Relapsed

I just think i need to get this out. I relapsed yesterday. I was stressed, had a lot of sleep deprivation due to my nightly wakings (felt something like Trevor from The Machinist), and i overall felt extremely frustrated because it felt like it's taking forever to see my life go anywhere. When would i meet new friends, when would i be able to make a living with something i like, when i could make my ideas into reality and so on. Basically, when would i have chances to do something else than just my routines at home.

A wise man would have just MO'd, but i felt overwhelming urge. The thought itself gave a strong dopamine load. It seems that they really get a lot stronger when you get "weaker". I relapsed overall 3 times. The first two was to pictures and the last one to porn. The first relapse didn't cause much of physical symptoms, but my inner judge got to work pretty quickly. Of course that lead to more stress, which didn't help me at all. After the second relapse i felt pretty worthless and thought i would just stop trying, and that lead me to porn, which i luckily didn't binge or edge to. After wallowing in my guilt and anger, i realized that i really don't need to go through that rock bottom phase again. I have learned lots of tips and tricks to get me through this.

I think that partly my relapse was also caused, because i didn't have enough fun. I wanted to play video games for a while, but i kept myself so busy that i didn't have the time to do that, or anything else just purely for fun. I had started more projects to do, and those were my priority.

 

So what’s the plan to make sure you don’t repeat this kind of mistake? I’ll expect an answer from you quickly.

 

Why do you expect me to answer quickly?

Basically my latest strategy worked well, but i didn't keep my stress levels in check, and on top of that i had gargantuan sleep deprivation. I often just rest when i feel aroused because i know that my body signals me of my need for rest with horniness. This time i was so agitated that i just didn't see a way to get it out, not by resting, not by any activity. After i forgave myself and realized this doesn't need to be the end, i have felt quite well. There was also some long repressed personal stuff that surfaced when i was feeling down. One reason to my nightly wakings, i think, was that i was resisting certain thoughts and emotions.

 

That’s it. No more excuses from you. Personal issues this, can’t sleep that, blah blah blah. If you keep this up you’ll never get clean.

What you’re going to do is private message me a 5 paragraph essay on why what’s you did was wrong and what new steps you’re going to take to make sure it doesn’t happen. I’ll expect this by tonight.

 

Good luck. We have been there. I was there 2-3 weeks ago. You can do it if I can

 

So many expectations from a stranger, huh? You might get disappointed eventually. I'll write you a 100 paragraph love letter tonight, how about that?

 

Thanks. I already do feel a lot better and gained my confidence back. I just felt that i needed to admit my relapse so i could continue forwards with clear conscience.

 

Did you do what I asked?

 

Yo bro, let's write a love letter with me each other I feel like the same way as yours, I feel the urge to watch porn right now but I don't want it to happen. Let's form groups and be a friend and fight together!