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Relationship in turmoil

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Adidas trackies, Dec 16, 2018.

  1. Adidas trackies

    Adidas trackies Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,
    I'm 21 (m) and I've been in a realationship with an incredible girl with a high sex drive for 8 months now. She is my first for everything, earlier on in the relationship PMO was never something I had on my mind, we mostly talked online and met up a few weekends here and there. We had sex after 3 dates and about a month or so of getting to know each other, our first experience together was awkward, she seemed very confident and jumped right into action however my erection was on and off throughout the night and I struggled to keep it up in order to penetrate, eventually I got there but it only lasted a little bit before I went soft again and she called it a night and went home. I was seriously devistated and confused about myself but I wanted to keep seeing her and form a relationship, so I told her I was nervous and apologized (she did blame herself a little bit). From that we took things slow, and eased into the physical side.
    during the relationship, leading up to now I've struggled with maintaining an erection or taking too long to finish/not finishing at all very on and off, sometimes no issue and the sex is incredible and other times I have the issue. she is usually the one to initiate sex, but sometimes I do too.
    Admittedly I've kept her in the dark about what's been happening to me because I felt myself getting better and better with each time. however it happened again recently when I visited her after work, we went back to her dad's place and she gave me head and we had sex briefly (I finished both times) we later went back to my place and after a couple hours we started to have sex again, I got soft during sex and she took it personally and shut off for the night, she probably felt very rejected. while laying in bed together I mentioned that I used to watch porn frequently prior to forming a sexual relationship with her and thought maybe it played an effect on my inability to stay hard so often. she took it as me saying to her "I don't get aroused and im unattractedto you is because you're not as hot as the girls I see in porn." Even though that's absolutely not the case whatever I tried to tell her wouldn't work and we nearly broke up. we did however decide to stay together because we love eachother. A couple days after this she went on a holiday with her mum for a week and we stayed in touch texting like normal (including dirty talk and cheeky pictures) until this weekend when she came back, we didn't try to have sex but I did start to touch her and feel her up, and I got turned on and very hard and signalled for some head. I completely lost my erection after a couple of minutes and she gave up and decided to go home.
    I told her it was probably just performance anxiety but she didn't believe me and took the situation personally again, now she's very cold and uneffectionate towards me. (I have communicated all this to her as well)
    I want to know, could porn still be effecting me even after months of not having used it regularly?
    I do occasionally masturbate using my imagination or pictures she's sent me.
    Any help on any part of this situation appreciated, cheers
     
  2. Been a long time since I was 21.

    It’s possibly a cause; you might talk openly with her about doing a full 90 day PMO reboot? Or at least PM reboot?

    Will be concrete action and a baseline. Open communication, along with reading, in bed and out, will clarify.

    Internet Porn is a breaking wave for your generation. Learn about the issue, embrace recovery and be ready for it. I think that will be appreciated.

    The pill and the sexually revolution
    Of the 60’s and 70’s;
    herpes and HIV in the 80’s and 90’s;
    Porn and online dating seem to be new underwater reefs causing problems.

    Probably better ways to say the above. You may better
    describe the latter than I.

    Some conditions, like Parkinson’s disease, unrelated, are diagnosed partially by trying the medication L Dopa. If the symptoms improve with medication, you have Pkinson’s.

    IMHO, from what I learn
    or think I know
    round these ‘parts.
     
    maxximuss95 likes this.
  3. Adidas trackies

    Adidas trackies Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou for your input, I'll definitely talk to her about trying a 90 day PM or PMO reboot and see how she feels about that
     
    Trappist likes this.
  4. SO liked no PMO idea for me,
    with no O for a while,
    then I moved back to no PM til now.

    I had no request of NO PMO for her;
    she is very supportive of this process.
     
    samnf1990 likes this.
  5. Adidas trackies

    Adidas trackies Fapstronaut

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    Update, I sent her some links to possible reasons as to why I may be experiencing ED, and also a link on the effects of porn. Both links provide lots of information about what to do to overcome this together.
    She said it's good that I'm doing research, and that she hopes I find a way to overcome whatever it is that hinders my physical performance so that "it doesn't effect my future relationships."
    I still haven't told her anything about me seeking help on this forum or the proposed PM/PMO reboot. I'm stuck at the thought of her wanting to leave me rather than help me, and she claims there is nothing more she can do or is unsure of what I want from her.
    I have told her all I want is for her to stick by me while I work it out, and she did say this word for word, "at the end of the day I have so much love and respect for you and want to do what's right for you."
    I'm very confused about where she stands, on one hand she seems doubtful that we will stay together and on the she says she wants to do what's right for me.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  6. It is a lot for someone else
    to take it in.

    A lot for a PA to take in.

    I’ve learned so much
    from GFs along the way.

    Standing tall with this wound
    and in recovery makes you more attractive.
    And a more available mate.

    You may have more to go with her.
    Maybe
    Focus on your recovery
    And what the reading suggests?
    For yourself.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
    drewharbour likes this.
  7. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    As an SO I don't understand how it is anything but this and I think that men who say it isn't are in total denial. You have no problem getting an erection with porn, but you don't with your partner. So that tells me that porn turns you on and your partner doesn't turn you on like porn does. Sorry men but as a woman this is the ultimate insult.
     
  8. Quoted above for emphasis.
     
  9. Adidas trackies

    Adidas trackies Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand why it seems that way, reversing the roles I would feel exactly the same. If a girl doesn't get wet for me but does for porn i'd feel like I'm absolutely disgusting to her and that she craves a man with a massive dick and chiseled abs (both of which myself and majority of men don't have) people are very self conscious because of societies unrealistic expectations, it doesn't take a guy not getting hard for her in bed to make her feel like she's not attractive when media all over the shop sets those standards for her anyway.
    From a male perspective, porn is just easier. There's no pressure to get an erection in order to please someone else, there's less overthinking and less anxiety (for someone who suffers with this like myself.)
    On the other hand, regular PM has resulted desensitization which caused ED during sex and then probably leads to performance anxiety
     
    drewharbour, de severn and Trappist like this.
  10. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yup - exactly. My husband will look me in the eye and tell me he thinks I'm beautiful, desirable and exactly what he wants. When I ask him to show me all the "favorites" from his porn history that look just like me, he just stares blankly. Sadgirl, since your example already has "ultimate insult" status, my husband's BS will just have to make do with being the second worst insult.
     
    Trappist, Romans 6 23 and Hopefulgirl like this.
  11. maxximuss95

    maxximuss95 Fapstronaut

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    You got to understand this in a psychological point of view. Must of us who are now in our 20s to 25 year range grew up with access to high speed internet pornography. So our brain was just used to high surge of Dopamine that porn provides us. And now when we end up in a real relationship and and the sexual stimuli provided by a real person is not equal to Porn, we end up with erectile Dysfunction. This isn't about love.
    Years of abusing our brains with pictures and videos of Naked adult models, 1000s of them can completely rewire our brain into wanting more. I'm telling this cause i've been suffering too and I've kept my girlfriend in the dark cause most people don't understand this. I've spent the last one month learning about porn addiction and it is a major health problem affecting a lot of us in this century and we need to educate the public about this. Read a book called "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson
     
  12. This is the part that you must consider, in addition.

    Keeping the reason for your PIED to yourself is a lie of omission.

    She blames herself.

    It’s a refusal to accept your causal part of the problem.

    She will understand.
    She may not stay, but she might.

    My SO stayed.
    Tell her gently and kindly.
    Read about it.

    It’s when she discovers
    it’s not her fault and
    you didn’t tell her
    that she wont understand.

    Like a Valkyrie.

    Recover with her in the loop,
    now that you know.

    She may help make recovery
    Your rebirth.
     
  13. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Exactly. You prove my point. The SO simply isn't sexy enough or provides enough dopamine for the partner to get turned on. The partner (addict) having been sexual (in his mind) with thousands of beautiful edited and airbrushed women that he curated over years, is used to that kind of visual. And his 1 non air brushed and less satisfying visually partner will never turn him on like his computer playmates. Thank you for explaining. Also, I never once said it is about love. It's about lust. And not enoigh lust for the less that perfect partner.
    And thank you for the book recommendation. I am very familiar with Gary Wilson's work and have spent 18 months watching and reading everything I could find on this matter. And the concensus is that a real woman just isn't as much of a turn on as porn hence PIED.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2018
  14. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I don't think it is too much to ask to want to be the PAs favourite. But with PAs they dumped us for their favourites and there is no going back. It is hell to be in the back of the line of visual preferences of our husbands. It cuts at the core of being a woman and affirms what society tells us a hundred times a day: we are not enough. When we married our husbands who vowed that we would be enough-until they found better at the computer. My husband's most hurtful words "I never compared you". Thanks for not comparing me to your favourite naked women! Thanks for that! When I signed up to be his favourite naked women but got booted to the end of the line when he found something better and "easier".
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2018
  15. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Ugh. Yes. The reality is P takes 1st place for most desirable encounter. We'll never be enough.
     
    Deleted Account, Trappist and Jennica like this.
  16. To the young OP,

    men may want to be admired by their spouse.

    BUT, adore your spouse ONLY.

     
  17. maxximuss95

    maxximuss95 Fapstronaut

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    Definitely going to consider that. From where i come, our culture looks at porn in a very different way compared to the western culture. There is no real awareness among people, so for me to open up about this is really hard at the present. I've casually started talking to her about this, showed her a few articles about poeple losing their life to internet pornography. Hopefully someday I'll muster enough courage to tell her about this, but right now going to fight this battle alone till i'm able to get a grip on my own life and work on our relationship. I'm not going to give up, for too long i've tried and failed and now i think i finally found a platform where people share stories similar to mine and for the first time i know that I'm not alone.
     
    ras-tanura and Trappist like this.
  18. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    The very last line of your post holds the key. You are still conditioning yourself to your own hand. What would you prefer: to have great sex with her and no performance issues, or to keep masturbating when you want? It seems that you can't have both. The relationship and real interaction are always worth more.

    I also noticed that there was literally no reference to her pleasure or ability to orgasm in your post. Shift your priotities here. If u are struggling, then shift your attention to her. (Or just shift your attention anyway, she is giving you favours, reciprocate!!) Use your fingers. Go down on her. Seeing your partner's pleasure is a huge turn on.
     
    maxximuss95 likes this.
  19. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    If you want to stay together while you reboot, and you don't want to be with other women (which she will be assuming you do since you have been Ming to images of otger women) then tell her: "You are what is right for me. I want you to stay with me." She could still choose to leave, but you must communicate your own desires and intentions clearly. If she does not use P herself, and is upset by your P use, then she will be confused about whether you truly want her. She will need convincing.
     
    maxximuss95 likes this.
  20. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    There are plenty of scenes in P where the man cannot get hard for stereotypically porn-like women. The situation of having sex in person is a different experience from masturbating in front of imagery that you control. Escalation and desensitisation are the problem, not a partner (or image of a person) who is just not attractive enough. It is novelty and constant stimulation and change that keeps the PIED male hard in front of their porn. Some men even struggle to get hard for the porn.

    Also, consider this: the OP can M to pictures of his GF without issues getting hard. It is not her appeal that is the issue, but the fact that he has conditioned himself to expect the sequence of stimulations and experiences of solo M.
     
    Tannhauser and Adidas trackies like this.

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