Relapsed twice during one month on my 150 days streak

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Döpke, Mar 16, 2019.

  1. Döpke

    Döpke New Fapstronaut

    Hi fellow fapstronauts,

    I discovered nofap in september 2018, since my daily anxiety, depression and PIED caused me dating and relationship anxiety. I have made a huge progress. I found a very emphatic, pretty and religious girls, who is aware of my struggles. Im using antidepressant on the daily basis. During my streak I relapsed 4 times (day 87,88, 142 and 145). The last time I was overwhelmed by sexual thoughts related to this girl with the mixture of my past thoughts from porn. After the relapse my relatioship and social anxiety has worsened so much, that right now im wondering if my current relationship is sustainable. Last night she was sleeping in my dormitory and all the time I could not look into her eyes without shaking, sweetening and weird sick feeling in my stomach (I could not eat properly the whole week).

    Im not sure if the present state is attributable to my last relapse with intensive sexual thoughts (I was thinking about 20 minutes about her and my sexual desires/sceneries, got boner and after that relapsed). Subsequently, i dont know if im able to recover from my anxiety (150 days is quite solid, Ive overcomed my PIED - I could have sex with her couple of times, however we both are religious, so we are waiting some time to start with it, in spite of it all the time Ive got this feeling that "something is wrong" - I fear that I may be gay or something, although I have never got a sexual desires about the same sex).

    I fear that PMO destroyed my life completely and Im not suitable to have strong relationship with other human. All I know, that I spend with her almost 5 months on daily basis, I love her but this intense flight-or-fight effect is ruining me. I fear that one day I will become lonely, old virgin fighting the world on my own.

    I would be very glad, if you share your ideas, honest words, experiences with me. Did you have the same feelings in the past? Do I need much more time to reboot? Can this feeling "something is wrong" could be solved? I appreciate every reaction.

    Thank you
  2. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    When you say she is "aware" of your struggle what does that mean? Did you tell her you have an addiction? Did you tell her when you relapsed? If not, that alone could be where the anxiety with her is coming from. PMO has definitely damaged your life, but it is not destroyed. You can do this. Inside of you there is someone amazing. Your job is to discover that person and let him fly.

    My advice:
    Be honest with her. Dont assume she knows what porn addiction is. Get her on here and have her read others journals.

    Keep posting on here.

    Find someone you can talk to in real life. It makes a huge difference
    Döpke and hope4healing like this.
  3. Döpke

    Döpke New Fapstronaut

    1dayattatime thanks for your reply,

    she does not know that i was struggling with PMO for many years. She knows only that I have relationship and sexual anxiety. Today i have calmed down. Hopefully it will be better. If my present state is attributable to last relapse, I will for sure know, that not only masturbation, but also sexual thoughts can be pretty harmful. I have a strong support from my family, although they dont know what is behind my suffering. I need to cut every occasion to overthink or have a sudden urge to masturbate. At the end of the day its ruining my life. Hopefully my brain will recover in following year.
  4. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    Often our habit is not the root cause of our problems. There is something bigger that affects your addiction and thoughts. When you have something else negative going on beneath the surface, your other issues such as this addiction feel worse. Just avoiding this habit forever isn't the solution. What is something that intensifies your habit and negative feelings?

    I used to feel terrible when I was younger about my habit cause of all the bigger issues I had going on. I recently relapsed twice after 6 months and it didn't affect me. Me relapsing was besides the point. There is a bigger picture that you need to look at. Being stable. Even when negative things happen, you need to stay the same as much as possible. Of course you will feel some type of way about you relapsing, but it can't be putting you down too much.

    The most important thing is to understand yourself. Your addiction and the thoughts you get make you feel negative, you might treat the whole thing like it's a beast of some sort. But they're just thoughts, no matter how weird they are. You don't need to dwell in them, you can control your thoughts. It is a skill you can definitely learn, a very powerful one. Don't panic when you get negative thoughts in your head, rather understand them which makes them powerless. Hope you got something out of this.
    1dayattatime likes this.

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