Regression

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Jae, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    I've been offline for awhile, trying to manage on my own. Went through a lot of ups and downs, had a couple trial streaks. Then something clicked near the end of September, and I managed to keep up a 60+ day streak.

    But toward the end of those 60 days, I found myself slowing re-engaging my old habits.... Lingering a little too long on triggering things.... Seeking out and talking to past sexual partners... Then I slowly started delving back into soft-sexting. That lead to sex dreams, which lead to soft-porn searching on social media. Which lead to today when I met up with a guy.

    All of this to say, I still haven't MO'ed in like 70 days. And I haven't had sex in monthsssss. But I did spend one day viewing porn, and I very nearly had sex with a toxic ass dude.

    So I'm gonna soft-reset myself because I'm better than this and I can't allow myself to make provisions for the flesh.

    If I keep up my behavior, soon I'll end up just as pitiful as I was 3yrs ago-- binging porn for hours, sexting multiple men, camming, etc. That cannot and will not happen.

    I was in full regression mode for a moment there, but that ends now.
     
  2. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :) I appreciate the support.
     
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  3. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    Abstinence Report: Relapsed, Day 1

    All throughout my childhood I sought so hard for validation from others. It shifted from seeking approval from parents and teachers in my adolescence to seeking sexual validation from men when puberty hit.

    While porn was a serious issue for me, so was sexting, camming, and skimming dating sites for older men. I thrived off of attention from others and often emotionally spiraled when I didn't get it.

    It wasn't until I hit 18 that I finally branched out into actually meeting up with guys and fooling around. It was never really about dating and finding love or an emotional connection like I tried convincing myself it was. It was a mini hoe phase, if anything. Every meetup was high sexualized and it was always me who initiated it.

    That was over a year ago, though, and I've since had many streaks. Abstaining from all sexual contact really helped to clear my mindest. It drove away that need for validation. I've had lots of self-reflection and time to focus on the root cause of my issues.
    Yesterday, I made the decision to meet up with a guy from my past. He was actually the first guy I've ever been on a date with. Met through Tindr. All within the span of two hours, he gave me my first kiss and my first sexual experience. He was very weird and pretty aggresive. Despite being turned off by his personality, my sexual curiousity was peaked. We fooled around in the back of his dingy car, but didnt get to the point of penetrative sex. That day, a little over a year ago, was the start to my sex addiction phase....
    Anyways, we met at a park and I was hoping to just talk for a minute, but he quickly pulled me into the backseat of his car and shoved his disgusting tongue down my throat. I could see that he planned on trying to progress things quickly, and I quickly learned that that wasn't what I wanted to happen anymore. I tried a couple weak excuses to leave, but he wasn't having it. I'm pretty much a pushover and for some reason I still allow guys undeserved access to my body just because I have a hard time saying no and feeling like a prude. So I kind of just let auto-pilot take over and gave in so things would be over quickly. At one point with him repeatedly trying to cram my hand into his jeans, I'd had enough. So I just left with him yelling after me.

    I didn't have "actual", penetrative sex or anything, but my goal is to abstain from all forms of sexual activity, so I guess I'm resetting my abstinence streak.

    On the plus side... When I broke that streak, I saw how big of a change had occured. I thought it was my hyper-sexualization creeping back up that made me seek this guy back out, but I found myself mentally shutting down as things progressed. I wasn't turned on. His words of approval and encouragement did nothing to me. I just wanted out of the situation the second I put myself in it. No longer did I feel like an insatiable nympho like I did a year before. No longer did I feel satisfaction that a man was sexually invested in me.

    So although I'm extremely disappointed in myself for giving in, meeting up with him in the first place, and for letting things progress even though I wasn't into it... I'm happy to see the progressions I've made. So that much is new.
     
    Sun_shine likes this.
  4. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    PMO Report:
    70 days M/O free, 10 days Porn free


    M/O
    Good news first... I'm very happy to announce myself 70 days free of masturbation. It's been a long ass time since I've built up a streak this strong. I have come a long way from where I once was. From ages 11-18 I did an excessive amount of damage to myself from frequent masturbation. I used to waste so much time getting off multiple times a day. Using any excuse to do it. In public bathrooms, in the shower, when visiting friends, etc. It was disgusting. Now I finally have some self-control and I'm done thinking with my vagina. I've had some very tempting days throughout this streak, but I'm ultimately better off for having resisted.

    Porn
    A little over a week ago, on the night of my 2 month PMO-free mark, I was scrolling through social media. I came across a video of a girl twerking, which I usually just roll my eyes at and continue scrolling. But I guess I let my guard down a little too much, and I had enough confidence to think I could sit through the video and be fine. Dumb mistake, of course I triggered myself. Then I found myself scrolling through similar videos. Then I started searching up "soft" words. After a little browsing there, I ended up full on searching for porn on the social media explore page. I kept trying to convince myself that since I was only on social media (where only soft-core porn is available) and not on an actual porn site, that it didn't really count as porn viewing. But I ended up searching for hours, leading to like 2AM. Never once touched myself, but still. All in all, it was only once for a couple of hours. But I'm not gonna excuse my behavior. So I reset, and since then I haven't done it again. I'm steering clear of social media for awhile, and that seems to be helping.
     
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  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I have a few questions:
    A) How old are you?
    B) This guy from your past. He was toying with sexual assault. "NO" means "NO"! So please don't put yourself in that position. The guy is a creep and a jackass. Sorry, that's just my opinion based on your statements.
    C) Before meeting the guy, AND before looking at Pornography recently, how long did you go without it? Is that the 60+ day streak? Or was it something else? If you want to break down this timeline, that would be most helpful as for whatever reason, I'm not getting the full scope of it because you also mention 70 days.
     
    Jae likes this.
  6. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    A) I'm 19, turn 20 in a few months.
    B) is more of a statement, haha. But yeah, he is a jackass, and I've been pondering whether or not he crossed that line. I felt I was pretty clear by my actions and my words, but there were plenty of times when I could have just up and left so I'm not gonna be quick to label something so grey area-y. Nevertheless, I did cut all ties with him.
    C) Meeting the guy and viewing porn was in the midst of my current 70ish day streak. I was 60 days PMO clean when I slipped up and gave in to porn for a night. But since it was one slip up in months of progress, and I didn't give in to edging or MO, I'm not fully resetting my streak.

    Not sure if that helped to clear things up.
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OK, That's all most encouraging. Being 19, you have such a unique window of opportunity here. DON'T BLOW IT!

    You're right about the reset versus relapse. Given the details, I don't think I'd consider it so much a relapse. But you've also been around long enough. You know the drill. You know what to do. IF you need/want something, just tell us.
     
    Jae likes this.
  8. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    PMO Report:
    12 days Porn Free
    72 days M/O Free

    I'm very on edge. I've been having multiple sex dreams per night lately. Sex thoughts flit across my mind frequently throughout the day. Vivid flashbacks to sex that I had over a year ago. Like, I can very clearly hear the sounds and feel the touch. I thought that the memory would've faded by now.

    Strangely enough, I haven't really felt an urge to touch or anything. Just an extreme longing for sex.
     
  9. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

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    Hey, Jae, how is it going? We used to talk awhile back as part of a NoFap kik group. Good to see you are doing good. Keep it up! 5 days into no PMO myself. Stay strong girl, we are all in this together.
     
    Jae likes this.
  10. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    Hey there! I'm alright, thanks.

    I wish you continual luck on this walk. :)
     
  11. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

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    We are walking down this road together, sister.
     
  12. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    PMO Report:
    0 days Porn free
    76 days M/O Free


    Welp, still haven't touched.

    Buttttt I keep letting social media get the best of me. If it wasn't a primary source of communication for work/family/friends, I'd seriously consider getting rid of it all.

    This is twice now in a pretty short period of time that I've indulged in softcore browsing on social media platforms. Once more, and I'll probably reset my full streak regardless of if I M/O or not.
     
  13. Jae

    Jae Fapstronaut

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    I agreed to a coffee date a couple days ago, scheduled to happen next Wednesday. But judging from the way this guy keeps trying to steer the conversation... I can already see that he has no ounce of respect for me, and his only end game is getting in my pants. That would be detrimental to my progress, and a purely physical relationship isn't ideal right now. So I'll probably bail out on that.

    Also, my ex is obviously about to make a re-re-reappearance because he's liking my old posts. I was trapped into nearly sleeping with him the last time he was "just checking in", which subsequently spiraled me into a binge. So I'm gonna do my best to block him out and not pay him any mind.
     
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  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Then why go through with it? Yeah, I'd bail. It's "If all I am to you is a piece of ass, I don't need you for that."
    That's a good move too. Please be cognizant of those who don't bring value to your life. You don't need them. Hell, I don't even know you and I bring more value to your life than them. Take my word for it. They ain't worth it. But you are. Don't you forget it.
     
    Jae likes this.

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