Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Woah. That's you? You look absolutely amazing! You look like Mallory from Studio C!

    I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. I am not a regular in Netflix myself, but I know how a media service can sometimes provide triggering things when you least expect them.

    It's a good thing you have taken the time to identify triggers. Have you begun thinking of ways to adapt to them? You can't exactly remove the urge to pee so you'll have to be creative with this one.

    I hope you can find a good guy who will love you as much as you love him. Nobody should have to be alone. Best of luck!
     
  2. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’ve not had too much of a sex drive the last few days due to my period and the busy-ness of the holidays. Also, I’ve been trying to distract myself and not focus on dating because it always just kinda makes me sad ha.
    I’ve found a lot of strength and motivation from reading my friends’ posts and threads on nofap lately, so keep posting! This is such a fun little community.
    Tonight I’m going to dinner with friends. It should be a good time!
     
  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Have fun and good luck! :)
     
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  4. CLAW59

    CLAW59 Fapstronaut

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    Wishing you the best Mindy this holiday season. :)
     
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  5. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Ok men, teach me. Teach me how to communicate with y’all because apparently being straight forward still isn’t even enough!
    Went on a date last night (first date) with someone I’ve been talking to lately. I was so excited because all our conversations up until the date were so good and meaningful- talking about work, goals, family, beliefs... and a little bit of flirting.
    Well on the date he asked me what my expectations were and what I was comfortable with (referring to anything physical) and I said “since it is a first date I’d just like to get to know you and I’m not planning on kissing or anything.” And he seemed cool with that! But by the end of the date, it’s like he wouldn’t let me leave until we kissed! So we did, and it was fine, but just not what I had in mind. I feel like everything in this world is so hyper-sexual and it drives me crazy.
     
  6. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I have to confess, the best part of being married is not ever having to worry about going on a first date. It's tough and awkward!

    That being said, guys have pretty thick skulls, and even more we have strange ways of interpreting things. "Not planning on kissing or anything" can sound like a challenge to guy who thinks he can change your plans. Maybe be even more direct - "I don't do anything physical on the first date because I want to get to know you first" would do the trick.

    Also, it's a bit disconcerting that you said he wouldn't let you leave... sounds a bit controlling? is this one of those "Baby It's Cold Outside" moments?

    But taking everything with a grain of salt - I ended up marrying the first and only woman I ever kissed, so I'm not sure what all the rules are or how it works.
     
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  7. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    I agree it definitely could be taken as a challenge, and I think that's what the guy thought. :confused: I think you shouldn't bother with being straight forward, that's not expected of you. I think trying to do that might end up causing confusion.

    Also, it seems to me that you were maybe too excited on the date? You shouldn't show that you're into someone, at least not at first. Take it slow, and be more chill y'know. Make the other person work to get to know you. I know it might seem dishonest to pretend to appear cold, but you have to. Else, guys will take you for granted and be bored of you. Definitely some guys will think that you're actually not interested in them, but those are much fewer than the guys who are gonna lose interest in pursuing you cause you seem too easy. And this applies to everyone, not just guys. We as human beings tend to want things we can't get. So you have to play hard to get. Cause else it's like you don't think you're worth fighting for, and that actually turns off guys. In my experience, girls who are very friendly with me I tend to actually find unattractive compared to girls who are act a bit more distant. There is that mystery that you want to solve. And the thing is, when you're the one working to get someone to open up to you, you get invested and you automatically get more attracted to them.

    So my advice is don't appear too excited. Treat guys you are on a date with as if they are just the current guy you're seeing. And treat them normally. I feel you're putting them on a pedestal and setting yourself up to be disappointed. Don't expect too much either. The next guy you go on a date with might be the one you get married to, but be honest, what are the chances of that? Taking every date too seriously will actually hurt your chances of getting into a relationship. Instead you have to be more casual about it, don't take it too seriously, it's just a date, that's all. And that will actually help your chances. It is paradoxical, I know, but that's how things work. So just take it easy and enjoy yourself, and if things go really well, that's a nice surprise. If they don't, well you expected that. It's okay to keep your hopes high, but keep your expectations low.

    And if another guy asks like this one did what your expectations are, don't get into specifics. You have no reason to spell out what you don't want to do. Just say something vague like "Let's see." or act a bit irritated and say something like "Slow down, we've just met." You need to put yourself forward as someone who will only get physical after quite a while. Maybe some guys will just reject you for that. That actually works in your favour, those guys just wanted a physical thing and not anything meaningful.

    Hope this helps!
     
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  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well...I'm not really sure what I could offer up. I'm a guy and yet it feels like I don't even know how other men act. Well, I'll still give it my best.

    From what I can tell, I think it might be a case of miscommunication, as a best case scenario. It happens all the time in relationships. I think you two just had a different understanding of what "not planning on kissing meant", you meant not at all, and I'm not sure what he thought it meant.

    Worst case scenario is that his goal for the first date was not just to get to know each other, and may not be someone who would respect your wishes.

    That's my take on it, I could be wrong, there are thousands of reasons for what happened. The human mind is so complex and profound I really can't profile this one person's ideas and mental patterns.

    Well, I'm sure talking to him about how you feel could help out.

    Sorry for the less than ideal date. I hope future ones are better.

    Good luck. :)
     
  9. CLAW59

    CLAW59 Fapstronaut

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    I say ditch the guy. If he doesn't want to respect the boundaries you set, then set him loose. I know because I was like him when I was young. Yes, at the end of the day it's all about the physical. At this stage, you make the rules and you set the tone for what is to come. If you want a good man who is interested in sex as the last priority, draw the lines and don't compromise yourself.
     
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  10. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    @Tannhauser @Solomon435 @Truegamer007 @CLAW59 thanks for your responses! It’s clear that men and women are just... different. And even though “playing the game” is annoying, it is sort of necessary at times.
    Merry Christmas to y’all and all my other friends here!
     
  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Merry Christmas!
     
  12. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I love being with family during Christmas time! I travelled to Oklahoma and so did most of my siblings and their families. It’s been a full house at my parents home! It’s not QUITE home since Oklahoma isn’t where I grew up, but I still like it here. It actually has a similar feel to Idaho where I’m from. It’s all the farming I guess haha.
    Anyway, here is a good thing- I've managed to stay away from things at my parents home that have triggered me in the past while I’ve been visiting! Good for me!
    This just seems gross but there are certain “household items/things” that can be found at my parents house that I’ve abused in the past for pleasure, and now when I see them or have access to them I can’t help but remember everything I’ve done with them and my brain tries to make me do those things again. Some things are more harmless than others, but other things are really twisted and I’m ashamed I let myself get into such WEIRD stuff. Anyway...
    I fly back to Utah tomorrow evening. It’s been a much needed vacation from work, let me tell you. I got physically ill last week just from overworking myself. I can’t wait until my other dietitian coworkers come back from maternity leave to help with the workload!
    I’m not sure the last time I PMO but I know it wasn’t that long ago, probably like 2 weeks ago? I guess I could go back through my posts. I’ve not had any super intense cravings, but I have been wanting to be intimate with a man. That’s just a constant thing though so I need to continually learn how to deal with that. Today I’ve been having a tiny bit of desire to look at P, but I really don’t want to repeat what happened last time. I don’t want to risk being caught, but that’s not my only motivation to not look. I genuinely know I don’t want it and that it’s just my hormones going crazy and my brain trying to get some sort of dopamine kick. I’ll be fine. I just need to stay distracted with family, playing games and baking treats etc. All thoughts eventually fade away. Just because I think something doesn’t mean it defines me.
    I hope everyone has had a very Merry Christmas!
     
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  13. captainteemo

    captainteemo Fapstronaut

    I think it is not right that he is forcing you to kiss because you already told him in the begin.

    Try to set standards specially the first dates don't be 2 easy and let everething slip like he whants!!

    Best of luck on your journey and merry christmass to all here:)
     
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  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well, I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful time. It does feel good when you are with your family. It sounds like you really needed the break!

    I totally understand where you come from with recognizing items that helped you be adventurous. I often do that myself and it's weird. >.<

    Good job with resisting urges. Keep it up!
     
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  15. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’m glad I’m not alone in that. P is weird and really messes people up. I’m so ashamed of some of the things I’ve done or looked at. Borderline illegal! Yikes!!! Hope no one judges here....
    We are all just trying to get better!
     
  16. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately I slipped up my last evening in Oklahoma on Christmas night. I realized something though.
    In trying to figure out how to navigate my sexuality, control it, respect it, I’ve become so relaxed with it. In a way, it’s been helpful for me to not add so much weight to the problem because for 9 years I have tortured myself terribly with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, depression, etc. I believe I’ve been way too hard on myself. In an effort to be kind to myself, I’ve taken the mentality of “try your best but it’s not the end of the world to MO and certainly not the worst thing you could be doing. At least you aren’t addicted to P.” So I’ve let myself be really relaxed and haven’t put ENOUGH weight to the problem at hand. I used to think masturbating would guarantee me residency in Hell, but now I feel like it’s not necessarily a damning sin. (Well, sin is sin and no unclean thing can enter heaven...) Point is, when I viewed MO equivalent to murder, I think I tried harder (but also worried so much I was miserable all the time). I feel more at peace now, but don’t try hard ENOUGH. Is this just a matter (yet again) of finding balance in life? Not favoring one extreme? I feel like the most common piece of advice I hear is “moderation in all things, balance is key” but actually achieving that perfect balance and maintaining it is an entire different story...
     
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  17. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I've also thought about that. I guess the balance is up to you. The same "balance" can't be the same for everyone. I guess what they mean is to take a look at where you are now and find your way out of it.

    Of course, I'm still recovering myself. I don't even know what that means. I don't think I've heard anyone use the phrase "total balance" on here before.

    I guess, if I knew anything, it would be a good idea to take things one day at a time. Fight against the urges but don't beat yourself up too bad if you relapse. It's bad to fall again, but it's worse to bring yourself down as if you conjured murder, as you said.

    ...Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about. I think this is something I'll have to figure out myself as well. Sorry.
     
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  18. SolitaryScribe

    SolitaryScribe Fapstronaut

    Question. What is sin?
     
  19. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    With regards to this (how seriously should I look at my PMO problem), I found great help in The Art of Manliness/The Last Psychiatrist's viewpoint - that damning ourselves doesn't help and that we should look at MO as its, a bad habit. Junk food. (I would link to the article itself but am getting internal server errors).

    When I started thinking of it this way, it became easier and clearer to change. The methods for change I went about were the same as any other habit change (and what this community talks about a lot :) ): identifying triggers, changing reactions to triggers, living healthfully so the bad habit isn't needed, etc.

    If it's viewed as a habit, the question can be asked. What do I gain from this? Is it negatively impacting my life? I considered the use of MO without porn at many points, but I ultimately decided that it wasn't worth it for me. 1) because of the guilt I would feel and couldn't get rid of, 2) because of the noticeable decrease in energy, 3) because of how I knew it was affecting my chances of forming a real relationship. Now it's a compounding effect. Since I've gotten good results from no PMO, when I'm faced with the temptation to fap, it's not a gargantuan spiritual struggle, it's a matter of "yeah, I could do this, but why would I want to go back on all the progress I've made?" That feels real to me.
     
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  20. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I understand it as anything contrary to God’s commandments. So, it could be straight up choosing something God deems as wrong (choosing to lie, choosing to fap, choosing to steal) or it could be anything you don’t do, that you should do AKA sin of omission (choosing not to pray, choosing not to serve others more, choosing not to forgive). Does that make sense? That’s how I understand it at least. The point I was trying to make was regardless of how serious or not serious the sin might be (murder is obviously a worse sin than lying), it’s all kinda the same in God’s eyes. Kinda. Any sin not repented of is a roadblock and stands in the way of living with God again. That’s just kinda how I’ve been taught from my parents and from church, but could be way off...
     
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