Red Pill or the Blue Pill? I'll Take Both

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ICDMatrix, Dec 5, 2018 at 12:08 AM.

  1. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    13 days since PMO
    <1 since exposure

    I hurt my ability to sleep deeply last night because I was fucking around and looking at things and thinking about things that were triggering. Fortunately, I kept my hand away from myself, even though, at one point of the night, I was just so triggered that I was thinking that "release" would be what I needed to get to sleep.

    Feel good I didn't. It's the second time in 13 days that I let myself fall into exposure. It resulted from thinking about what it is I really want from my life. I have been asked when I was successful, what kept me going. It was motivation and drive. I've lost some of that now -- on most fronts. A part of me feels "good enough", even broken... but I know that's part rationalization and part acceptance. The simple truth is that I'm attracted to odd things. I'm learning to deal with my attraction and pansexuality.

    I started to discuss on some deleted threads the number of people I've slept with under "normal" circumstance vs the number of prostitutes I've paid. How many of those workers were trans, and of all the people, how many I came with from sex. The conditions and reasons why that might be so. It was an insightful exercise that I've honestly not done in the past.

    How does this affect me today? I've been a lot of places, after all. 166 day streak, 110 day streak, 80 day streak, 66 day streak -- those were my best numbers. Each produced something extraordinary in my life. But all are now memories. I'm habitually relapsing now. Not like everyday, thankfully -- but getting to 21 days+ is like a rarity. It must be simply that I don't want to quit. But why don't I want to quit? What is it I get that is worth the cost? The cost is so high. It impacts my ability to feel authentic with others. Maybe because I'm slightly embarrassed by what it is I like getting off to. Maybe I just need to accept it and embrace it as an identity?

    Maybe not. Maybe this is rationalization playing its ugly head and I'm just trying to leave something destructive in my life. The one casualty has always been my intimacy with my girlfriends. Over time, it disappears because I lose presence. Or they lose interest out of frustration that I don't behave in the bedroom like other men. Sure, they love it at first -- but then it must become a concern. My current girlfriend ebbs and flows between these states. Not at a concerning rate, but she has asked at least once to see me come. For reasons likely to exposure, I can't at the moment. I just don't get the mental rush, even though I am turned on. It's hard to explain.

    Anyways, I think I just have to work around some new kind of strategy. One that gets me further away from what is distracting me from more constructive possibilities with my life. There is so much I want to learn and put to practice. There is so much I want to experience and there is healing that I feel is left incomplete. So what happens now? Well --- chances are, this thread will eventually get deleted. But maybe not. I'll keep posting as my desire brings me back. It's been almost four years and so, this has become a place where I safely can vent --- and imagine to be heard.
     
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  2. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    14.0

    Happy to have not PMO'd last night. Instead of dealing with a broken Wi-Fi on my tablet, I turned it off and the lights -- and went to sleep. Best night's rest I've had in some while, even though my shoulder is still bothering me. I have the energy/clarity I need to be my best self today -- when in front of others, and when on my own. I'll report in tonight to share more thoughts. Good luck on your own goals today, Reader!
     
  3. jreacher2828

    jreacher2828 Fapstronaut

    Best of luck today mate. Keep fighting! We are all facing our own battles so need to stick together.
     
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  4. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @jreacher2828 . Appreciate your comment!

    14.1

    Crazy long day with a lot of connecting with others. Having to work through a lot of different items, but feeling capable and strong to do so.

    No time to lose my energy with anything that takes it away. Thinking I'm safe for another night.
     
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  5. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    15.0

    It's not even sleep time. I think I'm going to fail reaching 21. Just trigger-sought. Got the rush of the high from trigger-seeking and P exposures. It was different stuff that anyone would be turned on by. Anyone who is sensitive to digital bullshit.

    Why did I do it? Well --- I had a few hard fought days that ended with my success. The rationality is -- I deserve a little "reward". It's stupid as hell -- when I could be doing so many better things with my time.
    (insight: what are those things? -- why not do them?)
     
  6. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    15.0

    Instead of diving head first into psubs and trigger material, I'm making a list of all that's on my mind. You know, face my responsibilities. Looking at what I want to accomplish in my life. Assessing how I'm getting there and what I could be doing with my free time instead of wasting time and tracking towards more failure.

    It's probably still going end with a relapse because I'm weak and can't put the triggers aside when I reach a place where I want distractions and a dopamine high. I used to tell people in this same boat when I was high my count to just make it to 21 days, and then things get easier. I would say, that trigger seeking is an indication of a too-empty life and that it means we need to find something else to do to fill our void.
     
  7. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Edging with no hands
    Still no pmo
    But up late looking and thinking like a perv.

    I want to transmute this horniness now. Do something powerful with the energy.
    Frustrated my own gf doesn't get me this turned on, but really, it's the hours of triggers seeking, escalation, and novelty.

    Wtf do I do?!
     
  8. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    Is there some kind of exercising (cardio) that you can do?
     
  9. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    In the morning...maybe. it's a mindset problem. Getting myself into this triggered state is not aligned with a desire to heal.
     
  10. Sam_ba

    Sam_ba Fapstronaut

    Hey we still do this together
    What's your best intention
    What's your worst fear
    Tell us about it
    We are here to listen
     
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  11. jreacher2828

    jreacher2828 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, sorry to hear you're having a tough time. We have all been there. I've caved into my urges many times before. It's important that in those moments of weakness and failure that you aren't to hard on yourself as these negative feelings can also lead us deeper into our addiction. It's like a negative feedback cycle. Even though you fall you can still get back up and fight. Build on this mindset. Learn to love yourself. Your addiction has deep holds in your mind so quitting cold turkey is unlikely unfortunately. Keep growing and learning on your path to recovery.

    Some things I have been thinking about lately is this: What does my addiction profit me? How does it serve me? It doesn't benefit me in any positive or beneficial way. It just numbs me. It keeps me stuck and feeling like shit. It ultimately robs me of pleasure and sex. It wants us to believe that it will give us sex, girls, confidence, pleasure but it actually takes away these things over time. I used to think I needed it to relieve stress and anxiety. It only numbed me from it for short moments and in the end makes it worse and is even the cause for most of it!

    The reason our gf's don't turn us on like porn is because of the damage our addiction has done to our minds. As we abstain our minds will restore to our baseline and we will be turned on and want to have lots of sex with them. This won't happen over night and we will feel like shit for a long time before this happens (no libido! Ugh!) but healing is worth it! Keep reminding yourself that I'm not going to feel like this forever. One day soon you'll catch a glimpse of your gf and she will turn you on like nothing else. That day will be so worth it.
     
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  12. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, @Sam_ba . Appreciate you!

    My best intention is to be kind to others, to experience good memories with others, to leave this world with almost no regrets. I don't want to harm anyone or myself. I don't want to damage relationships or the confidence I have in myself to be who I want to be.

    My worst fear is that I'll waste my life away on low-value or no-value things. That I won't be able to come in sex again without some kind of awkward setup (enjoy fetish with partner?)... that might end with the result of pregnancy, but then would I be a fit father if I can't overcome urges to fantasize about fiction and trans? I want to have a strong bond with whomever raises my child(ren). A fear would be that I can't have children or a strong bond because of this habit/fetish/addiction.
     
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  13. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to write all this, @jreacher2828 . I appreciate your words of wisdom and advice. Loving oneself is something I definitely have had to learn to do over the past few years. I have imperfections, just like everyone else, but I used to be pretty hard on myself. When I first used to relapse after big-time efforts, it was crushing in some ways. But I realized the addiction to porn is the chemical side. The emotional side of it is what's making us go to P/fetishes in the first place? I dove deep into that over the past few years (with the help of psychologists and therapists, even), but what I discovered was that I had to accept who I am, the way I am, before I can change anything thing. I did grow to love myself-- but almost too much. Part of me feels like I should just accept this since it's been with me for so long --- but...

    ...would I keep growing? Does my addiction profit me? In some ways, and I might be rationalizing again because I'm so attached right now, is "Yes". It gives me an outlet. It stirs my mind and excites me and provides a source of pleasure unlike other things. I find it fun and novel, and I get impressed by the creativity of the art and emulation. But of-course, I understand and am self aware enough to know that I have the addict's mind. My rationalization is warped. When I don't PMO, and just watch -- if it's just a little, I like the rush it gives. But last night, was too much, and too close -- and then nothing is enough until I PMO, and then I'm left feeling numb, hollow, and like a husk. That does rob me of the overall pleasure, and it does leave me with wires crossed so that I can't enjoy regular sex. I appreciate you making the point about getting so much taken away from you over time. It has done that to me in some ways --- but I keep trying to analyze it as if it's something else -- the reason I'm turning to it in the first place.

    Is this the cause of my stress in the first place? Good question! Do I grow numb when I peek/look/edge? Definitely when it goes too far -- but that edge is infinitely slippery. Get anywhere near it, and the risk of taking the plunge back to bottom is so great. Then it definitely never feels worth it!

    I can see your point here. I have abstained long and two things have happened. I met someone afterwards who I slept with, and the issue was gone! Hooray. Then we stayed together for a little bit and I realized I don't like them enough to love them and be solely exclusive to them, so I would stray back to my pleasure sources -- which would bring the block from coming from sex right back! It's been a challenge to stay in a long term relationship, because I'm too picky/choosy and slightly judgmental. My current g/f is far from perfect, but she's hot and sexy -- and I love sleeping with her and having sex. But the rush--- that mental rush that leads you to O, it's just not there when we do it --- and if that would come back, I don't know if it would change the imperfections that she has that slightly turn me off. I question so much of the worth and purpose.

    In the end, I think it's about health. What's healthy and sustainable, and what's not? I can't do what I did last night every night -- it hurt me. I'll explain in my next journal update.
    Thank you for listening and for all your future replies. Good luck with your effort, too!
     
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  14. jreacher2828

    jreacher2828 Fapstronaut

    It's my pleasure @ICDMatrix. It helps me as well to think about these things and how they relate to my recovery. Iron sharpens Iron. I'm definitely learning to love myself right now. There's days that I look at myself and all I see is the ugliness. I used to be very hard on myself when I would relapse. But I found that when I was I would be even more depressed and my binges would last longer. I became more realistic in my expectations that I'm not going to get out of this thing over night. It truly is a long process. I takes constant consistent effort over time to break those mental models we have built related to our addiction and to replace them with healthy ones. After all sex is hardwired into our brain and porn hijacks this circuitry.

    As far as Fetishes go, you may be right about the emotional side. Are you familiar with yourbrainonporn.com? Search fetishes on there and maybe you'll find an article that will help. Have you always had these fetishes? Even before porn use? These may be porn induced. Also, as our porn addiction escalates we need "harder" stuff to up the excitement and thrill. So this is what you may be experiencing. There's lots of accounts of peoples fetishes vanishing once they have kicked there porn habit.

    As far as how your addiction is profiting you right now. That's your addicted brain talking. I completely understand and relate to what you're feeling when you say those things. I have instant flash backs to those highs just reading your response. But clearly you're aren't happy and it must not be worth it. After all you're on a forum regarding porn addiction. It's clearly impacting your love life and how you view yourself. It's harming your mind and mental state. If it was truly something worthwhile you wouldn't be trying to quit this addiction. I mean imagine if a meth addict came to you and listed off the positive benefits of getting high. What would you say to him? Our addictions cause us to value pleasure above all else at the detriment to our beings. Early on in my fight to leave my addiction I found it very hard to rationalize in my mind why I should give this up. It was like this tug of war. One moment I didn't want to PMO anymore and then once the negative feelings subsided and I felt that high again I was like maybe I'll quit later. I found myself stuck in this cycle year after year and realized I am in the exact same place I was last year. Nothings changing or improving. I started to realize that this addiction is such a lie and it's promises are all false. I mean come on, I was absolutely inundated with sexual thoughts/fantasies BUT yet I wasn't having one ounce of sex. Even when I did on occasion it wasn't even enjoyable.

    I'm currently having sex with my gf maybe once a month at best. There's something seriously wrong with that if I'd rather look at pictures and think about sex 24/7 and yet I don't even engage in real sex! That's twisted. That would be like fantasizing about food all day but having no desire to actually eat. I want to see what its like to have a normal mind again. to get pleasure from real things and real sex. Porn is the only thing that even gives me pleasure at the moment. That's such a low way to live life. I want to set the bar high and see how far I can take this. It's easy to sit around all day and get high, anyone can do that. I'm done wasting my life on that shit. I don't want to look back next year and find myself going through the same motions. I want to get married, own a house, travel, have kids and this addiction seriously threatens all of that. Give up all that for a fucking image? I'm not falling for the lies of that "high feeling" any more.
     
  15. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, @jreacher2828 . I think it's important to be realistic... and optimistic. Only hope gets us to dawn. That constant consistent effort you speak of is a byproduct of determination, focused desire, and courage. I agree that porn is vicious in its hijacking. I saw the TED talk and agree. Read through YBOP articles and didn't find much that helped me. But I only read four articles in 30 minutes. Have I always had these fetishes? Um... not for trans. Didn't get to those until I was 20. But I was molested by another child when I was a child. I believe this had me eroticized to penis starting at an early age (12-13)? Then I watched P starting at 13. I was attracted to youthful girls/women and women with big breasts. By the time I was 20, I had been sexual frustrated somewhat by my success with women (not awful, just not great), and my comparison to others who seemed more successful. I started to believe I was not good enough -- and that's when I started diving into the taboo / rush of getting off to trans escort ads and trans porn. I wasn't one for cartoons and 3D models. That wasn't as good as the real thing, I thought to myself! But now, I'm moving more into the cartoons and 3D models -- partly for the juvenility of it, and partly because it's a fantasy escape. I don't like masculine features and when I can tell a trans is a man too much, it's a turn off. But that seems harsh, unfair, and predatory. I've met enough trans prostitutes to know that 8/10 are constantly in a state of fear. The majority of them are not all right in the head. Some are cool, though. Some are very sexy. But it's all one big fat ILLUSION.

    I love beautiful women and, of course, am attracted to a lovely face and fit, curvaceous figure. But I have had so much resistance to the idea that I deserve to be with someone who has those qualities. I think falling into trans attraction was just a way for me to find a way of having power over someone else. "I'm less broken than you are." "You can't judge me." The irony is that I've had beautiful girlfriends and have a lovely one now. I am attractive, even when imperfect or not at my prime. But the inroads have been made with years and years of habitual P consumption and PMO. It's a huge well to climb out of. The escalation you talk of has happened -- but I usually always bring it right back to trans. It seems "right" to me -- which I agree, is the addict speaking. I used to be so ashamed of the fetish and be so scared of being found out -- but as I moved around the world and grew older, I started to give less fucks about it. It's a fetish shared by so many, is what I told myself. There is obviously some magnum psychological hook in why it anchors so strongly to some.

    I am not happy.. it's good point that out. I'm trying to understand the why. I went past 90 twice and past 60 twice. On the other end, I didn't feel like I reached any major epiphany other than -- life is too short to waste on things that tax us. We can be powerful creature when we push forward and stay congruent men. The funny part is that what brought me to NoFap was the idea that I could cure myself of DE. But I never understood the struggle to quit P forever. It's an ongoing battle in this society and world. It is preventing me from connecting authentically with others and the woman who loves me. The meth addict saying he doesn't want to live without the high is one of the saddest things I can think of. I know that's a parallel analogy but it's an extreme comparison. I do appreciate your point, though. "Maybe I'll quit later" is definitely something I can relate to. Being in the same place year after year definitely sucks. But are we really? My life has changed, and in some ways, it's better --- in some ways, not. As far as my lapses into bad mind spaces --- yes --- it hurts to see myself still struggling, almost four years later.

    I'm happy for you! Thrilled. You seem to have had a wake up call of sorts, and I think that's fantastic! I agreed with you at the beginning that you need determination, focused desire, and courage. You also need purpose. You want fulfillment from the actions you take, and you feel that the drain of PMO prevents you from being able to get deeply intimate with your girlfriend. I can imagine there is that influence. I grew apart from my last one, and definitely because of this issue being at its worst -- secretly leaving the bed at night to go to the bathroom to PMO. Sneaking back into bed. Pretending I loved her and only her. Cheating on her with trans prostitutes and other women. It was a farce that blew up in my face, and well-deserved. I never want to fall into that lie again -- and yet, I am struggling to dig out the truth -- because no one with a 1000+ day streak has come on here to tell me otherwise. And if they did, my brain would still be skeptical, because I'm rationalizing like a little cocaine monkey.

    I wish you all the best in your effort. I might not be the best guy to reengage with often. I can be toxic in my worst mindsets. I'm a little jaded I think -- from the frustration. One moment I think I don't want anything to do ever with what is fake and illusionary-- and the next I'm saying FUCK IT -- and trigger seeking into my next frenzy and either close call or frenzy. I hope it changes -- I don't want to 40 and still doing this -- but then if that happens, I'll tell myself -- I don't want to 50 and still doing this --- I'm glad you have rejected the "reward" of the "high feeling." It really is some fabricated emotion -- but isn't that true of our reaction to any man-made media created to be consumed? Just food for thought. Always feel free to message or reply! Strength to us both. And especially to you -- you seem inspired to break the cycle and I have been inspired by reading your thoughts on the matter. All the best!
     
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  16. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    The number that comes after the . is how many days since I last saw P or psubs. At some point, it'll be good to see that go into double digits, just to remember what that felt like again. Hasn't happened in almost four months.

    Last night, stayed up with the tablet, looking at reddit images around my fetish. Laughing at some stupid ones, getting turned on by some hot ones. For the most part, just mental edging. Then the time flew by and it got later. I tried to go to sleep, but just ended getting back up to look more at the tablet. Normally, I have a rule that I don't have any electronic devices in my bedroom. I have been compromising on that rule and I don't know why.

    So I stayed up too late, and when I was too triggered to sleep, I decided to turn on the lights, grab a pad and pen, and just jot down all my goals in life and shit that I wanted to get down in the next week. Why am I doing the stuff that I'm doing? Who am I associating myself with? It was a helpful exercise that seemed to be a good brain-wave shift to then fall asleep. When I woke up in the morning, it was nice to see some messages on here ---but WOW did i have a fucking headache. I normally never have head aches and this was like if I had drank way too much the night before. That's definitely not to be ignored!

    The one good thing was no PMO, but PO almost happened and that would have had me feeling like a husk of a man today, and a less powerful man tomorrow, when I'll be around more people again including my g.f.
    I'm just going to keep shuffling my feet here. Good luck with your efforts, Reader.
     
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  17. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    So I sent my gf a hot message, because I wanted to see what would happen. We weren't planning to see each other until tomorrow, and had gone the whole week without seeing each other. I sent her a dirty message, and she wrote back after a couple hours that she wanted to come over. I knew she had plans later so that meant she was coming for one reason.

    She came it was great to see her. I thought that maybe because I had these two close calls since last seeing her, that the excitement would be high enough to possible "release" with her. But nope. Even though we had some crazy hot indoor olympics, I never went full O. Only the matching Os that I get when she gets off. I mean that in a way that I sense the energy rises between us, and as she goes through her Os, I go through parallel ones, but they aren't the same as when I PMO or MO.

    Anyways, we did everything and it felt great. She has a lot of affection for me and I return my affection for her. But after she cleaned up and left, I was left wondering if I wanted to even try to MO. Maybe just a peek is what I told myself -- so I looked at P --- just now. Active decision. Reconfirming that I'm not letting go willingly. And just as I was cycling through the variety (and novelty) of it all --- I stopped. I put my clothes up and thought about how my g/f would be back to stay the night tomorrow and how I wanted to not feel like a husk / hollow man. It was the same feeling when earlier this week, I stopped because I didn't want to feel that emptiness, depression, brain cloud that comes after PMO -- for when I had all this important work to do.

    I never imagined I would turn into an edger -- but that's what I've been doing. Mentally when I'm without my hands, and then all out edging like I just did now.

    Try to read without judgment. I try to write this without self judgment. It is what it is. Now I'm going to find something else to do that's not trigger seeking or P until it's time for bed.

    Btw, I almost took the risk tonight of telling my gf about my fetish. But I tried that in one relationship which I thought would be safe, and it was not good -- that was thrown back at me many years later by that girl. This girlfriend, she's different -- I can almost imagine her wanting to be into it. She has made signs that says she might be into role reversal, but that's not really what I'm into. I just want to feel okay about myself regardless of she validates it as okay in her eyes or not. It's an issue for baby making and it's a problem if she feels I'm not really desiring of her or just plain women. I can completely understand if that were the interpretation. You know what -- fuck it. So much energy to hold in all my energy. I know it's worth it, but FUCK THIS. Rawr!
     
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  18. Sam_ba

    Sam_ba Fapstronaut

    Thanks man,
    Great series of posts
    As always I enjoy a lot your sincerity and courage
    Congrats for double digits. We both know how hard it is to go out of the pit.

    What do you mean? Who is the man you are trying to become ? How would it hurt others?

    No one is fit for that, How does one become a father and not just a genitor? I have no idea. I am sure you would do a great father.

    Mmmh. When i do not grasp to hope to be happy , i also let go hoplesssness and delusion about the future.
    Plain reality is all right. No expectations nor regrets needed.
    Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.


    You ve reached your goals. You ve perfected yourself. But still not satisfied? Why my friend?
    We ve talked about this already but allow me to insist (or you can delete if u want)
    They are our flaws that break the armor.and allow us to open our hearts as they are our lapses that allow us to discover what s going on inside.
    If you are happy with this girl and she is happy with you. Why care about O ing so much. With time it will arrive, or not but no big deal. You already have so much.

    I too have many fantasies. ; but they are mirage and delusions. no big deal
    For ex :
    I dream about having @Strength And Light californian style of life, ahtlethic skills and supportive wife...
    I dream about having @ICDMatrix body, willpower, travels and determination
    I dream about having @Applehead curriculum, academic conferences and care for people
    I dream about having @Saskia Simone resilience, unconditional love for her family , motorbike and children
    I dream about having @vxlccm writing style, knowledge, empathy and likes
    I dream about having @hermit_ninja skills persistancy and wisdom
    I dream about having @Dizzy Lotus pianoskills, openness of heart and sensitivity
    ...

    I also dream about having a bigger carrer, more adapted children, more money, higher understanding and the highest counter But i know they are delusions that talk about my fears my cravings but not about reality. None of these will ever satisfy me because it is not a question about having more but about not feeling dissatisfation anymore.

    If we just look about money
    At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day. Most of them will never take the airplane or have a laundry machine.
    When will it be enough for me?
    Do i need to be in the top 10% ; 5% 1% , 0.1% 0.01% (7 million people) to be acceptable?

    We could do the same calculus about pleasure , body/mind capacities, or approval... When will it be enough?

    We are all different. We all have different stories. even if i tried my best to have all this would I be satisfied? What am I deeply searching for? In my case I know it is approval. i seek the eye of others tha will acknowledge I am acceptable. This is a way to heal my child hood of fear of abandonment by my mother. This will go on probably all my life, I can not cure it but I can live happily with it.

    Perfect body, perfect S. is an idea of the brain, as well as all the fantasies where we compare to something elsewhere , in space or in time
    But in the present moment, when I touch the body of Mrs Sam and I concentrate on the touch and not on my ideas. perfectness vanishes and transfoms into sensations
    That's why I ve come to use so much mindfulness. It keeps me at a distance from my "wants" and "If only"s
    When I look at all the conditions of happiness (health, family, friends, career, inteligence, safe, no discrimination against me ...) I already have enough to be happy here and now
    If i try to write them all it would probably not fit in 1,2,3,4,5 pages...

    When I come back to here and now and the sensations of the body I stop comparing, i let my body teach me and guide me with patience ans delicacy rather than using my prefrontal cortex that think he already knows and needs novelty all the time.
    It is a completely different path that we have not been taught and it can be learned in a secure environment with the help of our SOs or close relatives.
    Little by littls we stop following our thoughts to concentrate on the feelings of the body and this is wonderful and there is peace, connection and contentment

    We are conditioned and hardwired to see what's wrong and get what we want because it improves genes transmission rate. We were not built to be satisfied but to transmit our genes. Please do not let this burn your life or your relationships


    When you fantasy about X, Y , Z and it give you the kick in search of more pleasure. Let it go. More pleasure also means more pain. You can not have one without the other.

    “If you let go a little you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free.”— Ajahn Chah

    But these fantasies will always come back because cravings and fear are part of us. So please do not try to quiet them. To the contrary listen for what they are as you ve done already.
    When they appear , just don"t add to the story. This is what mindfulness is about. recognizing this is our old friend coming back , letting him chit chat but not following him. We just let him go, because another thought will soon be coming.

    Together we can heal
    You are beautiful , You are perfect imperfectness as you are.


    Just because I love these quotes and they inspire me I like to write them again and again :
    The opposite of addictions is not sobriety it's connection (to real people)
    There is now way to happiness, happiness is the way
    Free from the inferiority complex the superiorirty comple and the equality commpex (comparison)

    and There is abook called: The body keeps the score, that helped me on these subjects. have your readi it?
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018 at 2:15 AM
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  19. MyNameIsX

    MyNameIsX Fapstronaut

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    You were in my thoughts this evening. I hope you can figure it out with the current girl.
     
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  20. ICDMatrix

    ICDMatrix Fapstronaut

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    Had a pretty incredible Saturday. It was great. I had to meet my GF's father for the first time. He was in from out of town and I invited them and her brother to get lunch. Turns out they didn't have much plans for the day, so I went and showed them some cool things in town. They were happy to enjoy the unique places I took them and also to dive into some conversation with me. It was a good feeling to be there in that zone, putting out that energy, and I could feel my girlfriend swell with pride and desire for me. She stayed quiet for most of our interactions and that's not something she normally does. But I could feel her listening to how I mixed with the men of her family. She was grabbing my leg and hand a lot under the table and smiling a lot. I then got her home and ravaged her before going out to my company's Christmas party. I was actually proud, myself, to introduce her to coworkers. We balanced each other well. I'm more of an extrovert, and she an introvert, but we connect with others well. I appreciated her company and even got her to dance some of the dance floor towards the end of the night. I could sense some of the single women on the dance floor looking at me. When my girlfriend walked away to get water and a rest. I had two women come and start dancing with me. I laughed at that because that's how women are.

    Anyways, I had a great day/night and it felt good to not have been hollow-man for it. It was a smart choice to not PMO because I was able to stay out of the zombie/down/low-energy zone in important moments. I guess that was something that I liked about long streaks -- I always felt ready for any conversation and any call to action. That's a good feeling.

    @MyNameIsX thanks for stopping by and writing what you did. I sincerely appreciate it and wish you a wonderful weekend.

    @Sam_ba -- you have blown me away with your post. A lot of profound thoughts and good take-aways in that post. I'm going to respond more thoroughly to it later today after running some more errands. I think there are some things I'd like to say in response but before I get to that reply, I want to say thanks much for your encouragement, support, and way of being. We're lucky to have you in the community. Namaste.
     
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