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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.
Glad to see you back here. It was a year for me today. Sucks to still be in this mess.
Hey!!! Good to "see" you but yes it sucks to be here. Our D days are almost identical. How are you doing? How is recovery work going? As you can see things aren't super healthy here :/ PM me if you would like!
I have a question for you people completing one year, Congratulations by the way! Why do you still feel on the downside?
Hi! A year after dday and I feel worse than on d day! Because of: Lack of honesty from PA in relationship, staggered disclosure, withholding of information, loss if hope due to all of that. Realizing how mu h of my marriage was a lie. Partner was sober but not actively in recovery- still is in denial, still lies, still defensive.
Im sorry to hear that. I suggest you look up the first step of AA and try to have your partner apply it to his PMO addiction. I dont know if youre familiar with the twelve steps program. Most of it is applicable to PMO. Hope that helps.
Thank you for your reply
He sees a CSAT, goes to 12 step, and has a 12 step sponsor. He is still steeped deep in denial and shame-I think from an oppressively strict religious upbringing. I am compassionate to that, but the chronic lying has eroded the marriage.
I summed mine up here earlier today if you want to read it.
Have you had any better days, @Sadgirl?
Any weeks that feel like your life is going to be on track? Any times when you realize that this marriage is still where you want to be?
We've talked before with Kenzi and others that this is definitely more of a 3 year journey than a 1 year thing. I sure am glad you're now at the 365 mark and not still on Day 1. Don't despair that everything isn't roses yet. You're still on the right path, and there's room for more good things to happen. But, you should definitely have many good signs at this point. I sure hope you do.
Things only are what they are. But, when we look for good, we're more apt to find it. Like your "energy" karma statement. Many here are hoping you can keep hope alive. I believe the best chance for a wife's happiness is also served within marriage, but that's of course contingent on the fidelity and dedication of the husband.
I did the 12 step program in a place (rehabilitation center) where my counselor did not allow any missed groups unless you had an appointmen(had to have a signed doctors note). Always did random uas (sometiimes several a month). We did the 12 step program as a class in a joural, I forgot what its called, we were not allowed to write one sentence as an answer to even the simplest question. He did this so we could dig deep inside ourselves and not half ass things. Some people even switched classes becauese he did not cut any slack, like the other counselors did, I see why most of his clients have remained sober ( I am one of them). What im getting at is your partner seems not to be approaching this with the right mentality ( I could be wrong though). My counselor always said to "keep an open mind." I hope he finds his way, I truly do, I hope for the best, sorry for the late reply been busy.
Thank you for the kind and insightful words. I really appreciate it!
My husband all of a sudden seems to be rounding a bend so to speak. I think it is probably from regular therapy sessions (every 1-2 weeks) and from having a sponsor. He is working on his step one and apparently it has turned into pages and pages. Which is good. I am glad he is digging deep. But, it leaves me wondering who the hell I even married. Because there is so much I didn't know.
I married my husband for many reasons, the main 3 being that he was
3. Not "that guy" ( who was all into other chicks).
I felt safe.
And now that I realize that those 3 things haven't existed for so many years I feel like I have no clue who I married. I feel so unsafe with him it is crazy. For the first 6 months after disclosure we had so much sex-more than ever before. But with each disclosure, lie, new found info, I trusted him less. And respected him less. Now I just can't stand being near him. I hate him looking at me. He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, but all I see when I look in his eyes is the thousands of women he wedged between us. I haven't told him that I love him for at least 6 months-because I don't. I don't even know him. All the lies, secrets, resentments. He has told me that he resented our kids for years for taking my time. So instead of planning dates, finding time to be with me, and telling me he misses me, he would go to porn. I thought I was safe because I asked. But like the frog in a pot of water, our marriage was slowly being boiled alive-it was so slow that I didn't even feel it until the marriage was almost dead. I read that sex addicts are resentful. I see that now. I held onto who he was so tightly that I didn't even see who he became.
About 4 years ago I searched one of my favourite pin up models and was taken to a forum where men were chatting about women they liked to PMO to. There was one thread where a man posted a photo of a girl he liked and said he was enjoying her while his "fat wife was upstairs sleeping". I remember feeling so relieved that I was attractive and trim because my husband wouldn't need to go elsewhere. Was the universe warning me? Was my confidence part of my downfall? Now all my confidence is gone-wasted with my youth. Now I am 40 years old and realize that even at my most attractive I was the "fat wife upstairs sleeping" while my husband enjoyed thousands of women at my expense.
I have been spending way too much time on dating apps. It makes me feel good that other men want me.
Have you decided to move on?
I am undecided. We have a complicated life. My therapist encourages me to see who else is out there.
Really? Wow. I mean -- that is fine. I really do believe that the hurt/betrayed spouse 100% has the choice to end the marriage or choose to try and reconcile. (it is _not_ up to the PA)
@vxlccm Thank you. I always look forward to your insights. I am not feeling hopeful, but I do see change in my husband. He is doing his step 1 on the weekend (after almost a year of fighting SA because he "wasn't as bad" as the other guys. Well, he is the only guy in his SA meetings who refused sex with his wife for years in favour of porn. Oh denial! ). And his disclosure is coming in the next few weeks. He has dis losed a few things that he thought he "would take to his grave". I wonder what else he hasn't told me. I think I will never know.
My husband fully agrees with you! And I am 100% honest with him about what I am doing. I am not actively dating, but am not opposed to it either at some point. Right now I am just honestly enjoying the self esteem boost.
My husband pretty much says these exact words. He says that the fate of our marriage is in my hands.
I commend you for communicating to your husband.
The draw to getting a self-esteem boost -- makes sense. Be careful not to become addicted to that. Your own personal recovery is itself a process. Being strong and confident in yourself is the best goal to shoot for .. as opposed to seeking that fulfillment from someone else right away. But I understand the need / the desire for connection and assurance-from-others when there is such a gap, a deficit.
How does this statement make YOU feel?
* does it annoy you that the decision rests in your hands?
* does it scare you?
* does it feel like a burden?
* an unfair burden?
Yes of course. I completely understand where you are coming from.
It just is so hard to wrap my head around it all. My husband was actually quite emotionally abusive the 2 years (sexless) prior to me finding out about his PA. He very insiduosly insulted my appearance often. Little jabs here and there. Witheld affection. Witheld praise. Insulted my cooking, house cleaning etc. Again it was all so slow and sneaky I didn't even realize the extent if it. I just wondered why I hid. Baggy clothes. Glasses. No photos taken of myself in nearly 2 years. It all makes sense now.
But he was all I ever wanted. I only wanted to be attractive to him. No one else.
It breaks my heart that I even need to recover my self esteem because of my husband. The man who should have been my encourager. My protector. My man.