Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Mindy, you are a most precious daughter of God, and the fact that you feel bad about relapsing is a proof that the Holy Spirit exists and that He is working on your heart! God truly exists and He wants to get through to you! I know how it feels to relapse (just done it yesterday again), but the Lord wants to be in your life and He has not given up on you! I really recommend that you read the little book "Steps to Christ" (http://pdf.amazingdiscoveries.org/eBooks/EGWhite/StepsToChrist.pdf). It has been helpful to many people in their Christian walk, including me. Don't give up Mindy - God loves you and He would never give up on you!
     
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  2. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone! I got my counter back... one of my APs suggested I try it out again so here I am. I’ve been doing a 30 day challenge but it just started so I’m not far into it yet.
    Been having cravings to look at P actually which is slightly unusual for me. No urges to M. Wanting to O but I’ve been craving it to be from a man. Well, that’s not an option for me at this point in my life, so I’ve got to just power through it.
    Lately been feeling low all around. Low self confidence, low energy, unmotivated, and lazy. I’m sad that I’m not loved romantically and haven’t been loved that way since probably high school.
    I’ve still not done anything to help my spiritual health besides think and talk about it. Hard to put it into action right now.
    I’ve been focusing on my fitness a lot lately, but this week I’ve not been eating well just from stress of life. It just makes me more stressed that I’m not going to meet my fitness goals in the next few weeks because of my laziness/busy schedule at the same time.

    I just feel... blah.
     
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  3. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, Mindy. That sounds really hard.

    You can do this! Also, you can PM me any time you need someone to talk to. I'm sure there are others who would respond if you reach out to them as well. We're here for you!
     
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  4. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hey Mindy, how are you doing today?
     
  5. Lucid Kazekuro

    Lucid Kazekuro Fapstronaut

    Maybe you are seeing it as just one more chore. People who accomplish greatly learn to love the process, the destination becomes just another pretty detail.

    I truly believe people who reach and commit to these forums have an untapped potential ready to be unleashed. Life will keep hitting hard no matter what, the crucial part comes in minimizing those deadly impacts, move with the flow so you reduce the momentum of the hit. Those who reached success were knocked many times but refused to stay down. There's a saying:
    The master has failed more times than the beginner even tried.

    I believe in you, give yourself some credit for your resilience.
     
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  6. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    A few people are wondering how I’m doing. Truth is, about the same.

    I gave up on my exercise plan and healthy eating for this week with a determination to just start fresh on Monday. I need a break and need to figure out a better method for me to incorporate the type of exercise and eating habits I want with NO STRESS. It needs to be natural and easy.

    I relapsed like 2 days ago or something and I’m realizing now I haven’t changed my counter! I kinda forgot I set one up again. I’ll fix that. Relapse was so stupid. I got frustrated over something for no reason. I was totally in the wrong. I think honestly I’ve just been bummer overall for awhile now and was looking for any opportunity to act out. To be honest, I totally still feel like acting out and also indulging in P. I feel so careless that I don’t even care about covering my tracks and trying to be secret. What has gotten into me?!

    All the while I am still putting on a front that everything is fine. I’m my happy, outgoing, determined, hardworking self at work, with friends, and at church. I’ve completely mastered the double life thing.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of change though. One of my friends put it this way: “I feel kind of like I'm the ocean on a beach, like I keep approaching good change and then fall back and repeat.”
    I 100% relate to that! I get so close but something happens to pull me back into my dull, unmotivated state of mind.

    I know I can’t rely on my circumstances to change. I need to act and not wait to be acted upon. We all know circumstances are always going to suck then sometimes improve and be great, then suck again, repeat. That’s just the way of life... challenge is figuring out how to respond to it all in a positive and helpful way to yourself and others.

    That’s all for now.
     
  7. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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  8. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I think we've all felt like angels with broken wings before. You're not alone, Mindy.
     
  9. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    That's the exact danger of the ocean, the riptide can drag you under any time. Not sure how to change it, but I will say this: never forsake the Church participation! That will only make things much worse. You're not a double-life person. We're ALL double-life people. We come back to repent and strengthen one another. You need that and so do the rest of us. You're not in the wrong place even if you just did something against your divine nature the night before. The risky behavior sounds like that out of control point because yeah you're wanting help. So, Church is it. It's still where we belong, all saints together. Now, as to taking the Sacrament and so forth, you know Bishop will answer all of those questions.

    Hopefully there's things elsewhere in life, well on land and away from dark waters. Is there a way to feed that good side of life, the right white wolf, as it were? Immersion helps me every time it's tried. I abandon the devices of deception that deliver any temptation for a season and do totally different things, and it changes us for a time.

    You honestly can expect to be better than this. Even if it's not here yet. It does happen. Keep right on trying. I hope when you say "about the same" you do see the distance you've already traveled. You know a lot about yourself now, more than ever before, and self-mastery is closer. Keep trying, always.
     
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  10. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    Hi

    I just wanted to commemt on my experience with regards to what you said as it may or may not be helpful.
    From my own experience being told that i was loved and actually having felt it were 2 difernt things. All my long life i was told people loved me but i never felt it. This is why I developed my addiction. It was only after i found a good therapiest i could experience the existance of love and things started changing for me.

    Hearts dont change from words, hearts change and heal with feelings.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
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  11. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    This is the Real test in life. Those whose Hearts loose Hope and buy into the despair, sink in it for ever. But those whose hearts can see the exit and hold on to the trust that they will be healed, make it out. This is why so mamy people stay in hell for ever, as they loose trust in ever walking out.

    So the direction we are internally facing is paramoint because this is where we are heading towards..... always. So it is important to fix our gaze on the beutiful and healed me picture and never ever let go of that image. It needs to be visualised and felt and experienced and brought to life with our whole being. Only then, when we give it all we have got in us to make it happen.......we will make it, as creating that image for Real requires our hearts taking a jump into the scry and unknown and this is the only way human hearts can prove their trust in God. Because only when we face our worst fears, we let go and show trust in Him ..... and this is when He catches us and delivers to the other side ...

    Faith and religion is one thing, but walking the walk for Real and in our Real life and in Real time is that counts as it shows what we our hearts are truly made of... can they trust or will they loose Hope and give up.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
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  12. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I really like this idea. The mind is a powerful tool. If I constantly remind myself of my worth and visualize a better me, eventually I’ll start to believe it and become it.
     
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  13. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I definitely think I could benefit from a giant cleanse from things that tempt me. No phones, no social media, no boys, etc. It’ll give me some time to heal.
     
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  14. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Looking for tips, suggestions, recommendations-

    1. Tips or suggestions on how to stay abstinent? It’s SO hard to not repeat intimate things once I’ve already done them. I’m still a virgin, but just barely. I don’t have much else to save for marriage but I’m still trying to hold out for my future spouse. Is the only way to avoid situations like that to avoid them completely? I am annoyed at the thought of giving up even small things like kissing, having 1 on 1 time with a guy, or even cuddling. But I do know those are gateway activities that can lead to late night escapades lol. Is there any way I can keep those seemingly simple but loving activities as part of a healthy dating life without risking crossing lines? What do y’all that are trying to stay abstinent do to help?

    2. Im looking for recommendations and suggestions for videos, books, quotes, etc that will motivate me to reach my goals. Send what you’ve got my way!

    I’m back to day 0 now after yet another “hook up” with a guy. No sex, but yeah. Stuff happened. Man it’s just so... fun. But it leaves me feeling so empty. Thoughts and feelings from the evening lingered with me til the morning causing an MO relapse.
     
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  15. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I don't think you need to give up one-on-one time or dating, but other than that... does the kissing usually lead to the sexual activity? If not then I guess it's alright, but if so, then maybe you should give that up. Same with cuddling and other intimate activities. If those things lead to crossing the line, then don't do them - just keep it to the one-on-one time, maybe a hug or two, and never in an intimate place like a bedroom. Be firm about this!

    Furthermore, make sure the guy you're with shares your values, or at least respects them. I'm NOT saying he has to be a fellow Latter-day Saint; it frankly annoys me when people insist that you shouldn't date non-members. I am saying, however, that it should be a guy who has good moral values and doesn't try to have sex (ANY kind of sex, intercourse or otherwise) just on a whim. Or, at the very least, it should be a guy who understands and respects your commitment to wait and won't try to make you change your mind.

    I hope these suggestions help.
     
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  16. HopeFaith

    HopeFaith Fapstronaut

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    Why would you like to abstain from something that is natural and pleasurble? Sex with person we care about is giving and recieving love and is connection building. The reason you feel so empty is not caused by sex but by the internal disconection from yourself probably caused by childhood trauma. If you suceed at reconecting to your body, feelings and who you truly are, your internal feelings of emptiness will be replaced by feelings of fulness.

    Without this internal reconection, the underlying feelings of emptiness will continue to drive your addictive and compulsive behavious and lead you to constantly trying to run way from them. The answer is to face what is in side of you and heal it. Then the normal activieties of meningfully connecting with other people will not result in you feeling empty, but filled up and fulfiled.

    Trust me, marrige will not change anything in this matter and the number of people who feel empty in their marrige or who avoid sexual activities with their lifelong partners is equaly high, and there is nothing worst than feeling empty when lying next to someone. This is why marriges brake with people never realising their internal feeling of emptiness is their own, long standing and a sign of their internal disconection from themselves rather than being caused by exteranl reasons, activities or other people.

    But when you succed at filling in this internal emptiness of yours with self love and self presence, then everything else in your life will become meaningful.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019
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  17. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Firstly, I do fully support your willingness to change and how you are looking for help. You shouldn't have to just swear off being with guys to keep your streak up. It'd be hard to avoid almost half of the population for a streak.

    I would suggest having a one on one with yourself. You can stare yourself down in the mirror with the full intent of talking to yourself as someone else. Set clear boundaries for yourself and always check a potential guy against them. They don't need to be requirements, but rather red flag behaviors. I know this is hard in the heat of the moment when your brain shuts off and your feelings take over, but it's a good practice.

    I would also recommend having some better defined methods of where dates are held. You can still do a 1-on-1 with a guy, but you could do that at a restaurant or a baseball game, anything that makes it so you two can enjoy each other's company while being surrounded by people who don't care too much about you.

    Dating and romance is great, and you should pursue them during a reboot, but there is a point where it goes from spending quality time with each other to just a hook up. Try to define those for yourself, and see about ideas for dating locations so you and your date are not completely alone.

    One thing I could recommend is the Gospel Topics from either the LDS website or the Gospel Library app. They could be useful to you since they also pin down specific themes.

    Although, if you want other things to look at, the emergency button is a good choice. Even if you don't pay attention to what is pulled up, pressing it over and over could sure help you out and distract you enough from resetting or having "hook ups".

    You are not a bad person for having these temptations, and you're not a bad person if you give in to them. You're a wonderful person and you're strong for not giving up. You can do this, I believe in you.

    Best of luck!
     
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  18. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hey Mindy,

    I wish I had a magic pill or a foolproof program to help you, but I don't. I do, however, have two suggestions that might help.

    First, "eat your [spiritual] vegetables", by which I mean - don't focus on what you shouldn't be doing, or don't want to do - focus on doing what is good for you. I used to be quite overweight and I always struggled with "diets" where I wouldn't be allowed to eat x y or z, but I only found success with the advice to instead of focusing on what I shouldn't eat, to focus on what I SHOULD eat - to make myself eat a certain amount of fruits and vegetables per day and not worry about the rest. Gradually I found that I was full enough from eating good things that I didn't have a desire for bad things. I think that this can be a good analogy, perhaps by focusing on healthy relationships - both platonic and romantic - and focusing on spiritual things the desire for other things may begin to be more manageable.

    The second thought is to ask the men that you are with to help you - to tell them that you don't want to go beyond a certain point, and ask them to help you do that. If they don't respect that, then you have bigger problems.

    I'll be thinking of quotes, books, etc. and see if there is anything that you might find useful. Hang in there Mindy!
     
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  19. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Stardweller1 , @HopeFaith , @Solomon435 , and @Tannhauser for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s really given me a lot to think about.
    I’ve noticed a significant increase in motivation the last 1-2 days to try again. I even cracked open a book of scripture my Church studies which I’ve not done in awhile. As for praying, for now I’ve only managed to offer quick, informal prayers in my heart here and there while driving or in the shower or something.
    I’ve been trying to listen to uplifting music too because I remember that used to really help me.
    I want to beat this, I really do. And I also want to have healthy relationships with men that are within the bounds God sets for me. I’ve asked my roommates to talk sense into me the next time I start talking about wanting to go make out with someone and they said they’d help me.
     
  20. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    The for the strength of youth book talks about lines. There's a great video about chastity and setting up personal rules a little before the lines. I will say this, maybe it's not a good sign that those dates are turning out like that in terms of who it is and their standards? Maybe you deserve better. I screwed up in this area plenty with my wife, but also dated several people and was able to completely stick to standards on my end, even when sometimes things could have gone too far.

    Overall, yeah, it does leave us feeling empty when it's not part of a marriage relationship. Keep holding on to that. It's good that you're feeling that way because that's a true and correct thing. Also, the opposite is true once you do find the right eternal companion and are properly married. You already know most other belief systems aren't really going to understand your goals. Stay careful, and learn to grow more careful. When you do have an opportunity for marriage, though, take it :)
     
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