smoking cigarettes by now, and not so much because of nofap. This is the reason im planning to quit, smoking makes me tense for sure, and sometimes produces something like anxiety, mostly in my head. Ive also not used any form of marijuana for a week. I have a huge headache now, and i suspect it has to do witg the medical marijuana substances waring off.
Urges with erections are there and strong sometines, but much more manageable.
I hope tomorrow the headache is gonem and that day13 goes well.