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Road to Nofap

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Jbax, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. Jbax

    Jbax New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,
    I'm a first time Nofap poster and I'd like share a little bit about my story.

    I'm 29 this year and (I'm sure) like many of you here I grew up on porn.
    I first began masterbating around the age of 8 and the discovery of internet porn came with it around the same time. As a young boy this was an exciting and stimulating prospect, I certainly never considered it a problem and if anything perhaps a potential benefit to my life.

    About 5 years ago I realised I had a problem, after a lifetime of fairly chronic porn use I had already explored much of the weirdness and horror porn had to offer and had begun to toy with crossing over into the real world. Namely I had begun posting and responding to ads on classifieds websites, the thought of taking this sexual experience somehow into the real world was a new thrill.

    Soon after my girlfriend at the time discovered what I was doing and I was forced to admit that I was getting off on the thought of these experiences but never had any real intention of following through. I tried to stop this behaviour then but found that I couldn't and kept going back. Over the next few years this continued to come into play and eventually I was caught again by my girlfriend by which time I had decided that I had a pornography addiction which I then had to admit to her. Ultimately though this among other things led to the demise of the relationship.

    I resolved to try and stop watching porn, remove these negative habits from my life and try to become the better person I knew I could be but I was never quite able to gather enough motivation to really break the cycle. Meanwhile, I toyed with meeting strangers from the internet more and more while watching pornography in an attempt to increase the sexual thrill and arousal. This eventually became a routine part of PMO for me.

    Over the next year or so I had somewhat healthier relationships and experiences but the porn and addiction never left. It would often subside at the beginning of a new relationship only to become routine again sometime later and eventually I got into a heavier cycle of PMO again and finally crossed the barrier into the real world. I broke a seal that eventually lead to me continuing to act out my addiction in the real world with escorts, massage therapists and random strangers, both women, men and in between.
    This lead to potentially dangerous situations and actions that I'm not particularly proud of today, although I try to stay positive about the experiences I've had as I believe they have been valuable contributions to my understanding of sexuality, the world and myself.

    Sometime around this point I watched 'The Great Porn Experiment' TED talk, recommended by a friend, which really helped to open my eyes to some of what I had been going through and where it was leading me. I soon resolved to tackle my addiction with a new urgency that I felt was imperative to my survival. I managed over two months away from porn, I experienced firsthand many of the benefits of stopping but in revelling in my achievement I became complacent and soon fell back into the cycle of PMO.

    Since then it's been at least a year or two and I haven't managed another streak of that length. Each time I fall, sometimes acting out in more extreme ways than ever before, the initial shock and urgency fades, I become complacent once again and begin to feel completely indifferent as I watch my life struggle along in areas I know I can improve through this small (albeit incredibly difficult) sacrifice.

    My last relapse was several days ago and I know I simply can't continue to live like this forever. Each step I take to beating this addiction seems to only help for so long before it too fades into insignificance. Clearly there is some part of myself holding me back from a true commitment, to letting go of this part of my life and of myself forever. Well I truly want and need this to change and I'll take all the help I can get. I'm pursuing every possible avenue to help with my recovery this time and that starts right here in sharing my story with you.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'd love to hear about your experiences and thoughts regarding this addiction as well.

    J
     
  2. Jerry120

    Jerry120 Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forum bud! Thanks for sharing! It's not easy to admit addiction and you have made the first step. This forum has seen many folks make great progress on their journey to conquer their inner demons. Keep signing in and you will slowly set yourself free. One day at a time mate!
     
  3. Jbax

    Jbax New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Jerry, I appreciate the support!
     
    Jerry120 likes this.

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