13 days since PMO <1 since exposure I hurt my ability to sleep deeply last night because I was fucking around and looking at things and thinking about things that were triggering. Fortunately, I kept my hand away from myself, even though, at one point of the night, I was just so triggered that I was thinking that "release" would be what I needed to get to sleep. Feel good I didn't. It's the second time in 13 days that I let myself fall into exposure. It resulted from thinking about what it is I really want from my life. I have been asked when I was successful, what kept me going. It was motivation and drive. I've lost some of that now -- on most fronts. A part of me feels "good enough", even broken... but I know that's part rationalization and part acceptance. The simple truth is that I'm attracted to odd things. I'm learning to deal with my attraction and pansexuality. I started to discuss on some deleted threads the number of people I've slept with under "normal" circumstance vs the number of prostitutes I've paid. How many of those workers were trans, and of all the people, how many I came with from sex. The conditions and reasons why that might be so. It was an insightful exercise that I've honestly not done in the past. How does this affect me today? I've been a lot of places, after all. 166 day streak, 110 day streak, 80 day streak, 66 day streak -- those were my best numbers. Each produced something extraordinary in my life. But all are now memories. I'm habitually relapsing now. Not like everyday, thankfully -- but getting to 21 days+ is like a rarity. It must be simply that I don't want to quit. But why don't I want to quit? What is it I get that is worth the cost? The cost is so high. It impacts my ability to feel authentic with others. Maybe because I'm slightly embarrassed by what it is I like getting off to. Maybe I just need to accept it and embrace it as an identity? Maybe not. Maybe this is rationalization playing its ugly head and I'm just trying to leave something destructive in my life. The one casualty has always been my intimacy with my girlfriends. Over time, it disappears because I lose presence. Or they lose interest out of frustration that I don't behave in the bedroom like other men. Sure, they love it at first -- but then it must become a concern. My current girlfriend ebbs and flows between these states. Not at a concerning rate, but she has asked at least once to see me come. For reasons likely to exposure, I can't at the moment. I just don't get the mental rush, even though I am turned on. It's hard to explain. Anyways, I think I just have to work around some new kind of strategy. One that gets me further away from what is distracting me from more constructive possibilities with my life. There is so much I want to learn and put to practice. There is so much I want to experience and there is healing that I feel is left incomplete. So what happens now? Well --- chances are, this thread will eventually get deleted. But maybe not. I'll keep posting as my desire brings me back. It's been almost four years and so, this has become a place where I safely can vent --- and imagine to be heard.