Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I had a really off day. Many of you have heard me talk about my ex boyfriend. He was a big trigger and problem for me for a loooong time (too long). I found out today he got engaged, and it has made me feel so weird all day. Part of me wants to laugh, and the other part wants to cry.
    He’s a mess thought and I would never ever want to be with him, yet I can’t help but wonder why I was never good enough for him at the same time. I feel so weird. I want his happiness but I also want him to feel miserable... because he sucks and deserves it haha. Ok, now I’m just being cruel.
    The reason I bring this up is because it’s put me in a really strange mood and it’s also caused me to remember a lot of crap from my past. All these feelings and thoughts have the ability to really bring me down if I’m not careful. I know just feeling it and not trying to cover it up or run away is probably the best option, but I don’t want to have to think about stuff I’ve buried and deal with it... but I know I need to deal with these feelings and my anger and sadness towards him and work toward forgiveness. Forgiving him and forgiving myself. This is totally a personal thing and I won’t bring him into it at all... just something that needs to get figured out so I can move on from it all. Ugh.
     
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  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I'd like to think it wasn't that there was something wrong with you just yet. Maybe it's just that he was looking for something else. Don't take it too hard. :)

    I don't think I've felt what you've been feeling, but it sounds really tough. I'm sorry you have to feel those feelings.

    I hope you get better soon. :)
     
  3. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Weird things keep happening... I had an unusual dream. I don’t remember much except for I know I MOd in my dream. I feel like I’ve had a little increase in urges and weird things keep happening that trigger me. Like waking up at 3 am, or having weird dreams. I wonder why these unusual things are happening.
     
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  4. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    These might be a little scary, but know that it'll all be okay.

    Best of luck! :)
     
  5. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Don't worry Mindy - I had a similar experience recently. In my case, that particular dream even culminated in a real orgasm, which really estranged me. But our minds have been occupied with these things after all.
     
  6. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’m on day 44 now!
    I think I O’d in my sleep last night from a dream which has never ever happened to me before. No touching or anything- just a dream. So that was different. As for now, I don’t feel like chasing after that feeling again so that’s good. It was like a nice little treat ha but I’m going to keep moving forward. It would be so cool to make it to 50 days...
     
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  7. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    And you're only 6 days away from 50 days! Well done!
     
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  8. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Isn’t that crazy?! Like... I’ve only ever been able to go 10-14 days at a time! This just all seems so unreal and too good to be true to me!
     
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  9. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I can't wait to see you make it to 50 days, that's gonna be so cool! :D
     
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  10. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Well done Mindy! I can only dream of 50 days right now...
     
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  11. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Man, another sexual dream last night! This time it wasn’t PMO related. Basically it was a sex dream about someone I know hah. To put it bluntly. It’s just WEIRD because I never ever have dreams like this. Usually my dreams are scary or depressing or stressful... these ones have been... nice ha. Is this part of the rebooting process? Like, anyone else experiencing anything like this?
    I need to be SO careful not to let thoughts linger from dreams. They could so easily destroy me and this unusual and almost too good to be true streak of mine... still cannot believe I’m at 45 days. LIKE HOW. I’m just waiting for when I wake up from the dream that is my life right now only to realize I’m actually on like day 2. Ha. This is so unreal. I can’t say it enough.

    Ok, one more thing. I have a date Friday with a cutie I met on a road trip last weekend. We MAY have already kissed even though we just met hahaha (living it up in my 20s baby) but I am a bit nervous about the date. I really don’t want anything bad to happen. I’m saying this here because I feel like if my friends here know, I am more likely to be good because now I have to be accountable to y’all and let you know how it went. Fingers crossed he is a decent guy and doesn’t try anything crazy... and fingers crossed my heart and mind are in the right place to make good decisions!
     
  12. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    45 days. I made it 45 days... and I relapsed with MO :(
    It happened late last night and again early this morning. I don’t know what happened! It just... happened! I can honestly tell you though that even though it felt good, it sucked. Like, I forgot how miserable it can make a person. Such a vile and carnal thing. Makes me sick. I wish I didn’t relapse, but in a way I’m glad I kind of did because it reminded me how much I hate it and don’t want it in my life. That momentary pleasure does not compare at all to the joy I get from living a fulfilling and meaningful life. One free of PMO!
    I don’t even care that I’m at day 1 again to be honest though. I have changed so much in these last 45 days and have proven to myself that I’m capable of doing the impossible. But, let me put credit where credit is due and say I couldn’t have done it without God.
    I’m so excited to keep trying!
     
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  13. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Oh Mindy, I can so relate! I also relapsed again this morning. It's been happening every couple days this past week. Indeed it feels good, yet it sucks. I don't want to make God unhappy, and I know I'm only harming myself by this behaviour. But how to break that vicious cycle? It's only by God's grace that we can overcome. But he needs us as collaborators with Him. Everything depends on the right action of the will. So easily said - but so hard to act on it! But the Lord will see us through. He has better plans for us Mindy - He has better things in mind for us than the fleeting joy of an orgasm, which would be so much nicer anyway with the right man at our side!
     
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  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hey Mindy.

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. You've done a pretty good job but now's the time to rise from the ashes! I know what it's like to relapse after a long time. Indeed, it does feel good, but at that point you know you're doing a good job of beating this addiction.

    Get up again. You can do it!
     
  15. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Sometimes I think that the "day counter" method of tracking things is a bit off. After all, somebody who has PMO'd daily for years and has been clean for a week, and somebody who has been clean for 300 days and then relapsed a week ago have the same number. I've toyed with the idea of creating a system where somebody could track an average number of times over say the last six or twelve months. That way a relapse doesn't set you back to zero, it just increases your average number.

    Anyway, I'm sad for your loss but I'm happy for your progress and proud of your attitude. Good for you! Now just stay strong (especially with your upcoming date!)
     
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  16. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    I feel the same way. But I believe that instead of a counter, we must realise ourselves that PMO is just an overall bad thing for all of us. It makes every other life experience worse. I've literally had food taste bad after a relapse. I don't think the point should be to reach a certain number of days, cause how long you gonna keep counting? And then when you relapse, the counter that helped you all this time, is gonna hurt you. I fell from 200 days to 0 months ago and only now I have began to recover from it in some little way.

    Why do we do NoFap? Everyone has different reasons, but I think what is common is that we want to lead a better life. And PMO just makes life worse and centred around it. That is why you mustn't fap, cause it's a choice between PMO and literally everything else. And nothing or no one is worth everything else.

    So whenever we relapse, I think we must just do our best to pick ourselves up and continue. And then when the inevitable after effects of relapse hit, we'll realise the whole truth of what we lost when we made the decision to relapse.
     
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  17. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    Don't focus on your counter Mindy, I was afraid you were heading for this after seeing a few of your last posts. The point is not to build up a streak, it's to have a better life. Only when you can stop caring about your streak and focus on not fapping for the right reasons, then can you truly say you are on NoFap.

    But no issues, just forget that you relapsed and continue onwards. There will be some trouble cause of the chaser effect, so take care, but just be sure you don't give more mindspace to thinking of PMO than you need to.
     
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  18. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Lately, I’ve been feeling very “in the mood.” I don’t necessarily have the urge to MO or PMO, but rather, I am craving intimacy with a guy. So, idk if that’s progress? This is so dangerous for me though because I really really can’t fall back into sexual behavior with men. The abstinent life is TOUGH. Gosh, last night I had that same guy I went on a date with recently over for dinner and he also helped me build a nightstand for my bedroom. I just.... couldn’t help myself. He is so attractive ha. We got physical but we both stopped it before it went too far. But now I want moooore. I told him tho it’s best we stop seeing each other unless it’s in a group with friends and he was on the same page. I think the only thing I can do now is ride out these feelings until they pass and focus on my goals.
     
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  19. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hah. I just got a notification on my phone from one of my apps that said “you are expected to ovulate today.” Well now it makes sense why I am feeling so frisky lol. I’m sure I’ll be fine if I wait it out for a few days and stay busy.
     
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  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    That's so sweet! Yes, I also think it would be a good idea to be together in a crowd, you know? You're not letting this get the better of you though, so that's pretty good!

    Yeah, that would explain it. I hope you can stick it out. Good luck and take care! :)
     
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