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Lack of trust and walking away

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Rodrigov600, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. Rodrigov600

    Rodrigov600 Fapstronaut

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    NoFap has enabled me to embark on a whole journey of making myself better. As I've opened my eyes to the different things besides PMO, I've been eliminating old behaviors and sharpening myself to be the best I can be every day.

    One of the things that I've been trying to get a better edge on every day is my skill at developing and maintaining relationships. I am starting to feel a lot like a mad scientist, Testing and testing while getting burnt by the flames of destroyed/botched relationships.

    But with each explosion and each cleanup of my workspace to rekindle a new relationship, I embrace my mistakes and figure out how to avoid/improve upon it so I can do better next time with another girl.

    One of the most recent explosions if you will was the fact that I lack trust in women and that when it comes to communicating, I walk away or totally want to scrap the whole relationship. This is something that I researched and am attempting to fix to improve myself a bit more each time. If this helps you, I would be more happier to know that somewhere out there someone avoided the mine trap that I stupidly stepped on.

    I've come to find out the mistrust stems from a lack of safety, which can originate back to your childhood and the traumas experienced then. You're a small chick in a coop of wolves and snakes, you eventually grow up to be fearful. This fear and paranoia puts you in a fight or flight state all the time, making you trade social skills for combat/defense skills which usually end up in more of a flight state which I will get to in a second.

    So you're in this relationship, you have not PMO'd for a while, and you're pretty excited because you have that drive to do what you love and be with the person you love... But that lack of safety creeps up on you, that feeling that nothing is definite and someone better can pull your significant other from you. You feel like the world is full of wolves, and that they'll try to get that person out of your life or your partner is a wolf and he/she will not think twice about stabbing you in the back. SPECIALLY if that person is way out of your league and they attract many other people. It is all sorts of hell, but that is all in your own mind.

    Nofap is a battle that takes place in your mind. Just like Nofap, Mistrust is a battle in your mind, trying to sway you from your happiness. Whatever stage of mistrust you are at in your relationship, take a leap of faith. What you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. Trust is the essential backbone of all relationships, and I get it that you are wondering if that other person is messing around behind your back.

    At the end of the day you cannot control what they do, but you can control how you think and how you show up. Take a leap of faith, if that person tells you they are doing something believe them. If the let you know about other competitors, thank them for being loyal and letting you know.

    Say mistrust creeps up anyway, and it's definitely now showing up and you have the urge to fight/flight. Fighting meaning creating an argument or actually physically abusing this person. Fleeing means totally ceasing all communication, avoiding contact until this state of mind eases or disappears. These put you on the defensive and communicate that you perceive that person that shares their heart with you as an attacker.

    Flip the script, say you've been nothing but caring and loving, and your significant other is constantly worrying that you are cheating or in that state of fight or flight. You for some reason get busy with life, things come up and you can't give what you don't have (Time/Love/Attention). That person gets antsy and Fights/Flees which can range from confronting you or just ceasing all communication from you. So now on top of whatever issues you are dealing with, you have to deal with the combat state of that person just when you need them to understand you and support you.

    Mistrust and Communication is everything guys and gals, I unfortunately learned this way too late to salvage the relationship I was building with a beautiful girl. Luckily I did not lose my emotions and was able to embrace and accept my mistake all the while learning from it and making sure to let the world know so that everyone can have an amazing person in their life.

    Think about this next time you feel antsy or want to leave a perfectly fine relationship. You're awesome and your significant other knows it, that is why they chose you and keep talking to you. You have nothing to fear except being too awesome :)
     
    Evig Faith likes this.
  2. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    Great post. I find being a man of integrity helps immensely. Paradixically, as we be trust*worthy*, we're better at trusting others. As we know what it feels like to be truthful and honorable, we're better able to see those virtues in our lady friends.

    Edit: I really do like what you're saying here. Been trying to teach this to one of my teenagers just this past month. About not abandoning friendships at the drop of the hat. Very well said. Saying sorry and staying despite discomfort can go a long way.
     
  3. Rodrigov600

    Rodrigov600 Fapstronaut

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    I am super glad this was able to be of some sort of help!

    Basically what I tell myself everytime is to never burn bridges, and I will have a separate notes section on my phone with a list of things I want to work on.

    By writing these things down you speak to your mind/subconscious and you have a higher percentage of actually doing what you write.

    Example, I will write something along the lines of:

    "I will not burn bridges, I will take leaps of faith"

    Also what helps alot is surrounding yourself with people who build you, as well as changing anything that influences you negatively to more positive things (music/media)

    Whatever steps you have to take to get it done essentially
     

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