Resentment will be the death of me

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bbq, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    I feel guilty about it but I just need to get this off my chest.

    My boyfriend has an addiction to PMO. so severely that he can't have sex with someone in real life anymore. We haven't been intimate for about 9 months maybe longer I don't even remember the last time we were. But he can MO for porn and his imagination... But not for me. I know it's the addiction I really do. But I can't help to feel insanely jealous. Of everyone ! Him and I want to see that new movie suicide squad coming out soon we watched the trailer and Harley Quinn's costume is basically a shirt and underwear and she acts really sexually. So after we watched that I was bitter towards him the rest of the night. He didn't even do anything. He literally did not deserve me to be bitter to him. I eventually apologized to him and explained when I see a woman on tv or on a magazine that is insanely beautiful or scandalous looking I just get so mad! I get jealous , sad, hurt, pissed, annoyed. I feel SO guilty by taking out my frustrations and feelings about the women on him. He understands why and I'm trying to work on this but it's so hard! And he has been doing so well in his recovery and I'm so proud of him. I am supportive and loving to him when I'm not triggered. But when I am triggered I will ignore him for hours or be short with him or yell at him. I can't control it. It's not fair to him. :(
    It's overwhelming sometimes because this crap is everywhere. There is no escaping. Sex sells so it's all over the place. This behavior is so out of control I've lost 27 lbs since February. In a very unhealthy way I'm not proud of it. I spend more time on my make up too. I'm trying to look like all the airbrushed women in tv which is impossible to achieve. But since I've been doing that him and I actually made out! For the first time since December. (I'm 26 and he's 32.)

    Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me? I think I do this because he gets off to all these other women so easily but not with me. (Not by choice I know I know)

    Anyone who decides to comment on this please be nice. I'm already beating myself up about this and I know it's wrong but I just wanted to get it out there and see if I'm alone in this or not...
     
    Twc777, oreogirl, TheWife and 2 others like this.
  2. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    First of all, please try not to beat yourself up so much. You're a good person in a bad situation, and you're doing your best to cope. You should be proud of the fact that you've stuck with him through all this turmoil. You're sticking with him and trying to help him in his recovery, but it's very tough on you as well. You're tense and frustrated and exhausted, and it's inevitable that sometimes it will boil up to the surface and cause you to lash out at him. It seems like he understands this and forgives you, so you should forgive yourself as well.

    That said, this is obviously something you need to work on. Not because it's "bad" or "evil" or anything like that, but for the practical reason that your strength and serenity will help him in his recovery. And his recovery is the most important thing in both your lives right now.

    If you can, try to think of the addiction as something that's separate from him. It happens to be attached to him, but it's NOT him. The addiction has done things that have damaged the relationship and caused you pain. But HE hasn't. If you can focus your anger and frustration on the addiction, not him, I think it will be easier for you to manage your emotions.

    You and your boyfriend are fighting a common enemy. Together, you are incredibly strong, but you need this combined strength. This enemy is TOUGH AS HELL and you need to put all your energy into this fight.

    God bless both of you. Keep fighting.
     
    RisingPhoenix77 and about a girl like this.
  3. Iwillsuceed

    Iwillsuceed Fapstronaut

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    I want to comment cause you I't sounds like you're desperate. I'm not an expert of every single problem above but I'll do my best to give you advise. So the problem is that you focus your anger on him instead of the things that actually make you angry right? Since you can't really let steam of by ripping magazines apart of smashing your tv I suggest that you write it down. That really helps for me when I'm pissed of. Just write it down and when you're done just burn it. Or you can make a new thread to let off some steam you don't necessarily need to burn it. Also what @Placeholder said. It's not him it's the addiction.

    One thing that I really really want to urge you is not to develop an eating disorder. You already said it yourself it is unhealthy. You are enough for him and you know he doesn't want you to beat yourself up or starve yourself to lose weight. I bet he would tell you the same ;) You can do this together!!!
     
  4. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    @bbq
    Hi :) You are fortunate your boyfriend is trying ... that is encouraging :)
    Yes.. sex sells I went to see dead pool and yes they had strippers and such and correct it sells to men otherwise it wouldn't be interesting to them .. men are visual creatures ..
    My ex is still addicted I walked in on him many times and it looked ridiculous .. I even told him glance over at the mirror you're all alone looking really sad .. He laughed it off but in reality it's still a sad story :( I left him .. Sometimes porn will make woman feel insecure agreed and just recently I was like really why am I feeling like I'm not good enough ?seriously my ex is balding and out of shape and here we are so worried about our looks?? I don't think so .. It's the addiction it makes them out of touch with real woman .. also who do they have to look good for? pixels ? Btw I think Jared Leto is hot he is the joker no ? Enjoy yourself if you see the movie :) .. About losing weight I can't say much cause I have my issues with that subject less related to my ex .. It's my own personal demon I must conquer that and cigarettes .. Be very happy he is trying for the relationship and is thoughtful about your feelings and not brushing you off .. You're a smart woman you and him can work through this ..
     
    tyler007 and Placeholder like this.
  5. Placeholder

    Placeholder Guest

    bbq, just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing today. I hope you're having a better day. Stay strong!
     
  6. tyler007

    tyler007 Fapstronaut

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    @bbq

    I think it is way too much for you.

    I also think that the biggest issue is that you don't feel APPRECIATED for everything you are doing.

    I hope that what you do is unique and that there are not many people who are willing to endure so much pain.

    I am on NoFap for over an year. (I was clean for 159 days)

    //

    Consider this:

    You are 26 and you feel all that pain.

    What would you need to do in order to have this sorted in several months?

    I mean to feel really well and happy.

    Maybe you should sit down together and discuss a plan or a road map and then dedicate a time to the NoFap. (3 months, 4 months, 6 monts your choice)

    //

    To the women in TV, Porn, Toothpaste adds.

    You are right, sex is everywhere.

    Girls wearing Leggins, Push Ups and all that crazy stuff.


    But for a guy when he loves a girl it is not just about that.

    I would say that when I loved a girl, I mean loved the moments.

    When you look at her and you know, that she knows that I know.

    When you leave a present under pillow and leave her place and imagine how will she feel when she discovers it.



    I mean those girls in porn are just alien looking women with much less of that cute female energy...

    //

    When I feel down, I always watch The Encounter. It could help you...
     
  7. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    I cannot thank all of you enough for your support. It really helped me get through the weekend. @Placeholder I love how you said "the addiction is damaging our relationship not HIM." I tried to really focus on that that was an excellent piece of advice and thank you for checking in on me too. I had a very busy weekend so I wasn't on here at all. I'll get to the update below.

    @Iwillsuceed I used to journal a lot but seemed to have lost interest in it but I'm going to try it again. Writing problems down does feel better. As for the unhealthy eating.. I think he's catching on he keeps making me food and watches me until I eat it. Yestersay I even bought two intense dieting pills on a whim. My depression is so bad all food tastes like cardboard so it makes me not want to eat anything I've never been this extreme before ... Feeling very hopeless.

    @about a girl how did you know enough was enough with your ex? How did you find the strength to leave him? If you don't mind me asking. And my bf and I saw dead pool together too. I was having such a great time laughing so hard until the stripper scene came on and it ruined the whole movie. I didn't laugh once after that and I was so mad. My bf looked at the floor until the scene was over but he went to a strip club and got a lap dance and lied to me about it a while ago so when those kinds of things come on tv that's the first thing I think of :( but yeah I agree Jerald letto looks really good! lol

    @tyler007 i looked up that movie and it sounds very interesting. I'm going to search for it on Netflix today and watch it. Thank you for the suggestion. You're right I don't feel appreciated i feel like a failur. I'mbtrying my hardest to be supportive and help him but he always slips up. I can't do this the right way. But I'm not a professional I'm just trying to be a shoulder to lean on. And listening ear. You know? It's frustrating any thing I do don't good enough !
     
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  8. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Here's an update about the weekend:
    Last week I decided to move back in with him. I've been moved out since January. He's constantly going to therapy. Taking his meds. Being totally transparent and honest.
    Friday we talked about the ground rules for me to move back in.
    1.) COMPLETE honesty no matter what it is.
    2.)TOTAL transparency no matter what it is. (If he's feeling weak, needs a distraction, or slipped up.)
    3.) he would call me when he gets a really bad urge and is about to MO so I could talk him down. If he just couldn't fight it then we agreed he would tell me he slipped up NO HIDING ANYTHING

    He said "yes I can do that!" So I was really happy and I asked him what does he need from me or I can help him with better? He said nothing. I'm doing everything i can be doing just right. Great! Things go smoothly.

    Saturday he woke me up at 5am says he was feeling weak and needs my help. So I wake up we drink coffee together make breakfast I'm trying to distract him the best I can. Talked about where we want to travel and looked at puppies together online (we really want one! Another good distraction to have!) so he was feeling fine. The urge passed him! I had a baby shower to go to at 10a and didn't get back to his house until midnight (went to dinner with my mom and ended up taking a nap there) before I left we came up with a plan for when I was gone to keep busy. He's working on a project in the yard so we was going to do that , wash his car, go for a drive, do some laundry, go for a walk, fix the garage door. We had a solid plan! When I came home he was mad at me for coming home so late I told him I fell asleep and he didn't try to contact me all day so I thought everything was ok. I just knew something was wrong I new he slipped up but I didn't ask him. I asked what he did that day and he did everything I already mentioned. So he didn't say he MO I thought great! Another successful day! Sunday came and we went to church went to his dad's birthday party had a REALLY good time together laughing and playing with their dog together. It was great. After that we had a wonderful evening. So we were laying down and he could tell something was wrong I just straight up asked if he MOd yesterday. Without hesitation he said yes.

    Can you imagine how hurt I was? Just the day before we agreed on total transparency and no lies. (I asked him what he did that day and he mentioned everything except MO session.) he broke our ground rules already!! I'm NOT mad he slipped up I'm mad he didn't respect the three things I asked for in his recovery.

    I don't mean to sound like a B in this next part but I just told him how I feel. Which I have the right to do.

    I really went off on him telling him how I feel. "It's not fair you get yours and I haven't had mine in 9 months." (That's right we haven't been intimate for 9months)
    "You MO with your hand but can't get it up with me" (I know the since behind it but i just wanted to say it out loud)
    "i feel deceived "
    "I feel disrespected. After we just set up those ground rules and the very next day you break them"
    "I feel like we are just best friends. Nothing more" we don't go on dates. We barely kiss. Made out one time this year. No sex in over 9 months.
    "Maybe moving back in isn't a good idea"
    "I want a family some day. We have to have sex to make a family. Chronic M reduces sperm count and being a mom is my dream" he laughed at that and said "well with how much I do it I'm sure I won't be able to have kids ever"

    Maybe I shouldn't have said what I did but I had to let him know how I feel. I WANT TO BE A TEAM.

    He told me his therapist told him not to tell me when he slips up. ......

    That information was NEVER passed along to me. He had a chance to tell me that Friday when we were establishing ground rules and he didn't. So that was his excuse "you and my therapist are confusing me. She told me not to tell you when I slip up. You want me to tell you. Idk what to do" I told him if he didn't want to tell me anymore HE SHOULD TELL ME THAT SO I WONT BE UPSET WHEN HE DOESNT TELL ME HE SLIPS UP!!! Am I asking for too much guys? If he's not going to be open and honest with me what's the point in staying in this relationship? I love him so much and it hurts me to see him struggling. I wish I could take his pain and suffering away but I can't.
     
  9. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    You seem to be a great partner and he is blessed from having you. I can understand your frustration. He seemed confused about telling you or not when he had a relapse. I would encourage you not to take this personal (although it affects you). This is his struggle and you want to be his partner but sometimes there are some things that every man has to do alone. Ask yourself whether this mas is worth the fight or not. Sometimes we might be stuck (like I was when I posted that I was confused) and we won't see any improvement if we don't take a different course of action. Helping him has been proven not to work.
     
  10. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    Besides going to therapy does your BF do anything else to try to stop his PMO addiction? It sounds like you are doing all the work. Also why have you not been able to be intimate for 9 months? Can't your BF "be there for you"?
     
  11. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    That is the hardest thing I've ever had to do: not take this personal. I am trying to think of it as my bf me and his addiction three different people. Youre right I just need to take a step back. I can offer my advice but know when to stop
     
  12. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Well he's not seeking a sex addict specialist just a regular therapist. I'm encouraging him to see the specialist because this is getting out of hand. So tonight he's looking into that. He's on meds for the first time in his life. He suggests we go for walks. He is going to church every Sunday which he hasn't done since he was a kid. So there are things he's trying he's strong when the urges aren't there but when they come around he said it's so powerful he can't stop himself.
    We haven't been intimate in 9 months because his addiction to PMO is so consuming that he cannot get an erection for real life sex. Lately since cutting down how much he does it he's been able to get like half an erection but not keep it for more than 30 seconds. Him and I both feel uncomfortable if he were to "just be there for me" I feel guilting MOing while he's dealing with it and I'm doing it. It's like drinking in front of an alcoholic. You know?
     
  13. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    @bbq
    To answer your question .. I knew it was time to end the relationship when he told me there is nothing wrong with porn and good luck finding a man that doesn't engage in porn .. The relationship was heading towards the friend zone no intimacy we went to a few parties together and he rarely touched me or held my hand .. I could be at work or the gym no texts in fact friends text me more than he did because when I was away he was fapping away and I hated feeling like the porn police .. I was engaged to him and it all unfolded once I moved in with him and he just didn't care .. I tried to be supportive and he just laughed it off really hurtful even telling me about the pornstars and xxx movies that pleasured him .. There was only so much I could do the rest he needed to do and he chose porn over me .. I am finally happy the SO's of a porn addict must be very patient it takes time a lot of time very stressful .. I wish my ex the best :)
     
  14. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Wow thank you for sharing that with me. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and have porn be chosen over you. At first my bf said there's nothing wrong with porn every guy watches it and I wouldn't understand because I'm not a guy. But after pointing out all the reasons why it's a problem it was like he was seeing it from someone else's POV. He was disgusted with himself and really stepped up to change. I'm so thankful for that. Which makes me hold on to the little bit of hope I have left ...

    I'm glad you're happy now. You deserve it after being the position you were in for so long :)
     
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  15. tyler007

    tyler007 Fapstronaut

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    @bbq

    Look when I was really down, I started to tap myself on the shoulder.

    I know weird, right?

    But sometimes, when you need it there is simply nobody to do that.

    Actually, now when I do that at work, colleagues come and ask what I did. Sometimes, they are pretty intrigued.

    What I am trying to say, It is a good thing to compliment yourself, when nobody does.

    You should be your own booster!
     
  16. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    Well, not he only had a problem with addiction he for sure was mean. How can someone chose porn over a real person? To be honest, what made me hate porn (now my aim is to avoid MO completely) was thinking that it wasn't any different from going to someone's house and MO in front of them. It made me realise I didn't want to be forever the "spectator". "How can I get aroused by something that is not being done to me?"

    P.D: Don't pay attention to my counter, I wanted it to say "MO" only but I'm a bit dumb on how to change it properly.
     
  17. FreedomFromLust

    FreedomFromLust Fapstronaut

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    So sorry you're going through this. I'm porn & lust addict myself and have been sober for 22 months. I've never been on your side of the street with porn addiction, but I can relate to the pain and craziness. It's like losing perspective on what's normal and healthy and good. It doesn't matter what people say. Deep inside we know. Sex and physical appearance are not what life's all about.

    One thing that's helped me when someone I love is addicted: whenever I'm trying to controll something that's out of my controll I'm asking for trouble. Then I get crazy too.

    Be well.
     
  18. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Positive self talk does work. I haven't done it a very long time and I think it's time for me to pick it back up. Thank you :)
     
  19. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    WOW congrats on 22 months! My bf's biggest struggle right now is lust. What are you doing to keep strong?
     
  20. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    Just my two cents. The distinction between the addiction, as if it were something outside is really not helpful. However it is a convenient thing to say if you don't want to take responsibility for your actions. "Oh it wasn't me, it was my addiciton!" I call bullshit on that.
    Also, the term "struggle" is often misused. If you want to PMO but you don't, that's a struggle. If you indulge in PMO that's not struggle, that's "I don't give a rats ass". With that out of the question, I think your boyfriend is more "I don't give a rats ass" than "struggle".

    And you know why? Because there are no real reprecussions. He PMOs, then you get angry, sad, hurt yourself (which says that you have your own issues which you should take care of right now), then you understand him, you two promise all kind of things that will not be kept, because the words doesn't mean a damn thing anymore, since no one keeps them anyway. And this goes on indefinitely, in cycles.

    So what I'd say to him: "Okay dear, now it's time to cut the crap. Next time you PMO, it's over." And you mean it. Next time he goes "I don't give a rats ass" on you, you dump him. No exceptions.
    Give this quitting pmo stuff some weight. Raise the stakes. Let's see what he is really made of. Meanwhile, you can tend to yourself, because if two injured people get on the rail so to speak, it will not be a smooth ride, but will end in a trainwreck sooner or later.

    Otherwise, if you keep everything as it is, fast forward two years and you can copy paste your current posts, and the only thing that changed is that you became two years older.

    Sorry if this was harsh, but I felt it was necessary. I did not want to imply that this is easy, but who said it will.

    Also, I don't speak out of thin air, my then GF told me the same thing, either I quit and we'll be happy together, or she walks away. I did not like that option, so I quit. No relapse since the second try, and now we are happily married.

    I pray for strength for you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2016

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