Remember Why

Here am I again, sitting in front of the laptop trying to record my relapse at about 1:44 am in the night or morning. I am tired AF, hungry AF and afraid AF not of being alone but someone in my house waking up in the middle of night and seeing me cramming in the laptop late night giving them the suspicion of something bad.

Its 18 of Jan 2018, exactly one month before my birthday arrives on 18 of Feb. Quiet amazing isn't it? Except instead of being happy about it I'm just sad, sad of the constant reminder of what kind of loser I am all through this year. I know, I know you'll give me crap about failing is the step towards success but all I wanted was to fail better.After about four years of struggle I didn't wanted to fail like I usually did and kept trying all throughout this year and before and not even making a week of complete cleanliness. The sad thing is that I had everything I needed to stop myself and improve. The energy, the time, the opportunity, the purpose, the strength, the right reason, the environment, the support from loved ones, the peer pressure, the knowledge, the ideas/strategies and everything was in my knowledge to make me stop and it went through my fucking eyes just before I emptied everything in the toilet.

Today I am not going to tell you a new strategy, a new technique or a new idea to start your NoFap streak once again (that you'll figure out ourselves later on and we have already gathered so much material of why and how to stop PMO) and fail even badly the next time. Today I will only tell you the way I feel right now because we all know that before relapse everything in porn (and other stuff that causes arousal and excitement) feels great until you jack off and lose everything and at this time you feel the burden of your relapse and how porn was covering the reasons of you doing NoFap. Only at this time will you be able to tell exactly how you feel. All the sh*t you are telling yourself of why, how and what caused your relapse afterwards and how you can improve in the future and be better, all these ideas and thoughts coming to your mind is just because of this feeling of failure on your relapse cuz now you know the weight of it.

Therefore, first thing after my relapse of today I want to write down my feelings because these feelings are the only way I can connect myself of today to myself of future. You should know how I feel and maybe in the future reading this would end the urge of watching of watching porn again. I wish I knew of the way to make you feel right now the way I feel hopeless, alone, sorry, stupid, weak, etc. I wanted to achieve things like better physique, intelligent mind, good friends, and most of all healthy heart and look how I ended up. I can't look at myself in the mirror. If today's my last day I wish that I wouldn't have been this way. I wanted better of myself and what's even more heartbreaking is as I said before I had everything I possibly needed to improve and stay strong but just for temporary sweetness I walked in the trap of darkness.

I made great resolutions at the start of this year. But the way my behavior is towards my improvement, I think this year will also end up like previous ones in the past.

I like Arnold Schwarzenegger's quote: "While you're out there partying, horsing around, someone out there at the same time is working hard. Someone is getting smarter and someone is winning. Just remember that.” I think he's damn right. I must realize this before going in for PMO that there is a winning badass who is achieving and doing the things I wanted to do but I was held back because of my weakness towards myself.

Remember: Everybody wants to be a beast, until it's time to do what real beasts do.

The only question that should come to our heads is that the reason Why you are doing this NoFap. Why take so much trouble to refrain yourself from something that is natural. It's because you know how it harms you and others around you. You only knew that at your relapse and it is then you knew how it felt.

What are your goals for future. Who do you want to be. According to me, I want to be so strong that my temptations have no control over me. I am strong enough to defeat myself in order to do what is right. Then I want you to think how will the person you will be in the future respond when he looks at you at this moment. He would wish you knew what he does. And why go so ahead in the future. It's a constant reminder that when you relapse you regret it. There's never a time that you are proud of your setback and you feel that you achieved something. That never happens!

At the end you should start again trying harder. I want you to become something and when you in the future look back at what caused you to become so great then this note, this piece of writing would be where I started. It's because we are the writers of our books of life. We don't want something we don't like to be in that book.

 

Thanks Man for the support. It means a lot.
2 keys to self discipline:
1. Avoid temptations
2. Eat Healthy & Regularly. Avoid HALT.