Releasing Sexual Shame

Warning : Triggering content

So recently I have though of the Idea of self reflecting over what I like as well as dislike in the bedroom. I do this because I think it is good to view what I like clearly. My favorite position is doggy style. It makes me feel dominant and I always cum when doing it. Therefore, it is always good to finish the inter course off with doggystyle. I like it because it makes me feel dominant and It is me who sets the rhytm. I get to choose the pace and I get to touch wherever I like. Cowgirl is my second favorite position. It is nice to switch off once in a while and let the girl do the work, and that can be really hot. Both these positions also allow me to touch the ass haha which I enjoy. Missionary is cool and it is a good position for starters. But I don’t really like it that much because it is almost exhausting to fully get it in. But as I said, for starters it is an intimate and great position to do, but I wouldn’t continue with it for a long time. On other thing I love in the bedroom is the foreplay. I love the vibe where we are just laughing and enjoying each other very intimately and openly. Blowjobs are amazing. Not only do they feel good, I like them because it makes me feel powerful. Foreplay can’t be for too long though, because you don’t want to burst too quickly or feel so horny that you start to feel irritated. A perfect foreplay should last no more than 20 minutes imo

 

One fear I have is that I dont feel good enough when meeting attractive women. Because they look good I believe that they have more worth than other people, which is not necessarily true. Elliott hulse once mentioned this problem, where you are tricked by the women’s marketing, and while their product is terrible. So I think that attractive women are better than me, which makes me very anxious around them. I feel scared that what I say and do is not important enough for them. This feeling of hopelessness is very destructive because it kills my motivation to do the necessary steps. I think you can call this problem in other words, inferiority complex or low self esteem, and I feel this is true for me. I believe this problem came early in my childhood and specifically with my family. Because my parents and my mother in particular, made my big brother their favorite, it left me feeling left out. Like I was not as important as my brother. This made me feel very frustrated, angry, confused, sad and hopeless.

Currently, I feel self confident but my self esteem is lacking. To raise my self esteem and not feel inferior to other people I need

 

Realize my own worth, do affirmations and reflect on my experiences. My inferiority complex shows up in small doses everywhere in my life but when meeting attractive women it is particularly apparent. I could also appreciate my strengths as a person, and not try to be perfect in every way. Perfectionism is one thing that makes me not feeling good enough. I need to stop, breath, and accept that life is not perfect in every way.

 

Revealing sexual shame

Okay so recently I broke my nofap streak, I guess you could say. It was not that bad for my psyche though because I don’t feel like I personally associate with someone who compulsively masterbates. I mean, this situation does not change anything. Also, I think I feel this way because it was kind of an accident, im not too sure myself. Okay so heres how it happened, I was using snapchat and I was snapping with a really hot girl that I got to know through tinder, and then all of a sudden she puts really sexy pictures on her mystory that I accidentally viewed. It was not my intention to look at them because I don’t like to feel the dopamine rush that follows but this time I kept staring at the photos because I was cumming in my pants. I don’t know how common this is but since I started nofap I have been extremely sensitive down there, like I dont even need to use hands. I don’t know how to feel about cumming easily, I mean all I can do is accept how it is and try to work with it. I would rather be someone who cums quickly than someone who can’t cum. This incident with the photos something I have felt shame over and I needed to lighten my chest somewhere. The thing I am most ashamed about is the fact that I could not or would not snap out of it. I think it was harder than usual though because I was about to bust. Usually I can avoid triggers but not this time, And that sucks. I feel disappointed in myself for not having enough discipline to avoid the trigger. I don’t feel so bad for being sexual but I feel disappointment and shame for not having enough strength to resist, like I though I was strong enough at this point (1,5 years into nofap). I also feel a little bad over breaking my long streak. Goes to show you that you will always have to be on your guard these days against explicit content on the internet. That’s also the problem with talking to really hot girls, it’s hard to stay focused, which is something I need to work on. How I will look at this is that failure is impossible to avoid. Sure I have come a long way on nofap but sometimes there are fuckups, but that’s okay because every time failure arises there are lessons to be learned. Shit happens, now I need to move on and keep on hustling.

I would also like to say that I feel conflicted about how I should look at these kind of things. It’s not porn, but it can be very triggering to see hot girls on the internet. But that’s normal I feel like and I should just accept how it is, and try to integrate it into my life. Triggering content is impossible to avoid these days so maybe it’s better to try to normalize it and not feel ashamed about it? Cause isn’t that really the core problem with triggering content, that feeling of shame and guilt? I have once heard that If you are going to watch porn, do it openly because that takes the buzz out of it. If you do it openly, you erase the internal shame. Therefore, maybe it is the guilt and shame from porn that complicates things in our everyday life’s? But back to the problem with triggering content, biologically speaking, there are dopamine rushes that could potentially be dangerous in the long run if you get them everyday. Therefore, I feel confused on how to feel about this situation. Currently, I have deleted the girl that I wrote about because I value my own well-being higher than her. For now, that is how I think I will be dealing with these kind of situations from social media.

 

I did something else that I have been feeling ashamed over. There is this girl in our friend group that’s pretty fat, but she has a pretty face. Linnea is her name. Anyway her and I have been making out at parties sometimes and this is something I don’t mind. But everyone else I know judges me because of it. They make fun of me, her and us because we have hooked up a couple of times. This frustrates me so much because it is not anyone’s business but my own who I want engage sexual relationships with. Initially I didn't feel ashamed about this but since they have shamed me so much I have started feeling bad about it. Especially since we had sex at the latest party we were at. In the moment I though fuck it this is my life my choices but later on I have started to regret it. She is really not my type of girl honestly but she has always been into me. I believe she had feelings for me before, but not anymore. So, you could say I took advantage, and that is certainly not cool. I regret it because honestly I don’t think either of us wanted to do it we are just attracted to each other in some fucked up way. Like we were both hesitant at first but then it just happened, and I don’t want to redo it. But we said directly after that this was just a one time thing and that we don’t have feelings for each other so I guess that’s good but I still feel that she is even more into me now, which is understandable. But that fills me with guilt because I really don’t want her or to do it once more. We weren’t going to have sex at first but I think the porn mind and impulses just kicked in. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to think straight beforehand. The most shameful thing about it though is that I have not told anyone about this. I don’t trust anyone to not share my secret with others, and then judge me. In my group of friends we are all best friends so this kind of information is bound to leak. I try not to feel ashamed about it because it is not that big of a deal really but I feel everyone would shame me for it. What I think I should do is to just tell someone close to me. I am not afraid of being honest and tell the truth, what I am afraid of is the teasing, bullying and expressions of other people’s opinions. I know I should not care about that stuff but it feels like this would really be a big of a deal to them. Something they would talk about forever. Really, I should just stand up for what I did but it really is not that big of a deal to me personally and it feels almost unnecessary to let everyone else know about it. Like it would do more harm than good. But it is really great to open up about it here on nofap though. This whole situation is fucked up and I just want to release the shame and move on with my life. I think just telling the truth would solve it for me but to hear about this all the time is not something I would tolerate.

It’s almost feels like I just want to cut the relationship altogether, maybe that is the best for the both of us.

 

Okay this recent incident was not all that sexual but I still feel shame about it so I want to reveal this story to y’all. Okay so basically I met this girl through tinder. She was pretty fat in her pictures but when I met her she was a lot worse. I was not that turned on by her so we did not have sex. But I did come in my pants when I saw her breasts in her bra because they were really big. But that wasn’t because she was that attractive, it was more because she was constantly touching my thigh and my dick through my pants which turned me on a lot, and also I come very easily. But I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than that with her because the attraction wasn’t there. This was yesterday and we haven’t spoken since. I feel kinda happy about that because that was not a relationship that I wanted to continue. I haven’t told anyone about this except my mom, because I borrowed her car (I’m 19). And I believe that’s where most of my current shame comes from because I initially lied to her about where I was going with the car. I don’t like to lie but somehow I did it, probably because I was afraid of being judged for meeting someone through tinder. I later told her all about it and she was very disappointed in me. I feel bad because it was wrong for me to lie, and it is after all her car. I dont think my Father will care as much when he finns out but I will just explain everything to him as well. Its feels better to let them know how I was thinking at the time. I dont like this experience but I think there is a lot for me to learn, which is good.

 

I also forgot to mention that since I came, I have been feeling kinda of down. Like I don’t have the same energy as before. Goes to show that no matter how long ago you started semen retention, the negative effects will quickly show once you let it out. Moral of the story, don’t waste your semen if you don’t reallt want to!!!

 

Hey, thanks for your insight and yeah I get what you are saying. I also believe that it is better to share experiences in real life, but doing so has to be within a safe space of people because I still feel ashamed of my sexuality sometimes, altough it is a lot better today. And to be fully free of guilt I believe I have to open up slowly, to the right people. If I get any more shame for my experiences, I feel like I will lose progress. But you are right, I need to become more vulnerable and express my sexuality with people. It just feels like some of my experiences are very unique and I would look like a weirdo if I told them to the wrong people. I guess I have to find someone real nonjudgemental and trustworthy.

 

Recently there has been another incident. Its not a big deal, maybe I am overreacting, but I want to share it. I havent been feeling that horny recently but I yesterday I had a wet dream. Its not that bad, I have had them before but this time the orgasm felt more councious than usually. It felt like my uncouncious made a couscous decision to orgasm. I woke up straight after that because it felt wrong. So I went to shower to wash away the sperm, but there wasn’t any. So I orgasmed but never came, really weird, but I am kinda grateful of not losing sperm. But I do feel guilty after this incident since I felt like I lost control. I didn’t have enough discipline to stop the “conscious” orgasm in my dream. And no it wasn’t one of those dreams where you can be fully in control. The dream just felt really good, so it made me feel like I chose to orgasm rather than abstaining. Normally I would never make that decision so I feel sort of disappointed in myself. But maybe I am blaming myself too much since it was a wet dream after all and it wasn’t my choice to have a wet dream. I have barely experienced any increased urge to orgasm after this. Now, all I feel like I can do is to move on and get back to reality.

 

Another thing that has concerned me lately are triggers. They are literally everywhere in our modern lives. If it’s not on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat then it is in real life. Personally I can find it really triggering if I catch myself looking at some really hot girl in public. How is that different than looking and being triggered by the same person through a screen? Maybe I am needlessly suffering because I am blaming myself and feeling guilt, for feeling sexual attraction to women. Attraction is a normal thing but because of of Nofap, I feel like its hard to draw the line between what is normal, and what is unhealthy. I still believe its 100% better being on nofap than being a porn junkie, but that is something that has been fucking with my head. Maybe this problem will solve itself, when the brain is fully recovered from the damage of porn. But until then it leaves me with the ultimate question. Should you try to completely avoid any triggers? Or should you learn to live with them? Because they aren’t going away, I believe you have to adapt to reality, but it’s really hard to stay in a happy mood when you get random, unwanted dopamine rushes throughout your everyday. What are your takes on this?

 

If you are reading this, feel free to also be vulnerable and share something sexually related that you have been feeling ashamed over. You will be able to feel relief and a sense of freedom, and I promise you that it will improve your situation

 

Only through exposing your darkest secrets to the world will you be able to not feel guilty, and have a normal and natural relation to sex, unlike the relationship you developed to sex through porn and your previous life as a porn addict and “nice guy”

 

Yeah it will set you free and you will finally be able to move on from that experience so that you can develop into the best version of yourself. I suggest you read the book “No more me nice guy” by Robert Glover where he can explain it better than me, if you are feeling uncertain and not totally safe to share your secret with others

 

Warning, could be triggering

Okey so the day before yesterday I did something. I met this girl through tinder and we started chatting on snapchat and everything seemed to be going well until she started sexting me a lot, and sending me unexpected nudes. I have been pmo free for so long that I though it wouldn’t be a problem if I sexted her back and would talk dirty. It was really fun but it also fucked with my head a lot. Suddenly I felt brain fog and lack of focus like I haven’t felt in a long time. But I kept on going anyway because I believed that I technically didn’t do anything wrong. When she did send me nudes I try to cover them up with my hand so that I don’t see her naked photos but most of the time it’s impossible, especially if she send one without me expecting it. I’m figuring if I should just delete her from my contacts but it’s hard for me to know if I actually like her, or if it is my dopamine brain talking. I find it hard to quit while I’m sexting her and I think that is a proof that this shit is addicting. I told her that she’s sexy and that I want her to suck me off. She also wanted to see my dick so I have sent nudes to her as well. Pictures of my dick. It feels weird because I have only sent dickpic once in my life before this. I liked it and she liked it but I feel like because of the huge dopamine release, it’s not worth it. I do feel more free in expressing my sexuality because of this but yeah, it’s not worth it when I feel like shit the next couple of days. The dopamine release is just too much too handle. Right now all I can do is meditate and wait for the damage to heal I guess, and not sext her back when she wants to