Replaced by teen girls

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    My husband and I have known each other for almost five years and up until recently enjoyed (in my opinion at least) an exceptionally happy marriage. Very early on in our relationship, he confessed to me that he wasn't a very sexual person. Masturbation was something he didn't like, porn something he didn't watch; "I'm not like other guys", he said. At that time, I had a vibrator that I had bought during my year as single woman, and after expressing his dislike for me having one of those, I got rid of it (for me, that wasn't important anyway). It was hard to not have sex as often as I wanted to (5 times a week or more) but I got used to it. Here I had this fantastic loyal beautiful person in my life, a wonderful gift that I couldn't believe I deserved. So many times I thought to myself; "this is too good to be true, a woman can't be this lucky". We used to joke that satisfying me in bed was another chore to do, like paying bills or washing dishes, and I could laugh about it. Now, thinking back to that time of blissful ignorance, my blood turns to ice.

    One day I sat alone on the bed when his phone received a notification. From out of nowhere, I instinctively knew that it was something wrong. It was a message from a woman on messenger, an app which he had uninstalled. For some reason I installed it back and there it was, pictures of her private parts, intertwined with conversations in spanish. Devestated, I confronted him, and when he told me that it was all a big joke (he had just joked around with her for fun), I believed him. I believed him! I unpacked my bags (I had threatened to leave) and knowing his fondness for antics, I did my best to forgive him, which I did.

    In the spring of 2018, out of nowhere, his personality started to change. From being loving and protective of me, he started to grow increasingly cold and distant. My attempts to cheer him up didn't work at all and it got progressively worse, with him leaving the room as soon as I walked in, no good morning kiss, and eventually, not even a "good morning". The sexlife had gone from bad to worse, with him all soft and abscent. I started to grow more and more fearful of him, devestated by his lack of emotions, beside myself with worry. What had I done to loose his affection? Was he depressed? When pushed about it, he immediately became irritable, angry, even physical at times. Pushed further, he stopped talking to me altogether with silent treatment sessions that could go on for days. I started waking up constantly in the night with the thought that something was terribly, terribly wrong. One day he said he was leaving to buy a new watch and my heart started to pound like crazy. Was he in fact going to see someone else? Paranoid to the point of no longer recognizing myself, I watched him comb his hair and put on his nicest clothes and that's when I fainted in pure terror.

    Recovering from my strange fainting, I knew I had to do something; he would never tell me what had happened to our relationship no matter how kindly or desperately I asked. So I went through his search history (sorry, not sorry) in the hunt for evidence of an affair, and there it was: Thousands of entries into a porn site with teenagers. Every day more teenagers. His location was switched on, so apparently; Teens at his work. Teens in the bathroom. Teens on the way to work. Teens every minute I had gone out for errands, to walk the dog, to buy him gifts, to visit my parents. Teens first thing in the morning on valentine's day (he had denied me sex that night) and, the day after valentine's. A message to a teenager on Facebook. All of our years together - teens. He denied everything, said it was pop ups, that it was his friend sending it (even before he first met that friend!), that he "didn't remember" and other things no functioning person could ever believe unless they had some severe trepination done to their brain. He got extremely angry and physical, but now I knew, and my heart just... It just broke in a way I didn't know a heart could break.

    Two months have passed. We have spoked about what happened a little (his explanation being that he used the material solely to help with unwanted erections), but now I'm forbidden to mention the subject. If I bring it up, I will be punished with more silent treatment. "We have been over this, I have said everything there is to be said about it", he says, "and I won't do it (porn) again". Then he doesn't speak to me for days on end. I'm beside myself with grief over the rejection. It's like he has been with thousands and thousands of girls, all of them younger and better than me. I feel worthless, ugly, fat, old; a naive laughable joke. If he sees me crying, which I do a lot, he will leave the house. It's my problem now; it's like he has dumped this septic tank of mental poop on me and I'm drowning in it. I try to pull myself together, to go to therapy, to do daily activities that I used to love, but everywhere I look I see teenagers and I think of him touching himself, panting looking at them and I feel so grossed out I wish I was dead. I will end this extended rant with pointing out that I'm willing to do anything to help him, to love him, to not judge him or scream at him in anyway, to stand by his side. But how to reach out to someone that doesn't wanna speak about it or acknowledge my pain?
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
  2. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    @Lilla_My , I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

    Unfortunately, your husband is in the grip of a deathly addiction. As with any other addiction — heroin, alcohol, whatever — he will pull down everyone close to him.

    If he cared about his loss, and wanted to make good, there would be hope. But, he has shown that he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he has destroyed your relationship. He doesn't care that he has hurt you.

    I'm sorry… your only hope is to cut your losses. Leave him, or better, get him to leave you.

    It will hurt, badly, for a while. But then you'll heal, and you will be glad that you threw away that toxic poison. You will be free to find a genuinely loving man who does care when you hurt.

    I'm tagging @GhostWriter , who, I hope, will answer your post in greater detail.

    I always feel so sad when I see stories like this. I wish you the very best.
     
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  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, it means a lot that you cared to read and reply.
     
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  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Mordobarn is a knowledgeable voice of reason. Heed his advice. Whatever you think you are dealing with, it is likely much worse. Run. Wish I had.
     
  5. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    You story makes my heart weep. I cannot imagine your pain!

    You need to get help for yourself and make an exit strategy.
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    another voice of reason....
     
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  7. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    My heart breaks for you. This isn't your fault and you ARE GOOD enough for love and admiration. You deserve it. Sadly I feel the others are right. It may be time to cut your.lossws and move on. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change and you can't destroy yourself trying.

    Best of luck to you my friend. I hope you find happiness. And lean on this group. Everyone here is amazing.
     
  8. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Ummm.... Yes... Underage girls (pre-teen -18) are an enormous swath of "mainstream" porn. "Teen" is consistently one of the most searched terms. See Jagliana's post about Whatsapp and this article. https://techcrunch.com/2018/12/20/whatsapp-pornography/

    Everybody knows it and nobody cares - apparently, even men who have beloved teenage daughters themselves.
     
  9. Brown Sugar

    Brown Sugar Fapstronaut

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    My heart goes out to you in this time of sorrow and pain. Right now, your husband in a situation where your love, care and all the efforts would go in vain. Pls don't waist your time and energy on him as what I think is going to waist.

    At this point, it is almost impossible to make this change irreversible. I am a 29 yo male and I have also been through the infidelity. Knowing the fact that my gf is cheating on me I was constantly trying to save my relationship but in the end I was left miserable. I spent my hard-earned money on her, gave all the attention I could pay on her but she didn't give a damn to me.
    Pls understand that your husband is a cheater. All you can do is to take a stand for you and be courageous enough to deal with it or better dump him. Preserve your self-esteem bc it's the one of the most important virtues of human beings.
     
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  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your support, it means the world to me.
     
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  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much, I admire your bravery for dealing with this type of situation, it's one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with and I feel totally shipwrecked, lost at sea. Your words, all of you guys input, is a comfort, even though the message is difficult to digest since I come from a place of love for him.
     
  12. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Any time. We're all here for eachother
     
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  13. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    You love the man who he used to be.
    Not the man who he is now.
     
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  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    That is very, very true. I just can not comprehend how such a wonderful, intelligent, intellectual, strong, brave and good hearted person can turn into such a cold, inaccessible wall. Is this a common fenomenon?

    I should add, to his defence, that he has moments of being back to his old self again, although they don't last long.
     
  15. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

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    Mordobarn is right when he mentions that it’s just like a heroin addiction.

    I know you said you’re going to therapy. That’s great. You need to be able to talk to friends about this so you’re not going through it alone. Do you have people like that in your life? Have you thought of joining a real life support group? I know that ‘Celebrate Recovery’ has support groups for SO’s of sex addicts.
     
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  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Mordobarn.
    Oh no! And so it begins!
    RED FLAG: Act of Deception. You set it aside because you didn't have sufficient evidence to support it being anything more than that. OK. Moving right along.
    RED FLAG #2: Changes in Personality
    RED FLAG #3: Declining sex life
    RED FLAG #4 & #5: Soft as in PIED & Absent (during sex)
    Now we're getting beyond RED FLAGS, and moving into further darker territory. First of all, why were you fearful of him? Was it because he became "...physical at times..."? Can you please elaborate? RED FLAG #6: "...irritable, angry..." We can throw in RED FLAG #7: Depression for good measure.

    Now, about that "...lack of emotions..." on his part concerning yourself enough "...with worry..." and "...What had I(you) done to loose his affection?..." The one word answer? NOTHING! You did absolutely nothing. This is all him my dear. Nobody else. You did nothing to earn it. You did nothing to deserve it. This is his addiction taking control over everything that is functioning within him. Pure, unadulterated, addiction!
    This is a form of abuse in as much as the physical stuff is (which I'm hoping to learn more about here later).
    Well, you weren't wrong. Just what you have said thus far has yielded 7 RED FLAGS. I'm quite certain there will b many more.
    If you are to a point of fainting, now we're affecting your health. That's unacceptable. This has got to change.
    Well, let me say that first I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Second, go file a restraining order of protection against him. No man, I don't give a damn who he is, has any right to get physical with you. NONE! This needs to STOP immediately.

    RED FLAG #8: Teens, Teens, & more Teens.
    Question: What age group were these teens? Are we talking about adult age teenagers (18+)? If it is under the age of consent and ephebophilia (15-19) or hebephilia (11-14), or pedophilia (prepubescent), DON'T ANSWER THAT HERE and let's take this discussion offline to a PM where I can help you with it.

    RED FLAG #9: Denials upon overwhelming evidence.
    Forbidden? Really now? Hmmm! I don't f'ing think so!
    Yeah this is emotional abuse you can add on top of the physical abuse.
    Well OK then. He is threatening. He is intimidating. He is manipulating. He is bullying. All of this is encapsulated in his addiction which is clear by the aforementioned RED FLAGS I have already mentioned. We need to help you turn this over completely.
    Make no mistake. It's abuse to the core. And of course all of the "...thousands and thousands of girls, all of them younger are better than me(you)..." Or so they appear to be. THEY'VE BEEN AIRBRUSHED & PHOTOSHOPPED to death. They aren't any more real than their pixels on the screen. You can't compete with that garbage. Nobody can. They are all a fictitious imagination of some artist (if you can loosely call them that) out there. It's all a fraud. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but the fact is, none of us can ever live up to anyone you see digitally. Why? Because they have all been altered for appearances sake. Please don't ever compare yourself to any of these women. I've been around enough Playboy Bunnies to tell you, without a doubt, it's a good thing they have all that shit they put on their faces and bodies to cover up all of those blemishes. Otherwise, to steal a quote from "Steal Magnolias", "they look like hammered shit!" Don't you dare try to compare yourself to any of them. They couldn't possibly live up to your standards.
    Yeah, and yet you are none of those things. You are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. Remember that!
    Well, I don't wish you were dead. I think I can speak for everyone here in saying they don't wish you were dead. I know what this feels like to you, and it really sux. As long as he continues in this direction, you will continue to feel like the one whose wallowing in a cesspool of shit that he has dumped on you.
    That is so very courageous of you considering the shit he has you wallowing in. You should be nominated for sainthood.
    We'll start with Boundaries & Consequences. But look, I gotta tell ya, this is going to be a very tough row for you to hoe. This man has abused you in so many ways, and I'm going to be honest, it will likely result in you having to turn into the ultimate bitch, and slam dunk his belligerent ass with restraining order of protection. This is an individual that not only knows no boundaries, but is also hell bent on abusing you on so many levels. And when it is at this level, law enforcement is oftentimes the only thing they seem to really understand. But if/when you decide to go that route, you need to prepare yourself and do some pre-planning. Not only is he nowhere near receptive to the idea he has a problem, he's a narcissistic pompous asshole that will continue until someone has the wherewithal to stop it.

    Other than that, there is nothing more I have to tell you about his recovery as he has ZERO interest in recovering. You can bring a horse to water, but you sure as hell can't make them drink. Somewhere beneath all of this is a man somewhere. But I'm not seeing it. I wish I had better news for you, but I'm so sorry, I just don't at this time.
     
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  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you for your kind response. I haven't really reached out to friends, as I feel the common response to this kind of issue is "all men do it!" I feel like I'm the only person in the world who thinks that some men actually puts their relationships first and not feel the need to obsessively watch other women in the buff. I don't like to be branded as having too high expectations in my marriage, but maybe I do. I will definitively look into the possibility of joining a support group.
     
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  18. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, GhostWriter. I will start off with addressing some issues that might have been taking out of context; I do not think he has watched underage girls; he has simply pressed a category named "teens" to access a website quick. On that website, a very large and common porn site, there are women that looks VERY young (pigtails, no breasts, jumping up and down on old farts). He has not watched any of those (from what I've found from his history). I know that he has no interest in children. He has said that he prefers women roughly the same age as him (26). I have found NO indication that he has watched girls that are below 18, but I do find it incredibly disturbing that any man over the age of 20 would click on such a category in the first place; we are married adults.

    For being physical... Yes, he has been rough with me, nothing serious I might add, and only when cornered about his behaviour. What causes me the greatest distress is his immediate shut down if I try to speak or ask him about stuff. He says I should get over it, that it meant nothing, and I frankly don't have any idea how long a pain like this will last. Maybe I'm just being a nag or too sensitive? He has not been like this before at all. Dominant, yes, but fair and calm.

    Thanks again for your great post and input. I have learned a lot from what you've posted to me and to others in this less than satisfying situation.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2019
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  19. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well, don't! It's more common than you think. It's the mid brain at work. Not the frontal cortex. This is addiction, and it has no boundaries.
    Oh, I don't know. Forever? It will either get addressed, you two separate, one of you dies, or forever.
    And maybe, you just don't have the right set of tools yet. Boundaries & Consequences takes the ball out of your court, and places it squarely onto his. Let's not go down this "...Maybe I'm just being a nag or too sensitive..." road. You're neither.
    Yeah, but "Something to Talk About" has a lot more applicable lessons and material for you in this case. Perhaps you could make him a fine dinner to make up for all of your misgivings and distrust about him. May I suggest "Poached Salmon with Mint Mustard Sauce"
     
  20. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    Yes, addicts do this.

    A person becomes an addict because they're too immature to deal with their problems. If he were 10 years old, I'd understand. But at 26 and married, no.

    Once addicted, they will deny, deny, deny. The only time when they'll be nice is when you pretend that they're wonderful people who don't have any problems, and you're always to blame, and you encourage their addiction. Their problem will continue to get worse — it won't get better, it won't stay the same; it will get worse.

    Now that he's addicted to porn and masturbation, when this teen porn becomes boring to him, what addiction will come next? Expensive webcam porn? Strip clubs? Prostitutes? You don't know.

    So, you need to ask three questions:

    Do you want an addict as a husband for the rest of your life?
    Do you want this addicted man to be the father of your children?
    Do you want your children to have an addict as the father role model?

    Well, of course you don't.

    Sad to say, for your own protection, and the protection of your future children, you have to find a decent man who has the maturity to deal with problems instead of hiding behind an addiction.
     
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