Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Good question.
    It feels like a horribly unfair burden. Because we should have been a team. I *thought* we were a team. I was in it for life. But I also feel like for 10 years he decided to *not* be in the marriage-so to me he already made his choice.
    I just hate feeling like I am #1000 on his list of beautiful women. It's not right.

    It also feels incredibly frightening because I never thought of life without him. Never. I was 100% commited. But now a potential new reality is in front if me and I feel frightened and unprepared. Alone.
     
  2. Does your counselor/therapist have you on your own path of recovery? Do you feel there is a set path laid out before you to follow?

    I'm not saying that every betrayed spouse follows the same path .. far from it! But do you feel like you understand the general process you are following? Or are you just getting counseling/input from someone and seeing where things go?
     
  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Great questions.
    I honestly should be doing EMDR I think. Will revisit that as my triggers are getting worse it seems.
    I journal. I belong to online recovery group. I am steeped in self care.
     
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  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    My favourite quote about PA:
    "If you look at porn your wife will believe she isn't enough. And if you keep looking, you will start to believe that as well".
     
  5. Kind of scary really. Im starting to think there are a lot more out here like us. PA isnt likely to be disclosed.
    How would you ever know if you could trust another guy.
    What a position we have put women in!
     
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    My husband and I are on the road to putting our marriage back together. He's working hard on his recovery. Yet, I don't know that I will ever fully be able to trust him fully again. I'm not talking physically. I mean emotionally. There are walls and vulnerabilities that I don't think I can ever break down again. That part of me is gone. My heart has been too battered and bruised and when I have attempted to let my guard down, it has been proven to be a mistake.

    Likewise, if anything were to happen to him, I will never marry again. I do not trust that there is one man out there that does not have some issue with porn or will not lie to me about it. I will never go through anything like this again.
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I should clarify that I'm not a man hater. I still love men. I just wouldn't date or marry one again. Or a women either. Lol.
     
  8. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I agree. I think it is really unsafe out there and I think PA has become an epidemic. I would like to think though that I know the red flags now. I would never plan on marrying again either. But I sometimes think dating, and attention, would be fun though.
     
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  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    hey @Sadgirl!! I have been wondering about you.. I was hoping we didn't hear from you because you were in a better place - but I guess not. I'm sorry.

    I've been away a few weeks myself - it made me smile to see your name pop up. :)

    missed you. sorry for all the bullshit.
     
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    @phuck-porn! I have missed you friend!!!! Thanks for your post- It is so good to hear from you <3 <3 <3
     
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Something that bugs me.....
    My husband used to stay up and "watch movies" (always superhero ones that I never wanted to watch). Sometimes he would "watch" 2 and be clicking away on porn sites. When I suggest that he must gave found something really enticing to "watch" 2 movies (aka spend 3 hours edging) , he denies it.

    He always says "It was my emotions!" any time I bring up the sexuality of what he did. Not "yeah I found a great site with hot chicks and wanted to edge as long as I could". While I rotted away upstairs.

    It is like his default so he doesn't have to feel shameful. It is really frustrating.
    I would way prefer that he was honest.

    Once I read him a letter I wrote about how he couldn't wait to get to the computer to edge to "the hot chick" he looked at the time before. He started bawling saying "That is exactly what it was like".
    Then when we revisit that concept he back pedals "IT WAS MY EMOTIONS".
    For fucks sakes. If I hear that again I will go mental. Those 4 words spell out
    D E N I A L to me.
    I should just not even care. I don't think he is capable of being honest. I am trying to detach but these things still drive me crazy.

    PAs am I crazy for these feelings/observations?
    I think I hate him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
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  12. I am so sorry.
     
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  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry. Denial is so hard to cope with on the other side of it. What does he even mean by, "It was my emotions!"? Like he was sad or upset or something so he looked at P?
     
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  14. It is frustrating when someone won’t just own what they did.
    But I do find myself seeing different motivations for my actions that I wasn’t aware of the longer I am away from porn.
    And sometimes those motivations are uglier than I remembered.
    It hard to come to grips with terrible reasons even if you are making progress now.
     
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  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yeah- like the driving factor was escape from his feelings. He conveniently forgets that his escape was other women:rolleyes:
     
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Can you please elaborate? :)
     
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Do you think I am expecting too much?
     
  18. I guess I don't quite understand both sides.

    When you say:
    "any time I bring up the sexuality of what he did"

    What do you mean by that?

    I don't fully understand what you are communicating by that...and then, I really don't understand what "It was my emotions!" means in response to that. (not sure if that is b/c I don't understand your first comment .. or his response .. or both)

    ..

    So I can't speak to if I think you are expecting too much -- I'm not following the core of the discussion and difference of opinions/perspectives.

    Can you explain further?

    [I am more than happy to give my thoughts...once I understand better.]
     
  19. I guess when I was looking at porn or nearer to the time, I was more selfish.
    I felt entitled. I felt like I wouldn’t have to look at porn or could resist better if my wife was nicer to me, had more sex with me, etc.
    As I’ve gotten more perspective, I see that I was not caring how she felt, that I was a coward for not facing the consequences of my actions, that I wanted to blame her instead of me. It was my weakness, not hers.
    It was disloyal on my part to think about other women. Not disloyal for her to not act like I wanted.
    I was a selfish, uncaring, not taking responsibility, not wanting to really give it up, jerk.
    But at the time I couldn’t see it.
    Now, without the constant thinking about women as sex objects input. I’m able to see that I didn’t treat women like people and I wasn’t the good man I told myself I was.
     
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you!!!! Anytime I bring up his PA (he refuses to admit it was a P addiction, however, and says it was a "masturbation addiction"- even though he looked at 365 daysx 8 hours per day of P in the last 10 years) he says "It was my emotions!"
    So if I say "It really hurts me that you called me to make sure I wasn't coming home so you could time your PMO" he says "It was my emotions".
    If I say "I don't feel comfortable being seen naked by you because you have seen so many naked women" he says "it was my emotions".
    "I am so hurt that you preferred porn over me so much that you didn't have sex with me for 2 years".... he replies "It was my emotions".
    Initially he told me he likdd PMO because of the variety and because it was easy. He also told me that he" loved striptease photos, loved tight clothing and brunettes with big hips, nice hair, nice lips, nice smile". This was about a month after I discovered his secret life. Now he back pedals insisting he never said all that and that it was his "emotions". I seem to have gotten more honesty when the porn fog was still foggy.

    Like there is no admitting what he actually did. Like he hides behind the fact he wanted to escape rather than accept what he escaped with.
    It really bugs me.
     

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