Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Better Than This

    Better Than This Fapstronaut

    Thats ok. It happens when we least expect it. Just remember to be vigilant, and shoot for 3 weeks this time. You can do it - you are strong, and like each time we fall, we get up stronger and learn what to do better next time.
     
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  2. Poor Yorick

    Poor Yorick Fapstronaut

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    Good that you're able to separate the "battle" from the "war," per say. If you can still recognize your progress, that's a great thing. It takes a long time to make any worthwhile change.
     
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  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Lucky that you're able to control your drive better, I'm still working on mine though. Ick.

    A relapse after two weeks is unfortunate, but I'm happy to hear you haven't given up.

    And it's good to see some of the positive things about your abstinence. You do sound a lot happier than when you completely gave in to PMO multiple times a day.

    Good luck on your next streak! :)
     
  4. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Been good w no urges for about a week now. Started going out with a new guy that I met at a Halloween party. He’s not my “type” but I’m keeping an open mind. However, we may have different beliefs and standards which always seems to complicate things. He seems a little more open to exploring physically, but I’m trying to cut that out of my life. I’m trying not to dwell too much on him and focus on myself for now.
    I’ve already gotten out of the habit of praying and reading scriptures and other books unfortunately since I redownloaded some social media. Social media is just as addictive to me as MO!
    Oh, one other victory for me. On that fitness app I use, a guy tried sending me inappropriate pics but I said no even though I kinda wanted to see... I think I need to delete that app even though it’s been helpful for my fitness goals. It’s just too unsafe there.
     
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  5. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Been reading a book about mindfulness that I got at the library. Something that stuck out to me was that we use our logical minds too much. We too often view everything as a problem. For example, let’s say I want to be a different person or want to change something about myself. My mind sees person A (me right now) and person B (person I want to be) and sees the gap between the two and can’t help but figure out how to make that gap smaller. Just like if we needed to get somewhere, our logical minds would figure out the route to get from point a to point b. Well, I learned from this book that sometimes we create problems that don’t actually exist. Just because we think something, doesn’t mean that is reality. Thoughts are just thoughts, coming and going. Rather than using our doing minds, we should focus more on “being”. And we might just realize there wasn’t a problem to be solved in the first place. I still have a lot to read in this book so I’ll post updates of things I learn!
     
  6. SolitaryScribe

    SolitaryScribe Fapstronaut

    One of the greatest spiritual disciplines is to learn how to ignore your thoughts. We don't get anywhere by listening to what's happening in our minds, we only excel when we learn to listen to what's happening with our hearts.
     
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  7. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I've been missing some of your posts so I had to take a moment to catch up. Your doing pretty great! I'm sorry you've been having problems on your fitness app. Is there a way to block or report them?

    The book sounds interesting, I'll have to give it a shot myself. Good luck and take care!
     
  8. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    That's awesome @Mindy ! What is the title of the book, if you don't mind sharing?
     
  9. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’ll get back to you on that. I think it’s just called “mindfulness” but let me look at the book when I have it with me.
     
  10. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’ve taken a few steps back lately. I got intimate with a guy the other night which led to a “sexy” dream that night, which led to MO in the morning, which led to a small binge, which led to looking at P :(
    I haven’t looked at P in forever but I did and my phone is set up in a way that I can’t erase any search history so that was really dumb of me to look stuff up. Now if someone ever is looking at my phone while I’m in my internet browser my recent searches will pop up and they will see. So dumb. All of it.
    I’ve been kinder to myself when it comes to MO but P is completely unexceptable. I did not handle my sexual energy well at all.
    I want to try this whole mindfulness thing and think more about how I feel, the sensations around me, what I want, and let my thoughts and feelings come and go instead of instantly acting and using that “doing” mind of mine to solve a problem I think I have, like the need to fulfill my sexual desire NOW. If I would just take a moment to think before doing, I believe I’d realize there isn’t really a problem at all and that I don’t need to act instantly all the time. Patience is a virtue.
    Also feeling a deep desire to reevaluate my beliefs. I feel unsure about my religion and I need to know if it’s a good fit for me. I’m determined to do what I need to to feel a connection with God and ask Him for direction.
    Handling sexual energy and becoming spiritually sound are my two biggest goals right now.
     
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  11. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    Keep one thing in mind, if you feel confused and you need time to think, be sure to take as much time as possible, if you keep going at it with half-hearted attempts you'll not progress at all. So even if in the short term it seems counter-productive to take it easy and take some time to think and re-evaluate everything, in the long run, it will be very beneficial.
     
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  12. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Oh @Mindy I am so sorry to hear your are struggling right now. It seems everybody is right now :( All four of my Accountability partners relapsed this week, and I have been struggling myself. Maybe it's the holiday's?

    Hang in there. I believe in you.
     
  13. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    That's a great deal of difficulty to stop and think. Your mind is racing and going so fast it's hard to catch it! Knowing you though it won't be long until you find the answer to your problem.

    As for questioning religion, I'd say to go for it. As an LDS member myself I know how unlikely it seems that our beliefs really help, so I guess you won't be alone with this. However, from what I gather from many conference talks and lessons you are about to embark on what is known as a spiritual journey. It seems scary, but it looks like a great testimony builder, even if you don't end up staying in the church.

    Good luck and remember to take care! I'll be rooting for you. :)
     
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  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well, that and almost every prophet ever says to never just mindlessly consume all we head at face value and just leave it there. That's why we're told to ponder almost everything. :p
     
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  15. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I suppose this isn’t the right place to really vent this, because this journal is for PMO, but it’s also just become my regular daily journal in a way. So here goes.

    I had a dream last night about my ex boyfriend and it was horrible. The dream was about me being stuck hanging out with him and his new fiancé while the planned their wedding together and we all lovey dovey. And I just had to watch... and my ex gave no thought toward how I might be feeling. And I tried talked to the new girl to warn her and tell her about how he cheated on her with me (true story guys) but she wouldn’t listen to me. She just thought I was trying to sabotage their perfect relationship. I didn’t like that I was mistreated and misunderstood in my intentions. I also at the same time didn’t like that my ex was marrying someone else and not me when I always thought it would be me and always wanted it to be me. But he never saw that for us, not once. I woke up feeling the weight of that heartbreak all over again. The same heartbreak that has sent me into a year + depression. Today I can’t shake the feeling and the thoughts of him with another girl. It’s so hard! I feel miserable.
     
  16. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    You post what you feel is comfortable. This is more of a personal journal than a PMO journal.

    I'm sorry you've remembered these feelings, but if you've moved on from them once you can do it again, right?

    Don't forget that if you need to talk to someone we are more than happy to help. In fact, you can PM me if you wanted to. We all want to help you and be a shoulder for you.

    So good luck, and take care.
     
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  17. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I kind of wonder if I have ever really moved on though... I’ve done a great job at distracting myself and talking myself out of wanting him, but if he came to me tomorrow and wanted to make things work, would try again??? I have no idea.
    Yesterday I read more in the mindfulness book and it helped me focus on the present instead of my ex.
     
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  18. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I went to a 90 minute group meditation event tonight. It was enlightening, but also a little too much for me. I’m not quite in the state of mind/situation as some of the people that were there. A lot of them have dedicated their lives to this holistic and peaceful lifestyle, but I’m not in a place where I could give up my current lifestyle for that. I need to make money and pay bills even if I don’t love my job haha. Still a cool experience.
    I’ve been meditating daily for 10 minutes and practicing mindfulness activities daily. It helps me feel so much more aware and grounded. I’ve had sexual thoughts but no real urge to act on them so that is good. I just let the thoughts come and go.
     

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