Rejected by wife

I´m sorry if i seem cold or anything. It´s just that my emotions and feelings brought me to this point. Trying to counter these emotions with rational thinking is my way to cope with this.
Jealousy for example is one of the most destructive feelings ever. Let´s say I would not see my girlfriend for a very long time. She goes out to a party, gets drunk, gets horny and sleeps with another guy. Logically theres nothing to it. Just satisfying her needs. But emotionally it wrenches my gut. So Id rather not think about it.
Back to the point:
Your wife needs time to realize that you did NOT cheat on her. This does not make it better, but easier for her to help you. Maybe suggest reading up on the facts about porn addiction. Trust me if there is still a spark of love between you, she will at least consider it. The sooner the better. Fighting this war alone is impossible. Ive tried for years now...
Wish you all the best

 

First off, ask her if she feels like you cheated. In her eyes she may feel like she was cheated on. I know that my fiance used during our relationship and I sure as shit view it as cheating (I told him prior to the relationship that porn could not be in our relationship). So whether she views him as cheating is not for any of us to say, but it's for her to say.

@ParvusSapentia How long has it been since she found out? I don't really know the full scenerio, so I am wondering how long have you guys been married, how long were you using, how long was it a secret. Those all are very important factors to think about when seeing your wife's reaction.

My fiance used for the first year of our relationship before the big D-day. I can honestly tell you that if I hadn't caught him when I did and if we got married and years down the line I found out all this, I would be maybe 30X more angry and hurt than I was when I found out. Marriage is a sacred bond. Cheating, porn, any kind of infidelity goes against marriage (unless parties specify otherwise). So I even told my now fiance, that had we been married and I found out, my reaction would be way different than it is now. I told him because I found out prior to us getting married we could work through this. I told him if we had been married I would have moved out with whatever kids we had, and taken time to really think about everything. Not a divorce, just time to think. Given that we are getting married at the end of July I am thinking about how hard it would have been to find this our after getting married.

Focus on your recovery, check in with your wife, let her know you care, but also allow space if she asks. Both of you should be working on individual work, and when both of you are ready to work on the relationship.

I have been ready to work on the relationship part of recovery since D-day, however, my fiance is only now able and ready to work on the relationship part. I waited a year for that. Healing takes time, courage, and patience.

 

I really don't understand how someone could think that physically cheating with another person and MOing to images on a screen are the same thing. If it's been established and agreed upon that P will not be a part of a relationship (and one half of the couple decides to view P) I feel that strong feelings are justified, but to view physical cheating and PMO use as identical just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Well, keep moving forward and try to stay positive! I honestly can't tell you how many times I through the promise ring he gave me. I actually threw the ring (that cost $20) so hard it broke. I was devastated in the beginning. Give it some time. It took me at least 6 months to calm down, and at 8-9 months I was more ready to listen, try trusting, and working to try to truly understand what had happened. There were times when I told my now fiance not to touch me (not always because I was disgusted with him, but because after D-day I became disgusted with my looks and didn't want him to be repulsed by touching me, and I know very illogical but it's how I felt at the time). I was extremely angry in the beginning and still to this day, on those really bad days when our arguments get heated I still occasionally say things like "You cheated bastard" or "you fucking betrayer" our of anger, and I apologize immediately, but right after d-day I said those things and didn't feel bad because I was in so much shock and pain from the discovery. I'm not saying it made it okay but explaining my thought process from then to now.

@noexcuses What is your definition of cheating out of curiosity? a person can be cheated in many ways (i.e. physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc.) My definition of cheating is "anything that your partner specified in the relationship that is off limits. If you have to hide it, you're cheating/betraying your partner in one way or another"

For instance, my fiance can get jealous, it's one of his weaknesses in character (ironic since he is the PA), and I have this best guy friend who got me through a very rough time and was there to help me and keep me safe during a bad time. I have a strong bond with him, and we made out once in the past and agreed to stay friends. So my fiance gets jealous and doesn't like it when I talk to him, so I always let him know if I am going to talk to that guy friend of mine, or ask how he is feeling about it. If he isn't feeling okay with it in that moment, I respect his boundaries/wishes and say that's okay I'll text him another time. So if I text that guy friend, and don't tell my fiance and he checks my phone to see text threads with that guy, I have cheated on my fiance because I broke his boundaries intentionally. It's the same with PMO. If you know your partner doesn't want it in the relationship, you do it anyways behind her back, then you have cheated her. Physically is different than emotionally which is different from mentally. Physically cheating, it seems to guys, is the biggest threat I've noticed. They seem to say physical is the worst type of cheating. Personally, physical hurts, but I think emotional cheating is the worst because you take away from the emotional bond you have with your partner. But everyone has their own definitions. But really, it matters how she views cheating in this situation. Because if you were in a relationship and you said to your girlfriend/SO that to you spending money on X,Y,Z is cheating me financially, and she goes and spends a lot of money on X, Y,Z, then she has cheated you financially. Do you see what I am getting at?

 

Alright, I'm going to be opinionated and I'm not going to apologize.
Anyone who hasn't invested 10+ years with one person and have kids, you don't and can't relate.
He's right 100%.
Its about her.
He's validating her.
He messed up his marriage and knows it.
Good for you.
This is a amazing achievement just admitting it and trying to ammend it.
But right now, words are shit.
You have messed up to such a degree in her eyes she NEEDS TO GRIEVE IT OUT.
this is Exactly why it took me So long.
The length of time invested vs the addiction in equal to heal.
It'll never equate.
However, that doesn't change the fact that the tide Can turn.
It does take longer than 3 months.
Her stages are going to be just as long as if someone she loves dearly died.
This has to process out.
You need to simply look for the next one.
She will hold onto the anger for as long as possible.
That's OK.
Look up the stages of healing so you know what to look for, whether she's in depression next or bargaining
(you never know what the next one will be)
Then, Then try talking to her.
But my advice is to wait it out.
Let her be angry right now.
It's OK.
It'll pass.
Someone she loved died.
You died.
You have to accept this.
You have to know it.
When the time comes...
let her know you know it.
Show her New You.
But, give her time to Bury You.
Bury her hopes and dreams of the relationship she wanted, she thought she had....
She fantasized.
Whatever she built in her head.
A dozen years of whatever was there. The moments of pain, of love...
Of whatever she needs to do...
Of be mad about.
It's years and years of anger that she's Finally allowing herself to feel and she Needs this to heal.
It's going to take however long it's going to take.
Then she will move to the next part.
Now it's your turn to wait.
She patiently waited how long for you, for intimacy, while you were looking at...?
& Doing what now??
You can wait for the next stage in her healing.
Then talk.
Hopefully you will make some progress.
I wish you the very best.

 

Beautifully written @Jolie! I couldn't have said it better myself. It's true, in my relationship I viewed it as a death and it took a long time for me to grieve, hell even some days still I grieve. But time has helped.

 

Truly, well said. Bravo!

 

Reading these threads makes me scared to death to tell my wife about my problems and my attempted rebooting. Scary. Props to you for your efforts and trying to bring your wife into the process. I hope she forgives you and y'all move forward.

 

I feel saddened by your words brother. You love her a lot hey. Try to silently feel what she feels and to silently ask in your self 'what is it she is needing'. Because even though you aren't expressing what you are sensing in her, she will unconsciously sense from you that you are trying to understand her pain.

Give her time and stay strong.

 

You caused all this yourself. What you need comes second to her right now.

 

N

No probs, I have suffered from the wrath and isolation of a hurting Scottish woman. It shatters your very soul to pieces. But we soldier on.
Can I suggest that you put yourself first. You cannot fix her pain. We cannot fix eachs other pain. She has to do it, you know this.
.
Your job if you wish to choose it, is to create little by little, day by day, moments of respectful connection and understanding. She doesn't totally hate you man. Her behaviour is an expression of an underlying unmet need. Your job is to nurture the expression of this need. What is it that she REALLY wants to say. It needs to come out.
She is bitter, angry, deeply hurting, totally resentful BUT her behaviour is a big give away she is trying to be heard. She wants her pain to be understood. You know this too.
So...what to do.
The good news for you is that you are both human. She hasn't run off yet and you still want her. Empathic connection will seriously help to heal your wounds. Trust me.
I say you are both human because humans have a natural ability to heal from the inside when our pain is fully heard and understood. To do this you need some skill to get beyond the blaming and the judgement we do to ourselves and others. When we hear a difficult message or see hurtful behaviour from our wives, we either blame ourselves or blame them in some way. What I am suggesting is you either, consciously sense what she is feeling and needing in the moment OR more importantly sense what YOU are feeling and needing in the moment of this difficulty. To say to yourself ' I am feeling real hurt when she says that, because I need to connect and express my love'. This is where the skill is, to switch from the habit of blaming to sensing feelings and needs. It is gold.Keep practising it.
When you sense something in her you may say. " are you angry because you need space and time"? Or " are you hurting because you want me to understand the pain you are feeling?" Or " are you bitter when you think about what I have done?" Or " do you feel resentful because you need to express your feelings". Say something that's starts with ' do you feel...' and ends in ' because you need...'
What I am trying to say is it doesn't matter what the negative emotion or behaviour is in your wife you are experiencing, you can see through it if you focus on their feelings and needs. Because our needs are the driving force of EVERYTHING we do.
It is important to vocalise sometimes what you sense in them because then they know you aren't blaming, judging or criticism them, so your heart light can shine through their defences onto their heart.
Long post...but I suggest if you want to save your marriage is to get skilled in a communication process called non-violent communication by Dr Marshall Rosenberg. Read his book called Non violent Communication A Language of Life. You have my personal garrenttee this will help you.
All the best champion and keep your strength flowing.
Your day will come when your wife steps towards you hugs you and says I love you. You have some work to do. Read his book
KOW