Scared girlfriend

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have to come here.
I know the feeling, what to do ? and how ?, where ?, when? and so on, there are a few things you need to know, and
nr 1 is : You can not fix him, he has to do that for himself.
You need to do work on yourself. The best you can do is to sit down and think over what you will and will not accept, we Sos on this forum have all been where you are more ore less, and what seems to have helped us the most, is to make some clear boundaries.
The worst part is the lying and the avoiding to tell the truth. When we find out that we have been lied to, and we can not trust our partner anymore.
Think of it not so much as other women on the screen, but dopamine and serotonin, that what it is all about, something going on that keep our partners high.
I can not tell you what your boundaries are, but I guess from what you are writing that you want him to be transparent in his recovery, and stop avoiding answering your questions ?
Do yourself a favor, read and inform yourself, both in this section on this forum, and on http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
To understand the science a bit more I would highly recommend Gary on You Tube.

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

 

Welcome to the forum. Porn addiction often bring relationships to the brink of destruction before things start to change. You have to balance your desire to be helpful, loving, and being supportive with all the hurtful things he has done and the failures that might occur during recovery.

It sounds like this is his first attempt at recovery. If it is then he is likely to fail. Many of us thought we could get rid of this 'habit' on our own, but this problem is really a full blown 'addiction'. It is a much more serious problem and requires different skills to overcome. Many first-timers will try to do 'just enough' and will often come up short. An addict who is minimizing his problem will try fixing things on his own and will not look for help from others. An addict needs to put aside his pride and admit he needs more help that he can muster on his own. An addict will try to hide his shame and all embarrassing details from his SO... he does not trust that someone else can look at him without judgment.

Some people in recovery are able to simultaneously fix themselves and work on their relationship... some people don't have the mental energy to do both. One critical component in fixing the relationship is for him to provide concrete evidence that he can be trusted. What he has been hiding is a betrayal to you. He likely doesn't view it that way, but the truth is that you are deeply hurt. He may want to fix things on his own, but that works against fixing the relationship.

Because of his likely failures (both ones he confesses and those he hides) he is going to continue to hurt you. Your natural response is going to be to want to protect yourself - and protect yourself you should! An addict cannot be trusted to look out for YOUR interests, so you have to look out for yourself. You are going to have to decide just how much you are willing to put up with. It sounds like you do have an open line of communication, but you need to let him know what expectations you have and what the consequences will be if he does not live up to them. Then you must be willing to follow through on them. He needs to understand that porn is bad, but lying and deception is worse. You are NOT required to stay and help, and you should not feel guilty if you decide this is too much.

 

I can totally understand why you'd feel this way. It's one of the reasons I'm incredibly scared of dating right now, of getting into a relationship. I don't want to hurt the potential woman I'd end up with. I can't speak for your boyfriend, but since he told you about this website I can at least, hopefully, speaking as a porn-addicted guy myself, offer you some reassurance...

First, I want to say, what he did, keeping those pictures, looking at other women, it's not cool. Period. No arguing, no nothing. It's not the way one should behave in a relationship. You have every right to be upset at him for it and ask him to stop doing that while he is with you. It hurts you, and it's something he most definitely needs to work on if you choose to stay with him. If he wishes to keep you around, he should be open with you. My guess is that right now, he's not seeing you as his support, friend, and lover, that he can rely on to help him overcome this addiction, but rather as someone that he is ashamed of facing because, on some level, he probably knows he's not acting justly.

I understand how it feels on a very personal level too. My third girlfriend and my fifth girlfriend both looked at porn, and it hurt me. It made me feel unattractive and undesirable to them too, so I can relate. Ironically, I was never, before my addiction escalated, the kind of guy to watch porn in relationships. When I got my first girlfriend in 2010, I looked at porn once, because my guy friends told me "oh it's normal," "she doesn't need to know," but let me tell you, when I did it that one time, it haunted me and I ended up telling her. I said I wouldn't look at porn again; she was understanding of it, though she was a bit hurt. I didn't do it again while I was with her though. I already found it somewhat difficult to stay away from it, but by that point I hadn't escalated to watching it 3-6 hours a day, wanking to weird fetishes yet, and I could still get aroused over "normal" sex.
However, by the time I got into my fifth and last relationship, which was early last year, I had been single for about 2 years. I had become massively addicted to porn and just couldn't do without it. The fact she did it too was not exactly motivation to quit for me. She recently told me she quit watching porn too and she did it because she was in a very "dark place" at the time.

I guess what I'm saying here is, as much as I hate to regurgitate that same old bullshit you'll find online (because so often it actually doesn't mean what I'm about to say next if you ask me); because he watches porn compulsively does not mean he doesn't love you in this case; there is another reason for it that has very likely nothing to do with you. The fact he is on here, and the fact he's trying to get better should offer you some proof that he is working to get better. That said, again, I do feel that he should be 100% open with you for the sake of maintaining your trust and good graces.

He is an addict. And he recognizes this. Otherwise he wouldn't be on here. So that's a good start. Talk to him about it, be patient with him. It's very likely not easy for him to open up to you about it because he very likely feels shame. Both towards you and towards himself (though the latter is most likely more of an unconscious matter). This is probably also the reason why he feels like sleeping apart. My guess is, and this is how I would feel, that he failed you in some way.

And since he's on here, I just want to say one thing to both of you; at the end of the day, you can talk about this stuff all you want, but he's the one that needs to actually put in the effort to "get clean." I'm not sure how far down the gutter his mind is in terms of porn fetishes etc., but the road will be long and hard. He needs to delete all that shit he has in terms of porn, porn substitutes and pics of other women. Take comfort in the fact you have each other. Have loving sex together. It's probably very smart for him to abstain from orgasms for the next several months so his brain can rewire to you, to natural, normal sex instead of pictures and videos.

You know, I actually always smile when I read about a woman having a problem with their man watching porn. Simply because I've been with women that did it, and I didn't like it either, and it's somewhat of a fear of mine to fall in love with a woman who ends up being a porn wathcer... So thanks for that.

 

You're welcome! I wasn't trying to suggest the two of you should abstain from sex though. When I was talking about abstaining from orgasm on his part, I literally only meant exactly that; abstain from orgasm. Not from sex itself. In fact, it would be more than beneficial to continue having sex once you both are ready for it. Just don't bring him to the point of orgasm when the two of you are making love. Any- and everything else is completely up to you. I understand this is very hard on you as well, and I commend you for sticking around. In the past I've also felt the urge to walk away when I found out my women did this shit, which is somewhat ironic, because, even though I was developing an addiction, I at least made the sacrifice of not getting my rocks off to someone else, whereas they never saw the problem with it. It's become so "normal" in this society that people don't even think about it anymore. Oh well, give it a decade or so. People will figure it out.

 

@fupornwife

 

Yes, my husband did have some discomfort at first, cold showers helped, but it is very possible. My husband has continued to have sex with me but not orgasm, called karezza, during his reboot. He went 45 days, Oed with me, started over and tomorrow will hit 90 days!! The reboot, karezza and FANOS, have saved our marriage, no exaggeration. See links in my signature about all. Turn sideways to see if you're on your phone.

 

Well, I guess you have your answer lol. Good luck!

 

Do what ever you need to do for you! What ever it takes don't go down or get the hell out of the rabbit hole. He is already there you can not help him if you go down too. Love yourself first or you can not love another

 

Hi there
reading your story and just wanted to offer you some support. It honestly makes me happy to read your thought process about where you stand in the relationship. I read so many posts on here from women who haven't been in the relationship that long and are willing to put themselves through potentially, years more of suffering for someone who may or may not care enough to change. Be so thankful you found this out now before you own a home or have a family together. If I had any advise, I would say listen to your gut and your instincts, they won't lead you wrong. I am dealing with this issue in a long tern relationship, where children are now in the picture. I am not saying I would have walked away for sure if I had found out as early in the relationship, and to be honest, it wasn't an addiction for us at that point, (but everything was inline for us to end up where we are now), but I will tell you it is alot harder to do later, when there is more at stake. You deserve so much better then this, we all do. I am posting a link to my story here, if you are interested. Take care of yourself.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/moving-beyond-or-moving-on.79202/