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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Nov 18, 2018.
Holy Crap. That's a whole adult!
Have a good day
Yeah! We each lost 50 over 6 months. It was really cool because we wanted to lose, like 20? And next thing you knew we lost ALL our excess fat with no exercise at all. Kept it off for 20 months now with exercise to tone up and I look better than I did before kids.
Outstanding! I lost almost 100 lbs. myself.
I feel like recovery and rebooting for everyone else on here is so eventful. Full of ups and downs. Failures and successes. Communication. Changes, for better or for worse...
But for me I feel like I’ve been stuck in this purgatory limbo of literally NOTHING happening for months now. 3 + months since he’s allegedly stopped watching porn. Reboot, and then another attempt at the reboot- yet absolutely nothing is happening. I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing! It’s driving me crazy. I feel so in the dark. I feel so uninvolved. There’s no communication about how the recovery is going aside from “how is everything?” “Good.” As for our relationship, the only change has been even less sex than ever before thanks to hard reboot. But that’s it. Nothing is different. Same man, same husband, same lack of interest for sex at all, same relationship. It just feels so weird and I wish I could get SOMETHING to show for all the time that’s passed.
A sign of no progress is usually a sign of no recovery...
They Usually just get better at hiding it.
I wish you good luck and know we are always here for you.
Did that happen with your situation?
It happens with alot of us.
I talked to him briefly last night about my concerns and how I wanted him to communicate with me about his progress. He said that it was a lot harder before and it’s getting easier now. He said he’s has urges and feels super guilty about having urges.
So that was something.
Scrolling through reddit, I came across an AskReddit thread asking “what was your reaction the first time you saw your SO naked?” And I decided to read it. All the answers were along the lines of “holy shit she’s so hot, how did I get so lucky? I wanna fuck her forever..” etc. I was immediately flooded with the memory of how excited I was for my husband to see me naked and have sex with me for the first time on our wedding night, and how nervous I was hoping that he would be pleased with my body. I was always self conscious, but I looked good by then. Instead, I got no reaction, rarely ever any sex or interest in it, and boner problems from my 19 year old husband. I realize now that I was married unknowingly to a PA and that the reaction and special moment I waited for on my wedding night was stolen from me and replaced with 7 long years of my husband only wanting PORN instead. I remembered all the times in those years that I tried so hard to make him show any interest in me and my body. I remembered slowly giving up on lingerie or even initiating sex because the rejection hurt so bad. I burst out in tears tonight as I read that thread. It hurts so bad. So bad. It’s been 4 months since I’ve found out and it doesn’t hurt any less. This is hell. Why me?
I think we've had this discussion about "...Why me?..." Nobody knows the answer to that proverbial question. I'm sure those who lost their lives in the twin towers in 2001 felt "why me?" before they died. Those are answers we can never understand. The best we can ever do is make the best possible decisions for the best possible solution for the best possible outcome and hope for the best. Your hurt, your pain, it will subside. It may take you six months. It may take you a year. It may take you three. But it will subside. Yes, you saved yourself for him, only he wasn't ever saving himself for you and cheated you out of your special moment of consummation. And that is so so unfortunate. You know my story and how I was cheated out of so much as well until I finally just didn't give a shit anymore. I more or less said "fuck it" and "fuck them (the women in my life)" My reactionary response wasn't any more appropriate than their actions that precipitated it. You have a window of opportunity here to take a negative part of your life and turn it into something positive. I've utilized my pain to help people here and by doing so, it makes me a much stronger, more resilient, and better human being. Yes, your wedding night was stolen from you. Yes, you worked hard and diligently to garner his attention and attract him to you sexually to no avail. He learned early on that his PMO was always there for him and his bride was his for the taking, and he didn't have to do any work to keep her. The lingerie, the garters, the stockings, the sexy lace up bras (I don't know the specifics, but as examples) all did nothing for him because he's seen it a thousand times already. The only thing those things accomplished was to reinforce his propensity to continue PMO. I know, you didn't know. But really, that's what all that stuff does. And it hurts so much because all the while, you think it is all about you. It isn't. It's all about the addiction. Nothing replaces the beauty of the nakedness of a beautiful naked woman from head to toe. You don't, and never needed, any of that shit to enhance it. Knowing your religious viewpoint, I'm not going to say why, but you were built that way. But you need to keep this in mind: You are beautiful in body, in mind, and in spirit. Remember that always. I think I have spoken to you about affirmations as well. Please go back to it (look at Page 2 on our PM). I really do love your tenacity to work so hard at salvaging and recovering your marriage. It's quite impressive actually!
Thank you. I am a confident woman NOW and I understand that his PA had nothing to do with my looks. I wish I had this knowledge and these affirmations back when I was a 19 year old girl being rejected by her husband every night. I guess this post is mostly about grieving innocence, good intentions, who I once was, sorrow for that girl and everything she went through. I am just grieving the life I thought I was getting and fighting tooth and nail never to accept a life of porn. I can’t do it. God, sometimes I wish I never would have talked him into having sex with me because then we wouldn’t have had our kids and then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about leaving.
Ya know, I could have told you every bit of this stuff in the very beginning. But if I did, you wouldn't have appreciated it like you do now. You needed to live it and walk through it. You genuinely had to go through that grieving process (Five Stages of Grief; https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/). And might I add, you've done remarkably well regardless of the outcome of your marriage. I'm so incredibly proud of you.
Thank you Ghost. Some days it feels like I’m going through all 5 stages in one. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Especially not at such a young age.
So, and just to backtrack a little, when we attempted reboot 1- I found that he’d still been MO throughout that time so it didn’t work.
Yesterday, (we are 17 days in to reboot 2 which has been defined and agreed upon by both parties as a hard reboot) I asked him about how he’s been doing with being PMO free. He said still no porn, and no masturbation. BUT... he said he occasionally “touches it a little bit for a while and then stops before it becomes masturbation...” hmmmm.
So, I am glad that he opened up to me about that but I’m a little skeptical and concerned because A) I don’t know if he’s telling the truth about it only being “partial” stimulation and B) any kind of self- stimulation at all is probably not good for what we are trying to accomplish here, right? And I’m worried about that because I REALLY want him to succeed. I’ve noticed lately he’s been almost like, taking mental pictures here and there. For example, the night before I asked him about this, when he came to the bedroom to say goodnight and hug and kiss me, he pushed me onto the bed and lifted my legs up to my shoulders and kind of just looked over all my body in that position and then stopped and said goodnight and left. I also caught him taking a photo of me at the gym while he was spotting my squats the other week. I asked him about it and he said he just thought I looked good so he took the picture for no reason. So, little things like that, I’ve been noticing and I’m concerned because it doesn’t feel right.
I think that many positions and the general attitude that you and other women in this section of the forum often hold are completely misguided. The guys who occasionally come to comment are mostly nodding to that stuff so I'll present a different view. I'll address things mentioned in other journals too - hope you'll forgive me the thread hijack.
Time required to elapse before things start working is highly variable. If you read through the success stories, you'll see quantities ranging between two weeks and two years. Ergo, the fact that he still has ED three months later doesn't mean he's cheated (not that he hasn't either, of course). 90 days is a completely arbitrary time block.
The implication, he can't stop => he doesn't care about you, is false. Go ahead and ask smokers, why do they keep inhaling cigarette smoke when they must know they're risking cancer. Even a strong motivation like life or relationship preservation does not guarantee that the addict will successfully change his habits.
The tactics that you chicks try to fix this issue with are just bad.
Therapy: sitting down and talking about issues is about as appealing as colonoscopy. There is a subconscious belief in a guy's brain that no conflict is resolved until someone's got punched in the face - which in this case is obviously not possible.
Boundaries: I'm guessing most guys don't find the picture of being romantically connected with their mothers very appealing. Given that, I can't believe that you would consider it to be a good idea to set milestones that your little boy has to clear or even spy on him to see how he's doing. If this were me I'd probably explode.
Crying and other types of passive-aggressive behavior. Whether sincere or not, they're annoying; especially since the dude probably already feels like a complete peace of shit for not being able to perform.
Obviously I can't claim to be the speaker of all men but I think that to some extent, these things apply to every one of us.
You see that I've only shot down ideas without mentioning any solution. Let's come up with one. I think ultimatums can sort of work - that's how my aunt got uncle to stop drinking - but that's only one chance to succeed, which is risky. No - the way to forget a woman (women), whether a real or virtual one, is another woman. Seduce him. The easiest time I've had not fapping was after making out with my highschool crush on a reunion party - I didn't even think of watching porn two months later because I was obsessing about her instead.
If you think all this should not be necessary and the prince should do everything his princess wants automatically, fair enough. But in that case you might want to look for another one since nothing's gonna change without a catalyst.
I just...I just....I just can't even...I'm at a loss for words (and I'm never at a loss for words). Ya know Son, I wrote a reply and addressed each and every one of these items and then realized that the only thing I needed to say to you was you should have started and ended your entire diatribe with "I think..." I'm not going to say any more about it. I am, however, going to sit back, and watch as you get chewed up and eaten alive though. This should be fun...
Ah, the thought leader himself. Since you're accusing me of trolling, I have to respond. Fun? Chewed up? I don't need any more proof than what you've just written to understand that this place is an echo chamber. I'll tell you what I see - your approach is a disaster. The track record is so bad it could hardly be worse.
It's a shame you decided to try to belittle me instead of providing a serious answer. I have written in honesty what I think (yes, "I think" because every post is an opinion by default - not sure what that was about) - and I think it's plausible to assume that others (including limp husbands and boyfriends) think the same way. That's all
So you believe it is the partner's responsibility to be sexy enough to keep her man away from other women.
Is this also your philosophy on how men should keep their women away from other men?
What responsibility do you lay at the feet of the addict for his own behavior?