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Relapsed again !!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by seagulls6878, Apr 25, 2019.

  1. seagulls6878

    seagulls6878 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed today . I PMOd three times today and I feel terrible about it. I feel there may be no real way out I am a lost cause. For some reason sunny days like today when I am off from work and eveyone else is at work makes me really sad. I keep thinking about the past , how good things were in high school when all I had to worry about was nothing, although I still worried about things. You see I have compulsive behavior. I PMO even though my penis does not became erect . I wonder why I do all this knowing it is hurting me. Maybe I have become too hung up on the counter which I have downloaded on my phone. Feel like maybe people are tired of me posting the same shit over and over. Tomororow I go back to work on the night shift where I know I will become more depressed. Working nights always makes me depressed. Sometimes I don’t know if there is any hope for me. I tend to fantasize a lot about being in a car accident or having some kind of freak accident where I don’t have to worry about this anymore. Everything feels like nails on a chalkboard and I am always upset and angry with people . I know 12 months isn’t that long but this feels impossible.
     
  2. Sterkte

    Sterkte Fapstronaut

    Please don't give up, the alternative is really not an option. I've been there in terms of considering suicide, it seems to be the only way to take back ultimate control of your life...PMO feels like it's running your life and consuming you, and suicide feels like the only way to take control once again.
    This isn't true.
    Try setting some shorter term goals. Idk how long your longest streaks have been, but start with 7 days as a target. If your goal from the outset is perfection, to never watch porn again, that's an incredibly difficult goal! I'd wish you all the best, but I'd be dubious of you achieving that. Indeed, technically you would never succeed until you die, as a relapse could happen at any moment. However, if you take it week-by-week, you set yourself up for a series of smaller successes, ultimately building onto longer terms streaks. Things do get easier as you go along...urges will grow weaker, you can master this thing. This will be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, but it is SO worth the pain and effort. If you have any questions, please reach out...we all want you to succeed!
    All the best.
     
  3. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    It sounds to me like you have depression (regardless of your environment). :( You can get support from your doctor. :)
     
    seagulls6878 likes this.
  4. bluered

    bluered Fapstronaut

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    I concur with this suggestion...
     
  5. seagulls6878

    seagulls6878 Fapstronaut

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    I’m going to try that cause sitting here thinking about never doing it again is tough. Focusing on it all the time. I have no real hobbies except working out but I mean you can’t stay at the gym all day you have to take a break.
     
  6. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Listen, I'm drunk and stoned but whatever I'll say what I can:

    You're not some meaningless part of a large chain reaction of the universe. You're part of the legacy of human beings. We have a purpose. None of us know why we are born into this reality. But we do know that we can suffer and we do know we have the power to make things better. We are dependent on each other. Whether you succeed or fail in life matters. Not just to you but to everybody. There's a hole in the world and it has your shape. The success of the human species is dependent on you to fulfill your potential to become the best you you can be. That is your responsibility, it's your cross to bear. If you won't do it, life will be worse as a whole. That's a fact.

    So fuck all those suicidal tendencies. No matter how justified you think they may be. They're selfish and foolish. Selfish because as I pointed out they don't just affect your life. Foolish because there's always a way up. Always.

    You know your overuse of porn is just one of many consistent patterns of behavior that hinder you to fulfill your potential.

    If you want to change you have to become sick with who you are. You have to be sick of staying at the same point in life and missing opportunities left right and center.

    There are many monsters inside you. Porn-addiction is one of them. It acts technically like a separate personality. It has its own views of the world, it's own beliefs and it's own goals. It's mode of being is always in the spirit of "Fuck it!". And you've reinforced that thousands of times with jerking off. So the "Fuck it!" is strong inside you. But see you're not a slave to it. You, the observer, the one who makes decisions, always have the last say. But right now you still believe the monster is right on many levels. So you follow it when it calls.
    The monster is an idiot. It's filled with delusions and you buy them. It's your responsibility to break those delusions.

    Porn is a cheap way to solve the problem of hornyness. Period. Right now you don't get that, otherwise you wouldn't relapse. You can't just take porn away from yourself without replacing it with something equally good. You always look at the things you use from a cost/benefit perspective. The monster makes you believe porn costs nothing but a couple clicks and the benefit is an infinite solution for your lust. The delusion is in part that the cost is much higher, it's your sexual potency. And the benefit is laughable once it's put in comparison to real sex in a good relationship.

    You need to get to that point where you understand that you got addicted to cheeseburgers even tho there are fine dining restaurants all around you. And even worse you payed 200 bucks per piece.

    Make some goals. Achieving the goal is more important than setting it high, remember that. Start with 4 days with no jerking off to porn. Then allow yourself PMO if you really feel like it. And then set it to 10 days. Increase incrementally. You have to negotiate with your lust like it's an other person, because it is like a personality inside you and it will betray you if you don't set your goals realistically.


    Last but not least I want you to listen to this song:

    Notice how you feel. You can't help but feel the light man. Fucking BELIEVE IN THAT SHIT! You know there's good stuff inside you and it can outshine your monsters in no time, if only you let it.
     
    ready4help and Sterkte like this.
  7. seagulls6878

    seagulls6878 Fapstronaut

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    That was one of the best things I’ve ever read on here .... thank you
     
  8. seagulls6878

    seagulls6878 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think I can get on meds right now man I’m cycling steroids
     
  9. Odigi13

    Odigi13 Fapstronaut

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    This is straight inspiration you inspired more than one.
     
    seagulls6878 likes this.
  10. Sterkte

    Sterkte Fapstronaut

    This guy knows what he's talking about. I was just about to say you gotta fill the void with other habits...my goal on NoFap isn't to live a life of abstinence, because if "not watching porn" was my goal in life, my life is still being dictated by porn. What I'm trying to do is live my life to it's fullest potential. I want to be in the best shape I can be, I want to be the best hockey player I can be, I want to learn languages, leave social anxiety in the past, be confident and at peace. And porn has no place in that lifestyle. If you focus on the other things, than abstinence becomes a happy little side-effect that doesn't require your constant attention.
    All this is easier said than done, and I'm still working on it. But like I said, it is soooo worth it, and I'm a much better and happier person from the effort so far.
     
    seagulls6878 and Odigi13 like this.

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