Restarting reboot.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, Nov 18, 2018.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Hi, everyone.

    Husband (26 years old) is allegedly (I say allegedly because I have no way of knowing if that is the case or not, it’s just based off what he tells me) 3 months into no PMO. We had talked about doing a 90 day reboot before, but it would include zero PM, allowing him only to orgasm or be sexual with me.

    Well, it didn’t go very well because while he maintained that he did not PM during that time, we weren’t able to really have sex successfully. He has no drive, as well as a very weak erection. When we do attempt sex, he often cannot keep an erection long enough to get through it and if he can- the entire sexual experience is spent on both of us worrying about getting it done fast enough for his erection to last. So, it’s kind of a shit show.

    When he lost his erection again for the first time after not having sex for many weeks, (and me very much looking forward to sex because he’d allegedly stopped PMO and was supposed to be improving in many ways) I just burst into tears. I couldn’t control my emotions and I was SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Of that being the extent of my sex life from 19-26 years old. It hurt so bad.

    When I ask him about why there hasn’t been any improvement in 3 months of therapy, meetings and no PMO, he says that A: he is probably flatlining, B: he is “getting used to being turned on by me” (I love that one, makes me feel like a supermodel...) and C: he’s nervous about losing his erection so it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

    Anyway... so I personally am deeply suspicious that he is still PMO, or at least MO, because I simply don’t buy that a 26 year old man, without any sexual activity for such a long time, would be unresponsive to an attractive naked woman wanting to have sex with him. But, unfortunately, I can’t prove anything.

    Ghostwriter gave me an idea to try the 90 day reboot with zero sexual activity at all between us. He said this would allow me to have a clearer idea, without a doubt, that he is or is not still PMO based on what happens at the end of that 90 days. And I think he’s absolutely right about that and that it’s a great idea. It’s gonna be hard as hell for me because I get super cranky after 1 week of no action but it’ll be worth it in the long run, for me to have some clarity in this fucked up situation of constant paranoia, confusion, not knowing what’s real and what’s a lie...

    So, anyway, I told husband that that’s what we need to do (didn’t tell him why) and he said okay. So that’s my update. Feel free to comment if you have a comment or question.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    120
    221
    43
    I was wondering about this myself. My husband and I are almost in the last month of his 90 day. Of course I’m not 100% convinced of his claim to no relapses. What does a successful reboot usually look/feel like after 90 days?
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Well, I wouldn’t know personally because I’ve never in my entire 7 years of marriage had a husband who was healthy sexually and not watching porn. BUT from what I’ve gathered, after 90 days of no sexual release at all, and no porn viewing, a man should be very ready and willing to enthusiastically have sex with his woman. With no issues. Especially if that man is anything under 55 years old, and never had a severe, crazy addiction. Idk.
     
    Vixen likes this.
  4. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    293
    415
    63
    You've made basically this same post a few times now. It sounds like your intuition is telling you that he is not clean.

    I know last time you posted, I said it sounds like flatline. But I didn't realize that he has been in "flatline" for months. That seems unlikely to me given his age. My husband is 40 and his flatline lasted only about 10 days, though my husband didn't have PIED (he did have DE).

    If you were to assume that he is still actively PMO, what would you do differently?
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  5. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Sorry, I don’t mean to be redundant. This is a very strange and new area for me and I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about it. I don’t know anything about what flatline is supposed to look like. I appreciate your story, thank you. That makes a lot more sense.

    Actively PMOing is not what my dealbreaker is, and I told him that. I told him I am willing to be supportive and help him get through this so we can have a healthy marriage. My dealbreaker is lying. So, if he is in fact lying this whole time, despite all my efforts and patience and self-sacrifice, to cover up PMO and I find out, we will be finished as a couple.
     
  6. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    293
    415
    63
    Oh, it's not a problem at all! Post as much as you need to! We all need support and information in this tough situation. I'm so sorry, I was at all not clear there.

    I meant that because this question keeps coming up for you, it seems like your intuition is repeatedly sounding an alarm.
     
    Trappist, Jennica and EyesWideOpen like this.
  7. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    You may be right about that. It’s either my gut feeling telling me that he’s not being honest, or it’s me being paranoid because of how much he’s lied to me in the past. I REALLY want to give him the benefit of the doubt in hopes that he actually will change, and I don’t want to deter him from doing so by being negative to him. So I just keep my suspicions to myself and I guess in the near future I’ll be able to draw my own conclusions from how this has gone. The last time that I gave him an ultimatum (one year to get this shit figured out- before he even admitted to/I discovered the porn, I was just referring to the fact that we had no sex life), he didn’t do anything at all except start initiating sex once in a while. So I worry that a year from D-Day, things still won’t be any different.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    90 days MOST men are out of Flatline...
    Flatline, at least the First Flatline (there are two types) occurs, when it can occur, early on after the drive/surge stage.
    (the whoooo let's do this reboot I can totally save my marriage and I can do it stage) it looks like failure to get a erection during sex, or maintain a erection... Tired, brain fog, irritated, forgetful...depression... A few other symptoms.
    It's the first time in reboot there is a chance of relapse because morning woods tend to disappear and men want to "test" their equipment.
    This can happen a few days to a few weeks in depending on how much p or m they were active in.
    Only about 85%? Experience the Flatline tho... So it's not a "everyone" thing.
    Your mileage may vary.
    Flatline (depending on PIED) only lasts a few days to a few weeks.
    So again... By 90 days...
    It Should be over... Unless he's doing something to mess with his brain or body.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Ok, thank you. Yeah, so the new 90 day reboot should be a great way to figure that out then. It’s already been a long time since he’s first claimed flatline so in another 90 days I’ll be able to see if he’s doing the work or not.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,243
    2,914
    143
    I'm so glad you asked this question.

    So what, pray tell, is so magical about 90 days anyway? Well, let's think about it. If you sustain a minor injury, a small cut/scrape/bruise, it could be gone in a few weeks. If you sustain a broken bone, you're looking at 12 weeks (13 if you round it to 90 days or 3 months). If you have a major surgery, or severe catastrophic injuries, you're looking at 3 months minimum, and up to a year to heal. Now that's time to heal. After you heal, you're going to probably require physical therapy, occupational therapy, or some regiment of continued maintenance treatment for a period of time thereafter.

    This is your brain. It's an organ too. And like the rest of your body, it takes time to heal. You've systematically destroyed your brain in a dysfunctional manner for years, and now you're expecting the turn around time for recovery to be 7 days (an exaggeration I know). But you get the point. If there is no PMO for the 90 day duration, you've essentially allowed your brain to reset and ignore those neural pathways you've created and exercised like muscle memory for years or decades. Every time you PMO, you continue the solidification of those pathways. If you compare it to root memorization, it's the same concept. If you want to remember a 25 step process, just do it a couple dozen times, and you'll have etched it into your memory. The PMO addict has etched this pattern into their memory.

    So 90 days means absolutely nothing if you don't continue with your recovery because once you start right back to PMO, the whole pattern re-solidifies all that you tried to change. The thing about 90 days that has become such a milestone is that if you can stay clean for 90 days, then you're likelihood of success goes up exponentially. If you can make it to 3 years, you're all but guaranteed success. You have to deliberately go out of your way to fall back after 3 years. But you can if you start going back to "Well, I'm just going to PMO just this once." The interesting phenomenon is that after 3 years, you don't even think about doing it anymore. It becomes so foreign to you.

    I often use the brain as a forest analogy. It goes like this:

    You go walking through the woods. There is a trail. You follow that trail. And if you follow that trail often enough, it is very evident and clear what the path of that trail is. It is a simple matter of following the beaten path. When you abstain for a while, the trail becomes overgrown, scattered with forest debris over time. After a month, you can still easily follow the trail because it is readily apparent that the trail is there beneath the overgrowth. After a couple of months, it becomes even less visible. After a few months, the trail is still there, but there is sufficient overgrowth that makes it much less desirable to follow. But after a few years have passed, the trail is nowhere to be found because there has been sufficient time that has passed and become overgrown with new overlapping material. The trail is still there. It just becomes very hard do get to. So you have a choice. You can go back down the original trail because different landmarks on the trail give you a reminder of where the trail should go. And you can follow it. And you can beat the trail back down to a beaten path. Or, you could create your own new trail. And in doing so, over time, you will have created a new beaten path for which you will follow because it is what one would call the "shortest distance between two points", or a better way of putting it, "the path of least resistance". Now you have both paths there. The old path which you tend to ignore, and the new path which is front and center in your mind. That is about as simple an analogy you can get. You haven't erased the old trail. You've just created a new trail.
    If you continue to PMO, none of the old trails are gone. So if the situation presents itself, you're more apt to take the old trail because you know it and it has been reliable to you. You are comfortable with it. Those things, PMO, etc., that are byproducts of the addiction? The brain cannot continue to fuel it if the activity is absent. Your Partner's sexual dysfunction is a product of pornography/masturbation, and his brain has been trained to respond accordingly. After 90 days, he may be slow to respond to you sexually. But after several opportunities, and it still is a problem, then PMO is still a problem. Anybody who has recovered this addiction will tell you the same thing. It's a proven outcome. And no matter what anybody tells you, barring any physical abnormality, ED JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN! Especially for anyone under the age of 50? Please!

    So why am I telling you this? Because it's important to understand the significance of the healing process and why 90 days is a selected and targeted milestone so recognized by every established addiction facility. That's not just sex/pornography addiction BTW. The 90 days applies to all addictions (i.e alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gambling, etc.). If you are expecting something grand to happen, don't look for it. Some people will take less than 90 days to heal their brain. Others will take 190 days. It all depends on so many factors from their propensity to cheat during that time to their nasty eating habits (don't get me started on eating and the poor excuse for food we have in our grocery stores). Nonetheless, look for a process of rehabilitation to follow. Once you reach that coveted 90 days, you start to gently reintroduce normal healthy sexuality into your relationship. If you're smart about it, you'll do it as a function of intimacy, and not try to gain intimacy as a function of sex. If he trains his brain to respond to intimacy, then you'll get the maximum bang for the buck on his recovery. Look at the 90 days of abstinence as a difference between tearing down a structure, and the foundation too, and rebuilding it from the ground up on a brand new strong foundation versus tearing down a structure, and rebuilding it atop the existing unstable foundation only to gamble on whether the structure is stable enough, or is subject to failure. 90 day abstinence helps to better solidify the recovery process because it more or less cleans the slate so that everything you layer on top of it is new and grounded.

    Please, if you don't understand it, the way I've explained it, tell me, and I'll try something different. I hope this helps clear it up some.
     
  11. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    120
    221
    43
    Thanks for putting this together for me! It makes sense to me. Of course I’m not the skeptic.

    How does eating poorly factor into recovery? My husband eats a lot of candy and sugary baked items.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sugar = dopamine substitute
    It's a fake fix.
    It's like eating candy when you quit cigarettes
     
    cakeinacrisis, Jennica, Numb and 4 others like this.
  13. GSW9

    GSW9 Fapstronaut

    116
    10,327
    123
    My Journal
    @Kenzi Thats true!! Even junk food raises the dopamine levels to the roof & leave us craving for more.. Also alcohol, smoking, gaming, gambling, mindless internet surfing, social media all are dopamine substitutes to feel that "high"
     
    Hros and Kenzi like this.
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,243
    2,914
    143
    Thank You.
    And Thank You.

    Notwithstanding, our food is so processed to a point beyond absurdity, they've managed to extract any health benefits if there were any at all. Chemicals used and modifications taken only to learn 25-30 years down the road that, oh by the way, that cancer you got? Aren't both the FDA and the USDA subsidiaries these companies? LOL! It'd be so funny if it weren't so damned tragic. We had no such thing as "peanut allergies" when I was a kid. Never even heard of such a thing until after I was an adult. "Autism"? Never heard of it either until after I was an adult. You can't tell me these things are all a coincidence. Oh, I forgot. I don't believe in coincidences anymore. And last, have we forgotten what the four basic food groups are? Contrary to the old man in the animated movie "Atlantis" when he says "I've got your four basic food groups...", it's rather simple actually. Divide your plate into four sections and in equal parts, 1 Vegetable, 1 Protein, 1 Carbohydrate, and 1 Vegetable (Yes, 2 Vegetables). I'm sure somebody is going to pick that apart, but I don't give a shit. I've had professional dietitians corroborate this simple solution. LMAO, you gotta watch this clip though!

     
  15. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Interestingly, my husband doesn’t seem to be exhibiting any “replacement addictions”... wonder what that means.
     
  16. GSW9

    GSW9 Fapstronaut

    116
    10,327
    123
    My Journal
    Like spending too much on the internet, social media or excessive alcohol/smoking/playing video games/eating junk food/sugary food etc!! PM replaced by these are replacement addictions..
     
  17. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

    14
    19
    3
    My husband is 115 days PM free and 18 days PMO. The 90 days was a benchmark but he definitely felt for him he needed more days to feel any of the effects of rewiring his brain. He quickly realised he was replacing porn with food and having some interesting binge sessions so now we are both on keto (low carb, moderate protein, high fat, and eliminate sugar and all processed food). He’s been in a flatline since the beginning but slowly he’s being more open (and initiating) intimacy. I had to learn to be more patient and he needed to take the reins and lead us through this recovery. Ghost hit it on the nail. I love the forest trail analogy. Use the 90 days as a ballpark figure but everyone is different.
     
    GSW9 likes this.
  18. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    2,243
    2,914
    143
    I think in his case, he is fully engaged in his PMO addiction, and his brain is happy with that.
     
  19. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    No, I meant “I wonder what that means about him.”
     
    GSW9 likes this.
  20. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    75
    48
    18
    Congrats on that. My husband and I lost 100 combined pounds on keto last year.
     
    Atomicflea and GSW9 like this.

Share This Page