Resentment will be the death of me

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bbq, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for being blunt. Sometimes that's just how you have to say it. I understand.

    Any time he relapses I'm not like "aw it's ok I know you had no choice. It was your addiction" no no no. I make consequences I actually moved out for 3 months. The next day after I moved out he found a therapist and psychiatrist. And started to see them. So ultimatums do work! Just the other night we talked about me moving back in because he's been doing better. But I told him if I have to move out a second time that will be my last time no exceptions.

    I am giving him a pat on the back because he had no idea it was an addiction until last December. He would PMO 3-5 times a day since the age of 15. No one ever told him it was wrong he didn't know it wasn't normal there wasn't anyone to tell him it wasn't okay. No one ever knew about it except me last December I called him out on it so he didn't think he needed help and was genuinely confused when I told him not everyone does it that often. So he is trying to change everything he ever thought was normal which I can't imagine how difficult it must be. But he's gone from 3-5 times a day to once every other week some times once a week. The goal is to stop completely. The problem is he promised to tell me when he was feeling week or if he slipped up. And the last two times he kept it from me.
    We talked on Sunday night about that and gave him another ultimatum. I'm not moving back in... Ever. We will never have the family we always talk about having. I'm not going to be lied to anymore. This is it.
    And The very next day immediately after work he went straight to the computer and found the number for this group who specializes in sex addiction. He read everyone's profile and found a therapist that would be a good fit for him. He called the guy and set up his first appointment. Like I stated earlier he was seeing a therapist but she was just for addiction so we think someone whose career is dedicated to finding solutions to this behaviour would be best. That has given me hope.
    I am in no way excusing his wrong doings by blaming it on the addiction. But I also understand how strong of a hold it can have on him.

    I hope some day we can get to where you and your wife are. Congratulations on all the hard work you've put in and the outcome that has produced. :)
     
  2. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Hi, thanks for posting your thoughts on this as a person who's recovered. It helps alot of sig others get the real deal perspective of what the addict mentality may be, its hard to speak with the sig other going through this because obviously there are trust issues involved. I was curious to know other then porn addiction, did you have obsession over women in general? As in when you were out in public did you objectify every women you saw who tend to be pretty or scantily dressed? I am having issues with this with my so, it leads to better uncomfortable situation going out together because in our day and age there is alot if skin showing in today's fashion. I'm wondering if that issue will be resolved if he rewires his brain or if that is a separate issue I need to worry about?
     
  3. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    @bbq

    As a porn addict myself, my first instinct is to say that your BF is addicted, stand by your man.

    But you are young. You are female. You deserve an emotional, romantic and sexual life with a loving guy. It is one thing for your BF to deprive himself of real sex, that is his choice. But he has no right to demand that you remain celibate and loyal to him.

    You tried your best to be with him, you gave it your best shot. But it is time to think of your needs as a woman. At your age, all the good caring men are being coupled off and will be married soon. Grab one while the grabbing is good.

    I don't know you personally, but most women eventually want to have children. Can you visualize yourself co-parenting with this guy? Would he be a good Father and role model for your children? If the answer is "no", time is wasting while you continue to live with a dude that you really have no respect for.
     
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  4. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    To adequately answer your question, I'd like to know what do you mean by objectification and obsession. In general, guys get messed up in the head by just living. Sexuality invades us in such brute force, that you cannot help but get shaped by it. This is really unfortunate, thanks sexual revolution. Just think about it. How many adverts there are that tries to sell a product with a woman? A lot. I think our minds get the two linked. If I buy this product, I can get this other "product". Namely, a girl. Let's add some "modern science". Humans are just animals, only interested in the survival of their gene pool. Morality is fake, and you can do whatever you want, until you don't "hurt" anyone. Thankfully, you get to decide what "hurt" means. Let's go on. All boys hear in their youth is that they only worth anything, if they have a lot of sex. It doesn't matter with who, really, as long as you have it. Because then you're "the man".
    This would be enough for any man to get messed up, but the women doesn't help either. We have this well intentioned but misguided feminism (I know that's more to that but this is not the topic of this post), that states that women can act just as men, and that's considered equality somehow. They say that they can have sex, even so, they want sex all the time, and it doesn't matter with who, until they get it. So they put out their tits and asses for all to see. It's really hard to treat women as human beings when seemingly the world views them as tools, and they often succumb to this as well.

    So according to this trend, yes, I think I objectified women, but not because I wanted to, but because I succumbed to the spirit of the world. I thought that women are just tools to show how masculine I am, and often times, girls just played along. I didn't even question my worldview until I became a Christian, and even then it was really hard to erase all the bullshit in my head. Am I perfect now? I wouldn't say that, but I'm miles away from where I were, and I'm getting better gradually. So do I look at a nice girl in the street? Yes. Do I turn around? No. Do I remember her 10 seconds later? Nope. Do unclean thoughts pop into my mind sometimes? Yes. Do I keep them in my head? No.

    I found this illustartion helpful. You can't prevent a bird from flying above your head but you can prevent it making a nest in your hair. This is as far as I got for now, and that is enough for me. But please understand, that this takes time, and I mean a whole lot of time. I only noticed some changes after like 8-9 months. 20 something years of conditioning doesn't change overnight.

    What do you think? Was this answer helpful to you?
     
  5. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I hope that you will be strong and your guy manages to put behind pmo for good. My then-gf was very supportive, I could always talk to her about feeling weak. I returned her kindness with not messing up once, I think it was a fair deal.

    It might seems like that I'm proud that I never slipped up, and that's because I am. But it is cruical that there has to be a last time when someone PMOs. Making progress is good, but our goal should be giving it up forever. And if you mean forever, that means that there is a "last time". So, why delay the inevitable?

    Also if someone asks me "So, how did you quit porn and masturbation?" my answer is "By not watching porn and masturbate." And this is like kindergarten level, like "yeah, no shit", but a lot of people here seem to miss this.

    One more thing, in how you can help him. Be proud of him whenever he stays clean. Say it as often as possible. Men needs respect to function, and this will strenghten him beyond he can ever imagine. But don't tolerate relapses. Stay firm.
     
  6. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Wow, your response sounds like something he probably is thinking. He's talked about bring around men who onltly objectify women, his family, coworkers, friends, his therapist said to go find new people to be around who do not live the lifestyle he wants to get away from, which is true. I can understand the distortment in views because he basically grew up thinking it was "normal" and with the creation of online porn, well how could you not totally brainwash yourself when you're watching it dat and night. His problem is simply not over watching but being taught these incorrect principals and add on what you say about sexuality exposed on the world is double whammy. It's true that you see sex every where, its what sells, its what's in marketing, its what going kids learn, young girls think showing their bodies will make them ruch and famous and getting ATTN because the home life is broken is probably a good feeling too but its all wrong. Society has gone down hill in a lot of ways but I do believe there is still alot of good that exist in pockets. Just have to find those people. First and foremost he needs a total rehaul on his past and to learn the right wats to treat a woman and be with a women and respect them. It will be a hard journey but I believe any person who wants real change can do it. Unfortunately many need to go through that lowest point for reality to hit them and they want to change. He hit that point almost 2 mos ago and was ready to do what it takes for change, I applaud him for starting therapy and he's continued but I see hrs starting to skip in other aspects like not being more diligent with finding accountability partner, not reading up more on the disease, etc. It took a few Tiff's before he once again pushed himself to do it. He did find a AC, I asked him to please try to stick with it. Only time will tell, I can't be his mom and keep on him to do the things he needs to do to get better. It also creates stress between the relationship when I have to mention things like please try to stay away from the internet, even if he's looking for regular things like sports articles, there's always some advertisement with a half naked girl 8(. He gets annoyed by my reminding him but deep down inside I know he knows I'm right. His disease is fighting him and me. As for the objectification, it took you 8 mos to not look at every attractive girl sexually? Was this due to rewiring in your brain to get the images out so that when you looked at someine it wasn't as intense because you had not looked at porn for a long time? Or was it more due to your own awareness and training yourself to realize it's wrong and unhealthy? I'm wondering how much if recovery is biochemical from the brain changes and how much is self awareness and work?...
     
  7. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, I meant his family, friends, coworkers objectify women and his therapist said to find new ones and people who have the values he wants to have.
     
  8. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    First, please accept my apologies fir typos, im typing on my phone. You said your married now right? Congrats on that! I don't think it's as easy as just not watching when it's an addiction in your brain, when you have screwed it up so badly that you dont even know what normal is anymore and your body and brain can not function without the dopamine hit8( just like drug addicts or alcoholics, its crazy to believe that porn can create the same effects without the chemicals. I want to thank you for reaching out and sharing your story and views, you're really helping me out here. I have alot more to say and ask but I'm off to work now, will write when I return. Thank you so much again.
     
  9. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    I do my best. When he switched therapists to a specialist in this field I told him how proud I was of him 3 times throughout the conversation. He repays with a shrug of the shoulders or just saying "I haven't done anything to make you proud. I only hurt you for my slip ups" it makes me so sad because I want him to feel proud of himself too.

    Just last weekend he MO again and his argument is "I only did it to release stress. I was not lusting. I wasn't even looking at porn or anything just my imagination" he can't sleep until he MO because "he's so stressed from work and working on himself" which I believe. He just got a huge promotion at work at now has to speak in front of a lot of people every day and that is stressful. But I tell him there are other ways to handle stress. He literally said "masterbating is a normal thing everyone does it and it's even healthy. It is impossible for me to never do it again. It's a part of life" this made me very sad. BUT on Monday he came to me and said "I'm done. Forever. I am abstaining from PM and when we get to the point we can be intimate again is the only time I will O. This is it." And then that day he set an appointment with the specialist (which is a 30 min drive as opposed to the 5 min drive from his last therapist).



    @Veritech
    Yes I very much so see myself having a family with him we talk about it almost every day we have our kids names picked out even haha. I love him so much. I just wish he didn't have this horrible black cloud hanging over him. :(
    So I'm doing my best and I've told him that I am young. And my dream is to be a mother. And never get divorced like my family was. I want that more than anything. So he knows if he doesn't get it together I will leave for good because I will not pit my dreams aside for this. I really appreciate your input it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Thanks again.
     
  10. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Objectification and obsession as in
    Yes helpful thanks! To explain in detail -Every time he sees a women who is attractive or dressed in tight or scantily clad clothes he seems zoned out looking at them, not the normal look and look away deal but like he's entranced, when he's with me he tries to look away but I can see the extreme nervousness in him, not sure if nervousness due to his guilty feeling for looking at them or nervous because I'm there and he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Did you do this with your then gf? It's as though all that's on his brain is sex when he sees a female and I'm wondering if it's due to the extensive amount of porn watched and the warping of the brain to make all women into sex objects and sex scenes he may have seen. I guess that's what years and years of porn watching does to you, it stimulates the mind to search for that next dopamine hit 8(. I truly am hoping that abstaining from porn will reverse this effect of looking at women like a dog looks at a bone because it is extremely hurtful and self deflating to my ego when it happens. I dread going out in public sometimes with him because it becomes uncomfortable to me. I know I shouldn't think he is necessarily wanting to bed these women or thinking they are more attractive, etc. But it's hard not to when it's clearly visible how nervous he gets when he sees a attractive women. What I can only think about this situation is how he was when we first met, he was like the dog looking at the bone, very attracted to me and showed alot of ATTN and affection, as time has passed (almost a year of dating)i think his porn brain is shifting his head to search for that next image/girl to get that next dopamine hit because he's desensitized to looking and being with me, just as porn addicts are with each clip they watch and needing to change to another girl and another scene to get that high. It's all very sad to think that porn has screwed up so many people's minds in this manner, its like being a programmed robot and brainwashed. I try to not take things personally and realize it's side effects of the addiction but its hard because as a woman you want to be appreciated, loved and cherished the right way. I realize however, no matter how much I try to dress up, be attractive, that as long as he has not rewired his brain, it will be searching for that next scene (girl) for another high. I guess I question is this really the case or is he just one of those guys who just have problems with controlling their hormones. Weird thing is I never noticed these tendencies until he moved into my place 7 mos into the relationship, I don't believe he stared at women that way or atleast I never noticed, its only since the revelation of his porn habit came to light that he's been acting very nervous when we see other women while out, so perhaps it's just his guilt of knowing I now know. I think the stresses of being in something so serious caused some catastrophic mental event that made him view porn even more then usual after he moved in and then it went off the rails and escalated. I also have to add that he's had some emotional issues with his childhood and porn was his crutch, this is the only way he's known to get some relief, he's working with a therapist now to find the root cause and that is how we found out about why he is addicted to porn. This is one of the main reasons I am trying to hang in there, I know his issue is something more then just wanting to objectify because he really doesn't want to, I don't think any man really wants to feel or behave this way. For him its years and years of hurt, shame, secrecy that he has not been able to talk about and have some type of understanding and closure and now all the excessive porn has damaged his brain and thinking of what is normal. I give him so much credit for taking the step for going to therapy, for an alpha male it is huge! Everyone deserves love (well, mostly everyone). The broken deserve a chance to be fixed. I just come here trying to understand the addicts mind sets, to get some outlook and support and hope it will lead me to the answers I search for. Is he too broken to be fixed? Is it possible with the rewiring and therapy to stop this disease from eating away at his mind and soul? Or is it just who he is and I have to accept some people need to just be left alone and exist in their circumstances.
     
  11. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    I just want to validate your feelings and let you know that I'm in the same boat. Your story is basically my story too. Almost to a T. Especially objectifying women part. When my bf and I go out I noticed him looking at the floor or focus on something other than the people around us. Or if I see him staring at another woman I will grab his hand to bring him back to the present. We saw a movie the other day and a strip club scene was in it and he just looked at the floor until it was over. That makes me feel good but I hate that it has to be that way. And who knows what he's doing when I'm not out with him? But worrying about that won't change the situation it will only mess with my head. You're not alone in how you are feeling and I just wanted to let you know that. I'm glad you and @EarthDragon came across my thread because reading all of this is helping me too.
     
  12. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad I saw your post because both your post and earthdragon have been informative as well as supportive.
    What I have been doing lately is "pretend" that the girl passing us on the street or the waitress, etc... Isn't a deal. If we make it a deal it becomes one, now it's just the elephant in the room that has to eventually be addressed, hopefully it will be kicked to the curb. My hope is that he is only behaving this way more so because his secret is revealed and its the guilt and shame making him behave this way out of respect for me. I have never noticed this issue before during our initial stages of dating until 5 months into the dating when we started getting really serious, they say using porn is a way of acting out due to stress or atleast that's always been his reason and how he dealt with stress so perhaps the seriousness to our relationship exacerbated the problem to lead us where we are today. maybe the gawking use to occur but wasn't apparent to me and I'm only now noticing because the cats out the bag, not quite sure. I would hope this will not be continued in the future as if it is and does, I rather not be in a relationship that makes me feel insecure about myself, even if it's not intentional. Hence my question to anyone on here that is or was an addict, what their personal feelings and experience has been in regards to the objectifying and gawking at women in public, is this just a side effect of too much porn but will stop or atleast be very reduced once the brain is rebooted or if this is a separate issue that probably won't change. Earthdragon has been great and I thank him for his views on it. It's sad but true that getting a more honest and open answer from a stranger going through the addiction is easier and feels more honest then to ask our sig other because you never know if they are telling the whole truth or sugar coating to not hurt our feelings. Thanks for your post!


    QUOTE="bbq, post: 492212, member: 68050"]I just want to validate your feelings and let you know that I'm in the same boat. Your story is basically my story too. Almost to a T. Especially objectifying women part. When my bf and I go out I noticed him looking at the floor or focus on something other than the people around us. Or if I see him staring at another woman I will grab his hand to bring him back to the present. We saw a movie the other day and a strip club scene was in it and he just looked at the floor until it was over. That makes me feel good but I hate that it has to be that way. And who knows what he's doing when I'm not out with him? But worrying about that won't change the situation it will only mess with my head. You're not alone in how you are feeling and I just wanted to let you know that. I'm glad you and @EarthDragon came across my thread because reading all of this is helping me too.[/QUOTE]
    becausE
     
  13. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    becausE[/QUOTE]





    You got that right girl! I'm always on this site because it gives me comfort that others DO feel like I do and it's normal to feel these things. Most importantly I can now realize I AM ALLOWED to feel sad mad hurt disrespected deceived paranoid worried self contious and every other feeling out there. Because I have a reason to feel this. But I am learning to deal with it and reminding myself every single day I DID NOTHING WRONG and it's not my fault.

    I believe his staring and gawking will subside the further he gets into treatment. My bf was the same way but like I said earlier he doesn't do it anymore. And if he does he recognizes it's wrong and stops. He's more aware of it now. Things really changed when he just hit his lowest low and fell to the floor crying "I don't want to live like this anymore!" it broke my heart but was a great wake up call for him.

    As for the "stress" excuse. ... That was my bf's favorite line until I finally called bullshit on it the other day. While he's at work today I am making a list of healthy things to release stress for him. :)
     
  14. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    That's a great idea! I'm trying to find healthy things for my bf too but he's done pretty well of thinking of things himself too, he's been exercising alot and playing basketball and video games, sometimes it's so hard because you start to think, is this going to be my future? Am I gonna be his mother? His parole officer? And/or it becomes just a friend's thing because you lose the love and interest due to all the stress and work it takes?...
    How long have you been going through this? Also, my one advice is to really try to be patient and not lash out in times of anger, our last fight was horrendous, I said some very terrible and regretful things, im sure we caused some damage with our hurtful trade offs and if it ever happens again like that, we are done, we can not live a life acting that way, no matter how mad we are at each other, their was once love and dignity, I rather end it like that then in hate and hurting each other out of anger because if this disease, he doesn't deserve it, neither do I. We all have to realize that we are choosing to stick it out, we have to educate ourselves on this, which is why I'm here. I have since come to terms of why he is behaving the way he is and instead of being so angered and disgusted I have found myself to have some empathy and understanding. This does not mean I'm stupid or will be taken advantage of. I'm willing to give this my all and see how he does on his end. So far he has continued therapy, we read self help books together and we just started the sex aholics anonymous book together, we're going to try to do the steps one by one. I recommend getting the Terry crews book, it was an interesting read, maybe you both can incorporate things to do together like reading so that you feel together against this instead of seperate. He has had one relapse since the revelation of this issue came to light almost 2 mos ago and it was due to arguing, the arguing does not help, it only brings more stress, confusion and distance. I feel better that he wants us to do these things together, it shows me real effort and interest. We alternate books and read a chapter each night. For you I recommend a book called codependent no more, we just started reading that together too. Most people who "stick it out" with addicts tend to be codependents, take care of yourself or you will be taken advantage of or atleast you will feel you are because you will go leaps and bounds to fix things while the addict will feel you will take care of it all. I find I've been more calm about things and less paranoid and less angry, my head seems to be sinking in the thought that I should not be trying to control another person's bad behavior, nor am I responsible so if he chooses to go down the dark path where I feel I can not follow, I must be strong to go my own way. Read on books that will be helpful to you, if you are better and more understanding of your own self you can better help him without lashing out. Thank God for this site! 8)
     
  15. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    A guy is like a used car.

    The car is a nice colour, perhaps a convertible. You really love the car. You feel good driving the car. You get noticed in your car.

    The problem is, your car keeps breaking down and the costs of repair are no longer affordable. Now your car needs a major repair. You cannot afford it. Your car will not drive, unless you pay a substantial repair bill.

    You make a decision. It is time to rid yourself of the old car and purchase a new one.

    It's nobody's fault. You are going to miss the old car, the colour, the feel of driving it. But the old car is no longer sustainable. If you cannot drive the car, what use is it to you? You don't owe it to the old car to keep fixing it each and every time it breaks down.

    After driving the new and better car, you will move past the feelings of missing the previous vehicle.
     
  16. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Lol, I wish it were that simple, that is where most men and women differ, men do not attach or connect like women, they are visual creatures looking for the next hot car as where women just want a reliable one regardless of its looks 8( why couldn't I be born more selfish, sigh>>>.... But I know you are right, just as we've survived through other heartaches and heart breaks we can survive through this too, but I'm a stupid hopeless romantic and I believe in loyalty. I just need to figure out if this can be fixed, however I do know it is worth the fix, aside from this attrocious disease, my sig other and I are like best friends, we laugh endlessly and we havexalpyxif similar things between us. If only this disease wasn't there, we would be the perfect match. So I'm here givibgvit my all, reaching out to all that can offer advice and guide me where I've never been
     
  17. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    @Hanging by a thread

    Why are you saying men are selfish? The dude at the garage told you that the car you love will no longer drive. Yet your response is to keep turning the key and hoping that the car starts. I don't need a "hot" car, I need one that drives.

    Romance and loyalty go both ways. Your new car will drive better, it has bluetooth, passes the crash tests and will not always be in the repair shop.

    Does your current guy respect you? Does he romance you, buy you flowers? After a tough day does he rub your shoulders and try to console you? Does your pleasure matter to him when the two of you are intimate? Does his presence alone bring out the best of you? Do you glow with pride when you introduce him to your girlfriends?

    The last car just gave out. Why is it selfish to replace it with a better car?
     
  18. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm...no, I don't think so. By that time, I already practiced a little trick which came to my mind, and it was (and is) really helpful. I call it the "part of the scenery" trick. Basically what I mean is that when I see a hot girl in some revealing clothes, I (try to) act like it's just something really really ordinary. Like the asphalt on the road, or the trees, or the sky. Those things that your brain doesn't really notice on a conscious level. So I look and I look away, as I do like looking at a random parking car. Sometimes I say to myself: "Nothing to see here, nothing extraordinary, carry on, nothing is here".

    It doesn't prevent you from looking, but it does prevent from staring, and "zoning out" as you said it.

    I have every reason to believe that it does get better with time, with abscence of PM. It is a strange and uncomfortable feeling at first, because your brain has to slow down, when it doesn't get all the stimuli as before, but I think our brains are functioning at a higher level in the modern rushing world than it is healthy. It adjusts so it will seem natural after a while, but it burns away our energy and then all kinds of depression creep in.

    @Veritech You have every right to say that it's time for the girls to change their boyfriends, and likely you are right, but please keep in mind that should they find another guy, it is very likely that they are addicted to PMO as well. You know how prevalent this is, and they would have to start this all over again. I think for now it is better for them to try to fix their current relationship and deal with the evil they know.

    @bbq I very much agree with what you have wrote. I don't think I can add anything. :)
     
  19. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    You are very right about ridding of something that doesn't work for you anymore but its harder to do when you have an emotional connection and bond and love, but I realize you can't love the disease out of a person, there will have to be a moment of hitting rock bottom, something more then just getting busted for watching to realize it's his last straw as well. Your questions were enlightening as to our current circumstances, he doesn't do those things as you've written but i think due to addiction he's unable to be emotional and intimate because his brain is mush right now, i think it feels foreign because that's not what porn shows. Yes he did those things at the beginning (honeymoon stage). That tends to trail off in every relationship but since the exposure of his addiction hes changed alot from when we met. Our relationship actually was very great, we fell hard and fast and I think that's what caused part of him going off the rails, he moved in like 7 mos into the relationship and that's when I saw the signs, he didn't even realize he was addicted. I think the stress of finding this relationship he never had before brought him back to what all addicts do when they are stressed. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm only saying that since the revelation he's making the effort to get help, he's seeing therapist, he's reading books, he's trying to hang in there. The trick is how long and much he can do without falling back off the wagon and having it be too much for me. Till now I will wait till the mechanic puts in the new parts, tune it up and see if I can keep something I love, something that's had its share of dents and dings but is something I appreciate because of our time spent together. But, thank you for your brutal honesty, it does give me the strength and a good slap in the face to remind me that I can't wait forever and to think of myself. That's very important for me to remember so I thank you for that honesty and insight.
     
  20. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Hmm... Thanks for those tips, this is why I wanted to urge him to participate in the support sites. It's also important he meet up with positive supportive people with good ideas, instead of those still on the fence and not giving good tips and good support. Although he is apart of nofap he is still feeling awkward about it, I guess you can say it's part of the denial and resistance of his addiction. I think he feels like a "freak". But the more I've read with him and the more he reads others stories and sees that not only three eyed aliens exist here, the more comfortable he is getting to know this problem exist amongst all warps of life and doesn't make him any less of a person, its a terrible disease, who knew watching internet porn would brainwash you?.. He just found two accontability partners now that he checks on with every other day if not every few days, I prefer he put his mind to say I will go on every other day at the least instead of saying I'll go on when I can, its just a negative way to pursue this if you ask me but I have to remember I need to let him go at his own pace, this is his choice. In my eyes, If you knew you had cancer and had to get chemo, would you go when you felt like it. Maybe sex addiction is not as extreme but it still is killing your core and taking away your life, only just slower and more mentally agonizing. But again, maybe it's just my own thoughts and what he really means is he will be committed to every other day, I think sometimes for the addicted, the fact that someone is telling you to do something makes you want to go against it because you feel controlled so I will let it be, I try to be positive and say, well you know what you should do so I'm not gonna be your mom and check on it. Hopefully he will not allow himself to slip into abyss, get remorseful and start over again. As for now his actions have been good and I see not only a desire to try but actions behind it. The two biggest obstacle remains his inability to be in public and not objectify women, even as he tries to look away, its still very uncomfortable for us both, I hope with time, as some of you have mentioned, that this side effect will get better, I know it will never go away and i can accept that but to be at a place where we can atleast go out and see an attractive girl and him not gawk unknowingly would be OK for me. I imagine his damaged brain is just searching for that next image to get a dopamine hit, or atleast that's what I tell myself, so if it rewires maybe the seeking for the next image will lessen as well. Second obstacle being what I feel is lack of real intamacy, he says he loves me all the time, hugs me and we snuggle at nifht but it doesn't feel whole, it feels mechanical at times, as though he does it because it's something he knows he should do instead of something he really feels, hard to explain it. We have no issue on Ed, we are pretty sexually active and oddly I think he's done good with no porn, for someone's who's watched it 15+ years of his life every day, his ability to give it up the past month and a half except for the one setback from an argument is amazing. But we talk about his online habbits with social media and stuff, I want him to know that even though he's not watching porn directly, watching ads and fb posts of friends or friends of friends who post sexual stuff is just as bad and only hindering his brain recovery, its not like its his fault there are sexual ads everywhere and I can't expect him to totally shut out all of his past habbits of online reading and keeping up with friends and family on fb.
    Your tips on getting to a place of intamacy is interesting, did you do this yourself with your partner? How were you able to just touch without it leading to sex? Wouldn't that make the situation worse by making him excited but stopping the built up sexual tension without release? Wouldn't he want to search for release online if we got to that point of touch without O? And as for your comment about me becoming his fantasy to replace the other may make me feel uncomfortable?.. I'm not sure what that means but if you are saying I can become what he fantasizes about with porn, I don't think that's the answer, porn addiction like most addictions are progressive, I can wear as much lingerie, stockings, change my hair, my personality during sex as many times but it still remains the problem, its not normal to desire such extremes or constant changes, it will only cintinue to tell his brain to search for that next clip that can excite him because the damaged brain will eventually need the next high. It's like giving a child candy to pacify his crying, the candy taste good but is not good for him and he'll eventually want more or something else. Porn addiction to what I understand is wanting and desiring of the next dopamine hit, the unknown, the taboo, the thrill of each new sexual thing, which if that's the life you want to lead, I'm not one to judge, go for it, but if a man says I want a family, a wife, kids, a normal life, and not obsessing over the next sexual hit and being controlled by that, you have to get real treatment for the addiction.
    How is your relationship now? Are you still on nofap due to a setback or here just to lend support to others? Thanks for taking the time out to offer suggestions and thoughts.
     

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