Reflections of a former gay furry (potentially triggering)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Dakshinamurti, May 18, 2019.

  1. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    Hey all,

    There's been a lot of back-and-forth about the issue of young men doubting their sexual orientation on here, particularly teenagers who begin watching gay/trans/whatever porn and undergo a period of serious doubt over their sexuality.

    I was reflecting on that and thought, 'heh, there was that time I got heavily into gay furry art, created a fursona and proceeded to engage in online sexual encounters with other guys...'

    Then I realised that this is actually the place to share that. Noone ever knew or knows now that, from 15-17, among other really fucked up things I don't want to share, that by night I was a homosexually-oriented fox named Shifty. I largely browsed online repositories of exclusively gay furry porn and engaged in cybersex with dudes who were probably twice my age on a MUD (Multi-User Dungeon; an archaic form of text-based online RPG.)

    At the time I felt incredibly conflicted about what that meant about my sexuality. I was genuinely into the art and online scene, but it tore me apart when I was going to school and knowing that if ANYONE found out I would be completely destroyed with ridicule and judgement.

    I must admit, this isn't quite up there with what I'm reading about young guys getting into HC transvestite videos, but I feel that I can relate enough to share the outcome of that experience.

    I went through the pain and shame internally, over the course of those years I tested that against my real-life attraction to girls. I wondered why I was being tortured like this. Eventually I became dimly aware that I was trying to come to grips with the fact that I had been forced to perform sexual acts by older boys from a young age, and exposed to my sisters' promiscuity in a way that was probably more damaging again, to be honest.

    It played out for a couple of years, I finished high school, didn't have an internet connection for a couple of years and it passed.

    Panicking about what's happening in the present is understandable, but if you're in a similar situation, I ask you to perhaps gently start probing within your being as to what the underlying cause of the attraction to that material is?

    For some, it's because they're actually gay, they're exploring it as an intermediary between what they 'should be watching' and what they actually feel. That is AWESOME, though of course, we're all about eventually moving away from the need to watch porn entirely here. I love my gay friends; you can be silly in a way that you just can't with the majority of people, and they understand what pain is through the horrible judgement they have endured growing up. Don't be afraid of being open about it, most people are accepting these days. To be honest, whenever people came out in high school the reaction from the vast majority was 'yeah, no shit,' hahah :p

    For me, a hetero guy however, the fantasy world was a safe way of exploring the questions that came up from a troubling upbringing and things that I simply wish never happened to me. Eventually it was resolved. You gents have the amazing ability to access resources like this these days, so hopefully you can sidestep a lot of the guilt and fear and pain by finding a peer group on forums such as these.

    This may well cause a shitstorm, and mods, please use your discretion, I won't get all messed up if you choose to delete this without warning, but I hope that my target audience- dudes who are that age and in a massive sense of conflict over what they're being drawn to seek out- might find some solidarity in my story and most importantly, know they're not alone. Cheers.
     
  2. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    I'm 17 and my whole life as far as I can remember I have liked girls..ever since my brothers showed me porn at the ripe old age of 9 years old I have been hooked...it would get out of hand I would want my female cousins to sit on my lap...because I liked it the feeling of a female body on mines...this was at the age of 10 years old mind u ....so I grew out of that weird ass phase and I began to watch porn alot...first I went from ass jobs..to titty fuck to penetration...then later along the lines I found that getting boring so I ventured into more hardcore material like face fucking..and I did watch hentai and 3d shemale porn alot to..so then the fateful day, the day that my hocd symptoms kicked in...I was in the middle of watching porn and my best buddy said he was gonna write a song about me...and I felt myself holding back a smile...then BOOM, the floodgates of questioning myself came into play...i would question myself..have nervous breakdowns in my bathroom.. review my past and see if I showed any signs of early gayness..then the what i hope is hocd began to manifest in a weird way. I began to fear certain things, like I could not wear a certian shirt or color shirt or I would turn gay..or I have to carry change in my pockets or I would make my self do certian tasks like I have to finish writing this word before my music finishes..and I would feel good if I did the task. I also began to worry that this new kid thought I was gay or was gay himself because he would constantly look at me from the other side of the room. Then I would check if I was attracted to dudes by looking at them and seeing if my pupils were dilated. I often looked up internalized homophobia, how do u know u are gay, can someone turn gay over night, etc.. I would stop hanging out with my bros in fear that I would devolpe feelings for them...I became isolated and didn't talk as much as I did..meanwhile before this i was girl crazy ..i had a type (a women who watched anime and i could be myself around her..nice slum body, long curly hair, and often light skinned) but then I began to realize that all girls of any color are attractive...but I loved curly hair. I was girl crazy and everyone knew..but I couldnt get a girl in highschool one girl did like me and said i was her boyfriend but i didn't like her like that I was just her friend in my eyes because I had the eyes for another girl so we dated for 5 minutes...in the 9th grade mind u..and I often said the reason for all these rejections if due to me not liking her and that God was punishing me..I just need help idk what to do any more ..I would often say "i like girls and I will always like girls". Then one day I woke up and the anxiety was not there so I was scared that ment I had indeed turned gay and I wanted the anxiety back...I need help idk if this is hocd.. I have not been diagnosed with hocd but I have it man...is this even hocd or am I just in denial...it have striped all sexual energy tword women away man ...one point was where I was noticing all the flaws on a women and idk what or y that happened...what do I do man I'm so scared I dont wanna be gay
     
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  3. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    I'm not too convinced on the whole HOCD thing myself. I believe it's natural to explore ones' own sexuality, I mean, we're guys, we'll pretty much root anything that moves given a chance- particularly during puberty.
    I'm not a counsellor or psych so can't give you any real advice in that regard... but I made this post because I remembered how hard it was to struggle through that period, to the point where I had a girlfriend and was clearly attracted only to her, but had this secret life of engaging in the furry community.

    I think the key thing is staying away from porn and seeing how your tastes change. It's very obvious now, with all the research and data published, that access to high speed internet porn distorts peoples' view of sexuality and results in them watching and masturbating to things that are very, very far removed from their actual sexual desires. An important part of my story above is that once I lost access to the internet for a couple of years, that aspect of my personality fell away very quickly. For me it was a way to come to terms with being sexualised at a very young age, it started somewhere between 5-7 for me.

    One thing that can really help with this kind of stuff is speaking to a counsellor. It takes a long time to feel comfortable saying these things out loud but it really helps; most of the things that I've brought up thinking I was completely alone in feeling have been met with 'that's actually quite common.' For me it all came back to this core sexual trauma which I repressed in many ways. One of the key reasons for me posting above was to express this thing which I have not been able to express before. It was embarrassing to write and put out there but it felt right; I want to heal. I think it's incredibly courageous for you to have written that out, and actually expressing it will help you sort it out sooner rather than later.

    In my uneducated opinion... You clearly like girls, you have a clear taste in girls, you don't seem to actually feel sexually attracted to guys... It seems to me that you may well be a straight guy who has just been moulded somewhat by an escalation of your porn use. I'm 100% convinced from my own experience, that by making the choice to avoid porn, you will soon know your true sexuality. Even if you're bi or gay man, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I realised when I was in my 20s that I have no problem with admitting to myself that some guys are really bloody attractive, hahah... But my actual sexual orientation is strictly for women, and I have absolutely no interest being intimate with guys. It just feels healthy for me to acknowledge that, you know what? Some dudes are hot. Trying to deny that I think results in a lot of conflict and confusion and yeah, starts to feel obsessive. For me, it's exactly the same as acknowledging that some girls are pretty, or beautiful at heart, but I have no desire to enter into a relationship with them and wouldn't even accept the offer of a bit of Netflix and chill.
     
    Xaviar.marshall likes this.
  4. Im same though, but worse. I started with furry... I think it will not make people feel guilty after fapping because you know what is in front of you is fake and not real. Now after doing nofap for 2 months and still not watching porn from 11th march till now, I feel like there is no need for me to watch that disgusting shlt.
     
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  5. your story is interesting, and I don't think you are gay. Also please learn to use "enter" key, or else this will just be a messy chunk lol
     
  6. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    I know what you mean- 'it's just art, nothing wrong right?' but in some way it does reinforce the same negative behaviours.
    Thanks for sharing your experience there, I kinda imagine this isn't a popular topic- I think a lot of people just don't get furries, which I understand. Great work on getting away from pornography in general, it's such a horrible thing to be exposed to. I hope you're experiencing a lot of positivity and hope. I love your avatar and username, it's very true :)
     
  7. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Sadly a lot of younger (naive) straight guys are sexually groomed by older homosexuals. Lately it's been going on newer channels, like furry or stuff like that.

    You are not gay or anything, just stop watching porn, masturbation and watching furry stuff, those are all obstacles in your recovery.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
    Dakshinamurti likes this.

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