Sadgirl's journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Sadgirl, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is always so great to hear from you @SuperFan , thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
    Yeah that pretty much sums it up. I think it would be the same with a therapeutic disclosure and my husband as well-I think he would only tell at that point what he felt comfortable or safe telling me at that time with more info being given to me if and when he felt ready.

    For any PAs reading this, please know that a staggered disclosure is hell for a SO. When you disclose, GET IT ALL OUT once. Write a letter if you have to. Get all the down and dirty and shameful things out so that you and your spouse can be at ground zero together and heal from the ground up together. Tell her WHATEVER she needs to know and then don't change your story.

    My husband disclosed to me in early July. I was livid. And hurt. And so sad. But I accessed resources and started to heal. Started to feel hope. But I knew he was still lying. Then in August, another disclosure came and ripped apart the healing that I had started to do. It took me to an even lower place than I was at from the first disclosure. Once I collected myself I started the healing process again. It was so hard, but I had no choice. Then in October came another disclosure- delivered to me while I was in the parking lot waiting for my son to be finished with his martial arts. Now that parking lot is a trigger and I have a panic attack twice a week when I am there. Because that was the worst disclosure because he had lied to me repeatedly just an hour before saying that I "knew everything". Again, I started healing from a place that was even more ravaged than from the first disclosure in July. But I stuck with it. Then came another horrible disclosure just a few days ago and a few smaller ones after that. Every disclosure I not only have to deal with wrapping my head and heart around his past behaviors that he finally admitted to, but I have to deal with the near constant lying that has happened in the past 5 months. I have to wrap my head around the fact that he continues to protect himself and not his marriage vows. That whatever he has done is so heinous that he doesn't want to admit it to me and even himself. That he plays word games and lies to himself so he doesn't feel like he is lying to me. Now I have no trust in him and I doubt I ever will. His lying has torn our relationship to shreds and I just don't have the strength to care anymore. I need to move on. How, I have no clue. When I have no clue. But my heart is done with this man. PAs love your wife enough to tell her all the truth ONCE and only once. So she can decide for herself, just like you decided for yourself every time you cheated on her with your heart or even just your eyes.
     
  2. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    This is a pretty extreme measure, but I know several addicts who have done a polygraph in tandem with their disclosure, just to have a third-party verify that they've shared all their secrets and sufficiently responded to their partner's questions. If an addict knows that a polygraph is on the table, there's a bit more incentive to be truly, 100% honest from the get-go. A lot of couples have used them as a tool to help rebuild trust.

    I realize you're probably way past that point @Sadgirl. I mention it here mainly for other SO's who find themselves wanting to trust their addicted partners, but are having a hard time with it.

    I heard a quote in today's SAA meeting that seemed particularly fitting: "What addicts don't realize is that if they had to choose, their partners would prefer them to be honest over being sober."
     
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  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I have read really good things about polygraph during disclosure as well-I imagine in cases especially where an affair partner or other IRL infidelities occurred it would be really helpful. And great quote! Honesty is the most important virtue when moving forward.
     
    Bel likes this.
  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    How do I fix a broken man............
     
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  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    How do I fix a broken woman?
     
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  6. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    So sorry to hear. I would say concentrate on your own healing now and also moving on with your life.
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  7. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thanks :) I will try!
     
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  8. Stay strong, @Sadgirl. I feel so sad for what you are going through. I totally understand your position, too. Scattered disclosure is like knives stabbing in already sore wounds :( I have the same situation. I don't even know is asking my BF for a formal therapeutic disclosure would actually work, because I feel like he would lie there too. I don't think where we live anyone does lie detector testing for these kinds of purposes. I doubt he would even agree to it. For the past 8 months of his sobriety I heard him admit to an urge maybe once and a trigger outside the house also maybe once. I'm thinking, with how much he acted out in the past, and how difficult it is/was for him not to stare at women in my presence, he was triggered ONCE and had an urge ONCE (maybe twice)????? I call BS on that, therefore I still don't trust him no matter what his counter says.
     
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  9. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you for your support :)
     
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  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is infuriating! I didn't marry a liar-I feel like I don't know who my husband is sometimes. And we shouldn't have to beg for truth!
     
    Bel, TryingToHeal and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so much @Broken81. I appreciate your advice as I can be really reactive at times and make devisions that are not well thought out. Sometimes it is hard to remember how to breathe. How did our husbands get so lost?
     
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I agree, the lies are the worst! Why can't they just be honest?! Yes that was my first emdr session-it is difficult because when in pain I just want to remove the source of pain (him). Thank you for empathizing. I am sorry that you are in this boat too so to speak. :(
     
    Torn likes this.
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Hey @novibe :) Yes I fully understand! Afyer so many lies how do we trust anything? It is all so confusing. I asked my CSAT about urges as my husband also says he has none- she said it is really common for PAs or SAs to be so relieved that their acting out behaviours are out in the open that they do not feel compelled to act out again. Like the secrecy makes the addiction that much more addictive. Not sure if that makes sense ? But again it is hard to know what to believe when lied to so much :(
     
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  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @Sadgirl my husband only had 3 urges after the big Dday which was like in the first week or so post dday and after that he hasnt had urges so i think it can be normal to a degree, for my husband there was a huge relief that came with me finding out, it like freed him in a sense.
     
  15. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    If that's the case, I suspect the 'freedom' came from your husband finally coming clean about everything. The addict gets this sense of relief, like "thank God ... I don't have to keep all these secrets anymore." But for the addict who's still hiding secrets, they never quite feel that sense of freedom. They end up living with one foot in the addiction and one foot in their recovery--and unfortunately recovery won't work like that.
     
    Bel, Broken81, Torn and 5 others like this.
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This makes total sense!
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so much for sharing @AnonymousAnnaXOXO ! I caught up on your journal and it sounds like you two are in a wonderful stage of healing and love. Many blessings to you this week! I can't wait to hear details :)
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  18. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I can't believe I'm reading this now as I was about to create a thread about urges - or lack thereof! I will still create one and tag you both as I do not wish to clog up sadgirl's journal!
     
    Sadgirl likes this.
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Sounds great! And feel free to post whatever you would like here anytime!
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I wonder what it is like to be truly loved.
     

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