s9198's Journey (Started NoFap 20/09/2016)

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by S9198, Jan 14, 2017.

  1. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Last edited: Oct 28, 2017
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  2. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1 and Day 2 complete. Moving back to university tomorrow
     
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  3. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Congratulations!
     
  4. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Hi @S9198 , I just read your story. I am sorry you went through this.
    My story is very similar: I was sexually abused in the school restroom by older boys when I was 10 years old, and since then I developed SSA and addiction to gay PMO. Different than you, I stayed silent, because I felt that it was my fault ( this is what this kids told me while it happened, that I deserved it because I was a fag).
    I hide behind PMO and never told anybody. Even more, I "forgot" everything and thought that it was a bad dream, that it did not really happened.
    I was addicted to gay porn during 40 years. I also hooked up with not less than 100 guys, and hired at least 45 male escorts. I spent so much money and lose so much time !
    In the meantime, I got married and had two sons, they are grown ups now.
    Two years ago I met a famous porn star from Bel Ami, one of the most popular gay porn studios in Europe. He told me how much they are abused, forced to have sex without condoms, that the director of the studio "has the right" to have sex with them every night he wants. They they are almost all drug addcits and have pimps who keep most of the money they make. That a lot of them die before 35, due to drugs, AIDS or alcohol . I felt pity for him, but still I could not avoid to have sex with him. Although he told me he was not even gay, he was straight and had a girlfriend, and he was doing that job because his family was very poor in Hungary and he needed to support them. Still, I penetrated him, although I knew he was in pain.
    When I left that place I felt like an animal, I sat down in my car and started crying.
    One week later I found NoFap, it was May 12 th, 2015. Since the I have stayed clean .
    I recognize that I am bisexual, although I still like guys and have a couple of urges per week, I have stayed away from hook up Apps and porn. I want to honor my wife, I do not want to neglect her as I did for so long.
    I told her about my PMO addiction during my third week of reboot. She felt very disappointed , not because of the addiction but because Inhide all this from her for so many years. I have told her when we were dating that I had SSA fantasies, but I never told her that I had real sex with men. Not even now, it would be too much for her.
    I suggest that you focus now just in quitting PMO and in your therapy. You need to heal, and this is not easy. During this journey you will guess what you are and what you want. Which type of sexual life suits you. There are several "shades of gray" in sexuality, read about the Kingsley scale. It is not just straight or gay, there are several other in between an you will find out what it is good for you.
    Your trauma triggered you this cravings to b in bed with a guy, because the person who reaped you was a guy. The same to me. My fantasies are with muscled, sweaty men in sportswear, because the kids who molested me where wearing this.
    We idolized the image that humiliated us. It is kind of the Stockholm síndrome .
    I humiliated myself in front of men who matched that category like a slave. I felt that I needed to repeat the scene once and again, although I alsway felt like shit each time it finished. As you described, after five minuets of being there I wasted to leave. Hiring escorts is lime porn: it is all a big lie, nothing is real. No feelings, no love, just raw sed, like animals. This is how our addicted part of the brain reinterpret s the rape once and again.
    You need to try to heal. I have started Tai Chi when I started my reboot and it has helped me a lot. Last week I started a therapy called Energy Healing. You may try any of these alternative methods to complement your therapy with the shrink. I have done therapy for years, but he never "discovered " about my PMO addiction or about my rape. I had it closed inside my minds behind big doors, so nobody ( not even me) could remember.
    Good luck in your reboot, I hope some of this can help you
    Fercho
     
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  5. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Day 3 complete: I have been in hospital all day today as I have Pericarditis. the doctors prescribed me some meds so hopefully i'll recover soon enough. I was on snapchat about half an hour ago and saw a story of a girl giving a blowjob. I continued to watch it but exited out. I feel disappointed that I watched the snapchat story, so I deleted the snapchat app as this is potentially beginning to serve as another pathway to PMOing. will write in the blog tomorrow. Due to being admitted to hospital last night, Im going to move back to uni tomorrow morning - looking forward to it
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2017
  6. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for sharing your story with me. it really means a lot as it shows that I'm not alone in all of this. my advice to you would be for you to one day to tell your wife about your meets with men. Its the right thing to do, but it will be very hard. In regards to guessing what I am and knowing what I want: I have always known what I want, but my problem was not knowing how to get there and feeling unable to pursue girls. which is one of the many reasons why i pursued men instead; I thought to myself because its happened to me at a young age and I was aroused at the time, it must be what I actually want. But that was not the case and it will never be. I had that option of discovering who I am and what I like stolen from me and I cannot keep beating myself up for the meet ups with guys. I need to move forward as all of this only held me back and it will continue to do so. Anyway, I hope you gather the courage to tell your wife, at that time of telling her your world may feel like its falling apart, but it will begin to get better. Never lose faith. Stay strong
     
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  7. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    day 4 complete. back in uni
     
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  8. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    day 5 complete
     
  9. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

  10. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Relapsed: Reddit was the cause. I can't block the reddit website because of nofap blogs. As soon as I O'd I felt all that progress I made the past 5 days leave me. If its anything I feel right now is angry. I was supposed to go to sleep 44 minutes ago so I can wake up and start gym for the first time, but instead I chose my bad habits. Back to day zero, Its good to look forward and not dwell on it, but I feel very disappointment in myself. I thought this time round was going to be where I'd finally reach 90 days. But I realise that in order to reach this, I truly need to start on a clean slate (that doesn't mean watching snapchat stories of a girl giving oral on the third day). I pray that was my final relapse (or, my final lesson). Will write again tomorrow.
     
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  11. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Unlearned lessened will be repeated. See the movie Groundhog Day. That should be required watching for every Fapstronaut. The moral of th movie is, if you don't make changes in your life, you will repeat the same mistakes until you do.
     
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  12. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1 complete
     
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  13. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2 complete
     
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  14. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

  15. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    I just woke up from a dream where I PMO'd. I woke up founding that I O'd in real life. I'm not sure if I should reset or not, or whether my progress is affected by this dream
     
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  16. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    That was a nocturnal emission (wet dream) and since you have no control over that, you are fine. No reset.
     
  17. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    I decided that I am going to reset. I was still watching porn in the dream regardless, and that was where my orgasm came from. Day 1 starts today
     
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  18. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    You can't control that. If you had the same dream for a month, you would remain at Day 0. When you have dreams as you had, that means you are making progress! Since your conscious mind is not satisfying its desire for P, it's having to rely on your subconscious mind to get its fix. Having a WD is also the body's way of naturally expelling seminal fluids and WD's are common for many on NoFap.

    Control what you do and watch while you are awake and it will eventually carry over into your sleep.

    Don't punish yourself for events out of your control.
     
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  19. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Alright. So today will be day 3
     
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  20. S9198

    S9198 Fapstronaut

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    Day 3 complete
     
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