Relapse Nightmare

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Ridley, May 22, 2018.

  1. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Last night, I had a really awful nightmare. In the nightmare, I was laying in bed with my laptop next to me, browsing the internet for porn. I found an old video I had watched many times, and I started masturbating. While I was doing this, I realized that I had been abstaining from porn for over two months, which meant that I was relapsing. I started panicking about breaking my commitment to recovery, but I didn't stop masturbating. Then, I stopped for a moment and asked myself "why am I doing this? I've come so far in my recovery, I don't need to be watching porn." I paused for a few seconds and told myself "F**k it, I've already broken my 60+ day streak, I'm just going to watch more porn."

    Then, I started binging. I started opening many tabs of porn videos all at once and continued to masturbate. The entire time, I was still asking myself "why is this happening? Why am I doing this?" I started to get very emotional, and started to feel very out of control. It felt like I couldn't stop even if I wanted to, and I started crying and shouting to myself "why am I doing this?!"

    That was when I woke up. I was breathing heavily, in a convoluted position in my bed, and my first thought was "wow. I'm SO glad that wasn't real". I truly am relieved that I still have my sobriety, and that I didn't actually relapse. Still, it was a highly upsetting experience for me.

    Overall, I'm not sure how I should feel about it. On the one hand, it feels like a victory. I didn't really watch porn or masturbate, and even though I did in the dream I felt immediately disgusted with myself for doing it. When I was deep in my addiction, I would only feel disgusted with myself after watching porn, not during. I guess those are positive things. On the other hand, it feels like a warning. The scariest part of the dream for me was that "oh f**k it" attitude, where just one little slip-up led to a full-on binge. I'm scared that one little slip-up in my waking life might instantly make me slip back into my old behavior patterns, and I know I can't go back to that lifestyle.

    Anyway, I just wanted to share this story and see how people react to it or maybe see if someone else has had a similar dream during their own recovery. It terrified me, but again, I'm really happy I'm still free from porn and that I still have my sobriety. I know I can continue to stay dedicated to my recovery.

    I wish you all the best on your journeys!
  2. John Lee Smith

    John Lee Smith Fapstronaut

    Yes this happens.
    Nothing to worry.
    Kinda more intense wet dream.
    Brooklyn Jerry69 likes this.
  3. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    I'm glad to hear you think it's common and nothing to worry about, but I wouldn't describe this as a more intense wet dream. Wet dreams (and dreams about having sex with real people) have always been really pleasant experiences for me, but this dream was horribly unpleasant.
  4. Lol that was actually funny even though I know it must have been a scary feeling at the time. I'm happy it wasn't real for you too. That " fuck it" thought is the devil straight up stay strong brother
  5. rooftop

    rooftop Fapstronaut

    Dont worry bro, My last wet dream was about looking myself in the mirror telling me humiliating sexual things and seeing myself get erect and finally cumming. All that in front of a mirror. (This last year I have been consuming humiliation porn 100%).

    So...yeap xD Quitting this addiction means having this kind of "purging" negative experiences ... (common thing from quitting any addiction, I also had numerous nightmares for at least 2 months when I quit smoking last year)
  6. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Yes, I'm chuckling about it at this point as well. Thanks for the encouragement.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I'm aware that these sorts of dreams are common when quitting an addictive behavior. I've heard of the concept of "coke dreams", which is where a cocaine addict has dreams about relapsing when trying to quit using. Thanks for responding and making me feel like less of a crazy person.
  8. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    That sensation of relief when you wake up is the best feeling ever.
  9. Brooklyn Jerry69

    Brooklyn Jerry69 Fapstronaut

    As long as the dream didn't cause you to relapse I wouldn't worry about it.
  10. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

    I would take this as a good sign - that your recovery is seeping into the deeper layers of your mind and your subconscious is sorting and processing through this. Your brain definitely knows about flicking the "the heck with it" switch but also probably wants to avoid the "yuck" feeling of relapse binge binge ...
    There may be some re-wiring of those reward connections going on.

    This morning, the first thing I thought as I was waking up was, "Ugh! Can't believe I'm back to day zero again!" Then as I got up off the lumpy ol' piece of garbage futon I realized wait a minute... I'm on day five (whoop de doo!). I guess I may have had a relapse dream too but couldn't remember it. Still, had a hangover feeling most of the day, I guess just for kicks.

    Anyway, just take it in stride and keep going. Seems like you're making progress.
  11. The nightmare I had was about consequences of continuing down the slippery slope of porn addiction. For me it was a warning to quit or else.

    I have never looked at C.P. in real life but in my nightmare I had given into it and was arrested and awaiting trial. My life was over. The only person who would talk to me was my mother. The dream seemed so real. I was talking to my mother about how I wish it was all a dream and that I wish I hadn’t given in to looking at any porn, especially the illegal stuff.

    Later in the dream I was sitting in detention contemplating suicide, my heart rate was high, and I was near tears.

    I woke up with a huge sense of relief and a stronger resolve to stay away from porn.
    Immature likes this.

Share This Page