Relapsed - Self-harm - Suicidal Thoughts

Well - a few years ago I was active as a volunteer in an German speaking suicide forum. I am really familiar with postings like this. And behind each of this postings there is an individual, a human with all his hopes and fears, with all his problems and desperation. Most girl and boys in your situation are cutting themselves and the reason is exactly what you describe: the physical pain is taking away the emotional pain - at least for a few moments. I do understand this very well and in your age I also wanted to leave this world.

A lot of my words you may not understand now. Just let them work, after some time (weeks, months, years) they may make a lot of sense to you.

Any idea why you just posted here? Because there is hope inside of you that help may come. Good! There is always hope. You did incredible efforts to get rid of addiction and you still are not giving up. You should be proud of yourself. I see it with a lot of emotional distance and all I can say to you: I admire your struggle and all your efforts. Finally you will succeed.

Forget about suicide. This is no solution at all. I am more than happy and very, very grateful I did not commit suicide at the time I was feeling as desperate as you are now. Life can be very, very worth-living.
A professional therapy might help. Maybe you ask a doctor. Your life is very, very precious.

 

Problems will come and go. We always will have problems. And we can learn to live with them, not be controlled by them.
I don't know the medical system in your country, in my country there is no problem for a young man of 16 to visit a doctor without permission of the parents. Maybe the doctor himself will inform your family in a way they may understand.

There is no doubt your parents would be completely shocked and sad if you would commit suicide. This would be the hardest thing you could do to them. Don't do it. Your parents also did not have the perfect parents and they will be happy when you are happy again. Your porn addicition has not to be mentioned, the doctor may phone to them and tell them about depressions which millions of people have nowadays, also very young people. Or he will give you some antidepressiva which may bring some relief. Biting and cutting yourself is no solution.

 

Suicide is not the answer, brother. I believe that we are all here for a reason. Yes, maybe it is a mystery but we are not here by accident. I believe that our time here on earth is a training ground for the next life. What we do here will have an impact on the next. You see, everyone fails. No one is perfect but that doesn't mean that we should not try to be better.

The fact that you feel this remorse whenever you PMO means that you are on the right track. It means that you want to be better. It means that you are trying to correct something that is bad and that my dear friend is called progress. Imagine, there are people out there who don't give a care whether they PMO or not. However, us, we care. Maybe because we want to be a better version of ourselves.

Abstaining in PMO is a tough battle, my friend. Tough battles are fought by great and tough soldiers. You are a great and tough soldier. If we get wounded in this fight (relapse), we get up and continue fighting. We will not surrender because that is the goal of the enemy. To put in our minds that we cannot do it or that we are continually failing.

Don't worry if you fail. Get up and try again. The important thing is do not lose heart. We are all in this together.