Rollercoaster Recovery - my up and down journey to healing

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by 1dayattatime, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. Link468

    Link468 Fapstronaut

    I’m glad your trip was good, man. What a beautiful setting for you to be able to enjoy!
     
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  2. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Ya it was awesome the stars were spectacular.
     
  3. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Today i felt stress at work. We kind of have a lot of work right now and i felt a bit overwhelmed. Im also fighting a cold so i am trying to take care of myself by getting good rest and lots of fluids. My oldest is sick as well she had a 104 fever this morning. I have noticed some urges the last couple days when i go to take a shower. I think that it has to do with feeling crappy and wanting to feel better. It was different than it used to be though. I just litterally had the thought "i feel like masturbating" and then i just told myself that i dont do that anymore and that was the end of it.

    Getting close to 70 days. It has been the best period of sobriety yet that i have had in recovery. I have definitely had longer streaks, but the joy and empowering feelings this time around are so much better! I think it is because i am mot questioning my relationship with my wife. I know that i am in it to stay and i think i am over the grieving season for PMO. It only took me two years. Another day down.
     
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  4. Link468

    Link468 Fapstronaut

    Being sick is the worst. I hope you feel better, man. I’m glad that you have noticed those internal changes within yourself this time around. You are doing so great! It has to feel good to come out of that grieving season. You’re an example to me, @1dayattatime. Thanks for being so transparent and honest in sharing your story. Have a great day!
     
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  5. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks man, i has been amazing to see your progress on this journey as well.
     
    Link468 likes this.
  6. wretched

    wretched Fapstronaut

    I am following you! Learning from and inspired by your thread. I’ll continue to read the rest throughout the day.
     
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  7. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Awesome @wretched im glad that my story helps you.

    Today was a rough day. I am sick, we had a customer audit at work and i came home and heard my wife and daughter yelling at each other from outside. Everyone has been sick this week in our household. There were many tears shed tonight in my house, probably going to be more before the night is done, maybe i will cry as well. I know that we are going to make it through this, but it is exhausting. Arguments over everything. I was hoping that i could get a nap this afternoon, but that didnt happen. So one more day til the weekend. My wife reminded me not to get polarized about this week. It is just a bad week and tomorrow is a new day.
     
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  8. Link468

    Link468 Fapstronaut

    Wow, dude! I’m sorry your week has been so rough. Sometimes when it rains, it pours. That really sucks. Good thing the weekend is coming up and you get to start over with a fresh new week. Take care of yourself the best you can. If you need to have that cry, by all means let it out. Your wife if right about it just being a bad string of days. In the grand scheme of things you are a good man who has some great things going in his life. Stay encouraged, my friend. The sun will rise on another day.
     
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  9. wretched

    wretched Fapstronaut

    We are with you. This was just a bad week. Things will be better.
     
  10. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Today was more manageable than yesterday. Everyone is still getting over this cold, but we just all piled on the couch and watched a movie tonight. It was nice. I didnt sleep very well last night. Lots of anxious thiughts. I did have one thught about a naked woman, but i let it go almost immediately. I consider this a huge sucess, in the past if i were lying awake at night like i was last night i would have fantasized and even gotten aroused. But that did not happen last night. Brains can change i suppose. 70 days today.
     
    Link468 likes this.
  11. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut


    Thanks for the encouragement man. I appreciate it!

    It feels good to know that i am not alone. Thank you.
     
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  12. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I woke up this morning feeling like i had a lot of emotiins swirling inside of my head. I was feeling not enough. I didnt want to spend the whole day like that so i went and did a meditation. That didnt do much for me this time so i decided to play guitar. I played a song i wrote last year and one that i wrote during my most recent relapse. The second song did it. The dam burst and i cried it out. It felt terrible and it felt good to let the emotions go. Here are some of the words:

    Another day, the same old pain, Is eating me up inside.
    So far away, from who i thought, I would be in my life
    Who are you?, and what have you done to that boy with big eyes
    Cuz he wiuld see, this great big world and say im gonna make you mine

    I cant stop this pain that burns inside of me
    I want to get away, i want to be free
    It hurts and it burns and it tears all the life from me
    I want to numb the pain, i want to be free

    I share this here to remind myself and any who read that our addiction is a symptom not the sickness. I hurt. and when i am able to see the hurt and care for myself in good and healthy ways, then i dont need the addiction anymore. It served a function (or rather a disfuntion) in my life, but now i am finding a new way.

    Tomorrow is a new day.
     
  13. Link468

    Link468 Fapstronaut

    There is so much truth in your words! I could not agree with you more. It’s so easy to just focus on stopping the behavior. The truth is the behavior is masking the actual pain that is there. I have to be willing to look beyond the addiction and find the hurt in my life. Only then will I be able to be free. Thank you for sharing this! And I appreciate you sharing the lyrics to your song as well. Through them you have expressed raw emotion and vulnerability.

    I hope your week is great, man!
     
  14. wretched

    wretched Fapstronaut

    "I share this here to remind myself and any who read that our addiction is a symptom not the sickness."

    Your words ring with so much truth that I can relate. Like Link468, thank you for sharing this and your song too.
     

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