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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.
I've often longed to be the drug of choice. Pretty f-d up huh?
I 100% understand. ((Hugs)).
That was way more intense in my feels-area than it should've been. We've all been there and it really freaking sucks. Are you okay? Safe?
Hi, @Sadgirl. I understand. I understand you, too, @Bel.
Hmm... I wonder what it's like to FEEL truly loved. I'm pretty sure I am truly loved... I just don't feel it because it doesn't come in the language I understand ...
No idea how to solve this yet
You might want to look up the Coolidge effect. It basically says that animals, especially male animals, respond best to new partners. I don't mean to be a pessimist. The Coolidge effect is the reason that porn flourishes. Porn supplies an endless supply of available partners to our imagination. So what happens when we watch porn and move from lover to lover has a biological basis. I am not saying monogamy or a porn free life is impossible. I am saying where porn is so freely and privately available that the ability to stay away from porn is limited. That is why we need sites like NoFap. That is why we need to support each other to the hilt. That is why we need to keep at the top of our instinct driven brains all the FUCKING REASONS NOT TO DO PORN and be devoted to a real person. That is why we need internet filters, cold showers, a list of alternative activities and a deep sense of how porn affects us.
I again thank you all for making this site such an amazing resource.
How do you get by this? I will give you what is most likely a short and partial answer. Sure you need to do your own work/therapy/soul searching. There are minimal things you will need from him.
1. He must fully admit everything he did with regards to porn.
2. He must know how it affected you. Most likely he will not know the answer to this issue. You will need to explain how it affected you. He must then repeat it to you until you sense he really understands.
3. Why did he do it? I am not asking for any deep psychobabble on this one. I am asking why he did it day to day. There may be many reasons why he did it. It may be simple, " I was horny." , etc.
4. This is the most important one. Why he will not do it again. The answer to this must be based on his response to 3. So if he did it because he liked big busted women and you arent...how can he avoid repeating this?
This process may need to be repeated many times. It is not likely you will get the response you need from him the first time.
This process is brutal for both you and him.
As part of this you both must learn to be frank about your needs.
Sorry for going on and on about this. I have had to deal with this as both the offender and offendee.
@Mlooking4better - perhaps you aren’t caught up. He wasn’t fully honest, and she has decided to leave him.
@Sadgirl - are you okay? Did he leave without a fight? Are you safe? I’m so, so sorry for the recurring trauma of multiple disclosures.
I must have missed that. Did you decide to pull the trigger, @Sadgirl? I knew you were on the verge, but I didn't see anything that looked like an emphatic decision. Maybe I'm blind ...
Thank you so much for the support @Ravyn @Mlooking4better @phuck-porn! @Broken81 @Bel @Torn @WantsToBelieve
I really appreciate the support so much. Honestly I can not articulate how safe you all feel to me with your non judgement and kind support/suggestions. 5 months in now and I thought things would be easier, but the constant deceit has really shaken my footing. My husband refused to take his things to his apartment and had a mental breakdown of sorts. After his last week away we decided to put a happy face on for Christmas, for our kids. He knows where I stand, but I have small kids and no extended family support, so I need to tread lightly, especially because my husband is an emotional mess. I feel like I am in a prison of sorts, but I need to just focus on myself amd my children.
On another note, I recently asked Dr. Kevin Skinner about "pain shopping" and he was so insightful. He said that us betrayed SOs pain shop to try to make sense of the trauma amd it actually sets up OCD like behaviour in the brain
That we form neural connections from the repeated behavior in a way to establish an understanding of what happened, but that this backfires increasing anxiety. He said we will never make sense of a PAs actions and that pain shopping is futile for this reason. He recommended techniques used for OCD treatment that I will review and respond with.
Interesting about the pain shopping. I for the most part have stopped myself from rereading emails etc. It was so destructive for me and I could get caught up for hours rereading/rechecking the same things over and over!
@Sadgirl I'm so sorry you are having it so tough. It's such a hard time of the year to feel so many emotions. I know I'm struggling, I put my tree up yesterday but I just don't feel the joy I normally do. Again, I'm going to have to fake it because I have 1 extremely excited 6 year old that needs to have an amazing Christmas.
We are brave strong beautiful women and we've got this!
Ps thanks for Bloom recommendation, I signed up and am currently ploughing through the videos. Very insightful.
Take care of you and your children. Be safe.
I am regularly reading threads on this site such as this one. They have been the most powerful means of keeping me on the straight and narrow. Approaches I had tried before truly were not helpful. I feel the pain, sorrow and reality. More so I feel a a peculiarly ethereal connection with people I know only through words. The pen is mightier than...the porn?
Hi @Sadgirl. I have just read your entire journal and so much of it applies to where I stand emotionally. Oh, the lying... I may need to set up my own journal, as I don’t want to hijack yours, but I just wanted to let you know what you already know - you are not the only one. On a plus side, your husband at least tells you something. Mine will only ever admit things I produce hard evidence of. Take care and I hope maybe there will be a positive turn on your bumpy journey.
Please feel free to post whatever you would like to or need to here! And I will follow your journey as well. I am here for you. It is such a horrible predicament to be in but at least we have support XO
So I am kind of thinking that one positive thing will come of this. My first degree was heavy in psychology, sociology and sexual health, and I have wanted to get my masters degree for quite a while. I am seriously considering going further with perhaps a counselling specialization with a focus on sexual health or addiction. The last 6 months of self study then won't be for naught I suppose. Interestingly, this was the focus I had for my bachelor's so it makes even more sense now. Now I just need to get more momentum.. ..
Totally offtopic, but still:
I have heard there is a trick to that - the woman may make changes to her outlook every 40ish days so that she keeps the male interested. Never experienced it, so i can't confirm. My gf made drastic change once and I did not respond well.
EMDR day #2. I love my CSAT. I know I have said it before, but she is so wonderful and we click so well.
We chatted a lot today about my feelings for my husband. How I don't feel that I love him and have no hope for our marriage. That the constant lying has taken it's toll. That had been honest from the start, we would be in a much better place and would be healing together, instead of me healing and him still caught up in shame, guilt, and denial.
He met with a new CSAT last week and it didn't go over so well. The therapist was about the same age as my husband and HOT AS HELL. Seriously a beautiful looking man. My husband felt really insecure with the therapist because they are about the same age and because the therapist is so attractive. Husband felt like a "loser" for not having sex with me for 2 years and said the therapist seeing me made him feel worse that he neglected me for P. So then he decides that he"doesn't need therapy" and "has it all figured out". *sigh*
Back to EMDR. We focused on the fact that I have panic attacks thinking about or going into the den. Husband removed the monitor (it is giant and all I can see in that room is giant vaginas on the screen) and got rid of it. But I still can't go in that room. The layers of grief surprised me during EMDR. The first pass I could barely breathe. The second pass I burst into tears. The third I felt such sorrow. The forth I felt overwhelming futility. Usually I just feel anger, so it was amazing to have these layers pulled back.
The fact that so much of our history was a lie is just so frustrating for me. That PMO replaced our emotional and physical intimacy for so long is heartbreaking. That he still says half truths and answers in riddles and loopholes is infuriating. I never knew he could be like this. I never knew my own husband.
For the first 18 years of our relationship I felt so blessed to have him in my life. Like I didn't deserve him. Like I somehow tricked the universe into giving me an honest man instead of repeating the cycle of abuse my dad started.
I guess I got tricked.
Until Jan I will focus on my kids. Dancing. Baking. Friends. Will reassess after the holidays and until then I feel I will continue to drift away.
I could have written this part I quoted. I agree, I felt the exact same way, everything you said.
I hope all is not lost and I hope that he doesn't quit therapy just because the guy is hot. But I'm glad he gets it and feels bad that he neglected you for 2 years. But it sounds like he is still in that cycle of self-hate.