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Religion and recovery

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by savedandhealing, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    I also posted this in the Christian group, but also want to post it here.

    Hi, everyone. I need your help and advice as I progress down the road of recovery. I am 28 and have been married for about 5 years, I have struggled with porn addiction and have cheated on a few occasions in emotionless one time encounters. These were basically anonymous encounters that did not involve vaginal sex, once a bj and the other few times a hj (cheating none the less). As I have matured I’m realizing that I’m living for so much more and no longer want to be burdened by this guilt and sorrow. Recently I prayed and asked for god to save and forgive me of my sins. I have been working hard to beat this addiction and read scripture. I read various things about if I should tell my wife or not. I never plan on going down this road again and the acts were emotionless and I believe fueled by the issues I was having with porn. I’m working hard on my marriage, but I still wonder if I should tell her. I’m not sure of the benefit. What would you all recommend, I read so many various opinions on whether to tell or not. I truly believe God has worked in my life and made me a changed man. I plan on working hard to keep this up, just not sure if I should leave this in the past. I read that I am freed from my past sins and to not be burdened by them. What is your all’s opinions? Thank you
     
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I think the only time you will truly find a PA that would say you shouldn’t tell your SO about your problems and misdeeds, is when they are still in denial about their addiction and it’s affects. I escalated my porn addiction several years ago into an anonymous one night stand. It was how you put, emotionless. My wife knew something happened, there were scratches down my back that I desperately tried to hide from view. She didn’t want to believe it, and I couldn’t tell her at the time. My shame and disgust over my actions reflected directly onto my partner who didn’t even do anything. I was an evil asshole that made her feel unsafe to be around, as I would lash out angrily with contempt and scorn. She would try to be intimate with me and would literally push her away or off, say some hateful remarks, and get angry with her even being nice to me. I was violent toward her.

    This is what happens when you let your demons control your life. They control you and how you interact with the ones you love. Through abusing PMO, and cheating, behind your partner you are leading a double life. An addict will do anything to get there fix, and will resort to riskier behavior or more extreme content as it releases more dopamine as they become desensitized.

    In order to get control of your life back, you have to stop the addictive behavior, you have tell someone what you have done, and make amends for the wrongs you have committed. Then it won’t have power over you. You can give yourself over to your higher power. You can end the alternate reality you have been living in. Your ego doesn’t want to talk about it and preserve itself. But you’ve already done those things and that is the reality. Once you’ve disclosed you can let Love in to rule your life.

    Every partner is different, you have to realize it will come as a shock to your partner. Be prepared they may want all the details, and know everything. You can’t just dump it all on them at once as it could be overwhelming, you can’t and shouldn’t make it their problem. You have to own your indescretions, your shortcomings, and your betrayal. You also shouldn’t soften the blow, by covering up details, not telling the whole truth, or making it seem something it’s not. Doing that isn’t honest, it isn’t open. You need to have that open and honest communication at all times with your partner in order for them to trust you and to heal. They deserve that respect from you in the least.
     
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  3. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your response! It certainly isn’t something that is easy for me to talk about, it’s something I have left in the past and received forgiveness from God. I truly believe that I have overcome my addiction and have strengthened my relationship with my wife and the Lord. I just wonder know that I have passed this addiction, if bring up the past is necessary. I really can’t decide, I believe I am forgiven by God, so I’m not sure why bringing up the past will help anything. He has forgotten of the sin and so should I. I wonder if I should just continue with my Christian life and forgot about the past sins which have been cast in to a sea of forgetfulness.
     
  4. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    Isn’t easy to talk about*
     
  5. Imagine that your wife cheated on you.
    How should you feel?
    Would you like to know that she had cheated on you in that situation?
    What if she should wait for 2 years and then told you yet?

    Well, do the same to her.

    The Lord sais: Confess each others your sins and pray for each other, then you will get your restoration. (James 5:!6).

    I hope this makes sense to you.
     
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  6. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    You may find value in the definition of the 12 step program. Addiction is the same weather it is alcohol, drugs, or porn.

    Here are the 12 Steps as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous:

    1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
    5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
    6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
    7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
    8. Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
    10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
    11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
    Sounds like you are somewhere between steps 3 and 4. While taking a moral inventory of yourself, think about the lies of omission. You might be telling the truth if you leave things out, but your aren’t being honest with yourself or your partner.

    Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is more of ensuring it doesn’t have power over you. If you are forgiving yourself, you realize what you did and how wrong it is, and know it isn’t who you are, but it is a part of you. You can’t have whole and complete love, without loving the worst parts of yourself. If you can’t admit your wrongs, you can’t really forgive them, and they still will weigh on your soul.
     
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  7. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    To continue from the interreligious group thread, the reason I ask is one can do the right thing for the wrong reason. With confession it is often for the person to get the weight lifted rather than the other person, which doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her. It's the same with salvation from a selfish perspective. It may be a matter of timing too, if ones spouse just got a cancer diagnosis it is probably not the time to tell her, but having that as a rationalization to continually avoid it is also dishonest.

    Frankly I think there may be a lot of room for religious rationalization, but this is a spiritual question and not a religious one. One needs to look into their heart and their partners instead of hiding under things like the doctrine of salvation and forgiveness. Besides, if God forgave you would you be afraid of your spouse not forgiving you? The difference is the latter will leave little room for self deception.
     
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  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    As an SO and most feel the same way, hiding and lies are the worst part, it’s incredible insult to injury. You may feel you have an honest relationship with with god but your wife is the living breathing person that you share a life home and bed with. it’s giving her the respect and opportunity to forgive you first and for most.
    It won’t be easy and your marriage may end but Anything else is deceptive to her and you taking away her choice in the relationship.
     
  9. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I asked God to help me stop many times, saw Him helping me, and rejected the help. He gave me the perfect opportunity to come into the light properly.

    I found nofap and resolved to stop. I was set to tell my wife everything by showing her an article that led me to nofap, that described all the things I was feeling and that porn had done to me and that I wanted to change in myself. I still imagine what it would have been like to have that conversation. To have cried and begged her forgiveness and to her help to stop.

    Then I decided not to tell her, but rather to stop on my own, telling myself it was to spare her the pain of knowing. I know now where that idea came from. It wasn't God. It wasn't the world. It wasn't the flesh. You know what the remaining option is.

    My life was completely decimated less than a month later. It was and is my fault for bowing to pride, and rejecting humility. For choosing my own will over His. The set of circumstances that led to one of the worst d-days that could be - seriously it's got to be in the top 5% of worst D-Day stories, and no I'm not going to recount it lol - was uncanny. My wife (quite rationally) didn't believe that all these things had happened in a few weeks. They did. I had been on and off the worse-than-porn things I was doing, more or less based on relationship stress and mental health. Not excusing myself, just those were the triggers. But honestly you wouldn't believe the things that all came together to explode my secret life. You see, I asked God to make me stop no matter what, and I meant it. Then He helped me, and I rejected the help. "So, you want to do it your way, do you?" said the Lord of Hosts unto this lowly creature. "Your way it is. I don't want it to be like this, but it is what you have willed." God did that; I don't know what proportion by permission and what by volition, but I know now absolutely that I was and my family still is suffering diabolic oppression. My sin, and my life went nuclear. And I can trace the worst of it all back to one decision: "I'll spare her having to know." It sounded like love, but it was not love. It was kindness, but not love. Love isn't mere kindness. Love is to will the good of the other. It was not loving toward her. It was not loving toward myself. Sparing someone pain is not always a loving act. It wasn't in this case.

    My wife now does not live with me, and does not communicate with me, and any chance at reconciliation is wholly in God's hands. My darkness still envelops her. She is largely surrounded by pagans and heretics who pull her away from Christ, just as I drove her away. She is now under attack, because the consequences of my betrayals of both her and God have left her unprotected. I am a husband unable to protect his wife, and I have done this to us both.

    All of this. ALL of this is because I thought it was better not to tell her, and accepted the easy way out. The way that kept my pride intact. The way I knew was a lie but couldn't convince myself of in time. This is all, ALL because I did not tell her.

    All things shall come into the light. Step into the light, though it blinds you both, and let God lead you by the hand through the beautiful light of the truth.

    Tell her.
     
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  10. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for the advice. Obviously this is a lot to take in. I will have to pray on this. I may also need some more time to get my mind wrapped around this.
     
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  11. Very sad testimonial but shows exactly things are working out.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2018
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  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    As the spouse to an addict, I found out on my own, after years of his hiding it. I waited for months for him to tell me. I gave him so many windows of opportunity and was careful to prepare safe zones so that he would feel that he could tell me. Still he lied. When I finally had to outright confront him, he still lied. He lied and lied and lied until I finally showed him the proof - and then he could lie no more. Yes, the addiction was terrible, the betrayal was(and still is) incredibly painful, but the continuous lying was almost more than I could bear. One thing you should learn about wives...we always find out. If she doesn't already know, she will. Even if you beat this on your own and you never tell her, she'll find out. And if you beat this and then tell her, she'll feel as though you not only kept the secret of the addiction from her, but also the entire battle too - as though you have lived an entire lifetime without her. It's uncanny, but the longer you are married (and I pray you remain married for many, many years), you will find that we wives eventually figure everything out.

    I don't think there is one spouse or significant other on this forum that will advise you not to tell her. Every one of us have been hurt immensely by the secret keeping. We all want to know. Good luck with your journey and your decision, and Praise the Lord for the addition of your name to the Book of Life!
     
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  13. Beamer_Dreamer

    Beamer_Dreamer Fapstronaut

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    Regardless of the forgiveness that you feel you have gotten, you really should try and think of this from your wife's perspective. It is absolutely fantastic that you have grown and become a better person and closer to your wife. However, if she feels that you two have gotten closer, and finds this out on her own she may feel that it was all a lie because you have been lying by omission the entire time. My wife still sees a lot of our first year together as a lie because I was hiding and lying.

    The best thing to do in my opinion, is first prepare her to hear it. Say something like " I need to be open with you about something on my life. It will be extremely hard to here and it will hurt but please hear me before you make a decision or respond." Or if she's not ready to hear something painful, let her know that you want to talk later about something that will be painful for her to hear and to be ready to hear it. Something along those lines. In my opinion, if you tell her, everything in life will be soooooooo much easier. Not that it won't be devastating, it will, and it will be very hard but not nearly as hard as if she finds out. Also you must disclose everything when you talk to her.
     
  14. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    I’d like to elaborate on this shameful event some more. It was a happy ending massage and it occurred before I was saved. I’m not trying to justify anything, but does it change anything? I have since left these wicked ways in the past.
     
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Speaking as a wife to a PA, no, that wouldn't change anything for me that it was a happy ending massage. Still cheating and I would definitely want to know if it were me.
    But you also mentioned a BJ in the first post. Was this the same sort of thing or something else? The oral sex could put the health of both of you at risk because of the chance of catching STDs there. For that reason alone (plus others of course) I would want to know if I was your spouse. How long ago was the last encounter?
    I am glad to hear you feel like things have changed for you, that is awesome! I hope you can continue on this path and leave all the other things behind you.
     
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  16. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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  17. savedandhealing

    savedandhealing Fapstronaut

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    It has been a couple years ago and they were all massage related. I only received a bj once and I used protection and have since been tested. I’ve worked hard to leave this in the past and feel like I’m living a very fulfilling marriage. So I’m really not sure if I should dig this up. I have confessed my sins and am working hard on my marriage.
     
  18. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    So glad to hear about the protection! If the last one was years ago, I don't know, that is tough. I can see from your perspective why you wouldn't want to dig this up. I mean, it could be marriage ending even though it is in the past. I get why you wouldn't want to go there. Just on the other end of it, from my view as the spouse, I'd still want to know. I know some people wouldn't. You're the only one in your relationship so only you can decide, not us. You say you are working hard on your marriage, I commend you for that! I just wonder how far you can get working on a marriage that isn't built on trust and honesty. I fear eventually it would come crashing down.
    I hope it goes well for you whichever decision you make.
     
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  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I can tell this, it’s far from easy confessing to your wife but if she ever discovered it on her own that’s whole new can of worms and that much harder. Again more insult to the injury.
    She didn’t ask for any of this, non of us SO’s have nor deserved it. But you have already done the deeds, you have already given her the burden. You can’t change the past, you have already made your bed. As my husband likes to state it, a true relationship shares the same reality and that can’t happen with one person only knowing a false sense of the other.
    Addictions do not go away, there is always a risk of relapse, 1,5 even 20 years down the road.
    I hope well for you in whatever decision you make.
     
  20. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Okay. Those who know me know that honesty is important to me. I know lots of SO's who value honesty as well.

    Think about if the situations were reversed, would you want your marriage to be honest and if your wife cheated and some random guy went down on her and fingered her would you want her to tell you and be honest or would you rather find out one random day and be totally blind sided, hurt by her cheating, but devastated because you realize you can't trust her because she lied?

    I am glad you are in recovery and found something that is helping you but a marriage can't be built on a lie, it's not going to work. She will sense something is off. If she knows about your porn addiction and is helping you through that she should know about the cheating.

    One of the things that I think is very unfair is when one person decides for the other person. You are essentially deciding for her by not telling her. She should know everything so she can make her own decisions on whether she wants to be in this marriage. Who knows, she may surprise you and be glad you came forward so you two can build your marriage on honesty and trust. I am going to link some vids to hel you out man.











    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI5mIiYSfx4

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-cRUj5d4c8&t=168s

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWqmEU8_xhU

    Please be honest, do the right thing for you, for God, for you wife, and keep getting healthy man
     

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