Role change: If your partner caught you....

I've asked something very similar to my BF. It would hurt him like hell and there is no way he'd stay as long as I have.

 

I totally agree, that most men would leave the Sos in a hot minute if this was the case. Many men like the idea that the woman looks at porn, it turns them on. But what they fail to understand is that it’s not just looking at porn. It’s looking at porn instead of having sex with them. It’s only being able to O if she looks at porn, or thinks about porn during sex with you.

 

My husband wouldn't leave, but I think he'd finally know how it feels to be betrayed over and over and over. Who knows maybe he would leave- I guess I figure because I haven't he wouldn't but I could be wrong. I wouldn't look at that crap to begin with.

 

I dont know. I think their brains are so warped that it might not effect them the same way- unless of course you are speaking hypothetically with a version of your husband who never viewed porn habitually. I tried, without success, to ask my husband how he would feel if the situation was reversed. He said he didn't think he would care if I watched porn. I tried without success to make other analagies I'd using others to provide for my other needs- none of this was successful at getting him to understand my hurt and betrayal. Then one day after the latest relapse we were talking about how much it sucked just knowing he was lusting after another woman, ans he brought up a time from when we were first dating and an actor came on the screen and I audibly gasped (I guess, I don't really remember because I wasn't even aware of my reaction). This upset him a lot. It happened 12 years ago and he will still bring it up. I told him, yeah and I didnt even have to drop my pants and go to town on myself, and it still made you feel bad. I didn't mention the fact that I was one instance, with out even seeking anything out, obviously less of a lustful response, and none of the secrecy and lying. But the point is, I think he finally realized why and how it directly hurt me. He went kind of silent after that and he had a look on his face where I think it just clicked.


That is not to say that I dont think he was sincere in his efforts to stop before. I think he just couldnt imagine feeling like I feel before.

 

I've had this conversation with my husband countless times (trying to get empathy from him). He said he wouldn't care if it were celebrities or random men (when he was in the brain fog) and Iwas so sad. Almost two years later he said he would be very hurt and it would hit him hard, self-esteem wise.

He has also admitted that he would have left and wouldn't have stayed as long as I have.

I actually think that hurts to know.... why wouldn't he stay if I did? I guess it made me feel like his love wasn't as strong as mine. He said he isn't as strong as I am as a person... Which honestly makes sense, and I get that. I just... it just sucks sometimes.

 

I'm not sure their love is as strong as ours and that hurts to write out but I'm just being honest. I wouldn't ever put my husband what he has put me through.

 

That is part of this that baffles me. While sober, there is no way if ever do anything that I knew could hurt my husband this badly. Let alone multiple times and risk my marriage. However, I think the PA tells themselves that their partner won't find out so it wont hurt them.

 

The PA (me) thinks [thought] it is not harming the marriage. NOW I see--clearly see!--how damaging it is to my marriage: the lies, the betrayal, using my sexual energy _not_ with my wife, etc.

 

My husband said the same exactly thing, almost the same words. He didn't think it was hurting the marriage and now he sees how much damage it does.

 

I don't think my husband thought about the damage until he was found out- then he realized the extent

 

I asked my SO this and he said he would feel terrible about himself and like he wasn’t good enough. When I explained that’s how I felt he got really quiet and then said “point taken”. Why it never hit home before that moment I don’t know.

 

I actually asked my husband this last night he said he couldn't care less

 

I relate to this big time. Just filed for legal separation about a month after Dday. Not sure what the future will bring but I go between being so angry with him to feeling sorry for him and I do still love him but I need to protect myself and my daughter from this man I don't really know.

 

I’ve often thought the same thing. My boyfriend doesn’t know how much I know about his addiction. I’m afraid if I admit how much I’ve seen in his phone and his bank account that he would push me away. I did try asking him a similar question once and he said that he would be very upset about it if I did it. But yet he still continues. I keep hoping that between my hints and by being genuinely supportive of him every day that he will be able to find a way through this on his own or maybe one day open up to me and we can battle it together. As long as he doesn’t cross a line and meet another person in real life I will stand by him.

I love him more than anything, but sometimes, I literally want to beat the crap out of him so he understands the pain and anxiety that I’ve suffered from all of this.

 

Don't drop hints, they rarely get them or want to get them. I've tried it for years and it always ends in frustration and pain. Confront him calmly. You don't need to tell him how you know, just that you do.