Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    Mindy, 13 days is actually pretty good. especially under stress; it can be hard to go that long.

    As for the rest of what you wrote about... I think you might have a bit more of a testimony than you realize. Remember what Alma said? If you have no more than a particle of faith, so small that the best you can do is DESIRE to believe, that's still a starting point. All you have to do is let that desire work in you.

    Even more relevant, I think, is what Jesus Himself said in the New Testament. He said that if your faith is so small that it's comparable to no more than a grain of mustard seed, that's still enough faith to move mountains. I think you still have a testimony, even if it's buried deep, deep down and seems to be lying dormant. That may be mustard-seed sized faith, but again, read what our Savior said about that. Sometimes you just need to have faith in your own faith.

    You have faith. You have a testimony. And you will make it! I'm not giving that as an opinion!

    God bless you!
     
  2. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hi. It’s me again! Last relapse was early early Sunday morning at like 4 am. Nothing ever good comes from staying up until 4 am... this time I sexted. And also video called with the guy. Wasn’t good at all... I MOd in private tho after everything. I’ve gotta stop doing that. But since then, I’ve been good. Well, I’ve been horny tbh but haven’t done anything about it. I guess that’s the best thing to do though, just let it pass.
     
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  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hey, good to hear from you again! Sorry to hear about the relapses. Though given the last time you've relapsed you seem to have a good streak going! Great job!
     
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  4. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    We all relapse. It's part of the fight. But it's only hopeless if you give up.
     
  5. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    So, I feel as if I’m back to a place of laziness. I feel unmotivated to change. I’ve only been doing streaks of like 2-5 days, and like I’m okay with that. I’m not trying to not do it but also not intentionally doing it, I just do it when the feeling comes. I know in the spirit of nofap this isn’t the right attitude to have, but that’s just where I am right now. I justify my habits by saying, “I’m not using porn, so it’s really not something to get all bent up over and stress about.” But truth is, I sometimes do use a type of porn (sexting usually) so I really should be worried more than I am. My porn use is minimal, but technically still existent.
     
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  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I know how you feel. After a particularly nasty relapse, it's pretty hard to get a good streak going again for a while. I know how hard it is to get back to where you were, to really feel motivated to abstain again.

    It's a difficult time, but it's not permanent. I'm not quite sure how to really break out of it yet, but know that it's not gonna go on forever. Not if you really want to try.

    Again, I don't know how to break out of it. When that time comes and you're still struggling, I'll let you know.

    In the meantime, are you still praying? It's a good clue for getting out of your slump. Maybe try a different environment? I've recently started praying just before I get in the shower, and I think it does something productive.

    I'm not totally aware of your situation though, you know it better than we do. Feel free to ignore my message if you feel it doesn't help.

    Good luck!
     
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  7. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    In the Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, he talks about humans going through troughs and peaks. Troughs are described as down periods, where everything (including spirituality and motivation) is at a low point, and peaks are the opposite, where everything reaches a high point. The real danger of a trough (which is what it sounds like you're going through) is not actually being in one; that happens just as a result of being human. The danger is in falling into the trap of thinking that the trough is permanent and giving in to the dullness and dryness. The truth is, the trough is not permanent; the peak is coming. The trick is to persevere through the trough and hold on to your hope. If you get through it successfully without giving up, then you'll emerge stronger!
     
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  8. Guardian93

    Guardian93 Fapstronaut

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    Something that works for me is to find one reason to stop, just 1 reason that's important to you (there are a lot, but having at least one will help you greatly in the first 2 weeks)
     
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  9. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    All right. I think I’m getting back to a good place. Unfortunately, this new found motivation only came after some giant steps in the wrong direction and one big bad decision.
    It’s a miracle I am still “technically” a virgin, but I did get awfully close to losing that “title” last night. I had my first orgasm with a person. It was the first time I’ve ever had one that I didn’t give myself. It felt great, but I felt immediate guilt and regret after. Religious practices aside, I always pictured that experience being with someone I truly loved and was committed to, but the person I was with was just one of my friends that was in town for the evening. At least it wasn’t a complete stranger. I guess to give some context, what happened was he went down on me, and then wanted to have real sex, like the penetrating kind, but I said no. So who knows, maybe oral sex “counts” and last night I actually did lose my virginity. I just wish it didn’t happen that way looking back. But I invited the behavior and so there’s no one to blame but myself.

    Although it’s unfortunate that I let an intimate situation happen prematurely, at least it gave me the shake I needed to wake up and analyze my life and where I am going. I realized I was just not headed in the right direction. It truly is a long and slow process to real change, but I am willing to work towards it now. One day at a time.
     
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  10. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hang in there Mindy. One of my favorite quotes from Gen. Patton is "“The test of success is not what you do when you are on top. Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom.” Finding rock bottom is unfortunately part of being an addict, but it also means there is nowhere to go but up.
     
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  11. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry that this happened, Mindy, but as has been said already, dealing with an addiction means there's always a risk of hitting rock bottom. But this isn't the end. You can bounce back from this, I promise.
     
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  12. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well, as the good people above me have said, you can bounce back from this. I was a little shocked and surprised, but I know you'll come back at it much stronger!

    Good luck and take care. This must feel a little scary for you, but it'll be okay! We're here for you.
     
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  13. When God placed Adam and Eve in the garden, He commanded them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth... “ Genesis 1:28. In order to facilitate us all to follow that request to populate the earth God gives most of us an inbuilt powerful sex drive thats designed to be hard to resist. I think He also intends it to be used to bond two people who love ach other together.

    Don’t feel ashamed or guilty, you are just struggling to control something powerful God made. Instead humbly seek His advice to understand when it is helpful to abstain, and then seek the power of His holy spirit to help you abstain.

    So many of us have such high expectations for our first time having sex and I think we can feel like we’ve lost something we’ll never get back if we have sex to early. But I don’t think it works like that. When you find the right relationship and time, if it is meant to be, then sex will work as God designed it too.

    Having sex before may leave you feeling empty because you were hoping for something it cannot offer when done with a friend. But that doesn’t mean the relationship later on will be any less special when the time comes.

    As Christians we feel so much shame on this area that God didn’t intend. He made sex, made us desire it in a way that's difficult to resist. Where soceity tells us to feel shame, He simply offers forgiveness, encouragement and the power (through the holy spirit) to dust ourselves off and move on. Let the one who invented sex guide you on the right path and take away any shame.
     
  14. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely LOVE your comment. Thank you!
     
  15. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    This is beautifully put - I am sure you are right. Thanks for that!
     
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  16. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Day 1 today. It would be a miracle if I could make it even 3 days. So that’s my goal.

    I’ve been hearing a lot lately arguments supporting there is no God, no Holy Spirit, no revelation and it’s really screwing with my mind. It’s making me doubt so much. I need to hear arguments and experiences from believers, so if you’d like to share your testimony with me please message me. I could really use it.

    My spiritual unrest is a big reason PMO is still in my life.
     
  17. Beautiful_Life

    Beautiful_Life Fapstronaut

    Hi Mindy,
    I'm a Christian on my day 42. I can assure there is a God and He listens to you. If you are Catholic I would recommend you confessing your sins. It's the sacrament that helps me the most.
    I've been with PMO since I was 13, and now I'm 23. From the first time on my life I know it's possible to recover but only with God's help. I've understood that PMO was a scape for me when I wasn't feeling full, I needed something that could make me feel full. PMO was that, but the problem is that it can only give us a nice moment for a few minutes.
    The only person that can make you feel full is God, when you have Him you have love inside you, your heart burns. You don't need PMO anymore and you understand that sex is something so so incredible and valuable and that needs to be respected.
    I started trying to be closer to God, praying more, contemplating nature, reading things about Him…Now I see life with another eyes, I see all my virtues, I see how beautiful life can be when we change our perspective. I want to do many things with my life, I don't want to be a normal person that goes through life without leaving a mark.
    Go to the mirror and look yourself, smile and see how many good things you can do in life. Be someone special and do the best with your virtues, you have a lot to give!!!!!
    Don't doubt about God, He is here really. Just remember for example what happened in Fatima. He did a great miracle through Mary for everyone to believe. Thousands of people there could see and witness what happened with the sun. Atheist newspapers were there, they saw it also and reported it. God exists, you only have to find Him.
    Good luck with everything!
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019
  18. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know that must be hard to deal with.

    There are a lot of people who will give you all sorts of reasons why there cannot be a God, but speaking as a man with a college degree in history and whose father is a scientist, I have to say that to me, most of those arguments are pretty shortsighted and make way too many speculative assumptions. Many of them are based on what the person making the argument assumes people believe about God, never seeming to consider that maybe they're wrong about what He's like, or even what people believe He's like.

    But whatever; I can tell you this for myself: I know that God lives. People can say whatever they want about "proof," but God has made His reality known to me in His own way, and that's good enough for me. He is real! Jesus Christ is His Son! I have felt the cleansing and healing power of the Atonement fro myself, and seen it change the lives of others. I know that Jesus Christ came to Earth to live as a mortal human, and that He suffered and died for us, and rose from the dead the third day after. I know that through His Atonement, we can overcome any hardship - sin, sickness, heartache, grief, and even addictions. I tell you this, and wish you all blessings, in His Name, the Name of Jesus Christ, amen.
     
  19. Stardweller1

    Stardweller1 Fapstronaut

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    I also want to echo what the post before me said about confession. I know from your previous entires that, like me, you're a Latter-day Saint. If you haven't already, or even if you have, because he may need an update, I would very, VERY strongly suggest that you make an appointment and talk with your Bishop. Tell him everything, even if you're ashamed or embarrassed. I can tell you through experience that it was a great help to me when I finally found the courage to do so.

    It may be painful, especially if you've committed something serious enough to warrant Church disciplinary action. Just remember, such action - even up to and including excommunication - is ultimately designed to help you find your way back to Christ's Atonement, to aide you in repentance, and to help you escape from and abandon your sins. It can be a hard and painful step, but in the long run it will bring you closer to recovery.

    All luck and love to you!
     
  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    A testimony you say? Hm...let me think...well, I feel like it's no coincidence you asked this question with how last night went for me. I was in a real low place and I was feeling deep despair. I prayed for a way to get rid of those feelings and went to bed. I woke up with a feeling of peace inside. Even though I had a relapse last night, I woke up feeling like someone told me "It'll be okay". I think I felt that way not just for closure with my own problems but because you would ask this question. I think I've felt this to share my testimony with you.

    I've had a PMO problem since I was 11. Now that I'm trying to get out of it, I can feel God having more of an impact on what's been going on recently. I don't know if it was because of God, or because I just didn't care enough, but when my parents were seperated and there were a lot of family conflicts, both inside and outside the home, I didn't feel troubled. I certainly felt sad, but I pushed through that low and moved on, putting faith in God and my parents.

    Now, they're back together and being serious about fixing their relationship. I'd like to think that God had helped to calm my heart so much I didn't really think about it. I prayed that they would get better and to look for a solution to the problem. I guess they are now.

    The point is, I know God's real because he has blessed me and lots of other people's lives. My older brother hated the church and my Dad, but in some quick months he had repented and gone on a mission, and is now very strong in the church. Today, he and his loving and totally awesome wife is living in a condo with their healthy newborn daughter. He's really turned his life around and he was blessed because of it. I know God has given him a chance to come back to him, and he took it, and the blessings followed.

    So I just want you to know that you are not alone. He is still watching over you and he still loves you as you are a daughter of God. He knows you struggle and hears your prayers.

    If it'll make you feel better, try praying and letting it all out. Find a nice quiet place and pray, tell him about your thoughts, your feelings and the questions you have. Search the scriptures, too. If you need something direct to help you, you can turn to the Index or the Bible Dictionary. The Gospel Topics from lds.org has things that can help you out, too.

    I know you struggle, and I know the kind of feelings you're having. It's going to be okay, you are not lost

    Good luck, Mindy, and remember that God still loves you.
     
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