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Relapse and I am gone. How do you handle this?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Journey2therealme, Jan 10, 2019.

  1. Journey2therealme

    Journey2therealme Fapstronaut

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    I want to start out by saying that I am guilty of not revealing my sexual habit of PMO to my current girlfriend early enough for her to make an informed decision about whether she wants to be with me. Fast forward to now, and she has moved out of her place on the west coast in anticipation of starting a life with me wherever we decide, after her current job ends in May. And she has sent six boxes to my parents house for safe keeping until she needs them. All of this happened just before she found out, by asking me, that I relapsed and am still PMOing. This has devasted her and has caused a lot of pain amd suffering. It is at the point where she needs me to tell my parents because she feels that will relieve her of feeling so alone with this burden of being with me and keeping this a secret. She also has said that if I ever relapse again that she will leave. I responded with, all i can do is take it one day at a time and keep working to string along another day of recovery. I told her I can’t promise to never relapse. So now I am a place where I don’t know what to do. I still don’t feel like telling my parents will help me much at all. I think going to meetings and seeing a therapist will help me. But I also recognize that she feels alone in this. She needs to know that my parents are supporting me so that it isn’t all on her and so that she has someone to talk to that she can trust about how I am doing, since we are in a long distance relationship and can’t be here. I put myself in a horrible position. She is a great person. I fucked things up by keeping this from her until we were already thinking of a very long future together. And now I feel like the only reason I would tell my parents is to make her feel better, which is also very important to me.
    I jist don’t know what to do. Please help?
     
  2. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Hey, have you thought of introducing her to this site, in order to talk to some of the other SOs here? Just a suggestion, I don't have any idea if it's the right idea or not.
     
    Trappist and Journey2therealme like this.
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I can understand why she would want you to tell your parents. She will feel like she has more support and you'd be getting more support too. I guess it really depends on how you view your parents handling it. Would they respectfully support you and be there for you both when you want or need it? Or would they become very dominating and interfering in your lives? All parents are different. If they are a big part of your life and are supportive of you then it may be of benefit to you both. I know in my husbands situation it would most likely not be of any benefit to involve any of his family. None of them live in the same state as us and he is not that close to them. Also, I know from his childhood and growing up and what his father / brothers are like now that I would bet my last dollar that they all have porn / masturbation addictions like himself anyway. So I don't think it would be of any great help really.
     
    Journey2therealme and Trappist like this.
  4. Willingness is important.

    Do if all. What she said and what you said. You may need it.
    Give up control.

    Make a deal with her that it’s going to be the two of you together supporting each going forward.

    Meaning maybe that if it goes south with your parents, you can still have her for support with your plans for therapy and meetings.

    Your age reads 37, good time to talk your parents about this maybe.
    Not for advice, but just to share what things are about. They have their problems. Let’s see how wise they really are maybe.

    My old man may have been a SA;
    At least an odd bird about it, so I don’t fall far from the tree.

    May feel shameful, but check out this video with your gf. Much can come of it:
    https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en

    Hey, good reach out.
     
    Journey2therealme likes this.
  5. Journey2therealme

    Journey2therealme Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much! I will check out the video!
     
  6. I think you did the right thing not promising to never PMO again, but to
    Go one day at a time. Sounds like you have some understanding there.

    I know a family member who stopped drinking in his 40s and one day at a time stayed sober until his death in his 80s.
     
    Journey2therealme likes this.
  7. A thought is to be willing and talk with your gf about what to do.

    Sometimes being willing allows for consideration and sometimes an apropos time will open up?

    And then you take the action?

    I’m maybe your parents age
    #eraofbadideas
    Thoughtful is good.
     
    Journey2therealme likes this.

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