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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.
It is wonderful that you have the insights to help your husband the way that you do!
I think his insecurity about the therapist speaks of how low my husband's self esteem really is.
I read him all of your pointers and he really appreciated it. He has been gone the past couple of days but your words and DemonSemon's really seemed to make him think. It is like he is actually taking control of his recovery. Hopefully he will keep it up. I wish he could come to NoFap more as I think the community could help him. The SA meetings he attends all have men who acted out in real life, so he doesn't feel understood.
Anyhow I really appreciate your word! Thank you
He says that he has always felt like a 2 and says that I am a 10. Which really bugs me. I nwver knew how low his self esteem was.
Great insight btw!
YES. You get it. I read him your reply and it has helped. We both realize that it is me driving this healing. Not him. I can't do it for him. Ever since he read your reply and Thor's he has been more proactive and has stopped crying. It is amazing how I can let my emotions out when it isn't all about him. Kind of bizarre as I guess I didn't realize the depth of my sadness and fear. So much fear.
And great question about my exlectations or hopes in 2/4/6 months. I have been so focused on getting through each day that I haven't focused on the future. And you are 100% correct about boundaries. I need to get shit figured out. Thanks for the kick in the pants DS !
Yes I feel trapped. I guess I just feel so ugly and unwanted when he is around. He is wonderful to me now-compliments me, wants to have sex with me, but it is so difficult to forget about the 2 years of no sex and how he rejected me for P. I feel like the bottom of a list of a long, long line if women he has lusted after. So I feel gross with him. Self conscious. Ugly. But with other men I feel beautiful.
About leaving-well the lying is the worst and it is 100% why I asked him to leave. I don't feel safe with him. I mean physically I do, but emotionally I do not. I gave this man everything I am and he rejected me and lied to me for years. I don't know how to feel safe, especially when the lying continues.....
As for me leaving, I have no where to go. I have no family and I am a stay at home Mom. He has an apartment in another city so it just makes most sense for him to leave. But he refuses. I don't want a divorce. I know how horrible it would be for my kids. But I hate being in an emotionally unsafe marriage in which I feel like my husband' s garbage. *sigh*
You don't see that even though you're not technically divorced, the situation is almost as crappy as if you were anyway?
Sigh, indeed. I am not unempathetic, friend. You are outlining good desires. For emotional safety.
Lying is intolerable. Honesty is a bedrock requirement. Underneath the surface, before anything else can be built. Honesty is not in the pillars or flooring, it is the thing that the prebuild work requires on which to set anchor. You are correct there.
Compliments are surface frosting on top of what kind of life? Unsatisfying if not for a substantial well-baked cake and good chocolate ingredients!
We can't rewrite 2 years. He can't. The trick of P that he's trying to heal from is that it robbed him (and you!) of real-life experiences. This is not an uncommon experience. It is a vicious crime. Seems like life would be robbed yet further in additional separation. The other men issues we've discussed before. The grass isn't usually greener.
What do you suggest for a stop-gap healing time for the current wounds you feel? Is there nothing that he can do that you can request? Sometimes it's a negotiation. He's afraid to leave and lose you -- probably rightfully so, btw. Are there other suggestions with which it is possible to work on relationship recovery?
Oh I do. Life is complicated. A million times more so with children in the picture.
I know ❤ And I am very grateful.
I have no clue. I just don't know what to do. I feel so stuck.
After the sigh goes out.. breathe deep. Deeply. In with life and newness.
Wishing you all the best! If friends from afar all that seems real.. we really are here! Your journal helps me to appreciate the chance(s) given. I do hope you make it through. many many of us do.
Thank you so much for all of your support @vxlccm. I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas XO
Thinking of all my NoFap friends and wishing you all a Merry Christmas. I am so grateful for all of your support, insights, and vulnerability in your own posts and journals. Sending love XO
Thor, I'm normally very in sync with you, but I need to respectfully disagree partially on this. I am sensitive to this because i use all those same words to beat myself up and prove to me that I'm not serious, that I am a failure.
I think for issues not involving chemical/psychological addiction what you say is true. But for the addicted mind, we can do (repeatedly) actions that are inconsistent with our values. Things that hurt those we love. It's far too easy, and critically incorrect IMO, to then conclude we are not serious about recovery, or don't love those we hurt.
In ways I don't understand, and I'm sure are even more incomprehensible to our SOs, the addicted brain overrides the logical and caring brain and serves itself. That does NOT mean the logical and caring brain are lies or not functioning- they are just out of loop when the dopamine shows up. It is shocking to me still how thoroughy this occurrs.
I agree with you that the PA needs to be trying and concretely doing things to improve when in his "right mind." We need to do positive actions that move us forward and show our families we are in the game. Much of what you outlined is this. I am perhaps reacting to an implied point. But judging sincerity on outcomes is tricky at best, and highly likely to reach the wrong conclusion IMO.
Hope this makes sense.
And to you @Sadgirl, a Merry Christmas and peaceful days.
I guess maybe im thinking of the difference of being sorry because I got caught, sorry because there are now consequences for my actions, and actually hating an action I took and doing things to make sure it is not repeated including hating what my action has done to someone else.
THIS!!! Very well put...keeping the hate / the distain / the disgust of porn and what chaos/destruction porn has caused to our marriages and families---keeping THAT in the forefront of your mind, PAs, will greatly help our ability to combat this evil every day as we seek to recover and rebuild our relationships.
This is SSOO my wife right now....any progress/changes/glimmers of hope for you @Sadgirl since Christmas/New Years?
Yesterday was 1 year since D day.
Still can not believe that this is my life. The staggered disclosure just kept going and going and going. PA's, if you take with you one thing from my experience, I hope that it is that staggered disclosure is hell for your spouse. It does SO much damage to an already fragile relationship. It rips your spouse's heart out everytime and destroys every shred of trust and hope she clings to. It validates that you are weak and self centered and after years of you being weak and self centered, don't you think your spouse deserves more?
Spouses, in my experience, there is more, always more. PA's are expert liars who only have their best interests (staying with you!) in mind. They are terrified their spouse will leave. But it just isn't fair for us to be continually sacrificed for their needs.
I wonder if all men are like this. I crave a relationship in which I am the only woman. Where my partner's desire for me isn't watered down by the intensity of porn. A relationship in which I can be adored for me and not compared to poreless airbrushed plasticity. A relationship in which a man calls me anticipating me coming home so he can fuck me and make love to me and enjoy me all at the same time. Not a relationship in which my partner calls me to make sure that I won't come home while he sits at the computer stroking his dick to images of women (girls?) in various stages of undress and sexual exploits. Girls who were most likely trafficked or coerced into having sex on screen. Girls who didn't want to be there.
Fathers of daughters do you really understand the far reaching ramifications of what each of your "clicks" does?
I am a huge believer in energy. And visualizing what you want in life. And I can assure you- when you spend hundreds if not thousands of hours mentally seducing and enjoying othet women-you are telling the universe you don't want your wife. And the universe will respond to you.
Sorry that the whole-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth has not come out from your PA.
It seems to be more the norm than the exception with PA's I'm not alone in this boat I guess !