Road to CHANGE- Mindy’s Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Mindy, Dec 30, 2017.

  1. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone! I’m Mindy and I have a fapping problem. It’s been with me for 8.5 years now.

    I have another journal that got way too long that recaps the last 5 months of rebooting for me. Here is the link: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/ready-to-fight-my-rebooting-journal.121232/

    Basically, I started Ming when I was 16. Gradually curiosity overcame me and I viewed some super soft porn which eventually advanced into the real deal, but honestly I can’t even remember the last time I looked at P and I’ve only seen it a few times in my life. It just doesn’t interest me, and I’m so grateful for that. So my real issues are MO but I’ll probably refer to it at PMO here just because.

    The new year is approaching and I just want to start new and leave old things behind. No more PMO. No more holding on to past relationships/boyfriends. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more negativity.

    The past is to be learned from, not lived in.

    So.... here we go. I’m ready for change.
     
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  2. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    Yay Mindy! You can do it! :)
     
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  3. DodgyJammer

    DodgyJammer Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely right on.

    Stay strong Mindy. Happy new year!
     
  4. StraightEdge3616

    StraightEdge3616 Fapstronaut

    Keep staying strong Mindy, you can do this!
     
  5. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’m going to start this guy off with a rant about relationships... enjoy haha.

    It bothers me when people say I deserve better. First of all, deserve is a risky word to use. I think everyone is has a right to be treated and seen like a human and a right to complete fidelity. Those things are deserved in my opinion. Other than that though, I think what people are really meaning is “you tolerate too much and you should actually only tolerate this much” or “your standard of treatment should actually be this...” when they look at someone’s relationship and disapprove of it.

    I appreciate that I have friends that want the best for me, but the way I see it is some people just have different “standards of treatment” or can tolerate more or less than someone else and THAT IS OKAY. For one woman, maybe she can tolerate her husband cheating on her. Maybe they can work through it. For me, I’m not sure I could tolerate that and I would probably leave the relationship. In that case though I really would say “you deserve better” would be fine to say haha. Here is another example- For me, I can tolerate boys I date having “issues” like a porn addiction or something (because I understand! But most wouldn’t know that about me), but other women might “draw the line” at that point. It might be easy for someone to look at me and say “you don’t want that in your relationship. You deserve better.” When what I think they are meaning is “you shouldn’t tolerate that (because my experience tells me I shouldn’t tolerate something like that)”. What I’m trying to say is, we are all different. What I would also like to say is I think it’s important we have an open mind and listen to what our loved ones say. They sometimes can see things that maybe you can’t... and you might find that you want to change what you are willing and not willing to tolerate. I’ve done that recently actually. I no longer will tolerate any sexting, secret rendezvous, or late night hook ups.
    But also, to people who find themselves telling others “they deserve better”, try to understand them better before saying that. You aren’t in that relationship so you really don’t know the whole story. Be accepting if their standard of treatment is different than yours (as long as no one is being harmed of course).

    Okay, rant over.

    Urges were strong this morning but I reminded myself of all of you and how I just started this journal and really want to have at least one day down in the books. It’s the new year (almost) and I don’t want to start it off wrong! I’ve been feeling sad because today is the one year anniversary of my ex and I meeting and oh boy it makes me miss him and us. I’m doing okay though :)
     
  6. KurtCog

    KurtCog Fapstronaut

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    It is great that you are starting over. I am happy for you.

    However, I really disagree with what was said about people telling you that you deserve better. Relationships and the aspect of creating children is much different from having friendships and treating people with dignity and respect. Choosing a partner always has to do with survival of your genes in the gene pool and nothing else. There it stand to reason that the quality of the partner one chooses in an important aspect relative to the partner one can possibly attract.

    Are you familiar with Evolutionary Psychology?
    I would really like to hear your opinion on this.

    Kurt.
     
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  7. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I’m not particularly familiar with that term. Do you have a link or something I can follow to read about it?

    You’re right though. It’s a serious decision and I think the most important of my life.
     
  8. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    That's a very interesting way to think about it. I guess you're right, people are different about what they can or cannot tolerate. I've observed and experienced some of this myself. People have different limits of how far they'll let something go. Either extreme is bad IMO, expecting perfection is just as bad as accepting anything and everything.
     
    Mindy likes this.
  9. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    lol. I have a problem with the word too. In my understanding, nobody 'deserves' anything better than hell. Everything that we receive that is better than that is a mercy. When people talk about deserving a person who will treat them right, it makes my oatmeal want to hit the wall. I have some little sisters, and I hope they find someone who treats them well. God knows they don't deserve it, though...
     
  10. StraightEdge3616

    StraightEdge3616 Fapstronaut

    Stay strong Mindy, we are here to support you.
     
    Enid and Mindy like this.
  11. Risky may it be, people do deserve certain things. They deserve to be free from relationships that are emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive. And they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect because imho if I don’t treat people to kindness and respect, not only do I sin against them but more importantly I am disrespecting and sinning against God. I appreciate that know you know your boundaries, Mindy. Happy New Year!
     
  12. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    I wanted to start the new year off right and this new journal, but the chaser effect got to me combined with pathetic feelings of heartbroken-ness. So yeah, right from the beginning of the day I slipped up.

    Honestly I really feel like isolating myself. Part of it is because I’m with my parents right now. They want to know why I am sad and stressed all the time but I don’t want to share anything with them. I just wanna be alone. I don’t know why, but I’ve never felt like my parents are my friends. I see them as my parents. Providers and nurturers, but not friends. They just aren’t very relatable. I’d rather talk to a peer about my emotions and problems.

    It stresses me out being with them sometimes... and I think that has definitely contributed to my acting out these last two weeks.
     
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  13. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    I think I would just about rather toss myself in a volcano then discuss PM with my parents.

    Sorry you're hurting rn. Feeling low is a real trigger. Don't worry about the whole year thing. Maybe see if you have what it takes for 7 days.
     
  14. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Maybe the last day one of my life...? ;)
    Today honestly I had no struggles with PMO. Just weird feelings of wanting to isolate myself from my parents. And crazy missing my ex still.

    To all my female friends out there- have you ever had that feeling that your man or ex is interested in someone else or seeing someone else? Even though you have no proof? I swear that hunch is like a superpower or something... I have no proof but I can just TELL that my ex is talking with someone else or seeing someone else. I mean, that’s fine, because he’s not my boyfriend... but it still stings.
     
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  15. I know this is easier said then done but girl, try to forget him! If he didn’t realize what an amazing young woman you are than he’s not worth your time. I don’t get that feeling but I think I’m also isolated from that because I’m married. Keep your head up Mindy! Great job getting to day 1!
     
  16. MajorTom

    MajorTom Fapstronaut

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    Hahaha we ALWAYS know @MajorTom ;)
     
  18. Robbiebob

    Robbiebob Fapstronaut

    Mindy... I have been viewing your posts from time to time & frankly I haven't responded because I'm somewhat self conscious about how would you feel about a 54yr old guy responding...
    But let's sit down like a father talking to her daughter.... In 1981 I have had my 1St ever girlfriend her name was Debbie, loveliest girl, I was so in love & I couldn't believe how a girl like her would love me... Anyway.. Time went on & it did get sexual & we both lost our virginity... Our relationship only lasted 5mths, when we broke up (deb wanted out) I was sooo heart broken, I was even depressed for 3yrs... Truly! &even had dreams about her & I, quite vivid ones that make you wake up in the middle of the night!!! ... So... Were is this all heading...
    Well... People & relationships makes us as we are now & I can see your a tender hearted, sensitive young lady & years of love & living ahead of you... My memory of Debbie have never gone away, even though I'm am very happily married to my dearest wife & what a treasure she is (2 time around)... Mindy my girl... I'm sorry I don't have an answer... You will fall in love again & God will see to that as he hears the desires of your heart... Chin up, say a quiet prayer, leave it in his ever knowing hands...
    I don't know if I have been of help, but that's my story... Take heart... Rob
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2018
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  19. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    That was helpful actually. My parents and older siblings tell me the same thing, but what’s missing with them is the relatable part of their advice. They’ve never had heartbreak like this. All married young and still in love. Thank you for being relatable and example that life goes on. :)
     
  20. tet2vd

    tet2vd Fapstronaut

    Hey Mindy! Wow you're practically echoing everything I've thought about while on my own journey. The stress that comes with trying to relate with your parents along with missing an ex still and just wanting to be alone, isolating yourself from everyone else etc... I dated someone almost three years ago in college and was very much in love with her while we were together. After we broke up, from time to time I would wonder how she was doing and realize how deeply I cared for her still despite the slightly unfair circumstances in which we broke up (for good). It was hard for a while and still is because I still cared for her still. It was bad enough that I realized while dating someone else, that I still cared very much about her and that led to our breaking apart our (sort of) friendship off because she got confused and was feeling lonely one night and I was too. And well one thing led to another and we had sex for the first time in a long time. We talked about it the week after because both of us were confused. It ended up that she decided she was just feeling lonely and I had to deal with some unrequited feelings that had continued from when we first broke up and were only made stronger by her admitting to my sister that she missed me and loved being with me our first time around. I was utterly heartbroken for a second time. I honestly think about it a lot since that time (about a year and half now) and wonder if things would've ended up differently had we both not given in to our loneliness at the time.


    However I realized that during the time we spent apart, we were growing in our own ways, but on different paths now. It's easier to look back now in hindsight and realize that the people we were then are different the people we are now. Maybe that'll be true for you and your ex and maybe not... God is so mysterious like that and even when sometimes I have even doubted his plan for me, He's always come through in the most unexpected ways to help me learn more about myself, to remind me, and to help me when I most needed it.

    Personally, I think if God were to will it and somehow my ex and I crossed paths again way down the line (if she was single again because currently she is dating someone else that she is happy with. In a way, it locked the door on my heart even more, but at the same time I couldn't help but feel some happiness that she was finally happy again too. Weird huh? It might be a part of growing up, but I'm not really sure haha), I don't know how I would react, but I think that would be up to us to decide when the moment comes. In the end all we can really do is work on ourselves and learn more about ourselves and just seize the opportunities that God grants us. I hope this helps you in whatever way possible, even if it helps to have a similar aged peer to talk about it and I know you've got this handled for your journey with no MO! Good luck to you! Look forward to keeping up with your journal updates!
     

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