Entry 1: Day 14 I’ve done nofap in the past. Once about 10 years ago I decided to quit porn but I don't think the nofap community existed then, and once again more recently in the Spring and Summer of 2017. Each time I went through the nofap discipline I had a great experience of boosted energy, clarity of purpose and direction in my life, and overall feeling healthier. I’ve never participated with the community until now (although in 2017 I was aware of it I found the nofap resources and posts very helpful so thank you), but this time I’ve decided to make an account and post as I’m currently finding it difficult to do this on my own again. For the past few months I’ve felt very much not in control of my life due to pmo. For me, pmoing has been happening more or less automatically meaning it’s not something I plan on, or even feel like I’m deciding to do. It’s more like one stray thought while I’m working for example, or even a subliminal association that the original thought had nothing to do with, or some out-of-left field nonsexual stimulus somehow becomes sexualized, somehow gets associated and transformed into a sex thought, just the seed of a fantasy, and the very next thing I’m browsing pictures that match the fantasy. I’ll be working (at home) and the next thing I notice is that I’m into the pmo ritual. It happens so fast and often so strongly that I feel helpless to stop. It’s not an everyday thing for me. Often it’s multiple consecutive days but there will be days of dormancy where I can go on with my day without any pmo interruptions or even any desire to. I’ll get a few days in a row, maybe even a week respite and I’ll start feeling good again. I’ll feel a little stronger, more clear-headed etc. When I pmo it makes me feel like crap for at least a couple days and if I keep doing it repeatedly it often seems to trigger my depression which makes me almost completely dysfunctional for weeks on end. But even as one-offs, pmoing makes me feel like crap for at least a couple days. I get brain fog, I’m slower, my thoughts aren’t as sharp or quick, and I feel like my overall strength is diminished. That’s why I try to avoid it as much as I can. I want to rid internet porn from my life for good. You often read that masturbating (even with porn) is normal and healthy and good for you; for me it’s never felt healthy. For me it’s trading a few minutes of pleasure for at least a day or more of feeling like a shadow of my former self. Sometimes the negative effects aren’t so intense but often they are especially with multiple pmo sessions within a short time. Sometimes when the pmo urge is dormant for many consecutive days, maybe a week or more, I’ll start to feel really, really good and strong and healthy again and I’ll think that I’ve somehow put all that behind me, only to eventually find myself in the same cycle when the urge comes again out of the blue. I want out. I’m an ambitious man with lofty goals and I know what to do to reach them. Pmo has been an extremely distracting and disruptive influence to my goals and I want to free myself and give myself the opportunity to follow my dreams. I’m here now because I recently accidently had ten days under my belt and I saw the opportunity to ride that wave from ten days to 14, to 21, and right on to 90 days and then make internet porn a thing of the past for me. I don’t want to fall back into the same cycle I just described. It’s my ultimate goal to make it a habit and life rule to never use internet porn again. For others it might be fine, but for me it has a terrible effect on my life and I’m much better without it. As of this writing I’m on day 14 and the urges are returning very strongly after having it unusually easy for the past couple weeks. The reason I decided to finally write this first entry of my own journal is because things suddenly got really difficult, really fast. Urges to browse are resurfacing and also extremely sexual thoughts that I’m trying hard to keep at bay. I felt like it might be a helpful and constructive use of my time to write this intro of myself as a way of looking at the urges head on, and actually it is helpful. I feel like I’ve found a little bit of strength just putting these feelings into words. In my 2017 nofap effort, I had a fifteen day streak and then two days of resets before I got a good thing going and made it for exactly 90 days. So I know from experience that this week (15-21 days) is a particularly challenging one for me in terms of reset danger. I’ll probably be posting daily this week as a way to look the urges straight on and give voice to the feelings, and possible to seek advice. I’m glad to be here and to be walking this path with you all.