Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Fapstronaut

    These are huge realizations-thank you for sharing them!
    My husband too realizes that he was a jerk. That he used being upset with me as an excuse to pmo. That he would pmo to "get back at me". That he neglected me and that pmo was the cause of his depressive symptoms. I am glad that he has had these realizations.
    I am haunted by him saying "I don't want to remember what I thought back then" about his PMO girls (and subsequently refusing to tell me his thought process). Also haunted by him saying "I told you the truth amd loom what happened" when I cried after he admitted that for years he didn't find me attractive.
    He refuses to admit that the reason he found my unattractive was because he was enthralled with P and I didn't provide the perfection or variety he liked. Instead he says "I didn't find you attractive because I was depressed".
    Well he certainly found P attractive at that time.
    *whew* thanks for the venting space!
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  2. Maybe I am dense..but what does your husband mean when he says "It was my emotions!"

    What about choosing to look at porn (addiction or no addiction) is 'EMOTIONS'?!?

    I am so confused. It is like asking someone, "Why did you eat that greasy half-pound cheeseburger?" ... And they answer, "It was my painful hangnail!"

    What does one have to do with the other?!?!


    To your husband, what does 'emotions' have to do with porn addiction? Is he saying it wasn't an addiction because he was so emotionally wrapped up in masturbation?!? (that doesn't even make sense)

    I guess I'm just confused. :confused:
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  3. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I do recognise some of these behaviours in myself.
    - in my relatively recent past anyway.
    The excuses to isolate myself & create opportunities to PMO, - and the forced division in how we would spend time together resonates with me.

    Myself and my girlfriend have never had a successful sex life.
    It's just never worked, and there is a massive gap in communication around anything too emotionally vulnerable - which makes it near impossible to have a direct conversation using real-life terms.
    It's always been confusing, and I think that over the years, that lack of emotional trust has really damaged us.
    I'm not blaming this for my own issues with porn addiction.
    It's just an unfortunate fact in our relationship.

    Anyway, I digress...
    Your communication and understanding of the behaviours around PMO addiction is quite incredible.
    Vehement denial at this stage seems really odd, especially if cards are on the table.
    What's really the point?
    I'm sure it's safe to say that most adults understand the concept of mastubation, - what the results are supposed to be, and the fact that porn is a vehicle by which to achieve those results.
    There seems to be a gap in logic somewhere, if your husband can admit the most easily digestible aspects of porn addiction, - but strive to keep other terms out of the conversation.
    Surely right now would be the easiest time to just say the words, - rather than building even more complex emotional worlds in which to hide.

    Blaming 'your' emotions is truly outrageous.
    Blaming something - ANYTHING - seems to be what people do when they're cornered by their own behaviour, and know there's no way out - other than to lie and obfuscate the truth beyond recognition.
    It's odd that he knows he's in that corner, but continues to use that excuse (it's your emotions) without qualifying such a statement.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Fapstronaut

    He says it because avoiding difficult emotions was the reason he turned to PMO in the first place. So now that is his default whenever we talk about his addiction.
    I think in his eyes, because the underlying reason for PMO was to use it as a coping mechanism he is absolved from the sexual aspect.
    Ok so if a binge eater copes with stress by eating, and eats a full cake, she/he could say "I ate the whole cake because I was stressed". Not "I drove to the store, looked at all the cakes, chose this one because it was chocolate, hid in the kitchen, and ate it".
    So he denies the behaviours because focusing on the "big picture" makes him feel less guilty.
    But I don't give a fuck about the big picture .
    If a drunk driver killed a person I don't care that he got drunk because he was using alcohol as a coping mechanism for hard emotions. I care that he was dumb and selfish enough to drive drunk.
    I want honesty. Transparency. Protecting the marriage rather than self.

    His CSAT told him that I am well read and when I see these behaviours that it triggers me because he is still in denial. Yet he refuses to be honest. I do not feel safe with my husband at all.
  5. No doubt. I think this is the point. He is still focused on himself in these discussions.
    He wants to talk about why he did it, so he can then be able to stop. Also he can see progress in himself.
    For myself, focusing on quitting was a constant thought in my brain the entire time. Every day, every year.
    So when I made progress, especially at first, it was also my entire focus.
    But there was no room in there for anyone else.
    It took quite some time before I was not concerned that “today might be the day that I relapse” and how good it felt to make it one more day without relapse.
    He doesn’t get that you don’t want to talk about his recovery. And you don’t care why he did it. That you don’t really want to talk about him at all. You want to talk about you, and how what he did affected you. But you also want him to tell you what you already suspect is the truth.
    He’s probably afraid to say it or admit it the same way as before because of how you reacted the first time he admitted it. It might even feel to him like if he does he will lose some of his progress in being sober. He probably thinks you have healed more than you have and is afraid that this evidence that you haven’t is also a step back toward the addiction that he has run away from.
    In any case, he hides behind this view of things where he did something that hurt you but he didn’t do it to hurt you.
    The reason is very important to him because if he did it to hurt you and not because of “his emotions” he will hate himself and doesn’t want to look at himself that way.
    Or maybe that’s just me projecting....

    If it were me I would feel like the truth would destroy my marriage and my wife would hold this against me for the rest of my life. Kind of a bleak future with no benefit to it. But that’s the coward speaking.
    Logically, I know it’s like a wound where it is infected and until you do the painful thing of cutting it open and squeezing the puss out and disinfecting it, it won’t get better.
    So seeing that the extreme pain of honesty will build trust and then heal, albeit slowly, would be the thing that would convince me to face my demons and admit to my wife that I hurt her in the way she is suspecting. The reason doesn’t matter, and she isn’t going to trust me just because I overcame my addiction, which took all of my focus (both the action and the overcoming it) for the past xx years.
    I don’t know how you are going to convince him to focus on this wound when he still has his own that takes all of his focus.
  6. Amazing post Thor! I think ypubare spot on.

    @Sadgirl: your husband needs to stop complaining about his trigger finger that hurts (the trigger finger he used to shoot you up with an Uzi..Dr. Weiss reference)

    Bottom Line: he needs to stop focusing on his own pain/discomfort and focus 100% on your pain and anguish. You know that .. I know that -- how do we get your husband on the same page?

    You mentioned he still won't admit that he was/is a porn addict...right? If so, he is still in serious denial. And I think that isnpart of the problem.

    Has he watched the 'Help Her Heal' videos by Dr. Weiss??
    Sadgirl and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  7. I am sorry to hear that. I know at times when I've talked to my husband he always said, "But I never intended to hurt you," which always got me angry because my thinking was, "how were you not trying to hurt me when I told you prior to the relationship this would hurt me and my health." We have had that conversation a million times until my husband tried explaining it in a different way that when he would use PMO to escape uncomfortable/stressful/painful emotions that his intent was to escape and even though he knew it would hurt me and would try fighting the urge he'd eventually give in because of the high anxiety/panic feeling he would have until he used. Now, logically I understand what he went through, I accept it, I actually understand that urge feeling from my own addictions, but I needed to hear him understand that no matter how addiction worked, he needed to acknowledge the pain of the sexual betrayal. It was slow but he after 2 years is 60-70% of the time we talk about it able to start understanding the surface of my pain which is huge. I can tell you that without him trying to understand and own the sexual betrayal I have no idea where I would be in my healing.

    I hope your husband can understand that you need to talk about your pain, and he needs to understand the pain he caused. Has he ever watched "Help Her Heal" vids br Doug Weiss? They might help him understand what you're going through.
  8. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    All this denial! This would be so maddening. I'm sorry he is doing this, that is terrible for him, terrible for your marriage, and terrible for your healing.
  9. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    I think this is spot on for every SO who needs acknowledgment of the betrayal and how it has affected them (that it HAS) affected them. SOs need to see that ownership and accountability. Then, hopefully empathy. That is what allows for healing, for everyone.
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Fapstronaut

    Another D Day today. Back to square one. Again. I feel so detached though and numb. At least that feels manageable. I cried a bit. But not about him. Just about all the lost time in my life. My lost youth. And having no where to turn right now.

    5 hours of intermittent truth telling tonight. But yeah he told me that "there was nothing else" immediately after DDay 1 (July 2017 ) DDay 2 (August), DDay 3 (October) DDay 4 (November) DDay 5 (January), DDay 6 (April), DDay 7 (May)
    and this would be DDay 8. "Nothing else". Nothing but lies and self protection and fucking stupidity that I just don't care to deal with anymore.

    I wish I had parents. I wish I had someone to rescue me from this hell. Where is my White Knight? Will I ever have one?
    Oh yeah. He's probably PMOing right now. I've lost faith. Not that I had much. But I want someone to come rescue me from this shit. I'm tired of having to hold everything together for years while my 16 year old 43 year old wasted our marriage on fantasy. I hate him. I have nothing left for him. It's just all so pathological.

    13 months. It's fucking ridiculous. All to pretend he was fucking other women. What a God damned insult and horrible way to continue wrecking a family.
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  11. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I'm really sorry you're having such a shitty time.
    Can you get away?
    Even for a week to remove yourself from the situation?
    Sadgirl likes this.
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry.
  13. I am so sorry. I know how iy feels to have a lot of ddays... i think we had 8 porn ddayd and a couple car ddays... the lies are the worst and most destructive.

    Is there anything you plan to do to take care of yourself during this time?
    Sadgirl and Thor god of thunder like this.
  14. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    This scares me so badly because I'm in the exact same boat except I've given mine 7 years... to think it could be twice that long someday gives me nausea.
    Sadgirl likes this.
  15. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    I just reread my journal (6 months worth of a lot of pain) and forgot about the several times you posted and made good comments so I found your journal and now see you haven't posted in about 4 months. I hope you are ok. You are missed. You are one of many that helped me and I won't forget that.
  16. Lapirata48

    Lapirata48 Fapstronaut

    I'm also really sorry (sad) to see your husband has never taken complete ownership and put you through so much misery. What have you been up to lately?
    vxlccm likes this.

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