Recovery Should Be Hard

The hard way isn’t always the right way and the right way isn’t always the easiest way. Is recovery hard? Yes! Does it need to be unnecessarily hard? No.

Take for example writing a letter to a loved one. Is the shortcut of writing an email wrong? Is the person less caring because they didn’t write it with pen and paper, put it in a envelope, stamp it, and then send it out to the post office to be mailed? Email is technically a shortcut that lets us bypass all of that work, but does the fact that it’s a shortcut and easy make it wrong?

If that member had a plan in the past which cut out the unnecessary hardships and was simple and easy enough for him to follow and be faithful to, then that program is good for him!

My coach sent me a workout and eating plan and I thought it was too easy so I made some tweaks to cut more calories. I ended up failing hard because the program was so rigid and difficult. The next time I tried again and didn’t alter anything my coach had setup; the end result? I kept with my plan and lost more weight and made more progress than when doing it the hard way.

 

I am at this moment at the hardest part of my entire life. Everything is in hell. But I feel like I am closer to recovery than I have ever been before.
At the same time, I feel like I’m dying. But there’s a tiny bit of hope. A pure hope...I just need to get there.

 

Nothing worth doing is easy....

 

Damn right. It’s hard as hell. B/c we’re talking about our brains, our sex drive, our relationships and our own self-awareness.

 

Yeah but if he's been trying that plan he had before and keeps failing, then it isn't strict enough.

I think the key is to have balance. It can't be too easy or triggers, relapses, etc. Can come on too easily. Too hard, and you may be overwhelmed. This is different for everyone so finding your perfect difficulty will take trial and error. And remember, when starting the journey, that can happen many times before you get a streak of eternity going.

 

True but I’m sure he hasn’t been trying that plan if he’s stating that he’s going back to that plan.

 

This is very hard day 26 for me married 33 years, teen ager 18 started into drugs I transitioned into making a real time fantasy and it went wrong my wife did not accept it rightfully so it was wrong and I lost it because I realized that my fantasies had been used to objectify my wife for many years and didn't realize the hurt I had put my wife through. I begin this journey alone my wife has been doing it with me we have both been abstinent for 26 and are going for 90 or more to fix ourselves. I have been in therapy it has not been easy we have stopped therapy and are now going to through self-help books with boundries for her and Inner Circle boundaries for me. I have slept the last 3 nights because I broke her boundaries on a separate bed. The only touch that we have is touch that is not sexual holding hands like kisses and hugs everything has to be requested. There's no nudity there is no sexual innuendo we don't joke around like we used to not until he's getting gotten through the point where I have defog my brain. It is simply the hardest one of the hardest things I've ever done ever.

 

I will respectfully disagree with recovery being hard. Making the right decisions for yourself should be easy to do. Living with the wrong decisions you’ve made for yourself is hard. A true recovery should make you feel uncomfortable, just like any good goals you set for yourself. Refraining from P and MO shouldn’t be hard for anyone to do, but it will make them feel uncomfortable if that is what they are used to and is their routine. Telling your SO the truth and revealing your secrets and lies isn’t hard to do, you have to get go of your self preservation and it will be easy. The truth will set you free. You have to change your routine to change your life. You have to set real goals, not just easy ones that you can do in your sleep. A real goal should be obtainable, and to get to that goal it should make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe there is some hard work involved, a persistence in meeting your goal, but when you take the time to identify the steps necessary it should all be pretty simple and easier. You have to take the time to not only set your uncomfortable goal, but to plan out what is necessary to get there. If you dont it just seems hard, because you aren’t putting careful thought and mindfulness into it. You have to look into it as steps (is twelve?, no probably more). You may have to harden yourself, your willpower, find new strength, and determination. It may seem hard, because you don’t know what to do at times, because you don’t have the answers, or you choose not to look into yourself for them. You can always look outward, there are people out there who have succeeded against the odds, and they have stories to tell about it and advice to give, in them you may find the strength you need for yourself. Through their determination you may find the willpower to continue your recovery. In order to walk a mile you have to take that first step, and thousands more. On the road to recovery each day is a new day, a chance to make a better one, and you will have thousands more to help you on your journey to recovery.

 

Can you expand on what your meaning is here?

 

This reminds me of something I had read about emotional abuse and the abused, most commonly in regards to narcissistic behaviors. Please bare with me I’m trying to remember from a while ago but basically it talked about the abused/victim picking up on the same behaviors as the abuser, outside perceptions believe the abused is the abuser and the abuser is victim. This something that is quite common and happens, “the crazy making”.
I’m not surprised at all this can manifest in this situation. This makes sense to me, I remember the worst of it with our marriage (acting out in URL timeframe) I even stated to my hubby that “you turned me into you”. The defensiveness, resentment and contempt, I became shut off and even started to verbally talk to him the way had me for so long.

Even though the article I had read was more extreme in nature, do to his PA he had taken on some narcissistic traits/behaviors. He even thought he was a narcissist or even a psychopath at one point in the beginning of our affair recovery. I know he’s not, even at that point I do understand in certain situations anyone has the potential to bring out those traits in themselves to a degree. As an example I also know I’m just as guilty of attempted gaslighting myself about his behaviors, couldn’t really tell you how much of it is a chicken or egg type thing though.
I hope I’m making sense, it’s late and passed out bedtime.

 

What you described every SO as is a co-dependent and I personally, find that very offensive. However, you did mention the year the book was written was nearly 30 years ago and Patrick Carnes himself has gotten away from the co-dependent model and now subscribes to the betrayal trauma model. There are SOs that are co-dependents, sure, but to lump every SO together and say that they are all "co-addicts" and every single one has "deep seeded negative patterns" is really a slap in the face. Personally, any book I have gotten that subscribes to the co-dependency model either goes back on the shelf or in the trash (i.e. ordered online and didn't know it stated that) because I have found that those types tend to place a lot of blame on the spouse or significant other and very rarely recognize any kind of betrayal trauma.

 

I hope we can all agree that us PAs and our SOs all need healing. Just like I believe we all want and need to feel loved, weather we are deserving of it our not. The addiction has damaged us all, and even though it isn’t the SO’s problem, it most certainly affects them to one degree or another, as they are in the in the area of effect.

Coming back to your recovery is hard topic. I wanted to mention the part that really makes recovery so difficult: questioning everything. From questioning our actions, to every choice, to second guessing if what we speak is the truth or the voice of the addict, or wonder if there is still another secret down in there. When we tell the SOs the frequency, or about the acting out, they have to question if there is more or something else. They end up going back and playing through all the scenarios again, this time you are not a hero, but a listful addict. Played by the same person, but now the intentions seem different, character flaws revealed, and things start to make sense. They have to question everything as well. Are they getting the truth this time? Have you been totally honest?

Questioning everything eventually leads to relearning everything. Perhaps that is why it is called a reboot. I have to learn how to feel comfortable with my actions, stress, the uncertainty of it all. I constantly question if a choice I make is really me or remnants of the addict. Am I being intimate for the right reasons? Am I displaying addictive behaviors in other ways? This makes recovery difficult, as the last thing we want to do is stray from the path, and ensure we are going down the right path. It certainly seems hard, because it is difficult relearning it all. We are uncomfortable with change, and when those changes finally become comfortable there is the question of weather one is still doing enough.

 

I think the majority of SO's need recovery, but not at all in the same way as we PA's do. They need to recover from the horrible lie of a life they were living and the trauma associated with that life being shattered and everything they knew being false. They have to rebuild themselves and realize what their life is really like and who they are and even who their partner really is as well as the PA finding who they are. I don't believe much in the codependency model unless they really are co-dependent. But that is only if the SO falls into the same patterns as the PA because of the PA. I believe that this doesn't seem to happen very often though. In most cases I read on here, the vast majority is betrayal trauma. The recovery for that is quite different from the PA but they can be done together. That's what Anna and I are doing. I'm figuring out who I am without the addiction and she is figuring out who a health her is. I think you were putting codependency as a part of the trauma. But really it is a different situation. To me, it's an either/or not both.

 

Please don't misunderstand me. I certainly believe most SOs, if not all, need some kind of healing. To use the word recovery could just be a matter of semantics, but it could mean more. I think the word is used differently depending on the person using it. And I do believe that some SOs have developed poor behavior patterns in response to the PA's addiction and are considered.

However, to truly fit the definition of co-dependent or co-addict, the SO would not only have to be aware of the addiction, but also enable it. To group all, or most, SOs of PAs as such is doing them a terrible disservice and denying them the help that they truly need. It's the very reason many therapists are now moving away from the co-dependency model when it comes to SA/PA, including Patrick and Stephanie Carnes. It has been proven to be very damaging to SOs.
This is not to say that SOs can't also be co-dependent, but the large majority are not, or do not start out that way, and need to be treated (clinically) through the trauma model.

@TryingHard2Change , you mentioned a while back that your wife had never heard of betrayal trauma until just recently. I firmly believe she would probably be much father along in her healing if she had not only known, but also had it acknowledged by the therapist and been treated for it all this time. From everything you have said, your wife sounds like the farthest thing from what a co-dependent or co-addict is.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means is an amazing book that addresses BT and validates the turmoil SOs go through. All SOs should read it.