RMD's Reboot Journal: Quitting to Excell

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by ReclaimingMyDestiny, Feb 25, 2019.

  1. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 1: Day 14

    I’ve done nofap in the past. Once about 10 years ago I decided to quit porn but I don't think the nofap community existed then, and once again more recently in the Spring and Summer of 2017. Each time I went through the nofap discipline I had a great experience of boosted energy, clarity of purpose and direction in my life, and overall feeling healthier. I’ve never participated with the community until now (although in 2017 I was aware of it I found the nofap resources and posts very helpful so thank you), but this time I’ve decided to make an account and post as I’m currently finding it difficult to do this on my own again. For the past few months I’ve felt very much not in control of my life due to pmo.


    For me, pmoing has been happening more or less automatically meaning it’s not something I plan on, or even feel like I’m deciding to do. It’s more like one stray thought while I’m working for example, or even a subliminal association that the original thought had nothing to do with, or some out-of-left field nonsexual stimulus somehow becomes sexualized, somehow gets associated and transformed into a sex thought, just the seed of a fantasy, and the very next thing I’m browsing pictures that match the fantasy. I’ll be working (at home) and the next thing I notice is that I’m into the pmo ritual. It happens so fast and often so strongly that I feel helpless to stop.


    It’s not an everyday thing for me. Often it’s multiple consecutive days but there will be days of dormancy where I can go on with my day without any pmo interruptions or even any desire to. I’ll get a few days in a row, maybe even a week respite and I’ll start feeling good again. I’ll feel a little stronger, more clear-headed etc. When I pmo it makes me feel like crap for at least a couple days and if I keep doing it repeatedly it often seems to trigger my depression which makes me almost completely dysfunctional for weeks on end. But even as one-offs, pmoing makes me feel like crap for at least a couple days. I get brain fog, I’m slower, my thoughts aren’t as sharp or quick, and I feel like my overall strength is diminished. That’s why I try to avoid it as much as I can. I want to rid internet porn from my life for good. You often read that masturbating (even with porn) is normal and healthy and good for you; for me it’s never felt healthy. For me it’s trading a few minutes of pleasure for at least a day or more of feeling like a shadow of my former self. Sometimes the negative effects aren’t so intense but often they are especially with multiple pmo sessions within a short time. Sometimes when the pmo urge is dormant for many consecutive days, maybe a week or more, I’ll start to feel really, really good and strong and healthy again and I’ll think that I’ve somehow put all that behind me, only to eventually find myself in the same cycle when the urge comes again out of the blue. I want out. I’m an ambitious man with lofty goals and I know what to do to reach them. Pmo has been an extremely distracting and disruptive influence to my goals and I want to free myself and give myself the opportunity to follow my dreams.


    I’m here now because I recently accidently had ten days under my belt and I saw the opportunity to ride that wave from ten days to 14, to 21, and right on to 90 days and then make internet porn a thing of the past for me. I don’t want to fall back into the same cycle I just described. It’s my ultimate goal to make it a habit and life rule to never use internet porn again. For others it might be fine, but for me it has a terrible effect on my life and I’m much better without it. As of this writing I’m on day 14 and the urges are returning very strongly after having it unusually easy for the past couple weeks. The reason I decided to finally write this first entry of my own journal is because things suddenly got really difficult, really fast. Urges to browse are resurfacing and also extremely sexual thoughts that I’m trying hard to keep at bay. I felt like it might be a helpful and constructive use of my time to write this intro of myself as a way of looking at the urges head on, and actually it is helpful. I feel like I’ve found a little bit of strength just putting these feelings into words.


    In my 2017 nofap effort, I had a fifteen day streak and then two days of resets before I got a good thing going and made it for exactly 90 days. So I know from experience that this week (15-21 days) is a particularly challenging one for me in terms of reset danger. I’ll probably be posting daily this week as a way to look the urges straight on and give voice to the feelings, and possible to seek advice. I’m glad to be here and to be walking this path with you all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2019
  2. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 2: Day 15

    Today is much easier to navigate than the turbulence of yesterday. It didn’t help that yesterday I was running on less sleep than I usually get. I've noticed that being tired is dangerous on the nofap path. It's like the part of the brain that holds to disciplines and keeps vigilance over bad habits goes on vacation as soon as the body is tired. Idk how it works but it's been a truism always on my path.

    I ended up unintentionally taking a really long nap after my post which was awesome because I got to sleep through those strong urges. I was worried that the long nap through the day was going to destroy my sleep cycle, but I was able to sleep through the night as well and today I woke up very rested ,and so far it’s smooth sailing today as far as urges go.
     
  3. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 3: Day 17

    Pretty easy couple of days surprisingly. Some strong sexual thoughts late this morning but they came and went fairly quickly and I wasn't that tempted to act on them. So far pretty surprised how relatively easy this week is going.
     
  4. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 4: Day 18

    Pretty excited how things are going! I've been experiencing severe depression and anxiety for about 9 months, although the last 4 months I've been more functional than the previous 5. I gained a lot of weight over the last 9 months as well as a lot of bad habits, and thankfully this nofap journey is helping to encourage and empower me to make other good decisions in my life. Today I worked out for the first time since I don't know when and I feel great! I plan on making exercise a regular activity in my life again.
     
  5. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 5: Day 20

    Just had a potential setback, but I'm writing here to deal with it and to make sure not go off the path. I was looking up the answer to a random question on Google and it brought me to Quora and I ended up going down a bit of a rabbit hole, one article/post lead me to another and to another, each less related to the last. The final one, while relatively innocently titled, turned out to basically be erotic lit in content. I should have closed it as soon as I realized but I ended up reading the whole post (wasn't that long) and it put me in a mindset dangerous to my streak and my goals, so to chill out I decided to write about the incident.

    I don't know how common this is for others, but for me I need to be really vigilant about my thoughts especially when I'm online because I've built a habit of indulging in pmo basically at the drop of a pin of sexually suggestive material. Historically my ritual consisted of:

    1) Sexual thought immediately leads to searching p-images related to it.
    2) P-images lead to videos.
    3) Videos lead to MO.

    Because I've created this habit of overindulgence over such a long time, I think it's going to take a long time to build self-discipline and to re-build healthier habits and maybe eventually such accidental and innocuous material won't be so triggering.

    Other than inadvertently stumbling across that material, the last couple of days have been going pretty well. My muscles are sore from Friday's workout but I expected they would. Hoping for another week of walking the path.

    Keep staying strong everyone. Here's to your health and to reaching your goals!
     
  6. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 6: Day 21

    Three weeks in already! Grateful to this community for tools and resources to help keep myself accountable. It hasn't been that tough so far because every day I've been thinking about this journey of removing porn from my life. My guard is always up because I've started caring again about the quality of what I consume. Garbage in/garbage out as the old saying goes.
     
  7. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Entry 7: Day 30

    Thirty days in and going strong. Feeling pretty good. Have been slacking on exercising, and my diet and sleep schedule have been pretty bad lately. I know all this is a recipe for disaster so I plan on getting these things under control. But my desire to look at porn has been pretty much nonexistent for the past week or so which is amazing. I think I'm starting to reset the wiring to want to do that. The only pitfalls I'm facing lately are resisting the temptation to masturbate when I wake up and have morning wood. Sometimes I forget how much this journey means to me when I first wake up, but so far I'm catching myself and resisting. Otherwise it has been surprisingly smooth sailing lately.

    Edit: Just went out for a half-hour walk. Going to be making walking a daily discipline until I'm able to upgrade to some cardio and/or other more challenging exercises.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019
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  8. justapadawan

    justapadawan Fapstronaut

    Good to know you are keeping strong, and moreover, that it is not being so terribly hard on you. But you are right, you should not let your guard down, and a little exercise will help you with NoFap and pretty much everything else on your life, so it is good to see you taking care of that.
    30 days is a very impressive achievement, congrats mate!
     
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  9. justapadawan

    justapadawan Fapstronaut

    Just checking on you. How are you?
    Congrats on the 40 days milestone.
    In no time you will be in the half of the journey. And if you can make 45, you can make another 45, right?

    Keep it up
     
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  10. ReclaimingMyDestiny

    ReclaimingMyDestiny Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! Congratulations to you on immediately getting back on the path, that's awesome man!!

    I'm doing okay thanks, but these last couple weeks have been pretty difficult. I’ve been doing okay with urges to pmo thankfully, but I haven’t been as strong or strict with myself as I’d like to be. I know that this process of rebooting is an especially vulnerable time for all of us. Once we start getting some months under our belts, the good habits grow and become stronger and it eventually starts to become second nature to do the right thing and think thoughts that are in line with the vision of who we want to be.

    I’ve been a little too lax with the kind of websites and content I’ve been allowing myself to look at lately, as well as the kind of thoughts that I dwell on and I really need to start reigning that in. Not porn, but possibly triggering thoughts and material that are just erotic enough to be dangerous, and I’m way too early in on this journey to be messing around with possible triggers. I’m working on a plan of alternative activity when I find this happening in the future. If I’m able to go for a 10-20 minute walk, that’s probably my best bet

    On a positive note I’ve been starting to build quite a few positive habits in my life, including a little more exercise, making time to be more organized, and maintaining a better sleep schedule.

    Thanks again on the props for 40 days. I'm proud of my streak so far and it's helping me to be strong when I otherwise wouldn't be.
     
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